April 30, 2009

Pick up the Phone - suicide hopeline - 1-800-SUICIDE

was it a dream?

i woke up this morning and I freaked out. I had dreamed (or nightmared? is that even a word?) that I cut myself. it was very deep cuts in my stomach. i had cut the words "fuck up". augh! the cuts were deeper that i have ever cut in real life. the weird thing is that even though the cuts were so deep there was VERY little blood...

i was literally freaking out when i woke up. i had to look at my stomach to make sure it wasn't true. the dream/nightmare was SO realistic!

ok that is all i have to say for now...

Emmy R.

April 28, 2009

counseling, advising, and current state of mind...

another appointment
we talked about the way
the time since
the last appointment
was different than the week before
was it better?
it was better because
i found myself being
able to
allow my feelings
and instead of feeling sad
i was able to allow myself
to be ok with the memories
to understand that
what i was feeling
was normal
i was validated this past week
and that is what i told her
we discussed some more about
the current friendships i have
and how they are affected by the
we talked about that
she asked me if i was ok
with the way the friendships are going
i told her i sort of am
but mostly i am not
i want to get closer
to the girls i have become friends with
but the thought of getting closer
scares the heck out of me
what if they leave me
what if they die
what if they just don't care
i fear both
she told me
that my feelings are ok
again she made me know
that how i am feeling is
it was important
i never opened myself up to anyone
about this particular matter
in that particular kind of way

she told me she pulled my file
and read what i had to say
from when i came to talk before
and i talked to another person
(i didn't know that was allowed)
and she said that she sees
me wanting to talk
and express myself
about both that previous issue
as well as the current one
previously i came to talk
about my struggle with self-harm
i wanted to tell someone
i wanted to be able to tell people
and that is where she saw the connection
i said previously
that i wanted to tell her about the self-harm
i sort of feel violated
she found out this about me
before i was able to tell her
i wanted to tell her
but why would i tell her something she already knows
and that is all for now...

later i went to an advising appointment (to have someone talk with me about what classes i will take next semester) and currently, if i get into the classes i want to take next semester and the following semester, i am set on a path to graduate in 3.5 years or even in only 3 years. currently as a college freshman i have sophomore status (as of this semester) because i took college classes while i was still in high school. being on the fast track and graduating early means that i have to apply for the program i plan on taking. i am a social work major. but besides applying for the major i also need to apply for the practicum/internship (which most people take during their senior year and apply for during their junior year) at the beginning of my sophomore year...

...it is a lot to think about...

lastly, right now i feel like i have a thousand different emotions running through my body. i REALLY want to cut. but i will not. i will not. but i really really want to cut...but i also don't want to explain to the counselor about the cutting if i am currently doing it. my mind is running in circles around itself, and i can't put a name to the emotions swirling inside me. i am going to go to my room and curl up in a ball.

i will not cut.
i will not.

Emmy R.
haven't really given much of an update since last week...so here goes...

This past week I have been pretty much just chilling and procrastinating on homework WAY too much. I am super excited to go home soon! classes are over in like 23 days! I have SO much to do before then...

I have been spending some time reflecting on stuff going on in my life. since the counseling appointment I have felt like a burden has been lifted from me and I just feel SO much better knowing that someone else knows about my friend. The lady I talked with told me that perhaps I should tell some of my friends about her, because I guess talking about it is a part of the grieving process. I don't know if I am close enough to anyone to just tell them yet. I do have a picture of her displayed in my room so if anyone ever asks me I would gladly tell them about her, but how on earth do you bring something up like that?

we have the next two days off from classes because we have academic advising. I have another counseling appointment tomorrow at 12:30pm and then academic advising at 1:30pm...hopefully I don't cry too much at counseling tomorrow so I don't have to go to advising with my eyes all red and puffy.

Last week at counseling I mainly talked about Paige, and she asked questions and I answered them about Paige. It was simple really, but it was hard to talk about her. I was bawling. I talked about how I was being bombarded with things that were reminding me of her and stuff as well. What I didn't mention was the cutting. I think I want to talk about the cutting, since that really was one of the things that kept me from grieving, I buried my feelings in the cuts and I just never really came to terms with her death or grieved for her until now. I cried because I missed her, not really because I was grieving, if that makes any sense. Even though I had stopped cutting for about year before the feelings came back the cutting was almost an automatic response to the memories and grief coming back up. The only thing I worry about is the fact in the confidentiality contract thing I had to sign it talked about how they have permission to tell people if they think I am a "significant risk to myself or others" I don't know what exactly that means. I am not currently cutting, so does that mean that they don't have to tell anyone? Or because I have cut within the last month does that mean they will have to tell someone? I don't know!

OK that is all for now...I am going to go see if my friends are still awake and see if they want to go to breakfast tomorrow with me.


Emmy R.

April 23, 2009

The Way She Feels by Between the Trees and a little about Renee Yohe and TWLOHA

Ok this is one of my favorite songs. The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. I don't know if I have posted this before so sorry if I have.
The original versions of the song cannot be embeded and the audio on here is really messed up and sounds really weird but it is the only way I can embed. Below the video is a link for the original version. (Both versions of the video may be triggering to some. Watch with caution/discretion)


Shes upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it theres nothing there
Is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries [x2]

Curled up shes on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse

Now shes slowly opening...
New eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
And found relief in His life
And put down her knives

Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her knife

The artists wrote this song sort of about Renee Yohe (who I talked about in a previous post) and part of her story. The band supports TWLOHA (twloha.com) (To Write Love On Her Arms) which is one of my FAVORITE organizations.

I just bought Renee's book, which is a compilation of her journal writings from the link below,
and I can't wait to get it and read it!!! You can read some of Renee's story


April 21, 2009

The Counseling Appointment

Just a quick note about my counseling appointment that I had today before I go to work. I will hopefully write more after I get back from work.

Basically I was freaking nervous before I went. It is hard to open up about personal issues with a complete stranger. I was second guessing myself and if I should even go to the appointment...

Anyways basically I talked about my friend a little and the counselor just listened and asked questions when necessary (sometimes it was really necessary to prod me on, though she didn't ask any questions that made me uncomfortable). I never talked about the cutting, but I have an appointment next week at the same time and hopefully I will be able to bring that up next time. I just wasn't ready to talk about it with her today. I would like to talk about it though. She basically validated for me that it is okay to still be going through the grieving process. That validation was VERY important to me! Quite possibly the most important part of the meeting...

Basically I was crying the whole time, tears welling up in my eyes but not really coming down my face, only two tears actually fell. I think crying is important, but I also have a hard time crying in front of others. All in all the meeting was very therapeutic for me and I was able to get a lot off my chest.

Anyways, I said more than I intended in this post and I might perhaps post some poetry/prose/word vomit later tonight or tomorrow about this but I think I said a lot...

Got to head off to work!

Emmy R.

April 20, 2009

Word Vomit

Word Vomit...just typing as I feel...

Sometimes I miss her

And sometimes I don't

I feel as though I am


Her memory

When I forget

Even for a moment

Sometimes I go days

Without thinking of her

Then she comes to mind

And I hate myself for forgetting

Usually I want to remember

I want to remember her life

Her amazing personality

The awesome person she was

But when I remember her life

I also remember her death

Her death haunts me

Remembering her death

Makes me remember

The horrible period

Of mourning

That came after

The mourning that I pushed aside

The mourning that I buried

Because I didn't believe

That those feelings were okay

I first began to ignore the feelings

When she got sick

I started to

Get angry


I didn't know how to feel

I didn't think

That these emotions

Were okay

I buried my feelings

But they came out anyways

In cuts on my arms

In cuts on my legs

In cuts on my stomach

In angry words written in journals

In poems I wrote

But mostly in the cutting

I want to remember her

I want to remember all the good

I want to remember

But when I do I remember the loss

The anger

The confusion

The things I didn't understand

Sixteen-year-olds don't die

They just don't

Fifteen-year-olds don't get cancer

They just don't

I didn't know where to turn

No one would understand...

No one

The only way I knew to deal

The cuts on my arms

The cuts on my legs

The cuts on my stomach

That was how I dealt

That was how I expressed my feelings

The feelings I didn't think were ok to have...

Sometimes I go days

Without thinking of her

Then she comes to mind

And I hate myself for forgetting

April 16, 2009

Renee Yohe and Me

My favorite organization by far is To Write Love On Her Arms [(TWLOHA) (www.twloha.com)]

twloha Pictures, Images and Photos

Renee Yohe is the reason for TWLOHA starting. She is the inspiration. She is also my inspiration, she has gone through so much and yet has made it through. In many ways she is my hero (as well as many other people's heroes).

The other day I just found out that I have a strange connection to Renee Yohe. I found out about the connection is through a tattoo she has.

Renee has two main tattoos:
The first tattoo is this one:

The second is this one:

The first tattoo I think is beautiful.

The second one, which is also shown in various stages of being done here:

When I saw it the first time, even thought it was barely visible in the picture, I couldn't keep my eyes off it. Somehow I knew I had seen the picture before, but where. The picture stayed on my mind as I checked facebook messages and the like. I decided that I needed to find out what the tattoo was of. When I google something to the effect of "renee yohe tattoo" I got a search result with this quote:

"Renee has two tattoos: one, which we show in the story, is a rose that covers up the worse of her self inflicted cuts; the second is a rendition of a painting by the rock artist Michael Goddard, a portrait of his daughter, who died battling cancer, holding a rose. "In spite of all the odds against her ... she was still fighting", Renee said. "It just it really hit home for me just the idea of the odds being against me and having felt that I'd lost so much but there was still hope and still something worth fighting for that even if I was just barely hanging on." "
Quote from: (http://dailynightly.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/09/12/1388886.aspx)

The picture on her left shoulder is drawn by an artist named Michael Godard according to the quote and it is of his Daughter Paige.

Here is the painting that the image is taken from:

And a picture of her dad (long black hair) with the painting (and also some other guy, I don't know who he is):

And also a link to Michael Godard's myspace and his website (mostly for copyright purposes):

I knew that I had seen the picture before, and I had. This picture was my connection. Michael Godard was the father of Paige, who was my best friend for about two years during which she fought against a very aggressive brain tumor that eventually took her life.

So ya, I found this amazing connection. I want to leave you with the quote from Renee that was used in the quote about her tattoos. The quote is a very beautiful one, perhaps even more so to me since I actually knew Paige, but Paige's story can go out there to influence many more people's lives than just those who actually knew her.

" "In spite of all the odds against her ... she was still fighting", Renee said. "It just it really hit home for me just the idea of the odds being against me and having felt that I'd lost so much but there was still hope and still something worth fighting for that even if I was just barely hanging on." "

Emmy R.

A Conversation With Myself (and perhaps soon with a counselor)

So why did you come in today?

Well, I want to talk
About my friend
Who passed away

Ok, what about her?

Well, she passed away
About a 2 1/2 year ago
And lately
I can't get her off
My mind
Tell me more about her...
Her name was
Paige Xxxxx Xxxxxx
She lived from
March x, xxxx to
November x, xxxx
She was the
Best friend
I ever had

How did she die?

Brain cancer
Took her life
After a 17 month
She was the
Person I have ever met

How did you meet?

Freshman year of high school
I saw someone
Walking around campus
Orange Converse
On her feet
I told myself,
"I have to meet that girl"
I found her
We instantly became friends

Why do you think she has been on your mind lately?

I miss her,
Our friendship
Grew so strong so fast
Ended so abruptly
I never really even got to
Say goodbye
Right after she passed away
I left
On a trip
With my school
To visit colleges
One being this college
I spent so much time
That next
Running from
Place to place
I didn't even have time
To understand
Or to accept
What had happened

How did you deal with her passing?

I didn't really
I probably never have...
During her sickness
I didn't understand
What was going on
I was so confused
And I felt so alone
I was angry at God
For deserting me
For deserting her
For not answering our many
I felt like I lost control
I did something
That (I believed) gave me
In my life

What did you do?

I cut myself
It was nothing really
I just wanted to see the blood
It calmed me
Over something, anything
My own body
I could control by body
I could control the blood inside
I could keep it in
Or let it out
It was my choice

So cutting yourself gave you control?

But it was more than that
It was one thing that was
No one could take it away
Not even God

You mentioned that you were angry at God. Are you still angry?

I am not really angry any more
More like I just
Don't care
Why should I trust a "god"
Who takes away the life
Of someone who is so amazing
Someone who has the
To do such great things?
The Bible
Says that God is a God of
Was that an
Example of His love?
If it was I want
To do with it
Or Him.

I want to go back and talk about the cutting. Do you still cut?

I stopped.
For a long time
I did not cut
I realized
The cutting wasn't helping
It was only making things worse
But lately I started again

Why do you cut yourself now?

Sometimes for control
Sometimes because of
Which I cannot express
Sometimes because I am
Not feeling anything
To keep memories
Of hard times
(Like her death and illness)
At bay

When you stopped before did you have any help?

I had a friend
(Who was also a youth leader)
I told her I was dealing with something
I asked her if she could keep a secret
She told me she could
Except for certain circumstances
One of which was
If I was hurting myself
I shut my mouth, fast
I couldn't have my parents know
She realized my sudden quietness
She asked me,
Could I not tell her
Because of something she had said?
I nodded my head
She looked at me
And she asked me many questions
About what I wouldn't tell
I ended up asking her
If she could help
Keep me accountable
For something going on in my life
Even if she didn't know what it was
She said she could
Her helping keep me
Even if she didn't understand
Exactly what it was about
Was one of the
Best things
That could have happened
To help me through that time
I stopped for a long time
Coming to college
For second semester
For some reason
(I can't really pinpoint it)
I started again

OK that is enough ranting for today...I can't really think of another question to follow that answer...

Emmy R.

April 14, 2009

not on your arms

Not on your arms again
Not on your arms
It’s too hard to cover up
It’s getting warmer now
Your arms will show
Someone will see
The cuts
Your cousin’s wedding
This summer
A spaghetti strap bride’s maid dress
They will all see
They will see that you are a failure
At life
That you cut yourself to deal
(Who does that?)
You are a freak
No one loves you
No one cares
Don’t let them see
That even you can’t love yourself
One look at your arm
And you’ll scare them all away
No one can love you
Not even you…
So cut yourself
But remember not on your arms
Too hard to cover up
Your stomach
Your legs
Much better
You never even show that skin
And you want to know why?
Because you are a fat tub of lard
Yes you are
Cut yourself
Make it all ok
All ok
All ok
Cut yourself
Because you can’t even be pretty
Your nasty body
Fat and
Riddled with scars
No one could love you
Not even you can love yourself...

Another ranting poem/prose of thoughts going through my head...

I want anyone reading this to know that I have not cut myself in about a week (judging from the healing from my last session which is almost done since I have never cut myself very deep, just enough to see the blood...) anyways...all things considered I am doing fairly well...

perhaps another post at some point this week or something...

Emmy R.

the truth...

I find myself lying,
Because I don’t think
They want to hear the truth.
The truth,
The small silver blade
Which I run across my skin.
Yes, that truth.
If I told someone, anyone,
How could they ever
Look at me again?
The truth is horrible.
Who does the sort of things I do
It doesn’t even make any sense
Yet somehow
In MY twisted mind
It does.

My stomach is tied in knots,
Fear overwhelms me,
Just THINKING about
Telling someone.
My secret.
MY secret
Passing from my lips
Into the ears of another.
How can I explain this
Behavior of mine?
How can they ever understand?
I don’t know if they can.
How could they?

Not much to say about this poem/prose just a little bit of ranting because I am frustrated and I have no clue how I am supposed to talk to that counselor person at my appointment...

Emmy R.

Counseling appointment...

So...I made an appointment at the school's counseling center. Next Tuesday at 12:30pm. I will let you know how it goes.

I am already nervous. I can barely even remember why I wanted to talk in the first place. I don't want to talk about the cutting in the first session already because I don't want to open up too fast. I think I want to talk about my friend Paige and her life and death first and how it is all coming back to me now...and then I want to perhaps later talk about the cutting. Maybe later in that appointment or perhaps at a later one.

ugg...I have no idea what i want to do. I also would LOVE to talk to my RA about it but I am just so scared to see her reaction to the fact that I messed up...how could she not be disgusted...

A little poetry/prose...

She walks up to me
And says,
“I love you”
I don’t think she
Can understand
How much those
Simple words
To me.
I look at her
I tell her
“I love you, too”
She cares,
I can see that in her
If I told her
The truth:
That I am not ok.
That I am hiding behind a mask.
That I started cutting again.
What would her eyes tell me?
What her eyes say
Is more important
Than any words
That come from her mouth.
Would her eyes show
And worse
Would the words from her mouth
Be lies compared to
The emotions in her eyes?
How could I confront that?
How could I bear to see the
In her eyes?
In me.
I am disappointed in myself enough already.

OK I am done...I have a few more poems to post but I am going to post them separately...

Emmy R.

April 2, 2009

Time for an update:

Spring break was last week and I am going to share something that I wrote on the car ride to the friend's house while riding in the back seat of her mom's car. It is a really short little thing and just some random thoughts that were going through my mind at the time which I "wrote" in my phone so I could put it on here...

"Sitting in the back seat. I am hearing them sing praise songs to the god they believe in and as loud as they can. They seem to really love him. I wonder how they can love him so much. I just don't understand..."

So ya...not much...but as for a little more of an update...

I went to my friend's house for spring break and the week was pretty good. It is wierd though how much you learn about a person by seeing how they interact with their family and friends. My friend, who I would have previously described as introverted and meek, showed me how little I really know about her. My friend is an only child and lives with just her mom, her dad passed away when she was nine. Her relationship with her mom was not at all what I would have expected. I knew that they were really close because of phone conversations I had overheard and what she said about their relationship. I didn't expect what I got though. Her simple and fairly introverted and meek personality was turned inside out. She was using every cuss word in the book and was very disrespectful to her mom and aunt and uncle (her aunt and uncle live with her and her mom). She even called her mom a bitch. The way she said it was in a joking way but it was still very weird to hear that come out of her mouth. My opinion of her and my relationship with her and my understanding of who she is has changed drastically!

At the end of spring break (we had to leave early from my friend's house because of weather conditions for her mom driving back home) I stayed at my cousin's house. It was good to see her but I also realized a little the ways I have changed since being at college and also the ways she has changed since she left for college. My cousin is five years older than me and went to the same college I am currently attending. My whole family is pretty conservative but it seems to me that my cousin has gone over the deep end as far as conservative goes. We got into a HUGE argument about the roles of men and women in relationships. She was saying that a man should be the head of the household and a woman should be submissive to him in everything. I do not believe the same thing and I told her so. I believe that marriage is an equal partnership that a man and woman enter into and that they should each play all roles especially the ones they are best suited for. Not every man is a great leader and not every woman a great with the childcare and household stuff. anyways we got into a huge debate because she said it is a SIN for a woman to be in the head of the household position. ugh... anyways my cousin also told me that being liberal is a sin which I also don't agree with. I am still a very conservative person but considerably less so that I was a few years ago. My cousin said that my family prays every day that I will not become a liberal...oh dear...LOL...

Ok...so what else is going on with me? The last blog I wrote I talked about how I was thinking about going to the counseling center at my college. I would still like to go but I sort of feel stupid for going. It is hard because I had a bad experience last time I went so I just don't really know if I want to risk the same bad experience again. I don't really know what I want to do. I think I would like to call and set up and appointment. I also would like to talk to my RA about some of the stuff that is going on...but I am not 100% sure I want to do that either. I don't want her to view my any differently. I hate being in a position where I can disappoint someone. I do not want to disappoint her and tell her that I slipped up and started self-harming again. (It has been about 2 weeks or so now since I last cut so I am doing pretty good currently.) But I also sort of do want to tell her so that someone knows. I am a very private person so it is hard for me to talk to other people about things going on in my life. (This blog is an exception because it is anonymous and no one knows who I am.)

One more thing currently going through my mind right now is possibly switching colleges. I haven't really told anyone about this yet. The college I am currently attending has a very hard academic program and my grades SUCK! I am currently majoring in Social Work and I would like to get into graduate school after college if possible but you need really good grades to get in. I wonder if I were to go to another college, perhaps even one with a better program for Social Work, if I could get better grades and then be more likely to get into graduate school. ugg...I just don't really know what to do. The college I am currently attending is pretty expensive because it is a private college so I am trying to think about after college too and how much debt I end up with.

Anyways...I should get to work on some homework...

Emmy R.