tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25750663978023506412024-03-12T22:21:57.144-04:00Poetry (and blog) by Emmy R.I decided to make a blog so that I have a place to post my poetry that I have written over the past few years. (Sometimes I will use it for bloging as well.) I used to self-harm and my poetry and other writing was one of the few outlets that have helped me stop. Sometimes the only way I can express the way I am feeling at any moment is to write it out. That being said, some of my poetry is graphic, know that before reading.
- Emmy R.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.comBlogger187125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-8743330071765635712013-09-25T02:09:00.001-04:002013-09-25T02:09:36.487-04:00"Normal" ??!!?!?!?!?! ugh!!!I spent well over 4 hours today in a car with a coworker. We had to drive quite a ways to see a client who does not live near our workplace. Anyways, the whole way to the far off city and back to our work my coworker kept telling me how lucky I am to have had such a "normal" life, while comparing it to her own "Jerry Springer Show" life. I sat there and listened to her talk about my life. I shared with her that I don't know how normal my upbringing really was, really if you think about it what does normal mean?<br />
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<a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal">Normal according to Merriam-Webster, click for a link to the definition.</a><br />
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Really the many many (8, plus the subgroups of each number...) definitions here do not clarify this for me. Numbers 1, 5, 6, 7, and 8 might not apply at all, and that leaves 2, 3, and 4.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
2: a: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle<br />2: b: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
3: occurring naturally </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
4: a: of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development<br />4: b: free from mental disorder: sane</blockquote>
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First lets address 2: a. We would have to devise what is the norm, and of which part of the population does the norm address? Middle class, white, christian families from (insert name of city where i grew up)? The greater population from my area? I don't even know where to start with this idea...i suppose you could say that the norm in society while I was growing up and experiencing my so called "normal" childhood was divorced parents and substance use for the parents, which do not apply to my family, and who knows what all else. What is "normal" in my small little part of the world is not going to be "normal" for everyone...<br />
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Now for 2: b. This is basically the same as before, in order to understand if this definition fits you have to know what it means by the type, standard, or regular pattern. I suppose my family worked hard to keep up appearances to meet the standards of those around us.<br />
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Next comes 3. Yes, my siblings and I were all born "naturally" no C-sections happened, however we were raised possibly "unnaturally" and were cut off and sheltered from a lot of the world around us...<br />
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4: a. I suppose I have average intelligence, although I was part of the GATE (gifted and talented education) program at my school growing up, so maybe that is not entirely true, perhaps I am above average in this area and therefore not "normal".<br />
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And last but not least, 4: b. This just does not apply, take a second and glance through my blog if you disagree.<br />
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Suffice it to say, "normal" is such a subjective term. It means something so different to so many people. I am not a huge fan of the term "normal" perhaps because people like to use it to describe my childhood. No I did not have any particularly life altering things happen when I was quite young (I was never sexually or physically abused, my parents never split up, I went to a good school, I got good grades, etc.). As I got older I did have some life altering things which happened, I am not going to go in to detail now, because I am falling asleep writing this, but I just wrote this post to talk about how I hate the term "normal" haha.<br />
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I had the childhood I had, I have lived the life that I have lived, I have gone through the things that I have gone through, and I am a better person for it. yes, I may have had a relatively "easy" childhood compared to some, but that does not make my struggles and negative experiences in life disappear.<br />
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And I bid you goodnight.<br />
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Emmy R.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-11812572413855052832013-07-03T01:26:00.000-04:002013-07-03T01:26:54.164-04:00A few weeks ago...I always find myself coming back to this blog like an old friend each time I just need to type something out, express some of my feelings or something, not sure exactly. I even attempted to start a new blog, but I always find myself wanting to come back here to this one. I guess maybe it is familiarity? This blog has history to it, I have been posting here for so many years, albeit posts few and far between, that this blog really is like a friend.<br />
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Anyways, on to the point of why I have returned to my dear friend.<br />
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A little over two weeks ago I went back to visit friends and family in the state where I went to college. It was so wonderful to see people, some of whom I hadn't see in over a year and a half, and to reunite like we had never spent a day apart, I loved that. One of the first friends I was able to meet up with was one of my supervisors from my internship which I completed during my final semester of college. In my previous posts I have referred to her as C, <a href="http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2011/10/one-hell-of-day.html">this post</a> and <a href="http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2011/10/monday-discussion-with-c.html">this post</a> mention her, there may be more but I don't remember. She is a pretty awesome woman. She knows some things about my struggle with self-harm and has struggled with self-harm herself. We had agreed to meet up during the week prior to my flying out there, and so I texted her when I arrived and we planned a meeting place, a little coffee shop near where she lives, date and time. I was incredibly anxious about meeting up with her. I basically always get that way in social situations, always thinking that people will think bad things about me. I know it pretty much doesn't make sense at all, but it is always where my mind goes. Anyways, after some initial awkwardness where I was having to force myself to breathe and listen and laugh when appropriate we got into having a nice conversation. We talked about pretty much everything, from religion to self-harm to tea to basically anything that popped into our heads. It was so natural, as if we were long time friends and had continued talking for the year and a half where we actually were out of touch other than the few texts sent back and forth. We literally sat there outside of the coffee shop with our tea growing cold and talked for three hours before they started closing up the coffee shop and we realized how late it was getting.<br />
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She encouraged me in a lot of things. She encouraged me in my counseling while also sharing how she has been doing with her own counseling and even confessing that she still has thoughts about self-harm even though it has been years since she last did it. That really eased my mind. I guess sometimes I feel like those thoughts should just disappear if i am doing things right, which of course is not the case. Courtney is very strong in her faith and I guess I would say that being around her makes me wonder if maybe there is a god out there somewhere who really does care. She has such a strong belief, but she didn't push it on me. She shared about her own faith story but didn't force her beliefs on me. I don't know how to explain it really, but basically she shared things that are a part of her reality but treated them as an opinion instead of a fact and treated me like I mattered even if I didn't necessarily agree with her. I am going to say that she is a really great person. She encouraged me to pray (again, not in a forceful way, I really don't know how to explain it...) She said "Pray for something specific and you will see your answer" and "when you decide what to pray for let me know and I will pray too because I firmly believe that when two people pray for the same thing it will happen."<br />
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I really appreciate her offer, and have even tried to figure out what on earth I would like to pray for, but I don't honestly know what I want. I want things to change and stay how they are. I want to be me and to be more not me. I want to feel something inside of me that could lead me to believe in a higher power but I also just really don't give a fuck. I want so many things but want nothing at all. I want to know what I want and what will hold meaning for my life but I have been searching for so long that I don't know if it exists.<br />
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Anyways, as it gets later and later my mind is beginning to ramble and lose concentration. Tomorrow I have a counseling appointment again. I had almost decided to just give up on counseling, but I think I want to try to be assertive tomorrow (I teach my kiddos aka clients about assertive communication, if I can't put it into practice then why should I think that they can?)<br />
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Goodnight.<br />
Emmy R.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-41702263884598909992013-04-20T02:26:00.000-04:002013-04-20T02:26:49.738-04:00So, my life has been incredibly insane lately. I could take a whole lot of time to explain it all, but I think i will give a few bullet points and a basic outline.<br />
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When I last posted I was trying to decide if I wanted to take a certain job, I didn't take it. I decided to stay with the job I have had for nearly 9 months now (I can't believe that it has been so long).<br />
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Since then I have:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Moved (to my second place of residence since moving away from home)</li>
<li>Bought a car</li>
<li>Had car for about a month</li>
<li>Crashed said car</li>
<li>Was given a one week notice to move out of my place of residence after having lived there for just over a month, due to absolutely nothing that I had done, but rather because the people I was renting from broke up.</li>
<li>Sold (now totaled) car</li>
<li>Moved (to my third place of residence)</li>
</ul>
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(It should be noted that the above all took place within about a month and a half)</div>
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Now I am in a new (and hopefully semi-permanent) home and renting out a room again, but hopefully in a place where there is far less drama.</div>
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Anyways, the reason I wanted to write this blog post was because I just have been feeling the desire to make a post recently. Obviously a lot has gone on for my in the last few months of my life. There could even be another bullet point there saying that I have found a counselor and been to one counseling session. This counselor is a lot more promising that the first one I saw while at my current job. I feel a lot more comfortable with her right off the bat than I did with the last lady. At least this lady doesn't seem like she just wants to throw a bunch of diagnoses at me.The last counselor I saw told me I had low self-esteem, was codependent along with other things like that, and then kept telling me to buy this book or that CD in order to heal myself from these things (isn't that what she was supposed to be helping me with?). It was not a good counseling experience.</div>
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I have only been to one appointment with this lady, but she seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked me about what brought me in and, although I didn't tell her everything right off the bat (of course) I was able to talk about some things. One thing she mentioned to me was that she thinks I have complicated grief (my friend Paige died when I was 16). I thought I had dealt with that and moved past it, but she said she noticed that my face looked really sad when I talked about her. She said that she thinks I might be a good candidate for <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing">EMDR</a> (which apparently helps a person to separate the emotions from a memory, so that you don't automatically associate that memory with the emotions and they go hand it hand, one example would be someone who was sexually abused as a child, EMDR would be used for the person to think about the things that happened and talk about them but through the EMDR process you are able to removed the fear or anger or sadness from that situation I guess.) Now I don't really know about anyone else, but I want the ability to be sad about my friend dying, so my one concern with this is that I don't want to go numb about it all.</div>
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One other big thing that has happened recently is that I opened up to a coworker/friend about my self-harm. I talked to her about my past struggle and how it was hard to hear a Foster Parent talk about their foster child who is struggling with self-harm. She basically kept making "cutting" movements with her arm and just was saying stuff that to me just made me anxious and not feel well. My coworker thinks I should talk to my supervisor so that I will not get put on any cases in which someone might struggle with self-harm. I don't know that this is a necessary step to take, I mean I want to be able to work with kids who also struggle with self-harm.</div>
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Anyways, back to the counselor. I sort of wonder if the EMDR thing would also help me to remove the emotional associations I have with self-harm and then help me to be more capable to work with clients who struggle with self-harm. I guess maybe it could give me a better overall perspective of the situation rather than just an emotional perspective.</div>
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I just read an article about EMDR treatment being used on a girl who then immediately stopped self-harming. I don't know if I am ready for that. Maybe I can mention it to the counselor (although just the thought makes me nervous).</div>
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And a final note to add to this crazy random blog post, I am currently not on any medications for my anxiety/depression or whatever. I took myself off the last one because it was causing me to have dizzy spells that were really messing with me. I tried about four different medications, not sure if these are the right ones, I would have to go look at my chart at the doctors office, but I think it was these. Most recently I was on Celexa (citalopram), but the side effect of dizziness caused me to take myself off of it. I believe I was on two different dosages. I am pretty sure the other three that I tried were Paxil (paroxetine), Prozac (fluoxetine), and Zoloft (sertraline). The sertraline side effect that got me was tenderness in my breasts. I work with kids in my day job and am around them a lot outside my work as well, and when you work with kids you get elbowed in the boobs often enough that breast tenderness is not a good thing. It was no fun! haha</div>
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Anyways, it is way past time for bed. Maybe I will post at some point in the near future (just trying to be honest!) (:</div>
Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-60738641712235281502013-01-27T19:49:00.001-05:002013-01-27T19:49:39.378-05:00I don't know what to do.<br />
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.<br />
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I have to make a decision today. A decision that two weeks ago would have been easy as pie (which apparently is quite easy). I would have taken the job. I was so so so dissatisfied with my current job. I still am but I am not sure if this new job is the right next step for me. I know I have terribly neglected this blog lately, but I really need a place to figure this out, and where else except the confines of my head which I have poured out on these pages for so many years. It was suggested to me to simply create a pros and cons list for the job.<br />
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Taking the job:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Pros:</li>
<ul>
<li>Not having to deal with the supervisor I do not get along with at all.</li>
<li>Getting paid more per hour and potentially moving up to full time within the next few months.</li>
<li>Starting off in a new job where I can better use my degree.</li>
<li>The potential for growth is higher within this job.</li>
<li>A fresh start.</li>
<li>A job which will look great on a resume and in any future career choices.</li>
</ul>
<li>Cons:</li>
<ul>
<li>Starting off part time.</li>
<li>Leaving a place I have just started to put down roots in.</li>
<li>Leaving MourningStar.</li>
<li>Moving back in with my parents.</li>
<li>Having to start all over and learn a new job all over again with no for sure promise of getting along with coworkers/supervisors or of having this job be my forever job.</li>
<li>Less contact with coworkers/ability to make friends.</li>
<li>Not having weekends and for sure days off. I would be working less hours but more days during the week to start.</li>
<li>I have to be available 12pm-8:30pm.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
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Not taking the job:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Pros:</li>
<ul>
<li>I get to stay in a familiar job.</li>
<li>I get to see if there will be any improvement in this current job before just moving on to another job.</li>
<li>I get to keep doing MourningStar</li>
<li>I don't have to move back in with my parents.</li>
<li>I know I can make ends meet with my current pay.</li>
<li>I get to stay close to my new friends</li>
<li>It will look good on a resume to have stayed in a job longer than 6 months rather than leaving after 6 months.</li>
</ul>
<li>Cons:</li>
<ul>
<li>I do not get to see new experiences.</li>
<li>I stay in a job which I know I do not get along with my supervisor.</li>
<li>Same pay, same experience.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
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<br />
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For some reason I just cannot decide what is the best choice. I have had this huge desire to get away from my current job for so long. Maybe taking the first job that comes along is not the best idea, or it could be the best decision I ever make.<br />
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I read this post on tumblr the other night. It said something to the effect of "Imagine you are standing somewhere and a stranger just comes up to you and hands you a book. You start reading the book and realize it is your life story. Would you read the book until the end?"<br />
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Right now I would pick up that book and turn to the pages where I am making this decision. I sort of imagine that the book at this point would become one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books that I used to read all the time. I could read each section and see what the consequences and benefits of my decision might be. Wouldn't that be nice. It might help me decide which is the better option, of course both have the potential to end abysmally, the same as both have the potential to be wonderful in the future. Like Laura said last night when I was talking to her, there is not a right or wrong answer.<br />
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Potential and Definite Benefits of taking the New Job:<br />
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<ul>
<li>P: Higher pay (at least once full time, which makes it potential)</li>
<li>P: New experience which could be the perfect fit for me.</li>
<li>P: Making new friends.</li>
<li>D: Being near old, high school, friends.</li>
</ul>
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Potential and Definite Consequences of taking the New Job:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>P: Not being the right fit for the job and never moving up to full time.</li>
<li>D: Moving back in with my parents.</li>
<li>D: Not being able to do MourningStar in Victorville.</li>
<li>D: Leaving behind my friends in Victorville</li>
</ul>
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Another thought that just popped into my head is that I don't want to disappoint the person I interviewed with by not accepting the job, she seemed to like me so much. How co-dependent of me. *sigh* I am not sure if this is helping make things clearer or not.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-84738723647336191522012-06-13T02:55:00.002-04:002012-06-13T02:55:58.833-04:00ProcessingFor some reason I have been feeling the need to write way more recently than I have in the past while. I mean, really? Two posts within 5 days of each other? that has not happened in a long time. Life has not been going the best lately, I am working on a med change which I have been on this new med for like 3 weeks, but I am getting more and more anxious lately. Not really sure why, the opposite should be happening. Anywho, things have been a little rough. Earlier today though, something happened, or really I thought about letting it happen (it will make sense after you read the post), and I am not really sure how I feel about it, so I need to process it, and that is why I am here.<br />
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First off, a little background. I attend church (forcefully) with my family. I pretty much stay in the nursery every Sunday because I have no desire to be in the church service due to some issues I have with the church my parents go to (and pretty much religion in general, but that is a whole other story). Basically though I LOVE kids. I also got hired by the church to do some child care during the week for different things going on at church, bible studies and the like. The youth leaders for the church's youth group (who are a married couple) were bringing in their son on Tuesdays, and he seems to like me (he is a fussy baby, and doesn't like too many people.) Also during this time I was bringing my brothers to youth group and staying while they were there, to at lest give me some time out of the house. I got to know the youth leaders/pastors (Kaylyn and Danny), and they wound up asking me to be a youth leader, which basically means to keep doing what I was doing and coming to youth group with the kids. I said no problem and continued coming like I already had been.<br />
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Now today I was watching Kaylyn and Danny's son while they were in a meeting, and Kaylyn asked me to put him down for a nap in the pac-n-play in their office. I did that and then was just stuck sitting in the office and bored. I began perusing the bookshelves. I found a couple books that I have read or at least seen or heard of. Then a book near the left side of one of the shelves caught my eye, because I own that book. It is called "Inside a Cutter's Mind". The book, while written from a Christian perspective, I think is helpful to understanding the mind of someone who struggles with self harm. I took the book off the shelf and paged through it reminding myself of what it said. Then I put the book back and my mind began freaking out a little. haha. I was thinking to myself that I wanted to ask her what she thought of the book, but then my mind just jumped to that she would know that I struggled with self-harm if i asked her anything about the book, which of course if not rational, but my mind was not being rational. haha. I basically spent the better part of an hour going back and forth in my head from, "well, maybe it would not be so bad if she knew" to "oh gosh, how could you even consider telling her, or asking about the book, she'll know!" to "just asking about the book wouldn't mean that you struggle with it".<br />
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I still had not really made a decision when the little guy started crying, so I picked him up and started walking with him, my mind far more focused on him than the book anymore. A little later Kaylyn came back and the little guy was fussy again and she laid him down back to sleep, and then I got out of there before saying anything at all.<br />
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Basically I am thinking about what I can do, I think it might be interesting to ask her thoughts on the book, but it scares me, like a lot. I even wonder if she would be interested in reading other books that sort of deal with that topic, as well as other topics, like "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher PhD or "Ophelia Speaks" by Sara Shandler. I don't know what I will do. I mean maybe she has not even read that book, and it just sits on her shelves waiting to be read. I over-think everything, but right now it is time to at least attempt to fall asleep.<br />
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Goodnight anyone who is reading this.<br />Emmy REmmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-73237202645325407492012-06-07T02:20:00.002-04:002012-06-07T02:21:15.128-04:00Homesick?wrote this a few nights ago as I was attempting to fall asleep. I think too much at night and then don't sleep well because I am too anxious about it all. Anyways, without further ado I give you some late night, half asleep and tear filled ramblings. <br />
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<br />
<br />
homesick.<br />
homesick for what?<br />
homesick for the past.<br />
homesick for the easier times.<br />
homesick for friends who know<br />
some of my deepest secrets.<br />
homesick for a lot of things. but technically<br />
i am already home.<br />
what does this mean?<br />
it seems like<br />
my heart<br />
is torn<br />
in two<br />
and i will never truly<br />
be home again.<br />
it is a strange feeling<br />
to be homesick<br />
for somewhere that is not your home<br />
but it holds a piece<br />
of your heart<br />
and it will not let go.<br />
<br />
where is my home?<br />
can i ever really be home again?<br />
what if i can not?<br />
what do i do then?<br />
spend my life in one place<br />
with my heart yearning for the other<br />
i wish i could straddle myself between the two<br />
but alas, it is futile<br />
i don't know that my heart can handle this tear<br />
it is so broken and scarred already<br />
it is weak<br />
weak<br />
and<br />
brokenEmmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-24868628757217730082012-02-21T02:48:00.002-05:002012-02-21T03:27:32.117-05:00I am scared to be honest in real life. I told one of the people who I care about most in the world the truth that I have been hiding from her for years. I did that while I was visiting her a little less than a month ago. I hate how I can be so open and honest when writing and then when I try to say things out loud I just can't do it. I stumble over my words like someone who has never spoken before.<br /><br />Let me start from the beginning because I just need to process through this. Just under a month ago I went to visit a friend who lives out of the country. Her name is Laura and I have written about her on this blog in the past. Anywho, when I was in high school I started to tell her about my struggle with self-harm, but was stopped short because I understood that she was going to have to tell my parents if I told her. I spent a good chunk of high school dropping hints as to what it was that I was struggling with, but never really told her exactly what was going on.<br /><br />Over the years my friend Laura and I have had a relationship at a distance, at least once I went to college halfway across the country. I often thought about telling her more about what I was struggling with, but I just didn't want to have the conversation over a telephone call or on skype. A few years back Laura and her husband and daughter moved out of the country, far far away. We spoke way less frequently and it was hard to find times that worked for both of us because the time difference was almost night and day, and I still had not told her what I wanted so badly to talk to her about.<br /><br />Now back to where I started, I was able to go out and visit my friend where she is currently living. I knew that this would quite possibly be my only chance for a few years to see my friend in person and I needed to talk to her about my struggle. I debated back and forth as to if I should actually do it or not, and finally settled on the fact that if I did not do it I would regret it. The big day came and I flew across the world to see my good friend once again! I was so excited to see her. I waited and waited for the right moment to bring up the subject with her and it never quite came. Many times we would be walking along the road headed somewhere together and I would think to myself that I should tell her what was on my mind but I could not bring myself to do that. I was freaked out and over thinking everything.<br /><br />Near the end of my trip I finally forced myself to do it. I came out and asked her if she remembered the time when I was in high school and on the youth group trip that I had started to talk to her about something (<a href="http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-self-harm-testimony.html">This post</a> talks about that trip, paragraph 5-6). I told her that I didn't think I had really been fair when I talked to her back then, and that I wanted to answer any questions that she might have about that period in my life. She told me that she was glad that I brought it up and it actually had been something that was on her mind that she had wanted to ask me about but she didn't know how to bring it up. She asked a few questions, the first one being "What exactly was it that you were struggling with?" as well as a few questions about the "logistics" of my struggle (i.e. where did I do it? did I ever need stitches? did I have any scars?). In answering her questions i just stumbled through and could not come up with good answers. I made sure that she knew she could ask any questions that she might have about it and to just let me know.<br /><br />It was a crazy conversation to have, but well worth it because I am glad she knows now.<br /><br />Anywho, she told me a while back that she had another question for me, and asked if we could talk about it on skype sometime. I told her that yes we could and just today we finally got a chance to talk on skype and she asked me. She wanted to know what method of self-harm I used (i.e. cutting, burning, hair pulling etc.). I once again tripped over my words like none other and had a hard time answering her. It is so hard to let a person you love so much know these hugely intimate details of a struggle they don't really understand.<br /><br />ok, I am rambling a lot now. I need to sleep.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-2064766282633319642012-02-05T12:42:00.002-05:002012-02-05T12:45:06.501-05:00Would you be my valentine?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhldcLxt0sKdIFz3XtgV3HLDgLrhkq7_85S3_ZEr8bA0e5w_Vhan09JdqODbDy9akbu9pxjURqGX-LOAHE_qNPuxo1FC0mw4QiXiuGHeR5t6kLuaLYgyHgOax5vzzmyo8Jpm8B3c3JogvI/s400/celebratesinglesday.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 303px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhldcLxt0sKdIFz3XtgV3HLDgLrhkq7_85S3_ZEr8bA0e5w_Vhan09JdqODbDy9akbu9pxjURqGX-LOAHE_qNPuxo1FC0mw4QiXiuGHeR5t6kLuaLYgyHgOax5vzzmyo8Jpm8B3c3JogvI/s400/celebratesinglesday.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />This could very well be my own secret. I love it. The only difference is that it would be 21 years. *sigh* I have talked about it before on here, ranted and raved. Sometimes I am ok, most of the time I am ok, or at least I pretend that I am ok that I have never really had a boyfriend, unless you count that awkward first date with my guy friend, which ended by him introducing me to his cousin as his girlfriend. Ya, I don't count that one. haha.<br /><br />I am done ranting now, gotta get ready to go to church with the family. yuck. *sigh*Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-26693455006062736062012-01-17T15:40:00.003-05:002012-01-17T16:11:11.107-05:00Swirling thoughtsI don't know if anyone really reads this. But if you do, then you will know about my past posts where I have talked about my friend Laura. Back during the summer before my sophomore year (grade 10) I attempted to tell Laura about my struggle with self-harm. To make a long story short (which I could bore you with many tiny details about) I wound up unable to actually tell her what was going on. She was a youth leader, and I was a minor, and in the states there are confidentiality laws which say that clergy (=staff at a church) are mandated reporters if a minor they work with has told them about someone hurting them (including them hurting themselves) or their own plans to hurt someone else. This can be interpreted to include if a youth is self-harming and definitely includes if a youth expresses feeling suicidal. Basically because I was 16 (a minor) I was not able to tell her because she would have to tell my parents.<br /><br />Since this point (6.5 years ago) I have on and off wanted to tell Laura about it. When I really began wanting to tell her (when I was about 19) she moved away to a country on the other side of the world. It was hard, and I didn't really want to tell her via skype. Right now I am visiting her on the other side of the world. I have the opportunity to tell her. I am questioning myself though.<br /><br />Should I tell her? (Maybe she has questions and it would be good of me to answer them.) Should I forget about it? (It <span style="font-style: italic;">was</span> 6 years ago, maybe she doesn't even remember.) I go back and forth on whether or not to tell her. If I don't I will probably regret it, but what if I do and it goes horribly? It scares me to think about telling her.<br /><br />If I tell her this, maybe she will look at me differently. There are some questions she is bound to ask me, questions that are scary and I am not sure I want to answer them. I know, I know, as per the advice I give people, you don't have to say anymore than what you want to say, but it is hard to remember that on the spot. (questions like: where do you do it? when was the last time? what do you use? anything details sucks.)<br /><br />And of course I over-think everything. I replay the conversation over and over in my head trying to figure out how it will go. Me talking about this is not easy, I feel like I am losing my 'control' by talking about it and that scares me. I try to control it by thinking through the conversation and analyzing everything. The truth is I don't even know how to start the conversation with her.<br /><br />Right now she is sitting near me, and tomorrow I plan to talk to her about it. That is if I can get up the courage and find some time alone with her.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-83808240381517637172011-12-04T21:32:00.003-05:002011-12-04T21:35:30.637-05:00Anxiety: two poemsPoems written on 10/7/11 that I just found in my school binder:<br /><br />(Anxiety Attack: a haiku)<br />heart beating too fast<br />breathing becomes much harder<br />feel out of control<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Spinning<br />Sliding<br />Swerving<br />One thought<br />Around another<br />Too fast<br />Anxiety ensuesEmmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-43280811680673132532011-11-08T07:44:00.003-05:002011-11-08T07:46:35.103-05:00I wanted to give a quick update on meds as well. I saw a doctor out by my college because my anxiety has been particularly bad. She put me on Zoloft for my anxiety, which is technically an antidepressant, but also can help with anxiety. So hopefully that will help. She told me that I can still take my buspar as needed when the anxiety is bad, and I still have been taking that the same amount as before, but the Zoloft is supposed to take 4-6 weeks to kick in...<br /><br />Gotta go!<br /><br />Emmy R.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-53632328377556631332011-11-08T07:29:00.002-05:002011-11-08T07:43:38.828-05:00Dream...and a little bit of past and present...I had a crazy dream this morning, just before I woke up. Somehow my mom had found out about my self-harm. Someone had told her about it. I only remember freaking out and bawling (which is crazy because I quite literally never cry), feeling so out of control. I was at my aunt's house and I ran down the hallway and into the bathroom She sent my sister after me and made her go into the bathroom with me. My sister was supposed to make sure I didn't cut myself. I wasn't planning on cutting myself, I just needed to be alone and they couldn't/wouldn't give me that.<br /><br />It was horrible. I think the reason that I don't really tell anyone is because of the fact that I worry that they will freak out and think that I am going to cut myself all the time. The reaction of my mom in my dream is probably my second best guess as to how she would react, the way I could really see her reacting is by pretending the conversation never happened.<br /><br />I think I wrote about that before. I don't remember though. My mom tends to react to hard situation by pretending that they don't exist. For example, when I tried to tell her that my best friend was doing drugs in middle school she told me my friend was probably lying to me and to just go to sleep. This is the reaction I would actually probably expect. However in high school when they (my parents) almost, sort-of-kind-of, found out via the school counselor and computer tech guys at school (long story short, I was posting on one of my blogs at school, and because of some research I was doing for a paper about eating disorders and pro-ana/mia websites it put up a red flag and they found my blog as well). Anyways, they took me out to get a smoothie and basically started yelling at me. That is why I could also see them to get into that place where they are angry at me and overreact.<br /><br />Anywho, I need to start thinking about heading off to my internship now.<br /><br />Oh wait, but I never told you that over the weekend I sort of told one of my friends about my self-harm, actually he sort of guessed. Yikes! I was a little bit tipsy and sort of lost my filter, whoops. Anyways, so now he knows, and I am mostly ok with that. I will add more detail at some point maybe if I decide to blog again soon.<br /><br />Emmy R.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-16243082049790999992011-11-06T15:34:00.002-05:002011-11-06T15:45:03.017-05:00I love you and miss you.Today makes 5 years since my best friend Paige passed away from her battle with cancer. When she died my heart was ripped apart. I have healed in many ways, but there will always be a part missing. I love you and miss you so much Paige! March 4, 1990-November 6, 2006Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-60551043496090008992011-11-05T20:22:00.001-04:002011-11-05T20:27:48.988-04:00Transtheoretical Model of Change<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> 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mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"">Developed by James O. Prochaska at the University of Rhode Island and his colleagues in 1977. From what I can tell, it was first used with smoking cessation, and later used with other behaviors viewed as negative, and now it can be applied to many areas where a person might want to change things in their life.</span><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman""></span> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"">What is the Transtheoretical Model of Change?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"">It is a way to outline how ready a person is to end a negative behavior in their lives.</span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Precontemplation – a stage where people are not planning on taking action to change things in their lives. Generally people are not aware that their behavior is a problem</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Personal: I don’t know that I have been in this stage, I think for the most part I knew from the beginning that what I was doing was not ok, hence trying to hide it from the very beginning, however I wasn’t planning on taking any steps to change my actions.</span></li></ul></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman""> </span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Contemplation – a stage when people are sort of beginning to recognize that they have a problem, and that they need to change their behavior. The look at the pros and cons of continuing their behavior.</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Precontemplation to contemplation.</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="square"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Increasing knowledge about self and problem</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Beginning to express feelings about your problem</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Thinking about how your behavior impacts yourself and those around you</span></li></ul><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">I think that this stage for me was when I was a sophomore in high school, or year 10. I was realizing that I had an issue and considering the possibility of change.</span></li></ul></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman""> </span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Preparation – a stage where people begin to have an intention to take action soon. May make some small steps.</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Contemplation to Preparation</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="square"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Thinking about yourself with regards to the behavior.<span class="mw-headline"></span></span></li></ul><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">This was probably also during year 10. I made personal steps and sought out help from people who also struggled with self-harm via the internet.</span></li></ul></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman""> </span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Action – a stage where you make obvious changes in your life and positive change is visible.</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Preparation to action</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="square"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Thinking about freeing yourself from your behavior</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Committing yourself to taking action steps</span></li></ul><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">This was probably the summer after my sophomore year when I first made a step to ask for help with what I was doing. I talked to a youth leader and was not able to tell her everything, but I was seeking out help on a greater level than before.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">I might still be in this stage, or between this stage and the next.</span></li></ul></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman""> </span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Maintenance – a stage where people are working on keeping from relapsing. A person could be in this stage for the rest of their lives.</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Action to maintenance</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="square"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Substituting thoughts, activities, places, people and things that could influence you to use the old behavior with new things</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Having someone who can help keep you accountable</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level3 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Remembering the positive benefits of change</span></li></ul><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">I could be considered to be in this stage, but not always, because I have relapsed in the recent past, but I am also working towards not relapsing again.</span></li></ul></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman""> </span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Termination – This is a stage that some people add on to the model, where a person is no longer tempted to go back to their old behaviors. They are completely sure that they will not go back to their old way of coping.</span></li><ul style="margin-top:0in" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level2 lfo1;tab-stops:list 1.0in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">I am not sure how this stage fits in to my life. I would love it if I could be here someday, but a large part of me wonders if this is even possible for me.</span></li></ul></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman""> </span></p> <ul style="margin-top:0in" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"">Relapse – some people also include relapse as a part of this model, it is not considered a “stage” but rather what happens when someone moves back to a previous stage.</span></li></ul>Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-56119221156537253942011-10-16T21:14:00.003-04:002011-10-16T21:32:37.905-04:00AnxietySince I am on here, I also wanted to update anyone who reads this blog about my life in general. My anxiety has been really bad lately, especially when it comes to my internship. I actually felt not anxious today for the first time in a long while! It was wonderful to feel calm and not have this constant feeling of anxiety of having stuff to get done.<br /><br />I take buspar (buspirone) for my anxiety. It is one of the few non-addictive anxiety medications, which I really like about it. My psychiatrist back home has me on 5mg of buspar up to three times per day (as needed). One unfortunate side effect for me with the buspar, is that I get really dizzy when I take it, particularly if I take the doses too close together (any less than 2 hours apart) which can happen if I am feeling particularly anxious and I don't remember the last time I took a dose. It might sound ridiculous but, sometimes one pill just doesn't help enough to bring my anxiety down. Like I said, buspar is non-addictive, so you don't build up a tolerance to it like you can with many other anxiety drugs, which is why it seems so weird to me that the buspar just will not kick in sometimes to help take the edge off the anxiety.<br /><br />I know that medication for anxiety is not the only option and I have also been using techniques that I learned in counseling in order to help me calm down. Deep breathing is something I use every day, usually constantly during the day (the people I work with closely at my internship probably think I am crazy because they hear me breathing really deeply constantly...haha). I also use visualization exercises, or an exercise where I go through my whole body little by little relaxing the whole body (this one is harder to do, because I don't really have the time to sit down and do that, but if I can find the time then I do use it because it works better than just the deep breathing, though if anyone would walk in on me while I was doing it then they would probably think I was sleeping or something...and that is not good...haha). Anywho, I have been using alternate ways of getting myself to calm down, but at this point I think that I need to get on a new medication or something.<br /><br />I made a doctors appointment for Tuesday the 25th of October, and I think that I should be able to get on a new medication hopefully for the anxiety. I will also keep you updated on how that all works out (:<br /><br />Emmy R.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-83729535248202591352011-10-16T18:20:00.004-04:002011-10-16T21:14:34.160-04:00Monday, a discussion with CSo, I realized that I never updated about how my conversation with C went on Monday. It went ok. I arrived at my internship on Monday pretty freaked out about the whole thing, and as soon as I got there I was sort of put to work on a project. Once I was finished with that project and asked C if she had another one for me to work on. She started looking to see what she had but stopped short, and said "I almost forgot" and she shut the door. At this point I was reeling and totally freaked out about the prospect of talking about everything. She asked me how I was feeling about what we had talked about on Thursday. I basically told her that it was making me really anxious that she knew and the prospect of telling Sh had me totally freaked out. C asked me if I would be willing to tell Sh, like in a way that was just vague like I had originally tried to tell her. I told C that basically I had accidentally told her about everything, I told her how in a moment of panic I just sort of freaked out and because I was trying too hard not to tell her it just sort of spilled out. She sort of laughed a little and I just looked at her, thinking how it wasn't really funny, and she said that she laughed because it really sounded like something she would do. I told her that I was not really feeling comfortable with the idea of telling Sh about it because I was worried the same thing would happen as did with C. She said she understood that being scary. I asked C if she had ever told Sh about her own struggle with self-harm and C told me that she had not. I asked her why she thought it would be good for me to tell Sh and she told me that she thought it would be good to get more ideas on ways to learn to cope with the triggers that will undoubtedly come up in the Social Work field, for example, the fact that a client could struggle with self-harm. So eventually we settled on the idea that C would tell Sh very vaguely about the fact that I have something that triggers me, but she would not tell her what it was that triggered me.<br /><br />So C wound up telling Sh in her supervision later that day. On Tuesday I asked C how that conversation had gone and she said that it was fine, and Sh didn't pry or anything and just told C some things that could be helpful for us to discuss together at our next supervision, which will be this coming Thursday.<br /><br />I will keep you updated on the progress with that and how this coming Thursday goes. I am feeling a lot better about everything right now though, and starting to feel less anxious about the idea of C knowing about it, I mean it still bothers me, but less than it did right off the bat since I have had some time to get used to the idea.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-3224745646288194292011-10-09T14:14:00.003-04:002011-10-09T17:08:19.615-04:00One hell of a day...I just recently posted a video to my youtube channel with me talking all about my day on Thursday. I just really need to process it some more before going back to my internship place on Monday.<br /><br />Ok, so basically here is the background to the story, on my very first day at my internship, about four weeks or so ago, I was helping out with this program which is for first time shoplifters. (I was working with St**) The clients get referred to our program after they have been caught shoplifting and they can get it expunged from their record by attending a group and basically learning about some different things like peer pressure, self-esteem, etc. The goal is not to talk about the actual issue of shoplifting, but rather to help them with other areas of their lives which could have influenced them to make that decision to shoplift. Anywho, I was observing the group and it was cool to see the clients and to just interact with them a little bit. Afterward we had to do an "assessment" which basically is that we just ask some questions of the client, like medical history, any mental health issues, any drug/alcohol use, any family history of that sort of thing etc. Just a brief assessment of that because the program is considered "mental health treatment".<br /><br />We started the two assessments with a male client and the assessment went well there wasn't much to say. Then we did an assessment with a girl. That one was a lot harder. We sat down and basically everyone was just talking about the basics (information about the program, dates and times, general feelings about the program, what had happened that had brought her there etc.) As we were having those discussions I noticed that she had scars all over one of her arms, it sort of messed with my head and I was feeling sort of dizzy and I was like sort of mentally checking out a little bit. I was worried that I was going to have to mention it to St, the girl I work with on Mondays. I was also feeling really triggered by it, which was strange because generally talking about self-harm or seeing images of self-harm is not something that really triggers me. Anyways, she had written down that she had a history of self-harm and several other mental health issues. St, noticed that she had written that down and was asking her questions about it. (i.e. was she seeking treatment, when was the last time, etc.) I was just internally freaking out, like a lot. It was pretty intense. After that was done I pretty much just headed back home, still feeling really triggered.<br /><br />The next Sunday I went to church with a friend (I don't usually attend church, but he had an LGBT friendly church he wanted to check out, so I decided that I really had nothing else to do so why not? haha). The church had a really traditional feel (I am not a huge fan of traditional churches and like hymns and stuff) so I was a bit uncomfortable. We found a seat and the service started, we sang a few hymns and listened to doxologys and whatever else and then the sermon began. I don't really remember much about it except at the end the pastor started talking about self-harm (calling it self-mutilation which I HATE with a passion) and he was talking about anorexia and like saying how we need to give it all to God and that sort of stuff. Basically, I was just really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I didn't expect it to be talked about in church, let alone after I was still sort of shaken by what had happened on Monday. It pushed me over the edge and I did wind up self-harming later that week.<br /><br />Ok, so back to Thursday. On Thursdays I have this thing called supervision where basically I meet with one of my two supervisors (C**, the one I spend the most time with, and Sh**, the one who is the one who is really in charge) to discuss what has happened in the past week. I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to talk about during supervision, so I asked C about it and she basically said, supervision is a time where you can bring up anything that you think is important, any progress you have made, anything that jarred you or any questions you may have since the last time we met. When she talked about stuff jarring me I automatically thought of the situation from my first day. I had already sort of been wondering if I should talk to her about it, and had discussed it with a friend of mine (an internet friend, Amy). Basically I wound up deciding to mention it in a very vague way, like "So what should you do if something you come across while working sort of messes with you because it might be something you struggle with personally".<br /><br />I went into the meeting thinking that I would probably talk about it in the vague sense. Basically, when I did say it in the vague sense she didn't really understand what I was saying and just thought that it was like the fact that it is hard to see some things, like for example when she was younger C used to run away from home a lot because she didn't have a good home life, and the building we work in also houses a homeless youth shelter or another example she gave is that it is just hard for her to hear about kids who have been sexually abused because it just is not easy to hear about. Because she wasn't really getting my point I wanted to be clearer and basically everything just spilled out. I told her I struggled with self-harm and that there had been a client who had talked about it on my first day when I was with St. C told me that she had struggled with it too in the past and that it is something that will come across fairly often with the populations that we work with, so we sort of have to be able to handle it. She asked me how I felt about self-disclosure (using personal stories when talking with clients in order to be able to relate to them). I told her that I would probably not ever be able to talk to clients about it because it seems like the wrong kind of relationship to have with clients. She talked about how she might share her story with a kid from youth group, but not really with the clients at work. I agreed that the situations were very different from each other and that I wouldn't share with a client, but would be more likely to do so with a kid from youth group. She also mentioned how we just need to rely on God about stuff like this or something to that effect (the organization that I work for is not religious, however C is and because I go to a Christian University, she probably just assumes that I am as well) So basically we ended the discussion with that, and then moved on to discuss some paperwork that needed to get done.<br /><br />After the paperwork was done I drove back to school to work at my on-campus job. I was still a little rattled from the conversation with C, but I sat down at the work computer and started working on stuff for work, but after a little while I was just really starting to freak, out my heart was beating fast, it was hard to breathe and my thoughts were out of control. I am pretty sure it was an anxiety attack, but I am not a doctor or anything. I was freaking out about it and so I decided to text C because I needed to find out if she was going to tell anyone about it. Below is what our texting conversation was.<br /><br /><br /><blockquote><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Me --> C:</span> "hey. i just wanted to ask you something real quick about supervision. are you going to need to talk to Sh about what we talked about?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">C --> Me:</span> "Not necessarily, just only if i feel like i need direction, r u talking about the self harm stuff?"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Me --> C:</span> "ya..."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">C --> Me:</span> "Well, wuld u rather tell her urself or do u not feel comfortable with her knowing period"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Me --> C:</span> "if you think she needs to know i would rather tell her myself i think..."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">C --> Me:</span> "I agree, it wuld be helpful 4 u just 2 get more tools* but wuld it b ok 2 chat about it monday and decide the next step 2gether"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Me --> C:</span> "ya. that would be good i think. thanks."<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">C --> Me:</span> "Np lady!!!"<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">*side note: by tool she does not mean "tools" as in things used to self-harm, rather she means like ways to deal with triggers...</span><br /></blockquote>I felt a little better afterwards about the fact that C was not going to just tell Sh about everything until after she talks to me. Now I am worried that C will really want me to tell Sh myself, and I just don't know if I want to tell her about it. I didn't want to tell C in the first place because I just don't really want the people I work with to know something so personal about me. C has mentioned to me on several occasions that their last intern was a "hot mess" and I don't want her to think of me that way, not that they will think that because of this but it is just awkward to have people know this huge secret about you (something that almost no one knows about you).<br /><br />First I think I will ask C why she thinks it would be good for me to talk to Sh about it. Like in what ways does she see it being beneficial to me? I also think that I am going to ask C if she ever told Sh about the fact that she struggles with self-harm. If she hasn't, then I want to know why she thinks I should if she has not. If she has told her I want to hear about how Sh reacted to C telling her and if it has really been beneficial for C that she told Sh.<br /><br />At this point in time I am just feeling really anxious about the prospect of even talking to C about it tomorrow. I am also super anxious that I am going to be expected to tell Sh about it, not that they can force me to tell her, but something along the lines of C saying "you tell or I will" or something like that. *sigh*<br /><br />Anyways, this post is getting long and rambly and I need to finish it. I will try to update tomorrow (or soon) as to how it goes with C and Sh, I hope it goes well.<br /><br />Talk to you later!<br />Emmy R.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />**initials used instead of their full names...just because I am paranoid...Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-91148325694708413722011-09-10T23:30:00.001-04:002011-09-11T09:16:37.055-04:00It is always really awkward when you wind up hanging out with two friends who are a couple and you end up going out and doing something coupley with them. Tonight I went to a sort of demolition derby thing with two friends who are dating. They kept on doing coupley things; cuddling, holding hands, little kisses, whispered intimate conversations. Right now I am frusturated because I hate that this is a big deal to me. = hate myself for wanting a relationship so much. I don't want to need anyone but deep down I yearn for companionship, and I HATE to admit that. It makes me feel weak. I also hate how much the issue of never being in a relationship affects me, so much so that I post two blog entries in a row that talk about the subject. I am sorry for complaing so much about this. At my school there is this thing called the "Senior Scramble" which basically is that people in their last year of uni are all trying to find their life partner before school is over. With that going on around me how can I help the frustrations that come with it. And family members keep telling me "oh Emmy, you still have 4 months left at uni, that is plenty of time to find a spouse" *sigh*<br />Sorry about making two posts in a row about this. Hopefully my next post will be a happier one. I really do hope so. I could use a happy post! hahaEmmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-34347964639439438102011-09-03T01:07:00.003-04:002011-09-03T01:17:11.164-04:00I wrote this about a week ago and I just remembered about it and decided to post it:
<br /><blockquote>people always tell me, "just wait, the right guy will come along soon enough"...but i think guys are just not attracted to me...i meam being 21 and never even having a guy express interest in me has to prove something right? for a while i told myself it didn't matter and that i can do everything i want by myself, and that is true, but now i just feel like an undesirable piece of shit, i would love to know that someone could be attracted to me, that i am not a complete loser. just knowing that it could be a possibility would be nice. unfortunately guys don't even try to take advantage of me when i am drunk...instead they go after my best friends and even my little sister, proving that noone really likes me and i am undesirable to anyone. i mean is being hit on by one person in my life too much to ask for?</blockquote>Most of the time I don't care about the fact that guys have never seemed interested in me...but sometimes I just get fed up with it. When I am home I have relatives constantly asking me when I will start dating someone, or who my boyfriend is, and every time my answer is the same "Who knows" and "I don't have a boyfriend"...it is pretty ridiculous, if I had a boyfriend I would tell you, stop asking every time you see me and making me feel extremely inadequate, like my value depends upon being in a relationship with a guy.
<br />Like I said, a lot of the time I could care less, I know deep in my heart that my value does not depend on finding a life partner, or even dating someone. My value is defined by me and what I choose to make of my life, I will do great things I am sure, and I don't need a man to do the great things I see in my future. (that being said, I don't mean that I don't want a guy in my life, I just know that I can do great things even if I never wind up with anyone)
<br />*sigh* it still makes me sad though, because my whole life I have been told that I will get married, but yet apparently I am so undesirable that no one is interested...whatever...if the right person comes along then then will, if they don't they don't...
<br />i feel so conflicted...
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<br />I am out of here. Hopefully I will post again soon.
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<br />Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-53167902160570551462011-07-18T01:37:00.003-04:002011-07-18T01:57:04.391-04:00Randomness...(sorry for such a depressing post...)I haven't written a blog post in a really long time, and actually I just have been so uninspired these past few weeks. I am tired, just tired, and really not feeling well, I think I am sinking slowly back into the depression I was facing earlier this year. I wish I could do something to stop this, and actually, lets face it, if I was to get off my lazy butt and just do something, go out on a jog a couple times a week or something, I know I would feel better (it helped before), but I am so tired and I always want to be sleeping or sitting on my computer and re-blogging posts from tumblr...<br /><br />I hate where I am, but I have no energy or desire to move forward from this spot.<br /><br />Cutting has been on my mind constantly lately, I have no reason really to do it, I am just feeling so down and tired and I feel like cutting would be an action which would make me feel better, or at least less numb than I am now. I don't think I have ever cut for feeling numb before, so it is quite strange for me right now to feel this way. My reasons for cutting have always been because there has been too much emotion, I was feeling out of control, but right now I just want to feel something, anything, and that really really scares me...<br /><br />(Story that randomly just popped into my head:) When I first decided to stop self-harming I made this bracelet out of duct tape, it was just a simple circle of duct tape layered double so that it was not sticky. On this duct tape I sewed the words "reasons why" along with a whole bunch of initials of people in my life who were the reasons I wanted to stop self-harming, like people I cared about and who cared about me. My mom found the bracelet at one point and sort of freaked out about it a little bit because she thought it was like reasons why I wanted to kill myself or something I think, but I hid it away and we never talked about it again...<br /><br />(A random rant:) I am one of five kids in my family, so having people be around me is not something that is ever hard to come by, on the other hand, getting time where you are truly alone is one of the hardest things ever, right now for instance, I might be along in my room but I can hear one brother yelling about some computer game he is playing and the other brother calmly explaining something else, the voices of the people around me are a constant thing, at any moment someone could come knock on my door and ask me to do something. I really miss my ability to just hide away in my room during the school year and just get some me time. Not that I did that all the time, but right now I just feel really drained and like I need some time to myself, I need a day away from all this, something always constantly going on. The loss of my ability to be alone I think is also contributing to my desire to cut, I just know that that has helped me to feel better in the past, and I know (even if only for a moment) that it will help now too, so something is fighting inside of me that I just cannot seem to understand which way is the better way. That is where I am right now, I just don't know which way I want to head, I know where I should want to head, but the desire is just not there and that scares me...<br /><br />Ok, I am going to be done with this really random and depressing blog post right now, and I think I am going to head to bed...<br /><br />Hopefully I will post again soon, but no promises...Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-69847112334823314572011-04-25T12:55:00.003-04:002011-04-25T13:07:46.539-04:00Honestly, when things feel good, I feel fake.I just got done reading a blog post that Lizenka put up on her blog. Here is the blog post she put up (<a href="http://lizenkalizenka.blogspot.com/2011/04/just-feeling.html">http://lizenkalizenka.blogspot.com/2011/04/just-feeling.html</a>)<br /><br />The stuff she said on there really resonated with me.<br /><br />I think that I have been trying to <span style="font-style: italic;">act</span> happy for so long that when I do feel happy it just feels so fake...<br /><br />I dunno, maybe this feeling of fakeness will go away someday, and maybe I will be able to actually feel genuinely happy and accept that someday...I sure hope so, because this is getting a little old...<br /><br />This past weekend was Easter weekend, so I went to my aunt and uncle's house for the weekend and hung out with them and my cousin. It was nice to be at their house, but I am also happy to be back to my dorm room. I have about 3.5 weeks left of classes and exams, so life is a bit crazy right now getting ready for the end of the year and doing all of the last minute papers and tests that professors seem to cram into the last few weeks of the semester...<br /><br />Anywho, I am not in a particular mood to write a long blog post, so this is pretty much all you are gonna get...Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-83738073167582038802011-03-30T23:54:00.004-04:002011-03-31T00:27:28.383-04:00*Warning: this post could trigger* Counseling sessionI had counseling today again. I am sort of still trying to process some things and I decided to make a blog post to see if I can manage to sort through it all...<br /><br />First off my counselor, Cindy, asked me, as she always does, what had gone well during the time since our last appointment. It is sort of strange because sometimes in our meetings I can barely speak, like pushing the air from my lungs and past my vocal cords in order to make sound just takes too much out of me and is too hard, that and also I freak out about what I should say, I am always worrying about how what I have to say sounds, or if it is right and whatnot.<br /><br />Anyways, she asked me what had gone well since our last session, and I squeezed a few words out, saying things like "I spent time with friends" and "I tried to exercise several times" (both of which are things that we have discussed in our meetings as ways to combat depression). She asked me if there was anything else and I sort of shrugged, and then she reminded me of the idea to work on visualization that we had talked about previously and wondered if I had worked on it. I told her I had, though not every day like she had suggested.<br /><br />So just now I am realizing that I am making a totally boring post outlining every little detail of our appointment today, which was not the point of this post. I think I was sort of procrastinating on getting to that point by just saying everything that happened. Enough of that, I am going to go on to the parts that are really rolling around in my head.<br /><br />First off I want to say something she said to me that really is messing with my head, I don't even remember the context for this part, but like I said it is really screwing with me. She told me that I don't have to stop self-harm. I was like wait a second, hold up, isn't the whole point of the appointments to help me find "tools" to use to keep me from self-harming. I didn't actually say this though, I don't know if I even ever responded, but it is still screwing with my head now.<br /><br />A little farther into the appointment she said she wanted to ask me something. She asked me what my emotions are about stopping self-harm. I told her I didn't really know if there was a specific emotion that I could pinpoint. She then said "ok well we are going to go simple then, sad, mad, glad, and bad: those are the four emotions that I want you to use to tell me how you feel about stopping self-harming." I told her that it was sort of a mix of sad and glad. Part of me knows 'I should not be self-harming' and 'normal people don't do this', and that part of me is happy to be working on stopping self-harming, finding more tools to use to keep from cutting. The other part of me is sad, that part of me is missing self-harm. It is something that has always been there for me and I don't particularly want to have it completely gone and no longer an option. She then asked me what the ratio of the two are, which one is stronger? I told her it was about 50/50, but tonight, mere hours after the appointment, for some reason I feel like the sad part is getting stronger.<br /><br />I just don't know anymore. I know what I <span style="font-style: italic;">should</span> feel, and in my head I know that self-harm is not a good way to be, I know that it is something that I should <span style="font-style: italic;">want</span> to recover from, but in my heart I just am not there right now.<br /><br />So that is basically where I am feeling right now. I have never felt this negatively toward recovery in a long time. It used to be that I really wanted it, but now I just don't know. I feel like I am slipping deeper and deeper into depression right now, just not doing well in general, and I don't know that the exercising and being around friends is really helping right now. I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my life medicated, but I am beginning to wonder if I will be able to pull myself out of the hole I feel I am in right now.<br /><br />Sorry to anyone who reads this about such a depressing post, but I am just not in the best of places right now, I mean it has been quite a while since I last self-harmed, but I am just not feeling happy at all.<br /><br />I need to head to bed now. I suppose I will post again sometime in the near future.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-31801658266563736862011-03-23T00:00:00.001-04:002011-03-23T00:00:43.018-04:00just the ramblings of my mind on a tuesday night...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> 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mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">I am not worth the effort of stopping self-harming</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It isn’t hurting anyone</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I try to stop self-harming because I know in my head that I shouldn’t do it. I know in my head that I should find better ways to cope. I wonder how I am supposed to translate those feelings to my heart. How can I actually let myself believe them deep inside of me? I have been repeating the ideas that I shouldn’t self-harm over and over, I say it so often, I tell myself I shouldn’t do it and so I don’t, not always. But am I doing it for myself? Or am I doing it for others? Is it ok if I am doing it for other people? Can I really have healing if I do it for others? I tell myself that if I just repeat it enough it will finally sink in, and I will accept it as truth, but will I? I have been telling this to myself for nearly 6 years now, almost as long as I have been struggling with self-harm, will I ever be able to believe it really?</p>Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-68893929757904421412011-02-23T23:40:00.004-05:002011-02-24T00:31:50.351-05:00back to the counselor I went...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> 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mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: normal; font-family: arial;"><span style=";font-size:100%;" >I had an appointment with a counselor at school today. I am not sure quite how I feel about it. I am sort of extra stressed out about it all right now. I feel very vulnerable and out of control right now. I mean I know I don't have to talk about anything I don't want to, and that I am the one who signed up for the appointment in the first place, but I just am feeling in a really bad place right now. I made an appointment with her because I have been in a really bad place lately, and I am worried that I might be depressed. I come from the idea that I would like to keep from being medicated if at all possible, so I want to try out some other options before resorting to medication. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: normal; font-family: arial;"><span style=";font-size:100%;" >The last time I had been to see her was near the middle of spring/second semester of last year. I had gone because I had had a really close time when I was feeling extremely triggered and wanting to self-harm, I had kept from self-harming but wanted to talk to the counselor. When I came in earlier today, she basically asked me why I had come in and I told her how I was feeling depressed, and just not good lately. After discussing that in general (symptoms, how long had I been feeling that way, any life changes that could be causing it, any medication changes, was I suicidal etc.) and some ways to help combat depression (without medication, things like more regular exercise, trying to be more involved in events, spending less time alone and more with people, etc.).</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: normal; font-family: arial;"><span style=";font-size:100%;" >She then told me that she had looked over the notes from our previous sessions and wanted to talk about self-harm. How long had it been since I last self-harmed? I told her it had been about a month give or take...then she asked me how many times during the school year I had self-harmed thus far, I took a rough guesstimate and told her that I had probably self-harmed 6-7 times in the last school year. She looked down at the sheet she was writing on and jotted something down (as she had been doing the whole time) then looked up at me and said with a sort of disappointed tone, "that is a lot more than last year". The way she talked about the self-harm in general is sort of bothering me. She almost seemed sort of dismissive of it, and sort of said things to the effect of well don't do it again before our next meeting. It is just causing me to sort of freak out about it. Because, not saying that I will, but what if I were to self-harm, how am I supposed to come back and be honest about it afterward and face all the disappointment in her voice? I guess going to counseling in general sort of stresses me out, I find it so hard to talk about these sorts of things, and it is really taxing for me to be talking to a stranger about them.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: normal; font-family: arial;"><span style=";font-size:100%;" >The whole confidentiality thing sort of freaks me out too. The form we have to fill out at the counseling center has the confidentiality rules on the back and you have to sign the paper to agree with the terms, usually there are three things on there, first is that if you tell the counselor you are planning to harm someone then they have the right to break confidentiality and tell the person you say you want to hurt, and also to tell the police to protect that person, if they suspect abuse of a child or of a dependent elderly person, and if they suspect that you are going to harm yourself. The first two are pretty straight forward to me, but the last one really freaks me out. What do they mean by harm myself, what happens if the counselor suspects that I will self-harm, will she have to tell someone? Or is it only if she thinks I will kill myself? I just don’t know and that is what worries me.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: normal; font-family: arial;"><span style=";font-size:100%;" >So basically, all in all, I am just feeling a lot more vulnerable and out of control since the talk today, I feel closer to self-harming than I have in a while. I am in general a people pleaser, and the pressure I am feeling to try and please her by not self-harming is sort of causing pressure that I would normally relieve by self-harming…it is sort of crazy really.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in; font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> Anywho, I really need to head to bed now, it is getting late. Hopefully I will be back soon enough. My next appointment is next Friday, so I will probably want to blog again then. One last thing, I mentioned to the counselor that I used to journal a lot, but it doesn't seem to do as much good anymore, and she said maybe we could talk about journaling next time and more ways to journal that might help.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in; font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Emmy R.<br /></span></p>Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2575066397802350641.post-83308408363147509502011-02-22T00:31:00.004-05:002011-02-22T17:23:48.320-05:00Counseling AppointmentSo I just wanted to make a quick post before I head to bed.<br /><br />Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was horrible and made for the worst nights sleep I have had in a while, not to mention just a general lack of sleep because I couldn't fall asleep while sobbing.<br /><br />Anywho, the whole crying-myself-to-sleep thing at least had one positive outcome, I finally made an appointment with one of the school counselors. I have met with her before, but not at all this school year if I remember correctly. I though my appointment would be made for like next week or something, but it is already this Wednesday.<br /><br />I have been feeling so extremely down lately that I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like this is my only option. I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever, I hardly scrape by and do the bare minimum for classes. I don't want to screw up this semester.<br /><br />Anyways, I am sort of glad that this appointment is coming up so soon, but I suppose it gives me less time to psych myself out about it.Emmy R.http://www.blogger.com/profile/08012622102493082805noreply@blogger.com0