Poetry (and blog) by Emmy R.

Swirling thoughts

2012-01-17T15:40:00.003-05:00

I don't know if anyone really reads this. But if you do, then you will know about my past posts where I have talked about my friend Laura. Back during the summer before my sophomore year (grade 10) I attempted to tell Laura about my struggle with self-harm. To make a long story short (which I could bore you with many tiny details about) I wound up unable to actually tell her what was going on. She was a youth leader, and I was a minor, and in the states there are confidentiality laws which say that clergy (=staff at a church) are mandated reporters if a minor they work with has told them about someone hurting them (including them hurting themselves) or their own plans to hurt someone else. This can be interpreted to include if a youth is self-harming and definitely includes if a youth expresses feeling suicidal. Basically because I was 16 (a minor) I was not able to tell her because she would have to tell my parents.

Since this point (6.5 years ago) I have on and off wanted to tell Laura about it. When I really began wanting to tell her (when I was about 19) she moved away to a country on the other side of the world. It was hard, and I didn't really want to tell her via skype. Right now I am visiting her on the other side of the world. I have the opportunity to tell her. I am questioning myself though.

Should I tell her? (Maybe she has questions and it would be good of me to answer them.) Should I forget about it? (It was 6 years ago, maybe she doesn't even remember.) I go back and forth on whether or not to tell her. If I don't I will probably regret it, but what if I do and it goes horribly? It scares me to think about telling her.

If I tell her this, maybe she will look at me differently. There are some questions she is bound to ask me, questions that are scary and I am not sure I want to answer them. I know, I know, as per the advice I give people, you don't have to say anymore than what you want to say, but it is hard to remember that on the spot. (questions like: where do you do it? when was the last time? what do you use? anything details sucks.)

And of course I over-think everything. I replay the conversation over and over in my head trying to figure out how it will go. Me talking about this is not easy, I feel like I am losing my 'control' by talking about it and that scares me. I try to control it by thinking through the conversation and analyzing everything. The truth is I don't even know how to start the conversation with her.

Right now she is sitting near me, and tomorrow I plan to talk to her about it. That is if I can get up the courage and find some time alone with her.

Anxiety: two poems

2011-12-04T21:32:00.003-05:00

Poems written on 10/7/11 that I just found in my school binder:

(Anxiety Attack: a haiku)
heart beating too fast
breathing becomes much harder
feel out of control

Spinning
Sliding
Swerving
One thought
Around another
Too fast
Anxiety ensues

2011-11-08T07:44:00.003-05:00

I wanted to give a quick update on meds as well. I saw a doctor out by my college because my anxiety has been particularly bad. She put me on Zoloft for my anxiety, which is technically an antidepressant, but also can help with anxiety. So hopefully that will help. She told me that I can still take my buspar as needed when the anxiety is bad, and I still have been taking that the same amount as before, but the Zoloft is supposed to take 4-6 weeks to kick in...

Gotta go!

Emmy R.

Dream...and a little bit of past and present...

2011-11-08T07:29:00.002-05:00

I had a crazy dream this morning, just before I woke up. Somehow my mom had found out about my self-harm. Someone had told her about it. I only remember freaking out and bawling (which is crazy because I quite literally never cry), feeling so out of control. I was at my aunt's house and I ran down the hallway and into the bathroom She sent my sister after me and made her go into the bathroom with me. My sister was supposed to make sure I didn't cut myself. I wasn't planning on cutting myself, I just needed to be alone and they couldn't/wouldn't give me that.

It was horrible. I think the reason that I don't really tell anyone is because of the fact that I worry that they will freak out and think that I am going to cut myself all the time. The reaction of my mom in my dream is probably my second best guess as to how she would react, the way I could really see her reacting is by pretending the conversation never happened.

I think I wrote about that before. I don't remember though. My mom tends to react to hard situation by pretending that they don't exist. For example, when I tried to tell her that my best friend was doing drugs in middle school she told me my friend was probably lying to me and to just go to sleep. This is the reaction I would actually probably expect. However in high school when they (my parents) almost, sort-of-kind-of, found out via the school counselor and computer tech guys at school (long story short, I was posting on one of my blogs at school, and because of some research I was doing for a paper about eating disorders and pro-ana/mia websites it put up a red flag and they found my blog as well). Anyways, they took me out to get a smoothie and basically started yelling at me. That is why I could also see them to get into that place where they are angry at me and overreact.

Anywho, I need to start thinking about heading off to my internship now.

Oh wait, but I never told you that over the weekend I sort of told one of my friends about my self-harm, actually he sort of guessed. Yikes! I was a little bit tipsy and sort of lost my filter, whoops. Anyways, so now he knows, and I am mostly ok with that. I will add more detail at some point maybe if I decide to blog again soon.

Emmy R.

I love you and miss you.

2011-11-06T15:34:00.002-05:00

Today makes 5 years since my best friend Paige passed away from her battle with cancer. When she died my heart was ripped apart. I have healed in many ways, but there will always be a part missing. I love you and miss you so much Paige! March 4, 1990-November 6, 2006

Transtheoretical Model of Change

2011-11-05T20:22:00.001-04:00

Developed by James O. Prochaska at the University of Rhode Island and his colleagues in 1977. From what I can tell, it was first used with smoking cessation, and later used with other behaviors viewed as negative, and now it can be applied to many areas where a person might want to change things in their life.

What is the Transtheoretical Model of Change?

It is a way to outline how ready a person is to end a negative behavior in their lives.

Precontemplation – a stage where people are not planning on taking action to change things in their lives. Generally people are not aware that their behavior is a problem

Personal: I don’t know that I have been in this stage, I think for the most part I knew from the beginning that what I was doing was not ok, hence trying to hide it from the very beginning, however I wasn’t planning on taking any steps to change my actions.

Contemplation – a stage when people are sort of beginning to recognize that they have a problem, and that they need to change their behavior. The look at the pros and cons of continuing their behavior.

Precontemplation to contemplation.

Increasing knowledge about self and problem
Beginning to express feelings about your problem
Thinking about how your behavior impacts yourself and those around you

I think that this stage for me was when I was a sophomore in high school, or year 10. I was realizing that I had an issue and considering the possibility of change.

Preparation – a stage where people begin to have an intention to take action soon. May make some small steps.

Contemplation to Preparation

Thinking about yourself with regards to the behavior.

This was probably also during year 10. I made personal steps and sought out help from people who also struggled with self-harm via the internet.

Action – a stage where you make obvious changes in your life and positive change is visible.

Preparation to action

Thinking about freeing yourself from your behavior
Committing yourself to taking action steps

This was probably the summer after my sophomore year when I first made a step to ask for help with what I was doing. I talked to a youth leader and was not able to tell her everything, but I was seeking out help on a greater level than before.
I might still be in this stage, or between this stage and the next.

Maintenance – a stage where people are working on keeping from relapsing. A person could be in this stage for the rest of their lives.

Action to maintenance

Substituting thoughts, activities, places, people and things that could influence you to use the old behavior with new things
Having someone who can help keep you accountable
Remembering the positive benefits of change

I could be considered to be in this stage, but not always, because I have relapsed in the recent past, but I am also working towards not relapsing again.

Termination – This is a stage that some people add on to the model, where a person is no longer tempted to go back to their old behaviors. They are completely sure that they will not go back to their old way of coping.

I am not sure how this stage fits in to my life. I would love it if I could be here someday, but a large part of me wonders if this is even possible for me.

Relapse – some people also include relapse as a part of this model, it is not considered a “stage” but rather what happens when someone moves back to a previous stage.

Anxiety

2011-10-16T21:14:00.003-04:00

Since I am on here, I also wanted to update anyone who reads this blog about my life in general. My anxiety has been really bad lately, especially when it comes to my internship. I actually felt not anxious today for the first time in a long while! It was wonderful to feel calm and not have this constant feeling of anxiety of having stuff to get done.

I take buspar (buspirone) for my anxiety. It is one of the few non-addictive anxiety medications, which I really like about it. My psychiatrist back home has me on 5mg of buspar up to three times per day (as needed). One unfortunate side effect for me with the buspar, is that I get really dizzy when I take it, particularly if I take the doses too close together (any less than 2 hours apart) which can happen if I am feeling particularly anxious and I don't remember the last time I took a dose. It might sound ridiculous but, sometimes one pill just doesn't help enough to bring my anxiety down. Like I said, buspar is non-addictive, so you don't build up a tolerance to it like you can with many other anxiety drugs, which is why it seems so weird to me that the buspar just will not kick in sometimes to help take the edge off the anxiety.

I know that medication for anxiety is not the only option and I have also been using techniques that I learned in counseling in order to help me calm down. Deep breathing is something I use every day, usually constantly during the day (the people I work with closely at my internship probably think I am crazy because they hear me breathing really deeply constantly...haha). I also use visualization exercises, or an exercise where I go through my whole body little by little relaxing the whole body (this one is harder to do, because I don't really have the time to sit down and do that, but if I can find the time then I do use it because it works better than just the deep breathing, though if anyone would walk in on me while I was doing it then they would probably think I was sleeping or something...and that is not good...haha). Anywho, I have been using alternate ways of getting myself to calm down, but at this point I think that I need to get on a new medication or something.

I made a doctors appointment for Tuesday the 25th of October, and I think that I should be able to get on a new medication hopefully for the anxiety. I will also keep you updated on how that all works out (:

Emmy R.

Monday, a discussion with C

2011-10-16T18:20:00.004-04:00

So, I realized that I never updated about how my conversation with C went on Monday. It went ok. I arrived at my internship on Monday pretty freaked out about the whole thing, and as soon as I got there I was sort of put to work on a project. Once I was finished with that project and asked C if she had another one for me to work on. She started looking to see what she had but stopped short, and said "I almost forgot" and she shut the door. At this point I was reeling and totally freaked out about the prospect of talking about everything. She asked me how I was feeling about what we had talked about on Thursday. I basically told her that it was making me really anxious that she knew and the prospect of telling Sh had me totally freaked out. C asked me if I would be willing to tell Sh, like in a way that was just vague like I had originally tried to tell her. I told C that basically I had accidentally told her about everything, I told her how in a moment of panic I just sort of freaked out and because I was trying too hard not to tell her it just sort of spilled out. She sort of laughed a little and I just looked at her, thinking how it wasn't really funny, and she said that she laughed because it really sounded like something she would do. I told her that I was not really feeling comfortable with the idea of telling Sh about it because I was worried the same thing would happen as did with C. She said she understood that being scary. I asked C if she had ever told Sh about her own struggle with self-harm and C told me that she had not. I asked her why she thought it would be good for me to tell Sh and she told me that she thought it would be good to get more ideas on ways to learn to cope with the triggers that will undoubtedly come up in the Social Work field, for example, the fact that a client could struggle with self-harm. So eventually we settled on the idea that C would tell Sh very vaguely about the fact that I have something that triggers me, but she would not tell her what it was that triggered me.

So C wound up telling Sh in her supervision later that day. On Tuesday I asked C how that conversation had gone and she said that it was fine, and Sh didn't pry or anything and just told C some things that could be helpful for us to discuss together at our next supervision, which will be this coming Thursday.

I will keep you updated on the progress with that and how this coming Thursday goes. I am feeling a lot better about everything right now though, and starting to feel less anxious about the idea of C knowing about it, I mean it still bothers me, but less than it did right off the bat since I have had some time to get used to the idea.

One hell of a day...

2011-10-09T14:14:00.003-04:00

I just recently posted a video to my youtube channel with me talking all about my day on Thursday. I just really need to process it some more before going back to my internship place on Monday.

Ok, so basically here is the background to the story, on my very first day at my internship, about four weeks or so ago, I was helping out with this program which is for first time shoplifters. (I was working with St**) The clients get referred to our program after they have been caught shoplifting and they can get it expunged from their record by attending a group and basically learning about some different things like peer pressure, self-esteem, etc. The goal is not to talk about the actual issue of shoplifting, but rather to help them with other areas of their lives which could have influenced them to make that decision to shoplift. Anywho, I was observing the group and it was cool to see the clients and to just interact with them a little bit. Afterward we had to do an "assessment" which basically is that we just ask some questions of the client, like medical history, any mental health issues, any drug/alcohol use, any family history of that sort of thing etc. Just a brief assessment of that because the program is considered "mental health treatment".

We started the two assessments with a male client and the assessment went well there wasn't much to say. Then we did an assessment with a girl. That one was a lot harder. We sat down and basically everyone was just talking about the basics (information about the program, dates and times, general feelings about the program, what had happened that had brought her there etc.) As we were having those discussions I noticed that she had scars all over one of her arms, it sort of messed with my head and I was feeling sort of dizzy and I was like sort of mentally checking out a little bit. I was worried that I was going to have to mention it to St, the girl I work with on Mondays. I was also feeling really triggered by it, which was strange because generally talking about self-harm or seeing images of self-harm is not something that really triggers me. Anyways, she had written down that she had a history of self-harm and several other mental health issues. St, noticed that she had written that down and was asking her questions about it. (i.e. was she seeking treatment, when was the last time, etc.) I was just internally freaking out, like a lot. It was pretty intense. After that was done I pretty much just headed back home, still feeling really triggered.

The next Sunday I went to church with a friend (I don't usually attend church, but he had an LGBT friendly church he wanted to check out, so I decided that I really had nothing else to do so why not? haha). The church had a really traditional feel (I am not a huge fan of traditional churches and like hymns and stuff) so I was a bit uncomfortable. We found a seat and the service started, we sang a few hymns and listened to doxologys and whatever else and then the sermon began. I don't really remember much about it except at the end the pastor started talking about self-harm (calling it self-mutilation which I HATE with a passion) and he was talking about anorexia and like saying how we need to give it all to God and that sort of stuff. Basically, I was just really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I didn't expect it to be talked about in church, let alone after I was still sort of shaken by what had happened on Monday. It pushed me over the edge and I did wind up self-harming later that week.

Ok, so back to Thursday. On Thursdays I have this thing called supervision where basically I meet with one of my two supervisors (C**, the one I spend the most time with, and Sh**, the one who is the one who is really in charge) to discuss what has happened in the past week. I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to talk about during supervision, so I asked C about it and she basically said, supervision is a time where you can bring up anything that you think is important, any progress you have made, anything that jarred you or any questions you may have since the last time we met. When she talked about stuff jarring me I automatically thought of the situation from my first day. I had already sort of been wondering if I should talk to her about it, and had discussed it with a friend of mine (an internet friend, Amy). Basically I wound up deciding to mention it in a very vague way, like "So what should you do if something you come across while working sort of messes with you because it might be something you struggle with personally".

I went into the meeting thinking that I would probably talk about it in the vague sense. Basically, when I did say it in the vague sense she didn't really understand what I was saying and just thought that it was like the fact that it is hard to see some things, like for example when she was younger C used to run away from home a lot because she didn't have a good home life, and the building we work in also houses a homeless youth shelter or another example she gave is that it is just hard for her to hear about kids who have been sexually abused because it just is not easy to hear about. Because she wasn't really getting my point I wanted to be clearer and basically everything just spilled out. I told her I struggled with self-harm and that there had been a client who had talked about it on my first day when I was with St. C told me that she had struggled with it too in the past and that it is something that will come across fairly often with the populations that we work with, so we sort of have to be able to handle it. She asked me how I felt about self-disclosure (using personal stories when talking with clients in order to be able to relate to them). I told her that I would probably not ever be able to talk to clients about it because it seems like the wrong kind of relationship to have with clients. She talked about how she might share her story with a kid from youth group, but not really with the clients at work. I agreed that the situations were very different from each other and that I wouldn't share with a client, but would be more likely to do so with a kid from youth group. She also mentioned how we just need to rely on God about stuff like this or something to that effect (the organization that I work for is not religious, however C is and because I go to a Christian University, she probably just assumes that I am as well) So basically we ended the discussion with that, and then moved on to discuss some paperwork that needed to get done.

After the paperwork was done I drove back to school to work at my on-campus job. I was still a little rattled from the conversation with C, but I sat down at the work computer and started working on stuff for work, but after a little while I was just really starting to freak, out my heart was beating fast, it was hard to breathe and my thoughts were out of control. I am pretty sure it was an anxiety attack, but I am not a doctor or anything. I was freaking out about it and so I decided to text C because I needed to find out if she was going to tell anyone about it. Below is what our texting conversation was.

Me --> C: "hey. i just wanted to ask you something real quick about supervision. are you going to need to talk to Sh about what we talked about?"
C --> Me: "Not necessarily, just only if i feel like i need direction, r u talking about the self harm stuff?"
Me --> C: "ya..."
C --> Me: "Well, wuld u rather tell her urself or do u not feel comfortable with her knowing period"
Me --> C: "if you think she needs to know i would rather tell her myself i think..."
C --> Me: "I agree, it wuld be helpful 4 u just 2 get more tools* but wuld it b ok 2 chat about it monday and decide the next step 2gether"
Me --> C: "ya. that would be good i think. thanks."
C --> Me: "Np lady!!!"
*side note: by tool she does not mean "tools" as in things used to self-harm, rather she means like ways to deal with triggers...

I felt a little better afterwards about the fact that C was not going to just tell Sh about everything until after she talks to me. Now I am worried that C will really want me to tell Sh myself, and I just don't know if I want to tell her about it. I didn't want to tell C in the first place because I just don't really want the people I work with to know something so personal about me. C has mentioned to me on several occasions that their last intern was a "hot mess" and I don't want her to think of me that way, not that they will think that because of this but it is just awkward to have people know this huge secret about you (something that almost no one knows about you).

First I think I will ask C why she thinks it would be good for me to talk to Sh about it. Like in what ways does she see it being beneficial to me? I also think that I am going to ask C if she ever told Sh about the fact that she struggles with self-harm. If she hasn't, then I want to know why she thinks I should if she has not. If she has told her I want to hear about how Sh reacted to C telling her and if it has really been beneficial for C that she told Sh.

At this point in time I am just feeling really anxious about the prospect of even talking to C about it tomorrow. I am also super anxious that I am going to be expected to tell Sh about it, not that they can force me to tell her, but something along the lines of C saying "you tell or I will" or something like that. *sigh*

Anyways, this post is getting long and rambly and I need to finish it. I will try to update tomorrow (or soon) as to how it goes with C and Sh, I hope it goes well.

Talk to you later!
Emmy R.

**initials used instead of their full names...just because I am paranoid...

2011-09-10T23:30:00.001-04:00

It is always really awkward when you wind up hanging out with two friends who are a couple and you end up going out and doing something coupley with them. Tonight I went to a sort of demolition derby thing with two friends who are dating. They kept on doing coupley things; cuddling, holding hands, little kisses, whispered intimate conversations. Right now I am frusturated because I hate that this is a big deal to me. = hate myself for wanting a relationship so much. I don't want to need anyone but deep down I yearn for companionship, and I HATE to admit that. It makes me feel weak. I also hate how much the issue of never being in a relationship affects me, so much so that I post two blog entries in a row that talk about the subject. I am sorry for complaing so much about this. At my school there is this thing called the "Senior Scramble" which basically is that people in their last year of uni are all trying to find their life partner before school is over. With that going on around me how can I help the frustrations that come with it. And family members keep telling me "oh Emmy, you still have 4 months left at uni, that is plenty of time to find a spouse" *sigh*
Sorry about making two posts in a row about this. Hopefully my next post will be a happier one. I really do hope so. I could use a happy post! haha

2011-09-03T01:07:00.003-04:00

I wrote this about a week ago and I just remembered about it and decided to post it:

people always tell me, "just wait, the right guy will come along soon enough"...but i think guys are just not attracted to me...i meam being 21 and never even having a guy express interest in me has to prove something right? for a while i told myself it didn't matter and that i can do everything i want by myself, and that is true, but now i just feel like an undesirable piece of shit, i would love to know that someone could be attracted to me, that i am not a complete loser. just knowing that it could be a possibility would be nice. unfortunately guys don't even try to take advantage of me when i am drunk...instead they go after my best friends and even my little sister, proving that noone really likes me and i am undesirable to anyone. i mean is being hit on by one person in my life too much to ask for?

Most of the time I don't care about the fact that guys have never seemed interested in me...but sometimes I just get fed up with it. When I am home I have relatives constantly asking me when I will start dating someone, or who my boyfriend is, and every time my answer is the same "Who knows" and "I don't have a boyfriend"...it is pretty ridiculous, if I had a boyfriend I would tell you, stop asking every time you see me and making me feel extremely inadequate, like my value depends upon being in a relationship with a guy.
Like I said, a lot of the time I could care less, I know deep in my heart that my value does not depend on finding a life partner, or even dating someone. My value is defined by me and what I choose to make of my life, I will do great things I am sure, and I don't need a man to do the great things I see in my future. (that being said, I don't mean that I don't want a guy in my life, I just know that I can do great things even if I never wind up with anyone)
*sigh* it still makes me sad though, because my whole life I have been told that I will get married, but yet apparently I am so undesirable that no one is interested...whatever...if the right person comes along then then will, if they don't they don't...
i feel so conflicted...

I am out of here. Hopefully I will post again soon.

Randomness...(sorry for such a depressing post...)

2011-07-18T01:37:00.003-04:00

I haven't written a blog post in a really long time, and actually I just have been so uninspired these past few weeks. I am tired, just tired, and really not feeling well, I think I am sinking slowly back into the depression I was facing earlier this year. I wish I could do something to stop this, and actually, lets face it, if I was to get off my lazy butt and just do something, go out on a jog a couple times a week or something, I know I would feel better (it helped before), but I am so tired and I always want to be sleeping or sitting on my computer and re-blogging posts from tumblr...

I hate where I am, but I have no energy or desire to move forward from this spot.

Cutting has been on my mind constantly lately, I have no reason really to do it, I am just feeling so down and tired and I feel like cutting would be an action which would make me feel better, or at least less numb than I am now. I don't think I have ever cut for feeling numb before, so it is quite strange for me right now to feel this way. My reasons for cutting have always been because there has been too much emotion, I was feeling out of control, but right now I just want to feel something, anything, and that really really scares me...

(Story that randomly just popped into my head:) When I first decided to stop self-harming I made this bracelet out of duct tape, it was just a simple circle of duct tape layered double so that it was not sticky. On this duct tape I sewed the words "reasons why" along with a whole bunch of initials of people in my life who were the reasons I wanted to stop self-harming, like people I cared about and who cared about me. My mom found the bracelet at one point and sort of freaked out about it a little bit because she thought it was like reasons why I wanted to kill myself or something I think, but I hid it away and we never talked about it again...

(A random rant:) I am one of five kids in my family, so having people be around me is not something that is ever hard to come by, on the other hand, getting time where you are truly alone is one of the hardest things ever, right now for instance, I might be along in my room but I can hear one brother yelling about some computer game he is playing and the other brother calmly explaining something else, the voices of the people around me are a constant thing, at any moment someone could come knock on my door and ask me to do something. I really miss my ability to just hide away in my room during the school year and just get some me time. Not that I did that all the time, but right now I just feel really drained and like I need some time to myself, I need a day away from all this, something always constantly going on. The loss of my ability to be alone I think is also contributing to my desire to cut, I just know that that has helped me to feel better in the past, and I know (even if only for a moment) that it will help now too, so something is fighting inside of me that I just cannot seem to understand which way is the better way. That is where I am right now, I just don't know which way I want to head, I know where I should want to head, but the desire is just not there and that scares me...

Ok, I am going to be done with this really random and depressing blog post right now, and I think I am going to head to bed...

Hopefully I will post again soon, but no promises...

Honestly, when things feel good, I feel fake.

2011-04-25T12:55:00.003-04:00

I just got done reading a blog post that Lizenka put up on her blog. Here is the blog post she put up (http://lizenkalizenka.blogspot.com/2011/04/just-feeling.html)

The stuff she said on there really resonated with me.

I think that I have been trying to act happy for so long that when I do feel happy it just feels so fake...

I dunno, maybe this feeling of fakeness will go away someday, and maybe I will be able to actually feel genuinely happy and accept that someday...I sure hope so, because this is getting a little old...

This past weekend was Easter weekend, so I went to my aunt and uncle's house for the weekend and hung out with them and my cousin. It was nice to be at their house, but I am also happy to be back to my dorm room. I have about 3.5 weeks left of classes and exams, so life is a bit crazy right now getting ready for the end of the year and doing all of the last minute papers and tests that professors seem to cram into the last few weeks of the semester...

Anywho, I am not in a particular mood to write a long blog post, so this is pretty much all you are gonna get...

Warning: this post could trigger Counseling session

2011-03-30T23:54:00.004-04:00

I had counseling today again. I am sort of still trying to process some things and I decided to make a blog post to see if I can manage to sort through it all...

First off my counselor, Cindy, asked me, as she always does, what had gone well during the time since our last appointment. It is sort of strange because sometimes in our meetings I can barely speak, like pushing the air from my lungs and past my vocal cords in order to make sound just takes too much out of me and is too hard, that and also I freak out about what I should say, I am always worrying about how what I have to say sounds, or if it is right and whatnot.

Anyways, she asked me what had gone well since our last session, and I squeezed a few words out, saying things like "I spent time with friends" and "I tried to exercise several times" (both of which are things that we have discussed in our meetings as ways to combat depression). She asked me if there was anything else and I sort of shrugged, and then she reminded me of the idea to work on visualization that we had talked about previously and wondered if I had worked on it. I told her I had, though not every day like she had suggested.

So just now I am realizing that I am making a totally boring post outlining every little detail of our appointment today, which was not the point of this post. I think I was sort of procrastinating on getting to that point by just saying everything that happened. Enough of that, I am going to go on to the parts that are really rolling around in my head.

First off I want to say something she said to me that really is messing with my head, I don't even remember the context for this part, but like I said it is really screwing with me. She told me that I don't have to stop self-harm. I was like wait a second, hold up, isn't the whole point of the appointments to help me find "tools" to use to keep me from self-harming. I didn't actually say this though, I don't know if I even ever responded, but it is still screwing with my head now.

A little farther into the appointment she said she wanted to ask me something. She asked me what my emotions are about stopping self-harm. I told her I didn't really know if there was a specific emotion that I could pinpoint. She then said "ok well we are going to go simple then, sad, mad, glad, and bad: those are the four emotions that I want you to use to tell me how you feel about stopping self-harming." I told her that it was sort of a mix of sad and glad. Part of me knows 'I should not be self-harming' and 'normal people don't do this', and that part of me is happy to be working on stopping self-harming, finding more tools to use to keep from cutting. The other part of me is sad, that part of me is missing self-harm. It is something that has always been there for me and I don't particularly want to have it completely gone and no longer an option. She then asked me what the ratio of the two are, which one is stronger? I told her it was about 50/50, but tonight, mere hours after the appointment, for some reason I feel like the sad part is getting stronger.

I just don't know anymore. I know what I should feel, and in my head I know that self-harm is not a good way to be, I know that it is something that I should want to recover from, but in my heart I just am not there right now.

So that is basically where I am feeling right now. I have never felt this negatively toward recovery in a long time. It used to be that I really wanted it, but now I just don't know. I feel like I am slipping deeper and deeper into depression right now, just not doing well in general, and I don't know that the exercising and being around friends is really helping right now. I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my life medicated, but I am beginning to wonder if I will be able to pull myself out of the hole I feel I am in right now.

Sorry to anyone who reads this about such a depressing post, but I am just not in the best of places right now, I mean it has been quite a while since I last self-harmed, but I am just not feeling happy at all.

I need to head to bed now. I suppose I will post again sometime in the near future.

just the ramblings of my mind on a tuesday night...

2011-03-23T00:00:00.001-04:00

I am not worth the effort of stopping self-harming

It isn’t hurting anyone

I try to stop self-harming because I know in my head that I shouldn’t do it. I know in my head that I should find better ways to cope. I wonder how I am supposed to translate those feelings to my heart. How can I actually let myself believe them deep inside of me? I have been repeating the ideas that I shouldn’t self-harm over and over, I say it so often, I tell myself I shouldn’t do it and so I don’t, not always. But am I doing it for myself? Or am I doing it for others? Is it ok if I am doing it for other people? Can I really have healing if I do it for others? I tell myself that if I just repeat it enough it will finally sink in, and I will accept it as truth, but will I? I have been telling this to myself for nearly 6 years now, almost as long as I have been struggling with self-harm, will I ever be able to believe it really?

back to the counselor I went...

2011-02-23T23:40:00.004-05:00

I had an appointment with a counselor at school today. I am not sure quite how I feel about it. I am sort of extra stressed out about it all right now. I feel very vulnerable and out of control right now. I mean I know I don't have to talk about anything I don't want to, and that I am the one who signed up for the appointment in the first place, but I just am feeling in a really bad place right now. I made an appointment with her because I have been in a really bad place lately, and I am worried that I might be depressed. I come from the idea that I would like to keep from being medicated if at all possible, so I want to try out some other options before resorting to medication.

The last time I had been to see her was near the middle of spring/second semester of last year. I had gone because I had had a really close time when I was feeling extremely triggered and wanting to self-harm, I had kept from self-harming but wanted to talk to the counselor. When I came in earlier today, she basically asked me why I had come in and I told her how I was feeling depressed, and just not good lately. After discussing that in general (symptoms, how long had I been feeling that way, any life changes that could be causing it, any medication changes, was I suicidal etc.) and some ways to help combat depression (without medication, things like more regular exercise, trying to be more involved in events, spending less time alone and more with people, etc.).

She then told me that she had looked over the notes from our previous sessions and wanted to talk about self-harm. How long had it been since I last self-harmed? I told her it had been about a month give or take...then she asked me how many times during the school year I had self-harmed thus far, I took a rough guesstimate and told her that I had probably self-harmed 6-7 times in the last school year. She looked down at the sheet she was writing on and jotted something down (as she had been doing the whole time) then looked up at me and said with a sort of disappointed tone, "that is a lot more than last year". The way she talked about the self-harm in general is sort of bothering me. She almost seemed sort of dismissive of it, and sort of said things to the effect of well don't do it again before our next meeting. It is just causing me to sort of freak out about it. Because, not saying that I will, but what if I were to self-harm, how am I supposed to come back and be honest about it afterward and face all the disappointment in her voice? I guess going to counseling in general sort of stresses me out, I find it so hard to talk about these sorts of things, and it is really taxing for me to be talking to a stranger about them.

The whole confidentiality thing sort of freaks me out too. The form we have to fill out at the counseling center has the confidentiality rules on the back and you have to sign the paper to agree with the terms, usually there are three things on there, first is that if you tell the counselor you are planning to harm someone then they have the right to break confidentiality and tell the person you say you want to hurt, and also to tell the police to protect that person, if they suspect abuse of a child or of a dependent elderly person, and if they suspect that you are going to harm yourself. The first two are pretty straight forward to me, but the last one really freaks me out. What do they mean by harm myself, what happens if the counselor suspects that I will self-harm, will she have to tell someone? Or is it only if she thinks I will kill myself? I just don’t know and that is what worries me.

So basically, all in all, I am just feeling a lot more vulnerable and out of control since the talk today, I feel closer to self-harming than I have in a while. I am in general a people pleaser, and the pressure I am feeling to try and please her by not self-harming is sort of causing pressure that I would normally relieve by self-harming…it is sort of crazy really.

Anywho, I really need to head to bed now, it is getting late. Hopefully I will be back soon enough. My next appointment is next Friday, so I will probably want to blog again then. One last thing, I mentioned to the counselor that I used to journal a lot, but it doesn't seem to do as much good anymore, and she said maybe we could talk about journaling next time and more ways to journal that might help.

Emmy R.

Counseling Appointment

2011-02-22T00:31:00.004-05:00

So I just wanted to make a quick post before I head to bed.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was horrible and made for the worst nights sleep I have had in a while, not to mention just a general lack of sleep because I couldn't fall asleep while sobbing.

Anywho, the whole crying-myself-to-sleep thing at least had one positive outcome, I finally made an appointment with one of the school counselors. I have met with her before, but not at all this school year if I remember correctly. I though my appointment would be made for like next week or something, but it is already this Wednesday.

I have been feeling so extremely down lately that I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like this is my only option. I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever, I hardly scrape by and do the bare minimum for classes. I don't want to screw up this semester.

Anyways, I am sort of glad that this appointment is coming up so soon, but I suppose it gives me less time to psych myself out about it.

Hello again.

2011-02-20T21:15:00.001-05:00

I started writing in this blog a few years back because I wanted a place to be anonymous and to share my innermost feelings. I wanted to be faceless, sort of a cover to show how I felt. My real emotions came through this blog. Poems I wrote, the emotion spewing forth through my fingers as I was typing. Somehow though, the relief that I felt as I typed stopped coming as easily. Little by little the relief that this blog brought lessened. It brought me to this point, where I rarely come on here anymore, each time promising to write more regularly, apologizing for my absence to the empty ears of my nonexistent audience.

I miss the days where I could pour my emotions out on here and it was so easy, so simple. I could talk about my struggle with self-harm and know that only strangers will read it. I could be a nameless, faceless stranger.

I changed my mind the other day. I uploaded a photo of myself, it scares me to think that someone I know could come across this blog and see my photo and read my words. How would they react? What would they think? Would they realize that the truth is that I am a stranger, a stranger to everyone around me? Would they think this blog was fake? Would it be dismissed, a mere trifle that I exaggerated my emotions into?

I started recording videos for a YouTube account a while back. I really enjoy making the videos, another outlet for me to express myself, but somehow not quite as pure as the written word. . I have met some amazing people on YouTube. I feel like I am doing far more good there than I ever did on here. I have more subscribers than I ever thought possible when I first started out. I thought maybe one or two people would find my videos, but there have been so many more who find me, some subscribe, others just comment on my videos. Strangers who I get to know through their posted videos, countries or even continents separate us, but I feel closer to them than I do to almost anyone in my real life currently. I was even asked to join a collaboration channel, where hundreds upon hundreds of people subscribe and could possibly watch my videos. I feel like I am in a position to help people and that is what I want to be doing. The pain in my life that I have experienced, I don’t want it to be all for nothing. If I can help other people maybe that will be enough, maybe it will make the pain ok. I don’t really know.

Right now I am struggling; I feel depression looming over me, most of the time I hardly make it through the school day. After I am done with school and work I come back to my room and fiddle around on the internet for the rest of the afternoon, hardly caring enough to glance at my homework and doing the bare minimum to get a passing grade.

I feel like a failure. I sit in my room all day by myself doing mostly nothing. I close the door so I don’t have to face the laughter and good times that might ring down the hall towards me from the other rooms. I hate myself for where I am. I walk around campus, rarely smiling, feeling alone. I hardly care enough to try to find some people to hang out with. Most weekends I spend cooped up in my room, by myself, watching reruns of Law and Order. I wish I felt some purpose to my life, I mean I know what I want to do in the future, but what should I do now? How can I have purpose in my life now? I feel alone and sad.

This might seem stupid, but it frustrates me that everyone around me has a “significant other” all my friendships change because people start dating and then care more about spending time with their new beau than about any old friends. Of course I sit here on the other side of things completely alone, with no dating prospects. I haven’t ever had any dating prospects. Then my mind follows some sort of deranged logic that leads me to what seems to be the fact of my lack of value. People have no interest in spending time with me, what does that say about me as a person? Guys have never given me a second glance, how should I understand my value from that? Long ago, I accepted the fact that I would likely never marry. I might say to my friends that I just have too much personality for most guys, but the truth is that guys just flat out are not interested. But like I said, I have accepted that. I will grow old, either alone or with my adopted or foster children, or even still living with my parents (my goodness I hope that last one doesn’t happen, I mean I love my parents, but I don’t want to live with them forever). I am resigned to this fact, and for the most part I am ok with it. I wish I had a friend though, someone I could trust to fill in that gap, the loneliness that is all consuming, someone who needs me as much as I need them. All of my friends have someone else, another friend group, or just SOMEONE, who they can go to besides me. No one needs me.

This blog is getting far, far too long, so I am going to end it soon. I suppose I will end with this, I don’t know where I am going right now. I wish I had something in particular to look forward to, but I cannot seem to find it right this second. I hate this feeling of being at rock bottom. I want to go back to counseling I think, make a new appointment with the counseling center on campus, but I worry myself too much about it. I have been before, and it doesn’t seem to help, but I just don’t know what else to do. I think I am depressed. I hate to use that word, it seems so cliché, but I just don’t know what else to call it.

Anyways, I am out of here. Hopefully I will be back soon with another post, sorry for leaving you guys hanging (that is if anyone really reads these) so long between posts.

Emmy R.

Once Again

2010-09-09T22:45:00.002-04:00

Every time I post, pretty much, I say something along the lines of "It has been a while since I posted, but I just wanted to give you an update..." And once again this is basically about that.

I just recently headed back to college and am done with the first two days of classes. It is weird this year because I have moved to a different dorm with different rules and a change in the basic setup of it all. There have been a lot of changes lately, and I am not sure if they are for the better or not. I was supposed to room with a friend, which would have been nice because I would have gotten a chance to have a higher level of comfortability, but that changed last minute. I do not fare well with change, and although my new roommate is great, it has been hard to get used to all this change within a few weeks of school starting. Also now that classes have started I have added stress with that.

Like I said, my roommate is nice, but she is almost nice to an extreme. It is kind of weird. I never really had a relationship with my previous roommate, we just basically lived in the same space, but this roommate like wants to talk about our day, and I am just really not used to it, so it is a bit weird.

Also another thing that has changed recently, is my relationship with my friend that I was going to live with. I do not think that the strangeness is because of the moving out thing though. I feel it is more because of the fact that she started dating one of my other friends during this summer. They seem great together, but it is definitely awkward to hang out together when it is just Brandy and Jordan, and even more so because Jordan acts like a little gentleman and like helps Brandy out of her seat and stuff, and opens doors for her, I mean I guess it is all stuff that guys are supposed to do for their girlfriend, but it just seems awkward and weird.

I just feel myself growing apart from Brandy and Jordan, like however much closer they get, the further I get from Brandy in particular. I hate it, but it just feels like that. And then they do all this stuff together and hang out and do other couple-y stuff, and then I get left behind by myself in my dorm room.

Other than that I have been feeling really down lately, near the end of the summer it got pretty bad, and then it got a bit better for like a week, and then lately it has gotten worse again. I am never really interested in doing anything more than I have to, half the time I do not even care about working on my relationship with my friends. I just sit by my computer when I am not in class or at work, and mess around watching youtube videos and on tumblr. I have also been really tired all the time, which lately I have blamed on jet-lag from my flight to school, but really is not based on that I do not think. I realize that what I just said is like basically the definition of what depression is, but I do not know if I can see myself getting any help for it. Also lately my cutting has gotten worse again, I constantly feel like cutting, but half the time I am too down to do anything about it, and most of the time I just really cannot even bring myself to care anymore, like I just do not care if I get better or not. I have been cutting on my legs now because it is easier to hide, but once winter comes I might go back to my arms, because it feels better for some reason. I feel so lame and just out of it. Part of me wants to get out of this funk and get some help for it, and maybe some medication, but the other part just tells me I deserve to feel this way and why go to the counseling center at school because it is not like they will help anyways.

Sorry this is such a downer post, I hope that all is well for anyone who actually reads this blog...

2010-08-10T23:37:00.002-04:00

When things like this happen
I automatically blame myself
It makes me feel
Like less of a person
I start to hate myself
Again

And I blame myself
Because it has happened
To me
This abandonment
Far too many times in my life
It makes me hate myself

When I am just learning
To love myself again
And my world crashes around me
So generally I fight any relationship
I am a loner

And I do not trust
So it hurts even more
When it comes from

One of the few people

Who I have let in

So i haven't updated in a while, screwed up again today, I just haven't been doing well this summer...

right now i am sort of in a bad place. I cut today and am just really feeling down and bad in general...i haven't been doing so great in general lately with sort of a roller coaster of emotions...

It all started with a routine TB skin test which tested positive...so i had to get a chest X-Ray which was negative, so my doctor said i have latent TB and there is pretty much no chance of it going positive unless i wait till i am old or have some sort of immune deficiency so she put me on an antibiotic to kill whatever i do have in me so there will be no chance of getting it, unless of course i am exposed again...

anywho i told my friend who i was going to be rooming with next year because i though it was sorta humorous...i really didn't think anything of it because my doctor said that testing positive and exposure was pretty common and i wouldn't get active and blah blah blah...so i told her and she told her mom and her mom freaked out and overreacted and told her she shouldn't room with me anymore because of it... (she has had her husband (Lung Disease, he was not a smoker or anything) and first daughter (SIDS) die of lung related diseases) and she basically runs her daughters life because she is way too worried all the time and over protective (my friend, brandy, is not even allowed to eat microwave popcorn because some ingredient in it can cause issues with the lungs, like i said over protective)

so now my friend is going to ditch me and move into another room or something, if she even can at this point with only 3 weeks left before the school year...so basically i am now just really frustrated with her mom for running her life and also with her for letting her mom do it...and also with myself for even telling her in the first place...it is all bullshit...and i am pissed off about it...

but there is nothing i can do about it anymore because though she asked me for my opinion she really didn't consider it and had already pretty much made up her mind...

the thing that frustrates me the most is that i feel abandoned (yet again) by someone i love...now obviously she will still hang out with me (or so she says she will) so she didn't really abandon me she just chose not to live with me...but it feels like i have been abandoned...

I am probably crazy for thinking that way...but

Pro-Choice Because

2010-07-21T12:52:00.002-04:00

I just ran across an interesting pro-choice website. It is interesting for the fact that it consists of just submissions which are quotes made by pro-choice people. I have a few of my favorites I have found so far that I wanted to share.

Here is the link to the website: http://www.prochoicebecause.com/index.php

"Choice. What happens to all the sixteen eighteen or twenty year old "murderers"? jail time? death penalty? a fine? whats the point. not cool to punish someone for making a choice affecting their OWN life."- Anonymous

"I am prochoice because I believe in the sanctity of women's health care. Laws prohibiting abortions may lead women to back-alley clinics with little to no post-op and the very likely chance that they will not survive or be rendered completely infertile. The chance that this situation may occur is too great to be ignored." - Talli

"The situation is NEVER black and white." - Anonymous

"I am pro choice because I have seen a 12 year old incest victim deliver a child and then proceed to have a pulmonary embolism and die. She never had a choice not to have sex. She never had a choice to use birth control. She never had a choice to terminate her pregnancy. She never had a choice to live." - Anonymous

"I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?" That sums up my feelings quite nicely." - Kate

"I think that if I had a child right now, my child would have two options: 1. Be raised by me and go without because I'm not ready yet. I'm emotionally immature and not ready financially. 2. Be adopted and think that I didn't love that child enough to keep it. Either way, I love my future children enough to make sure they never have to suffer with either option."- Marissa

""You cannot have two entities with equal rights occupying one body. One will automatically have veto power over the other - and thus they don't have equal rights. In the case of a pregnant woman, giving a "right to life" to the potential person in the womb automatically cancels out the mother's right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." It's my body." - Anonymous

This last one sums up my own thoughts on the matter pretty well:
"I am pro-choice, not pro-abortion. While I could never make that decision myself, I recognize that I am not God, and I cannot pass supreme moral judgement on the choices of other women. Every woman should choose as she sees fit." - Anonymous

2010-06-20T02:36:00.002-04:00

Sorry i have not updated in a while...i have been busy and just not felt like writing at all...

I have been doing a little too much thinking lately...or rather tonight....
I should probably start at the beginning...

Today I went to a childhood friend's baby shower. We have known each other forever (since we were like 3 or 4) and grew up in the same neighborhood until she moved when we were in 8th grade because of some issues she was having (hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing drugs and so much more). But I went to her shower and before that we were shopping for a baby gift (my mom and one of my sisters and I). My mom kept making remarks through the shopping and car ride to my friend's mom's house. She was talking about how my friend did things in the wrong order (had sex, got pregnant, got married) instead of the right way (got married, had sex, got pregnant). I was like sometimes things just happen, and she was like well you can stop those things from happening. I get so frustrated by my mom's close-mindedness sometimes. It is not like she purposely got pregnant. I mean my mom just views it like everyone should just be a perfect christian and not have sex and she says it like it is the easiest thing in the world. Maybe she had an easy time with it (I do NOT want to even think about my mom with a sex drive, but seeing as I am one of five kids...). Idk my mom just seems to judge everyone lately, my friend whose shower I went to is just one of 2 friends of mine who have gotten pregnant/had a kid before they were married. She is just being so judgmental. I still wonder what it would be like to have a mom who I could confide in. I wish I had a mother figure of some sort I could just talk to, who would not judge me for the things I do.

It hurts a lot to have my mom judge strangers on their lifestyle choices. I used to think that if I ever got pregnant outside of marriage (which, lets face it, is not on the near horizon, seeing as I am 20 and have been on one date, never had a boyfriend and never even been kissed) that she would support me, but I highly doubt it, if I ever got pregnant I would have to hide it from my parents and adopt the baby out or get an abortion (which i couldn't do because I am personally against abortion, though i also believe it should be the woman's choice). I know now more than ever that my mother would never forgive me and would judge me harshly for having sex and getting pregnant. I think that once I am out of college and have a job and on my own insurance I want to get on birth control of some kind just so that I can have a safety net in place if I ever were to have sex...

wow...i am just really frustrated with the whole situation...i am just a type of person who is accepting of other people no matter what. I try my hardest not to judge because it is not my place to, and often i have begun to see my levels of what I accept to have risen above what they used to be. Like I now see more and more the difference between Gender and Sex and also the whole gender continuum and now I accept the gender continuum a lot more than I used to...

I am rambling now...so i should probably go to bed so i can sleep off my frustration...i think what frusturates myself the most is that I really truly do NOT want to become that judgmental person...and I heard myself say something that could have come off as judgmental today to my friend, but i did not mean it that way i think my mom does not always mean it that way, but sometimes it comes out that way...

bye now...

Emmy R.

Parenthood

2010-04-22T20:33:00.002-04:00

so I have been watching this TV show called Parenthood. It is a really great show all about a family and their interactions together. You see hard things that go on from a kid diagnosed with aspergers to rebellious teenagers who hide weed in their backyard to a single mom who falls on hard times and has to move back in with her parents along with her two kids.

I was watching the most recent episode called "Rubber Band Ball" on hulu today. (http://www.hulu.com/watch/143513/parenthood-rubber-band-ball)

at 33min about there is the single mom trying to talk to her daughter. She is trying so hard to understand what is going on. I wish my mom had done that. I wish she had pushed harder, but still knew when to stop. (earlier in this episode the daughter, amber, was in her room and her mom, sarah, wanted to talk and amber just said not now, through tears...and sarah let it go...she gave amber her space, it was the epitome of a perfect interaction) but back to the scene I am at now.

Sarah: you know, i am done trying to control you, it doesn't work.
Amber: you know, i'm fine
Sarah: are you? sometimes I'm not sure. I just don't want us to be like this, i love you so much, i think i'll just try to get along with you and trust you
Amber: ok
Sarah: ok
Amber: I'm meeting Damien, he's picking me up
Sarah: ok

now that I have typed this out I am realizing that it makes no sense out of context. If you want to know the context then watch the episode, actually watch all the episodes. it is an AMAZING show! Not to get all show crazy about this show, but a lot of what goes on just hits me hard and is much deeper than what you would expect from a tv show. These two characters particularly interest me. Maybe because I have never had much of a relationship with my mom...maybe because the two deepest and most intimate conversations I have ever had with my mom went like this:

Me: I...I started my period...[first period]
Mom: well do you have stuff?
Me: nope...
Mom: well just take this [hands me pad] and go to the bathroom...

and the second...

Me: so, I my friend is telling me these things...about drugs and what she does with boys, she is having sex and doing drugs...
Mom: she is probably lying, just forget about it...

wow....those sound even lamer typed out than I already know they are...funnily enough these two conversations happened in the summer before 7th grade and in 7th grade...i was having enough crap going on in my life and my mom just didn't seem to care...she was embarrassed about the period talk and didn't want to believe that a 7th grader could be having sex or into hardcore drugs...(that friend was addicted to crystal meth by the end of 8th grade)

It is no wonder I do not trust her to talk to about this sort of stuff...if i ever have kids (with a husband, adopted or sperm donation) I want my kids to be able to talk to me...i will not shut them down because I am embarrassed...I will not let them believe that they have anything to be embarrassed about...

ok well i really need to get going on my homework...i have a ton of paper due in the next week...

Emmy R.

Parallel?

2010-04-18T21:46:00.002-04:00

I feel like I know how those people feel who want to go back to their boyfriend or girlfriend after their girlfriend or boyfriend beats them. This is the story in several parts of my life.

One part is the part where I am friends with Amanda. She treated me like crap, told me she hated me, and yet I still care about her. Why do I still care about her? Amanda was in no way my boyfriend or girlfriend. She was a mere friend. Or at least someone I thought was my friend. She treated me like crap. She told me she hated me. She has given me no reason to care anymore. But yet I do still care. I wish that there was something I could do to make things better. But there just isn’t. Part of me wants to call her and say something to make everything better, do something, and beg her forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done. Another part of me just doesn’t care. At all. It wants to forget that our relationship ever happened. It wants to go on with my life and forget. These two parts of me are fighting and fighting. It is an internal fight, only erupting when I am most frustrated and begin to cry. Part of me wants to tell myself that this isn’t worth crying over. This relationship is not worth it. Another part misses what we had and feels sorrow for the loss. I know in my head that all she has caused me is pain in the recent past but for some reason all my heart remembers is the good memories. I go back and forth and back and forth and I have no one to talk to about it. I might talk to my sister, if only we could talk face to face. I might talk to my best friend, Laura, but she is all the way in Israel and again I cannot talk to her face to face. No one I really want to talk to, who is not involved in the direct situation is available to talk to. The only other option is to maybe go to the counseling center at school. The only problem is that I do not want to talk to some stranger right now. I want to talk to someone who kind of knows me, at least a little bit. Maybe I could talk to my RD from last year. I feel like he knows me a bit because he knows about my cutting. Maybe he can understand where my mind goes. I do not know. We will have to see.

Another part is me and cutting. I turn to it and it hurts me. I never end up better from my interactions with it. I have never had something completely positive come out of it. Yet I want it. I want to go back to it. I long to be held in its arms, to have its blade caress my arm. I long, I long, I long. But I know all it does it hurt me. In the end all I end up with is regret and shame and cuts that need caring for, and after that scars. This whole week I have been worrying about my scars. They show a brighter pink when I get cold and they keep being obvious. I am so freaked out that someone will see and it will lead to an awkward conversation that I am just not ready for. In general if the normal public see I do not care. I just care if my friends see, or someone else who I care what they think. I spent my dorm banquet in a sweater over my dress. I keep hiding my arms under sweatshirts.

But I need to go study. Perhaps I will write more another day.

oh and a little tidbit more...

2010-03-22T01:39:00.003-04:00

so there is this really great thing that I was reading the other day...it is a post on a website (http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/living.html) which talks about how to "come out" about self-harm...i have read it a few times already but I want to read it over again soon...but for now I am going to share the "coming out" part of it on here...i really like that part in particular...but there are others that are equally good....so anyone reading my blog can also read the post...i think it is definitely a good one....plus if you want to read more please go to the link...

Coming out
Admitting to the people in your life that you self-injure is analogous in many ways to the process of coming out as gay or bi. This list of things to consider when deciding to tell those you love about your way of coping with stress is adapted from a coming-out list in Bass and Kaufman 1996.
The assumption here is that you'll tell people about your SI in a conversation, but that's not the only way to come out. Some people have found that writing down everything they want to say and presenting it to someone has worked for them. If you choose this approach, follow the general guidelines below and be sure you remain available for discussion after the person has read what you've told them. If you want to come out to someone via email, I'd suggest you follow up immediately with a chat session or a telephone call.
Be willing to give the other person some time to digest, though -- if you follow up with them and they say "I'd like to think about this for a while," give them space. Ask them to let you know when they're ready to talk, and let it go.

Be sensitive to the other person's feelings
It can be nearly as hard for them to hear it as it is for you to tell them. Realize that they're probably wondering what they did wrong or how they could have prevented you from feeling so much pain or why you turned out "sick." You don't have to accept their value judgments about your SI, but be open to hearing what they have to say about it. You might learn something, and you can teach them a great deal.

Explain that coming out is an act of love
Let them know that your deciding to tell them about self-injury is a sign of your love for and trust in them. Usually, a person decides to tell someone about his/her SI because s/he loves them, wants or needs their loving support, and is tired of keeping a whole part of her/himself from them. The desire to be open and to trust outweighs the fear of rejection or hatred or disgust. Let the person you're telling about your self-harm know you're not trying to punish. manipulate, or guilt-trip them.

Pick a place that is private and a time that is unhurried
This is serious stuff. Find a time when everyone involved is available for a long conversation. Do it in a place where everyone's comfortable and there's no need to worry about being overheard. If you're rushed or hurried or afraid other people nearby will hear and react, you're not going to be able to give your full attention to the conversation and neither will anyone else.

Don't tell others in anger
Don't use your SI as a weapon: "Oh, yeah, well look, you made me cut/burn/scratch/hit!" To get the love and understanding you're seeking, you may have to give some in return. Whether or not the person you have decided to share your secret with has contributed to the problems that led to your SI is irrelevant to the coming-out conversation. If you start getting angry and blaming, you're going to put the other person on the defensive and they'll get angry. The whole process will bog down and be hideously unpleasant and unproductive. Using SI as a weapon also increases the likelihood that the person you're coming out to will react in exactly the ways you're hoping they won't.

Consider enlisting an ally
If you have a friend or therapist who understands your SI you might want to ask them to sit in on the conversation. A neutral third person can help keep things calm.

Provide as much information as you can
This is crucial.The more someone knows about something, the less they fear it. Many people have never heard of self-injury or have heard weird sensationalized tabloid reports. Be prepared to give the person books or names of books, articles, photocopies, printouts, addresses of web sites, etc. Gather as much information as you can so you can answer their questions accurately and honestly.

Be willing (and prepared) to answer their questions
You may have to educate them about SI. Encourage them to ask whatever questions they may have. If they ask a question you don't have an answer to,say "I don't know" or "I can't say" or even "I prefer not to get into that right now." Be as open as you can. You might want to anticipate questions they'll ask and get an idea of how you want to answer those before you come out. You can ask other people who've come out what they were asked to get some ideas.
You should also have a good idea in your mind of what you want to do about the self-injury -- they're going to ask. Do you want treatment? What sort? If not, what's the rationale for not treating it? Do you want them to help you stop or control it? How can they help? What's too intrusive and what isn't? Now is a good time to start setting boundaries.

It's not necessary to bring up the most disturbing topics in the first conversation
Don't start by describing in technicolor detail the time you needed 43 stitches and a transfusion. It's probably best to avoid graphic descriptions of what you do; if asked, just say "I cut myself on the wrist" or "I hit the walls until I get bruises" or whatever. Try not to freak them out; you can give details (if necessary) in some other conversation.

Trust your own judgment
Do what feels natural to you. You know yourself and your family and friends far better than I ever will.

Communicate
Be willing to talk to the people you're coming out to about your reactions, and ask them to let you know what they're thinking. Communication goes both ways.

so...what do i do when...

2010-03-21T21:46:00.002-04:00

earlier today I saw my sister's arms...she has 3 scars there which most people would probably not pick out, but because of my history with cutting I saw them right away...I right away considered the fact that they were just marks from how she slept...(you know how the creases in bedsheets can leave marks?)...or something like that...but later today I looked at her arms again, pretending to just be looking at her bracelets and messing around and turning her bracelets in circles on her arms and turning her arms to look at the bottom where I had seen the marks before...she jokingly pulled away and was like what are you doing? and I was like I am just messing with your bracelets...and we just laughed....

but now I do not really know if i should say anything about it or if i should just leave it alone...i mean i know that it would freak me out if someone were to just confront me about scars...i would like practically hyperventilate....so i am kind of in a weird place of thought on this...i mean if she is cutting I would want her to stop so that it doesn't get worse than it is now...but on the other hand maybe it was a one time thing, or she just needs to wait until her own time to figure that out...i feel like I should just remind her that I will always love her no matter what...nothing will stop that...and I would probably like to just tell her that I am always here to listen...that is probably what I will do...

and anyways, besides that, I have really been considering telling my RA about my struggle...it is just wierd though...like if i tell her she is going to have to tell our RD, who is pushing for me to be and RA alternate...how do i know if he will judge me? maybe he will think that because I struggle with this it means that I would not be a good RA...i really do not know...i flip back and forth between telling and not telling constantly...just like i flip back and forth between going back to counseling and not going back...i just do not know...

there are pros and cons to each side...some are obvious and others are not...

I guess one of the pros of telling people in general (not just my RA) is that I can be real with people...not just pretending that I am ok, even when I am not...

but going along with that...it would almost be like I had to go to people to get help when I was doing bad...like I didn't have the option to try to sit it through...and i would feel like if I did mess up it would be way worse and I would be a disappointment...and then if I told my RA about a mess-up she would have to tell my RD...and that makes things a bit screwy...and plus the "having to get help" thing would screw with my control issues...man...i am way more screwed up lately..maybe i should go back to counseling...i have had "out of control" things happen to me way too much lately...i feel like more than normal...luckily i have been able to deal with them...

****

oh i just remembered something that happened at my "talk" between my "friend" and me and RA...i mentioned something about how her flipping back and forth between liking me and not liking me screws with me and how our relationship is just not healthy and how that is just especially not good for me...and she was like well why is it so bad for you? and I was just like well that is something i do not feel comfortable telling you, especially if you are not interested in being friends....you could use it against me...and she was just like well whatever...i think she thought I was lying...when in fact that is the most honest I have been with anyone in a really really long time...

****

ok before I post this message I just want to go through a conversation thing, for anyone who hasn't been reading this blog since earlier on, this might seem a little weird, but this is something i like to do before i have a conversation, sometimes over and over and over, to decide if i will have a conversation......

Me: Hey Leah, can we talk?
Leah (RA): Sure what is up Em?
Me: If I tell you something, how much of it do you have to tell *RDs name*?
Leah: (Answers question)
Me: ok, well, ummm, I want to tell you something kind of personal, actually really personal, something that barely anyone knows about me...
Leah: ok...
Me: well do you remember when you had Amanda and I in here and we talked?
Leah: *nods*
Me: well i said something during that, something about how this sort of situation is really not good for me...and then amanda asked why and I said I did not feel comfortable talking to her about it...well that is what I wanted to talk about...
Leah: mmk...
Me: this isn't exactly something easy to talk about, but i feel like it is something I need to learn to talk about...
Leah: ok well you can tell me if you want...
Me: Leah, can you promise me that you will not judge me? will you still be my friend? can we not be weird around each other if I tell you this?
Leah: *nods*
Me: mmk... *looks down at hands, not at leah* well i struggle with cutting...when i get in a bad situation that is what i turn to...i mean not always, but I often get tempted to turn there, it sort of turned into an addiction after so long of using it to cope with some really hard stuff that has happened into my life....*still looking at hands and glances up, searching leah's face for some giveaway of what she is thinking...*
Leah: ..................................*****and i never know how they will react*****...................................

ok so sort of a sad note to leave this blog post on...but i want to get some stuff done before i go to bed since i have to get up in the morning to babysit (: I am excited to see some of my kids I babysat for in high school! I love all those kids!!!

just fyi...

2010-03-15T23:29:00.002-04:00

so....

I had a meeting with my RA and my "friend" Amanda. Amanda came our RA the other night and asked her about possibly moving out of the dorm because she is pissed off at me and because she is pissed off at some of our other friends. So she went to our RA to ask her about that and our RA decided that it would be a good idea to get me and Amanda to talk this thing out.

My RA called me this afternoon at around 4:30pm and told me that we were meeting at 6:30pm. The wording she used was "asking" me if i would come, but i did not feel like I had the ability to decline. I was freaking out in my last post about the situation because I was feeling completely out of control and just freaking out because I was just really feeling nervous and stressed and out of control. I think it was this added on to the whole frustration with Amanda and the fact that it is midterms week and I am helping organize the dorm banquet. My life is stressful and this lack of control just really freaked me out...i wanted to cut SO bad!!! but I sat here and wrote out my previous post and just really spit it all out. I then went to dinner and came back after I ate and went to my room and sat for a while. Then it was time to go to the meeting. I went over there and sat down in my RAs room. Eventually Amanda came and joined us. We all just sat there for a bit and it was all i could do to not dig my nails into my arms so i could bleed (thank goodness i just clipped my nails). Anyways, we sort of started talking and basically Amanda told me what I was doing wrong, which was that my personality sucked and she didn't like it, so I told her that she was complaining about my personality and she got all defensive. She then started talking about how she only tried to be friends with me for our mutual friend's sake and how she has basically not put any effort into our friendship for the whole school year because she just doesn't care. Meanwhile I stayed pretty much silent the whole time focusing all my effort on trying to stay in control (I was copying the pattern on the pillow that was in my lap with my finger, weird i know, but it helps...)...so then after a while Amanda basically just said that she isn't really interested in being friends anymore. So I was like ok then, and my RA told me I could leave and she was gonna talk to Amanda about the specifics of what she had to do to move out.

After that I started bawling on the way back to my room but my roommate was there so it was weird so I went down to the prayer room in the basement...and just lay there and bawled...and then I stopped crying and went back upstairs. I went about my evening as normal...but still having the lack of control bugging me in the back of my mind.

so basically I decided that I need to talk to my RA about that. but I feel like things are a bit awkward now between us. We are friends, but I just do not know what it will be like now...but I still think that it will be good to talk to her about it. Maybe even talk to her about the cutting...so she knows why....or something...i do not know...

ok I need to start getting ready for bed...

bye

Emmy R.

2010-03-15T16:57:00.003-04:00

I am not doing so hot right now...i just want to go cut and make things better...life sucks...

my friend hates me
she thinks i am wrong
I think she is wrong
she got mad at me for something stupid
and then she forgave me
and then she got mad again
and then we talked it out
and she forgave me
and now she hates me again
she has been ignoring me
except when we yell at each other
and now
she went to our RA
and now we are meeting tonight
to "talk about things"
i kept telling her before
that we needed to get a mediator and talk about it
she didn't want to
so last night i finally decided
i was done
but now she wants to talk
i hate this
i am freaking out a lot now
i want to make things better
the only way i know how
it helps....
right?
it helps.
it will make things better
my brain is lying to me
my arms ache for the blade
the blood creeping through my skin
coming out my veins
pooling
then
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
but i will not
i need to calm down
but i never let myself
learn another way
so i will sit her
hold my knees to my chest
and rock
and rock
and rock
rock until i can stand
to walk away from the blade
and deal with this shit

when i finally choose to give up
you decide you want to hold on
and then my arms forget
their desire to hold the blood inside
and my brain stops working
the way a 'normal' person's does

but, i made it through just now...
and i held on another day
i'm on day 25 (:

but on a more positive note I just need to get through this week until friday and then I fly home, and everything will just be better and I will not have to deal with this...

Emmy R.

another poem...

2010-03-07T22:47:00.002-05:00

3-4-2010

Just another little note
Reminding me of my failures
Not like I do not get smacked
In the face
By them every day
(The scars which line my arms)
Because they define me
My failures define me
I lie to myself
And tell myself that they do not
But they do
Each scar along my arm
Just another definition
That I have laid upon myself

*******
the note I am referring to in this post is a letter I got from my college that told me that I did not get into the RA position that I had applied for...
as of now I am in a much better mood as far as this goes...my RA told me that she already knows of someone who is probably going to drop out of their RA position so hopefully I will get to be an RA afterall...

btw. today is day 17, i wrote the poem thing on day 14...i am still going strong!

Emmy R.

2010-03-01T20:17:00.002-05:00

I hate
that I can not
cry when i want
i hate
that I cry
when I should not
I wish i had
some semblance of control
over my emotions
But unfortunately they control me
they control me
they beat me when I am down
they hit me when I cannot handle them
so I try to run from them
I try to hide them
I cut my skin
to push them away
to hide them beneath my skin
I wish i knew another way
to do this
but it has been 6 years
Six years
how can I relearn this thing after 6 years
how can i teach myself
to show my emotions
after so long
6 years, almost one third of my life
one third wasted
in bondage
to this thing called cutting
one third where I made choices
not to feel
I made choices
to hide
I made choices
to cut
I made choices
that have led to an addiction
which controls my life
it controls each step I take
for everything I involve myself in
i have to take into consideration
my weakness...

I am in a sucky place right now...i do not really trust myself right now...I am headed over to my RAs room to see if i can get a hug...and then off to my meeting tonight...

for now goodbye...

Emmy R.

2010-02-28T21:28:00.001-05:00

Coming out

2010-02-26T17:38:00.002-05:00

here is an article I found from: http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/injury.html

Admitting to the people in your life that you self-injure is analogous in many ways to the process of coming out as gay or bi. This list of things to consider when deciding to tell those you love about your way of coping with stress is adapted from a coming-out list in Bass and Kaufman 1996.
The assumption here is that you'll tell people about your SI in a conversation, but that's not the only way to come out. Some people have found that writing down everything they want to say and presenting it to someone has worked for them. If you choose this approach, follow the general guidelines below and be sure you remain available for discussion after the person has read what you've told them. If you want to come out to someone via email, I'd suggest you follow up immediately with a chat session or a telephone call.
Be willing to give the other person some time to digest, though -- if you follow up with them and they say "I'd like to think about this for a while," give them space. Ask them to let you know when they're ready to talk, and let it go.

Be sensitive to the other person's feelings
It can be nearly as hard for them to hear it as it is for you to tell them. Realize that they're probably wondering what they did wrong or how they could have prevented you from feeling so much pain or why you turned out "sick." You don't have to accept their value judgments about your SI, but be open to hearing what they have to say about it. You might learn something, and you can teach them a great deal.

Explain that coming out is an act of love
Let them know that your deciding to tell them about self-injury is a sign of your love for and trust in them. Usually, a person decides to tell someone about his/her SI because s/he loves them, wants or needs their loving support, and is tired of keeping a whole part of her/himself from them. The desire to be open and to trust outweighs the fear of rejection or hatred or disgust. Let the person you're telling about your self-harm know you're not trying to punish. manipulate, or guilt-trip them.

Pick a place that is private and a time that is unhurried
This is serious stuff. Find a time when everyone involved is available for a long conversation. Do it in a place where everyone's comfortable and there's no need to worry about being overheard. If you're rushed or hurried or afraid other people nearby will hear and react, you're not going to be able to give your full attention to the conversation and neither will anyone else.

Don't tell others in anger
Don't use your SI as a weapon: "Oh, yeah, well look, you made me cut/burn/scratch/hit!" To get the love and understanding you're seeking, you may have to give some in return. Whether or not the person you have decided to share your secret with has contributed to the problems that led to your SI is irrelevant to the coming-out conversation. If you start getting angry and blaming, you're going to put the other person on the defensive and they'll get angry. The whole process will bog down and be hideously unpleasant and unproductive. Using SI as a weapon also increases the likelihood that the person you're coming out to will react in exactly the ways you're hoping they won't.

Consider enlisting an ally
If you have a friend or therapist who understands your SI you might want to ask them to sit in on the conversation. A neutral third person can help keep things calm.

Provide as much information as you can
This is crucial.The more someone knows about something, the less they fear it. Many people have never heard of self-injury or have heard weird sensationalized tabloid reports. Be prepared to give the person books or names of books, articles, photocopies, printouts, addresses of web sites, etc. Gather as much information as you can so you can answer their questions accurately and honestly.

Be willing (and prepared) to answer their questions
You may have to educate them about SI. Encourage them to ask whatever questions they may have. If they ask a question you don't have an answer to,say "I don't know" or "I can't say" or even "I prefer not to get into that right now." Be as open as you can. You might want to anticipate questions they'll ask and get an idea of how you want to answer those before you come out. You can ask other people who've come out what they were asked to get some ideas.
You should also have a good idea in your mind of what you want to do about the self-injury -- they're going to ask. Do you want treatment? What sort? If not, what's the rationale for not treating it? Do you want them to help you stop or control it? How can they help? What's too intrusive and what isn't? Now is a good time to start setting boundaries.

It's not necessary to bring up the most disturbing topics in the first conversation
Don't start by describing in technicolor detail the time you needed 43 stitches and a transfusion. It's probably best to avoid graphic descriptions of what you do; if asked, just say "I cut myself on the wrist" or "I hit the walls until I get bruises" or whatever. Try not to freak them out; you can give details (if necessary) in some other conversation.

Trust your own judgment
Do what feels natural to you. You know yourself and your family and friends far better than I ever will.

Communicate
Be willing to talk to the people you're coming out to about your reactions, and ask them to let you know what they're thinking. Communication goes both ways.

Letting Go

2010-02-23T14:17:00.001-05:00

“To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about it, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride, and its not about how you appear, and it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind in confidence for the future. Letting go is learning, experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up. it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and let yourself free.”

secretsecretsecretsecretsecret

2010-02-21T00:41:00.003-05:00

I can only wish that someday I will have the courage to tell people my secret in any way except through this blog...i want people to know about me.

2010-02-12T10:01:00.002-05:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/

one of my all-time favorite quotes. (: plus pictures taken by an amazing photographer

2010-02-07T20:29:00.004-05:00

so...it has been a while since I really updated this thing...

the comings and going of my life are not too exciting...so that is probably why...
but i figure it is about time that I update again...

currently I am just about to start the second week of my spring semester at college...pretty boring...and way too much homework...which i should currently be doing instead of typing on this blog...which basically no one reads anyway...

but anyways. I was just wanting to update because my life has been a bit crazy...i have been back at college for over a month now and am enjoying being back with my friends but missing my family immensely! The first three weeks of school we had a winter term where we just take one class for 3 hours a day, that was fun but there was not much to do and my life was pretty boring...but now i am back to a normal schedule and it is taking some getting used to...

I have not been doing too well with the whole cutting thing...i have messed up twice since the beginning of February already (2 times in 7 days)...and a whole lot in January as well...but I think I am going to make an appointment back at the counseling center again soon...because maybe it will help...

I haven't written much in the way of poems since starting being back to college...but i just edited part of a poem onto pictures i have taken...

the words come from (http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-word-vomit.html)

and

so ya...basically they are the same exact thing...but just with different pictures...

oh yes...and another thing that happened lately...I just recently told a friend about my SI...we were talking and the subject somehow got on the terms of the counseling center at out college...we both were talking about it and that we have both gone...and then she mentioned about her ex boyfriend who had told her that he couldn't deal with her issues and that maybe she should just go to the counseling center...so after she mentioned that I asked her what it was that he had said that about and she told me that it was cutting...i then lifted my sleeve and showed her my scars...it was sort of freaky...and actually it just dawned on me...besides the counselors i have talked to, she is one of two people who i know in real life who know about my cutting...yikes...that sort of freaks me out...but at the same time it sort of is nice...and it has sort of encouraged me to talk to other people about it as well...but that really freaks me out...maybe if I go back to counseling I will talk about this there...

but for now i must say adieu...i need to get some reading done for class...and it is aready almost 1am...yikes...and i have to be at work at 8am...yuck!

Emmy R.

2010-02-07T20:02:00.001-05:00

PostSecret video * My thoughts * Update

2010-01-10T20:15:00.006-05:00

PostSecret video.

I just want to say that I LOVE PostSecret. I have mailed in several secrets but I have not seen any of them on the website or in two of the books I own

"I think everyone has a secret. And I like to imagine us keeping them in boxes kind of like this. [holds up box] And I think that everyday each one of us has a choice; to take that box, and bury it down deep inside of us and forget it like a coffin, or to find it and bring it out into the light, open it and share our secrets like gifts."

"The last thing i learned putting that book together is that all of us have a secret that would break your heart if you knew what it was."

"Free your secrets and become who you are."

******
My thoughts.

this video sent chills up my spine...I want to learn to free my secrets...but i am so, so scared. The only place I have shared them is on here and in a couple of secrets I have sent in to PostSecret. I have also told one person in my life, plus a few counselors...and of course there are the internet friends...but i wish i could tell more real-life people...

******
Update.

*big sigh* i just really really need a hug right now...i screwed up today...day 1 starts tomorrow...and i am not even able to write out or word vomit the thoughts going through my head...and that sucks...because then they just stay there and keep me down...i hate this...

Quote from "Purpose for the Pain" by Renee Yohe

2010-01-04T01:06:00.003-05:00

Mom & Dad 4/5/04 - Another Excert From The Book
I open my mouth and the words won't come out, they're buried somewhere inside me, a vast graveyard that lies unmarked and readily forgotten. I'd rather forget. You'd be better off behind that blindfold; I don't want you to see. I don't want to hurt you…I'm broken, and this flight parallels all we wish to leave behind…but it will catch us. I can't run fast enough and endurance is lacking. I'm void of the defiance required to fight this off, I'm so drained by the constant façade. Yet, I could never collapse into you, I could never stop. I wouldn't know how to end this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain, the disappointment, the lies, and the shame, for being the dirt under the rug. Sweep aside all the complications of my life so that it appears presentable. I know you never meant it like that. I never meant to be this way, but you don't even know it. It's a whole different world that lies undiscovered by you, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't think you'd understand, and I don't want your sympathy. I don't want to be the little child in your arms, I'd rather cry alone…and I don't know why. These tears are ungrateful, are they not selfish? Are they not wrong? What more is there, what's left? I don't want to do this, I just want to forget. To erase the blur that leads up to here, that's all it is after all. A dark blur that plagues my memory and my heart. I love you…and so I can't tell you, I won't tell you. I'm sorry.
"To tell or not to tell,
that. Is the question."

*sigh* my parents will NEVER know....................

more word vomit...

2010-01-03T21:58:00.002-05:00

More thoughts
Running through my mind
Just found out about
A girl who I know
Is going to go to a hospital
A psych hospital
For a 60-90 day stay
For drug abuse
And anorexia…
And from what I have heard
Cutting too…
It hits much too close to home
It scares me…
Really, really scares me

What if that is how
They would react to my truth?
Send me away
Send me away
Send me away
Far far away
Hide me away
As if they are ashamed
(Because I know they would be)
Ashamed of my secrets
My secrets
Would become their secrets
And thus the web of lies continues...

They could send me away
To a place where
They would no longer
Have to deal with me
So they could keep
My crazy contained
So they could pretend
Everything was ok
(I used to wonder
Where I got my ability
To pretend,
It is no secret now)

I just know they would send me away
I feel crazy
But yet I feel so sane

remembering....and word vomit...

2010-01-03T21:56:00.002-05:00

Driving down the highway
Nothing to do but follow
The car in front of me
Giving me time to think
Thoughts
Racing through my head
Leaving room for nothing else
Remembering times long past
Lies to people who care
People trying to help?
I went on my old xanga
At school
BIG mistake…
The tech guys saw it
Forwarded it to the counselor
She was worried about me
And she called me into her office
Asked me about it
At which point I lied
I told her I was pretending
That I heard about it and wanted
To talk to people who struggled
I knew people who did it
I read about it in a book
But, no, I was not doing it
She said she still had to call my parents
They freaked out
And overreacted
And I lied to them too
I lied and lied and lied
Now I am wondering
How my life would have been
Had I actually told the truth
And I’m feeling bad for the lies
Part of me is saying
That I should talk to the counselor
The other part of me says
That it is a crazy idea
They will put me away
In a padded room
With a straight jacket
But I hate myself for lying
And I want to make things right
I want to start telling the truth
And where better to start
Than where I lied before?

I joked with my friends
The other day
About how I might never tell
ANYONE
My deepest darkest secret
Maybe not ever
Maybe not even my future spouse
What scared me
Was that I meant it
I really truly meant it
My secret
Is so misunderstood
By SO many people in the world
That I do not want to be misunderstood
Except, how can they understand me
If they do not know my secret?
How can I understand myself
If I cannot admit my secret?

I hide behind happy smiles
Long sleeve shirts
And lies
I will NOT let them realize
The truth that hides behind my eyes…

postsecret

2009-12-14T22:35:00.005-05:00

Will my secret be a tale of heroism or fear?

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

texting conversation with my dad...

2009-12-12T00:14:00.003-05:00

From: Dad Cell to me
I just checked the weather reports for next week. "Some snow" for *City Name of where i attend college*. Sunny in *City Name of home*. If i remember right you came home last year with a nose ring. I hope there aren't any such surprises this year?

From: Me to Dad Cell
Nope. No new piercings. And that was summer. :-)

From: Dad Cell to me
Are you sure? Well my memory is not so good, and I am sure you would remember better than me...you were there...I just got the 7 days 3 exams facebook update. We are getting closer.

From: Me to Dad Cell
Yup. Closer and closer! And i got my nose pierced in february. so unless christmas break was after that...lol

From: Dad Cell to me
I guess I need to realize I'm gettin' older and forgetful. I just thought I heard someone say something about a guage. I guess my ears are going along with my memory.

From: Me to Dad Cell
Ya. Well that is not a new piercing...lol and they are really small...lol

From: Dad Cell to me
So, did you guage your ear(s)? I believe I asked if there were any surprises...

From: Me to Dad Cell
Lol...i didn't think that counted as a surprise...cause mom already saw them...

From: Dad Cell to me
I suppose if you are grown up enough to make bad decisions you are grown up enough to live with the consequences.

From: Me to Dad Cell
Well they shrink back up...i just have to leave them out for like a week...and i do not consider them a 'bad decision' there are much worse things i could be doing which i am not...

From: Dad Cell to me
You made a bad choice. I didn't want you to...and you did it anyway. So I'm done.

From: Me to Dad Cell
umm...ok...

From: Me to Dad Cell
Well all i have to say is that you should be happy that i am a good kid...so i get a piercing or gauge my ears...That is better than going out and doing drugs or drinking or smoking...

so i am pretty frustrated with my dad...he is overreacting to a stupid situation...i have no clue what he means by me being "old enough to deal with the consequences"...that freaks me out a bit...but he should be fine with letting me become my own person...that is what the point of growing up is all about...

I was really frustrated after the conversation with my dad but thanks to taking a nap and a kind and encouraging text from my new friend kara...i made it through...i am on day five...i haven't really been keeping my blog up to date lately but just so you know...i fell, but am working really hard to pull myself back together and continue fighting...

anyways...i do not feel like wasting any more key strokes on him right now...

on another note...my laptop is like falling apart...so frustrating...one of the hinges in the screen broke so half of the screen is falling off (well not literally falling off...but you get the idea...)...so i had to purchase parts to fix it online...plus my battery decided it doesn't want to charge anymore...so i bought new hinges, a screen bezel (plastic piece that goes around the LCD screen), and a new battery...it ran me around $70...yikes...but much better than I was told it would cost as far as prices go...plus IT will fix it for free after I buy the parts! yay!

ok off to bed now...i am going to breakfast tomorrow with some friends...

Emmy R.

Dating?????

2009-12-04T09:38:00.003-05:00

I wrote the poem below on 11/19/09...

I do not know
How to be a girlfriend
When to hug
How to act
What to expect
I'm sorry J*****
I suck at this
But I also do not have
Any experience
To draw from
I've watched others
Friends
Who I've seen their relationships
From the beginning
Sex, drugs, pregnancy
Emulating their choices
Could end horribly
I've seen movies
Relationships start accidentally
French kissing on the first date
In bed with each other
On the second
Utilizing that framework
Would not be a good idea
Other relationships I see
Married friends
Friends who have been dating longer
Do they even apply?
Suggestions come at me
From all sides
How fast to go
(you gotta keep his interest)
How slow to go
(do not be a slut)
...

ok so it is sort of an unfinished poem...

Here is what has been going on lately...

I am trying to decide if I want to be an RA next year...it would mean not graduating in three years, and graduating in 3.5 instead...which would still be ok...

Also in regards to the poem, I went on a date with a guy friend of mine. It was a good date, but he wanted to hang out right away the whole weekend. I hung out with him two nights that weekend, one for the date and the other because I went broom-balling with a group from his church. At broom-balling he and another guy friend were saying mean things about a friend of theirs who happens to be my friend's boyfriend...and they happen to be friends with my friend as well. Then I was told not to tell my friend about what they said. I am sort of frustrated by this situation. I am the type of person who always puts her friends first. I am not going to tell my friend about what happened because it would hurt her, but that is the only reason. This guy freaked me out by asking too much too soon. Hanging out all weekend after the first date???? YIKES!!! Also, his cousin introduced me as his girlfriend. After one date!!! I haven't really hung out with him since. I still like him but I am not sure that I want to date him until I get to know him a bit better...maybe we can just hang out a bit more together in a group and get to know each other better that way...idk...i just do not really know what to do...

I have to head to work, I will probably write more on this subject later...

Emmy R.

feeling urgy...

2009-11-16T23:39:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to make a post to my blog right now...I am feelings really urgy and i guess i figured that maybe posting here will help...i guess i want to write and not cut...

I guess this is sort of a stupid thing to cut over...but it is really stressing me out and making me feel out of control...idk...those are the feelings that I deal with by cutting...when i feel out of control like i do now i just want to find some sort of control...

right now my roommate is in my room watching a movie with two other girls...i told her earlier that i have a test tomorrow and needed to study but she still took over my room and is watching a movie...

also i am just in general getting fed up and stressed out and out of control of having people in my room constantly...

I feel like I am really behind in my classes too now because there are always people in my room...

On the weekends my roommate leaves and i get two days to refresh and gain my control back and then when she comes back I am just stressed out all over again...and she right away starts having a ton of people in my room...

anyways....i just saw a friend and got a hug and chatted with her...and i am feeling a bit better now...

now to study...

Emmy R.

Relapse...

2009-11-07T23:03:00.001-05:00

I just found this "PostSecret" on the PostSecret Blog. It really hit me...maybe I let my relapses define my future...

wow...

Gluttony...

2009-10-25T13:40:00.003-04:00

I went to church today with my friend Amanda...it was the first time i had been back to church since college started in the beginning of September...

The sermon was on gluttony. The pastor talked about how gluttony is really just making a god of our stomach (through eating, drinking alcohol etc.). Eating or drinking out of weakness and eating or drinking to numb ourselves. He also mentioned that it could be anything, not just what we eat or drink, it could be, for example, shopping.

He said that gluttony is finding refuge in something "predictable". And it becomes a "god that does our bidding" in a way. It is something we can control, which has a benefit for ourselves. We can turn to eating, drinking or shopping and we know the result we will get, a sense of relief and solace from whatever is going on. While on the other hand if we turn to God and his word for solace there is no way we can predict what will happen or if anything will happen.

In a sense the eating, drinking or shopping becomes an idol. The idol is so much more manageable than God is. We can control, or at least we believe we can control, the idol, whereas we cannot control God. But in the end we, instead of controlling our idol, wind up controlled by it, controlled by our appetite or instinct.

This sort of hit me. I don't know if I believe in God, I was raised so I would, but as of now I just don't know. Even though I don't know where I stand as far as believing in God, somehow the basic message of what the pastor said spoke to me.

I have something in my own life that could be considered gluttony. I don't eat too much, I don't drink, I don't go shopping to deal with the crap going on in my life. I have an idol, and idol which I like to believe I can control. My idol is predictable, it gives me the sweet feeling of relief, and it works the same every time. My idol comforts me, helps me to forget the things in my life which I don't know how to deal with. I believe I can control my idol, I want to believe it does not control me. In this I am starting to realize I am wrong. I went so long without my idol, my gluttonous pleasure, but I gave in again. I gave in because I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my cutting, my cutting controls me.

*********
ok, that was sort of a weird realization I had today...not that I never really thought about the control my cutting has over me, but it really hit me today...
*********
and I wanted to share an update about my counseling appointments and just basically my life right now...

I have been meeting with the counselor at my school every Monday for the past few weeks and this past Monday we decided to make it every other week. The meetings have been good. It is sort of funny though because the lady I meet with has a Bachelors and Masters in Social Work (my major at college) and then her PhD in Psychology. I can recognize the way she asks questions and some of the questions she asks and the general format of the sessions from a Social Work Class I am taking right now about "Interviewing for Solutions". Anyways, the meetings have been going well I think. I have messed up since we have started the counseling but I am scared to tell her, I am scared to tell anyone. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it and know they would not freak out, and know they would not judge me. It scares me to show people that weakness, to let them see the part of me I try so hard to hide. But along with it scaring me, i think it would really take a burden off of me. but, at the same time, I don't want to take the burden off of me because that means putting it on someone else...
*********

I also want to share some lyrics and a video with the song, i don't know what the video is of but i just wanted to share the song and I didn't know how else to do it...

Bittersweet by Plumb
I've been carrying this old luggage
and its really been buggin' me
so when you called to see me
I couldn't believe it
could it really be
You need to feel forgiveness
I need to feel resentment
Running down the drain
This bruising chain I've carried
Is the pain that I'm burying today

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

The clock is always ticking
Bitterness grows by the minute
why can't we realize
the wounds that we're inflicting
on our own flesh
it isn't healing
by keeping love inside

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet
Bittersweet

********
Emmy R.

2009-10-11T11:38:00.002-04:00

I had my iTunes set to shuffle on my computer and was just listening to random songs as they play...the song "Speechless" by Steven Curtis Chapman started playing...

"Words fall like drops of rain
My lips are like clouds
I say so many things
Trying to figure you out
But as mercy opens my eyes
My words are stolen away
With this breathtaking view of your grace

And I am speechless I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave
And I am speechless in your presence now
Im astounded as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless

So what kind of love could this be
That would trade heavens throne for a cross
And to think you still celebrate
Over finding just one who was lost
And to know you rejoice over us
The God of this whole universe
Its a story that's too great for words

Oh how great is the love
The father has lavished upon us
That we should be called
The sons and the daughters of god

We are speechless so amazed
We stand in awe of your grace
We stand in awe of your mercy
You have saved us
We stand in awe of your love
From the grave
We are speechless

We are speechless in your presence now
We stand in awe of your cross
Were astounded as we consider how
We stand in awe of your power
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless
We are speechless

I am speechless"

those are the lyrics...here is the song in a youtube video..

anyways...listening to this song made me miss when I used to feel speechless and in awe of God's presence...those days of my life were so much better...i miss them...

and now a song called "I miss you" just came on by Inhabited...which is more like missing a dead friend...but that is besides the point..

I don't really know what to write in here right now...i cut the other day...and I just don't know how I feel about that...part of me just doesn't care...the other part hates myself...

I don't plan on telling the counselor I have been talking to...i didn't even really have a reason why I cut...i guess someone insulted me...and I felt bad...but that is a sucky reason...whatever...

change of subject...I just set up a new aquarium because my fish from last year died at the beginning of this school year...after O.J. (my fish, O.J. is short of orange juice or orange julius) died I tried more goldfish in my old tank (a 1 gallon fishbowl, which is really too small for a goldfish) but now I have a 5.5 gallon tank with four female guppies in there. I have a filter, a bubbler, gravel, and 3 plants in there...and I spent way too much money...LOL...but i love having fish...

Here is what I spent aproximately...

$10 - 5.5 gallon aquarium
$10 - filter
$5 - air pump
$2 - air pump hose
$2 - 4 air stones (they came in a pack)
$5 - 3 plants
$5 - gravel
$1 - tank thermometer
$7 - 4 female guppies
$3 - water conditioner and stress coat
TOTAL: $50

keep in mind that these costs are approximate, some cost a bit more and others a bit less...but ya...

i am getting off now...i have stuff to do...

Emmy R.

2009-09-22T20:59:00.002-04:00

So I had my appointment today with a counselor at my school. I think that it was a productive meeting and I have another appointment not this next Monday but the Monday after that. At the start of the meeting I was really nervous and unsure what I would talk about. She came to the waiting room and called my name and I went with her to her office. She offered me a chair and I sat down and she sat across from me in her chair. She began by mentioning that she noticed that I had seen several different therapists and she said that I was probably pretty used to the whole therapy thing and she also asked if I had already been told about the confidentiality thing. I told her ya I was sort of used to it and that I had heard the confidentiality thing. She then asked me what had brought me to her office today. I was sort of uncomfortable and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Then I finally just said that I came because I struggle with self-harm and I had had a close call the other day with it but made it through and I did not do anything. She proceeded to ask me questions about my self-harm and even asked me some specific questions about my self-harm. It was really weird because I have never had anyone do that before. She asked me where I cut and with what and how deep it usually was. It was weird to have her asking me about a thing like that but it was also very nice to talk about it. After that she mentioned that previous to my appointment she did not know about me having had other appointments or she would have read what they wrote. She said she is going to read it before our next appointment. After she said that she began to ask me more questions about my reason for coming in. She had me explain why I was feeling the urges and what events sort of lead up to it. It was good to talk that over. Basically what I told her was that I had been stressed out because of being on dorm leadership and starting classes and that an argument with my friend pushed me over the edge. Then I told her how I knew I couldn't go back to my room and how I wanted to talk to my last year RA and she wasn't there and then I went on a walk until I felt ok. Later on after some more discussion she asked me about the story again. I mentioned the stress and the argument and how it made me want to cut. She asked me what happened next. I was like...uh...i didn't cut. She was like you are right, you didn't. That is the most important part of the story. The story doesn't end at the urge. It ends at how you deal with the urge. She mentioned that a few more times throughout the rest of our chat. Near the end she mentioned that the important part of my urge the night before was that I fought against it, even though I knew of a way I could get faster relief, I struggled through the hard stuff and made it through. I told her that it was really hard to look at it from that perspective because I always felt bad for even getting to that point, like i should have known and done something about it before i got to that point. She said that I still made a huge accomplishment...

Anyways, so the appointment went well, and I have another one two mondays from now. She said we will work on stress management techniques. I think that will be helpful. I also wanted to talk with her about possibly having a support group....but we'll see...

I would like to talk to my RA from last year about what was going through my mind. It is sort of hard to find a time to talk to her. She is busy with her new floor and we barely get a chance to talk. I would really like to talk to her about my cutting, and also about the possibly about talking to the person who she mentioned also struggles with cutting.

ok that's it for now...

Emmy R.

close call...

2009-09-22T01:29:00.005-04:00

I had a very close call just a couple of nights ago. I made it through though. I have been really stressed lately and I guess I just needed one more crappy thing to push me over the edge. My stress is with being on the leadership team in my dorm and with getting used to classes again. On Saturday night I went out with friends and we got burgers. One of my friends was in a bad mood and was basically being rude to everyone. I was trying to cheer her up or at least make her smile by being my usual random self. Nothing I was doing was working though and later we went back to the dorms and watched the movie Juno in my friends (the crabby) room. She was going on and on about how much the songs in the movie suck and how they are not in tune or some crap like that and I mentioned that I like them and then I wanted to play one of the songs (which plays in the credits) for another of our friends so I brought my laptop over and started the song. My crabby friend just went apeshit at me and got really mad because she didn't want to hear the song. I went out in the hall and finished playing it for our friend. Then I put my computer away and came back and started writing on her door (our doors are dry-erase boards) the lyrics to one of the songs. She saw me doing it and asked our friend was I was doing and he said and then she went apeshit again and told me that i had to erase it. I left without doing so because I don't like being bossed around and then I went back to her room because I was really frustrated by her yelling at me and told her that just because she was in a bad mood was no reason to treat other people like crap. I was in tears at that point (remember i was already stressed, plus PMSing, so therefore very emotional) and I went back to my room and laid down on my couch and was crying. I really wanted to cut so I left the room and my cutting materials behind and went for a walk. I walked up to my, last year RA, and current friend's room because I just really needed a hug and she knows about my struggle with self-harm. She wasn't there so I left and just walked around campus crying and barely keeping it together. I got to a large grassy area at the center of campus (called commons lawn) and sat down in the middle. I held my knees to my chest and just cried. I really wanted to cut or do something to express what I was feeling but I sat there and then laid down and soon enough I calmed down, then I went back to my room and chilled.

This evening I went to say hi to my last year RA. I came to her room and we chilled for a while and she asked me some questions about how things were going. She asked me how I was doing with "the things we talked about last year" (aka my self-harm). I told her that I was doing ok right now but had had a close call recently. I then told her that I had not "done anything" though. She proceeded to tell me that it was ok, but even if I had done something it would have been ok. I don't really know how I feel about what she said. On one hand it feel it is weird because all I have ever really heard is that "cutting is bad you should not do it" and the concept of her being ok with it is weird. On the other hand I think it is nice that she said that because I know that she will be there for me even if I do start cutting again...

One last thing to add to this post. The last close call really scared me and now I have an appointment tomorrow at my college's counseling center. I am really nervous about going again because it will be a new person because the person I talked to last year was an intern and is working in a different place this year. I don't really know what I want to talk about. I sort of want to talk about starting a support group for self-harm, but I sort of want to talk over what happened the other night...

ok that's it for now...i need to work on homework and then go to bed...

Emmy R.

STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-09-16T15:11:00.004-04:00

So things have been a little crazy. I am getting stressed out with my position as the AC secretary. I just am constantly feeling out of control and stressed. These are two things that usually really trigger my need to SI. I am being driven nuts and am constantly on edge. I came really really close to cutting yesterday and several other times over the past week or so.

Part of me is saying that I should make an appointment at my college's counseling center. The other part of me says I should not because I am strong enough to beat this on my own and I don't want to let them control it. GAH!!! I just don't know what to do. Last night I went to my RA from last years room hoping that we could chat. It didn't end up working out because there was someone else in the room and also because she had to go to an event in her dorm. I left and was feeling really stressed out, almost more so than before, and I walked around for a bit and then headed back to my dorm room, still stressed. This is driving me nuts!

I think I might make and appointment with a college counselor, but it will be weird. The person I talked to last year at the end of the year is not there anymore because she was just an intern. I would have to get to know someone new all over again. I suppose it would be good to at least go in and talk to them about possibly starting a support group...but now I don't know if that is a good idea.

My old RA, Lauren, had told me at the end of this past school year that she knew another person who struggled with cutting and she would talk to them if I wanted to see if we could become some sort of accountability partners or something. At the end of the summmer I e-mailed her and told her that I thought it would be nice to talk about cutting with someone who really knew what I was talking about. She told me she would try to get in contact with the person she was talking about and she also mentioned that it would be nice to talk about the whole thing in person as well. We still haven't gotten a chance to do that.

I just don't really know what to do and I am stressed, conflicted and feeling very out of control. All of these are things that are my triggers for self-harm.....................................but, at least for right now, I will be ok...

Emmy R.

Labor Day Weekend, Skillet-Awake, Poem

2009-09-07T23:01:00.003-04:00

It has been a really long time since I last updated this blog. I have been at college for just over a week now and was gone to the northern part of the state this weekend to go camping with some friends and one of their family. I have really enjoyed spending time back at college. It has been great to reconnect with old friends and just spend time with them.

Anyways this weekend i went camping with my friends Jon, Jordan and Amanda and also Jordan's family. It was fun to spend some time outdoors and to just hang with my friends. It was a bit crazy. The first night, friday night, i spent at Jordan's house along with Amanda and Jon. For some reason on the drive to his house I was feeling really down. I was feeling really stressed too and just altogether not doing great. I really wanted to cut but I made it through the evening. The next morning we headed to the campground. When we got there we just hung out and went down the the lake (the campground was on a lake) where we took some pictures and just chilled. I also spent some time with Jordan's little sister who is adopted and she is just adorable and we became fast friends. That night we went to sleep (Jon, Jordan, Amanda and I in the same tent) and none of us slept very well because it was REALLY cold. Anyways the next morning we got up and Jon, Jordan and I went Canoeing with Jordan's family. Jordan's dad and a couple other relatives got really drunk which was highly amusing but also very weird since I have never been around that sort of thing before. Anyways the guys and i were all in the same canoe. It was really fun and we had a great time. After getting back from canoeing we had dinner and sat around the fire. **side note** Previous to going camping Amanda had told me and I had witnessed the very homophobic ways of Jon and Jordan which I am not very happy about. **end side note** A conversation somehow got started about homosexuality and I started to realize that Jordan's dad is even more homophobic than Jordan is. It was really wierd because since he was still drunk he also didn't really care what he was saying and was very blatant about his feelings. I was trying to talk in a civil matter about some of the things I have learned this past year and I would like to think that some of what I said made sense in his drunken homophobic mind but I doubt it. Anyways this conversation really got me thinking about my values and what sort of values I would like to see in a potential mate. **side note** i have had a crush on Jordan and Jon and varying different times throughout the past year and recently found out that one of them likes me back **end side note** During the "discussion" I was feeling a bit put down by so many of the others who did not agree with me and I almost felt ashamed. I was thinking about this (the discussion and the potential mate thing) on the car ride home and I wrote this down.

"I've spent too much of my life trying to be someone I'm not. Too much of my life caring about what other thingk about me. Too much of my life being walked on. I will not be another female who is afraid to stand up for herself. I will be strong and learn what I believe. I will voice my opinions even when other don't agree. -Emmy R. 9/6/09"

It was really freeing to think about that and actually be able to voice it through writing it down.

During the car ride we were listening to the new Skillet CD Awake (which is an absolutely amazing CD by the way) and some of the lyrics were really hitting me.

Skillet - Monster
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged, but I can’t control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it
It’s scratching at the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
I hide under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this? Make it end

Skillet - Sometimes
Sometimes I don't wanna be better
Sometimes I can't be
put back together
Sometimes I find it hard to believe
there's someone else who could be
Just as messed up as me

Those lyrics really hit me for some reason. I like them. The whole CD is amazing. Sometimes when you listen to a CD a certain song jumps out and the others are just ok...well this is not one of those CDs. I really liked all the songs all the way through.

During another part of the car ride I was just reflecting on what a hard time I had with not cutting the other day. I am sad that I still am struggling with it. I wrote this short little poem while I was processing that.

"I have scars that you can't see
scars that don't touch
the surface of my skin
scars taht are there
most through no fault of my own
I have scars that you can see
small almost invisible scars
lining the skin of my wrist
the scars you can't see
are the ones that hurt the most
when they were made
it may not make sense
but the scars that bled
and cover my wrist
healed the fastest
and hurt the least
some on the inside
are very old
and still have yet to heal"

I don't really like the end to this poem but nothing good was/is coming to mind, so this is all you get (:

I start classes tomorrow and I am sort of excited and sort of nervous. Also I plan to go to the counseling center and make an appointment to talk with someone soon. The other night was just way too close a call. Also I want to talk to them about possibly making a support group. Hopefully this will all work out.

Emmy R.

Quote by Jamie Tworkowski

2009-08-29T02:12:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to share a quote I found which was said or written by Jamie Tworkowski. Jamie is the founder (or at least one of the founders) of the organization To Write Love On Her Arms or TWLOHA for short. If you would like to hear more about the organization check out this website (http://www.twloha.com/)

"If you struggle with self-injury, you are not "a cutter".
You are a person.
You are not only your pain.
You are not only wounds and scars.
You are also better things.
You are possibility and promise,
hope and healing,
daydreams,
favorite books and favorite songs.
You are the people that you love
and the people who love you.
You are hope and change and things worth fighting for.
This is all your story
and your story isn't over.

Peace to you tonight.
jamie"

ok this is all for tonight. I just wanted to share that beautiful quote.

Emmy R.

College, visiting Paige's grave

2009-08-28T12:57:00.003-04:00

Wow...this summer has flown by! I am already heading back to college tomorrow. I can't believe that it is already time for my sophomore year! I think this year is going to be amazing! I am sooo excited about it!

I want to share a bit about what I am going to do today since i leave tomorrow. I am going to lunch with my mom and then going to drive out to where my friend Paige it burried. I have been meaning to drive out there all summer. I told my mom last night what my plans were for today and she seemed like she thought it was wierd. She said that she doesn't go to people's graves because she doesn't believe that they are there anymore. only their bodies are there and so she doesn't feel any comfort by going. I guess I sort of agree but I am comforted by going there. I think it is nice to be there by her grave and i guess talk to myself as if i am talking to her. Writing is also a big thing in my life and I find it nice to sit there and write. when I have gone in the past I have written a letter to her. I think it is amazing and comforting.

ok well this is all i have for now...perhaps more tonight...or once I get to College...

Emmy R.

addicts behavior.

2009-08-21T02:06:00.001-04:00

addicts behavior., originally uploaded by Pernicious Girl.

wow I just found this picture...amazing...

I do this too...I have so many band-aids in the first aid kit at my college...but I didn't bring them home...it scares me not to have them. I was at a drug store today and almost bought some more to keep with me. I didn't though. but I still have my razors just across the room...i can't get rid of those...

Emmy R.

Me and Maddi

2009-08-20T23:55:00.003-04:00

Today I got to hang out with an amazing person and friend. Her name is Madison (aka Maddi) and she is the little sister of my friend Paige who passed away from cancer on November 6, 2006.

I don't know if she will ever understand how amazing she is and what a great person she is and just what sort of impact she has made on my life. Today was a great example of just how great she is.

I drove out to her house to pick her up (she lives about a half hour drive away) and when I got there her mom answered the door along with Maddi. I came in and sat on the couch with them and we talked about school and future plans for a while. I just love to be around Sherry and Maddi, they are amazing people and being around them just makes me so happy. But also being around them makes me remember and miss Paige. Today as we were sitting there and talking Sherry broke down and was crying because she says that I remind her so much of Paige when I am around. I reached over and hugged her and she told me that she is so happy that I come by and hang out with them both. I sat there and hugged her and she apologized for being emotional and I told her there was no need to apologize. We sat and chatted for a little while more and then Maddi and I left to go hang out just the two of us.

We got to starbucks and after we got our drinks we sat down in two very comfortable chairs. Then we just started to chat. We talked about the cruise she is going on with her dad which she is leaving for soon, how she is looking forward to next year and the stuff she is doing over the summer with her friends. It was really great just to sit and chat with her. I love doing that but I wish I got to do it more often than I do. At one point we started talking about Paige. We both miss her a lot and it is really nice for us to be able to remember her together and talk about her with someone else who knew her. One thing that Maddi mentioned really was amazing for me. She talked about how there is this inner struggle with remembering Paige. As time goes on since her death (it will be three years this november) we start to forget things about her. In some ways this is nice because she is not constantly on our minds and we can get other things done and just sort of move on but in other ways it is really hard because we feel bad for forgetting, we feel as though we are horrible that we are forgetting someone that was such a pivotal person in our lives. I think this is something I was really struggling with back in the end of last winter when I started self-harming again. Another thing we discussed was how wierd it is to have someone be such a huge part of our lives and then become a huge part of who we are and then go somewhere else where people don't know about that part of us. When I started at College I started a whole new part of my life. One where people didn't know who I was and what sort of things I had been through. It is nice because people don't define you by certain parts of your life. But it is hard for the same reason, people don't understand that part of my life and it is a huge part of who I am. How can I have honest friendships when people don't know about that part of my life, that part of who I am.

I am both more confused and less confused after hanging out with Maddi today. I am able to understand things in more detail but I am still at a loss for how to fix or share to help others understand.

I think I am going to try to join the grief support group next year at school. I also have a new-found desire to start a support group for people struggling with self-harm. I think I might want to make it even broader though. I want to make it include struggle with more than just cutting, perhaps expand it to include people struggling with any mental illness. I don't know how this sort of thing will get started but we'll see how it goes next year.

Emmy R.

PS I leave for college on the 29th already! Yikes!

losing weight

2009-08-16T11:49:00.003-04:00

I have made a decision that I am going to lose weight while i am gone next year at college. I don't really want this blog to turn into like a food diary or anything, and I also don't want to start keeping a food diary because I don't want to get into the dangerous territory of an eating disorder. I have heard that people who have eating disorders are often likely to also develop issues with self-harm. I guess in many cases they are both for the same reason. Something the person can control. I am worried that the same thing could happen but the opposite way. Since I struggle with self-harm I might be susceptible to an eating disorder.

Currently I only have my class schedule but once I get my work schedule I will combine the two and look at the work-out room's hours. Then I will decide on a time to work out. I want to work out for an hour/day at least 3 times during the weekdays plus on Saturday, if not more than that. I want to make it a regular thing that I do not skip unless I have a huge test or something. I am also going to be having a PE class next year. I am taking a modern dance class, so hopefully that will help me work out a little bit more as well. When I go work out on my own I want to do either running or some sort of aerobic exercise (like on the elliptical) for about half an hour. Then I want to do something like lifting weights for another half hour or so. Hopefully this will help me lose some weight. I am currently considered "overweight" for my age and height. I want to cut down on the weight, but also gain some muscle so, since muscle weighs more than fat, even if I don't really lose a ton of actual "weight" I at least want to look slimmer.

I just used a "Better Ideal Weight Body Calculations" calculator thing to calculate what weight I should be. Since I am about 5'4", currently weigh around 160 lbs, am in the Adult age group and am female. According to the "People's Choice Ideal Weight" I should weight around 131 lbs, the "Medical Recommendation" is 111 - 146 lbs. So there you go, you see my goal right here. We'll see what happens.

Also I wanted to say that my choice to begin dieting when I get to College is only because I want to make sure I am talking to someone like one of the counselors at school so that I don't get dragged down by an eating disorder.

Emmy R.

miniscule poem...or not...

2009-08-06T03:01:00.002-04:00

feeling numb
sitting in my room all day
doing nothing
accomplishing nothing
except laziness

that is all i have for today...i though i felt like writing a poem...but nothing is coming...oh well...

Emmy R.

poems i found in my room...

2009-08-06T02:44:00.003-04:00

so i found two poems i wrote in my room while working on cleaning it up.
the first poem if from 1/18/08

Pieces of my life they surround me
each new thing a memory...
poems
written in my darkest times
wedding invitations
of people i love
running bibs**
from races long past
pictures
of possums, artwork, junior high graduation and meets
pamphlets
the the speakers from religions handed out
notes
from friends passed in class when the teacher isn't looking
a card
signed by all the girls on the -CC> team
Lyrics
to my favorite songs
Ticket stubs from movies

**in case you don't know a running bib is the little plastic things runners wear on their shirts during a race with a number on it**

this poem seems like it is unfinished to me...i don't think i meant to end it there...I probably wrote this while begining to clean my room to pack for college and just going through stuff...realizing all that was behind me and all that was in the future...i guess that is sort of how i feel now as well...I am again going through all my stuff in my room and getting rid of a ton of stuff...and seeing all the things I want to save and the memories they hold, both good and bad...

The other poem is a bit older and it seems that i was dealing with a bunch of drama surrounding a new friend group i was hanging out with...anyways...here it is...it's from 4-22-07...

I cried myself to sleep again
Thinking about the way
Things would have been
If God had cared
And let her live
I would still have
My best friend
I wouldn't have to deal
With the drama
My new 'friends' create
I'd have at least
One person
My age
Who i could trust
Who i could be real with

and then there is some large writing on the bottom that says "Skin Deep" I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that but I know there is a song by Natalie Grant that it titled that...

ok I think i am going to write another post with a poem if i can get one together...and if you have just stumbled on this blog please don't judge my poetry by these poems...they suck...but one was written a year ago and never finished and the other was written two years ago...and i am better now...these definately do not showcase any of my talent...

Emmy R.

cleaning out my room...

2009-08-05T16:49:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to put up a new post thing...i started cleaning out my room the other day and rearranging it...it is funny some of the things I have found laying around...

notes passed to and from one of my friends in high school talking about all of the people she was falling in love with and having sex with (a new one pretty much every week)

old yearbooks and the things people wrote in them...with less and less signatures each year of highschool as i became less and less interested in friends and such...

a "slam book" that wasn't really a slam book at all but a little folder thing that I made at a sleepover with friends back when I was like 13. what it was was people signed in at the beginning and on each additional page they had to answer a question written at the top...LOL...it was hilarious to read it now...answers about crushed etc...(:

a bunch of old poems which i haven't even seen for forever...i have them and still need to read them...but hopefully i will post them on here soon...

and so much more...

ok i need to get off now because i need to go take a shower and change out of my pjs so i can go out and have an early dinner with some relatives that are flying into town today...

Emmy R.

...

2009-08-01T18:50:00.002-04:00

I started out this morning getting up early and heading to Babysit. On the way I was feeling really anxious...it was really bad...worse than I have ever had...thank goodness my razors were miles away stashed in a drawer in my room...or i just know i would have slashed myself up really badly...but changing the subject because i really don't want to be thinking about that right now...so I don't end up deciding to go cut myself...i just got home a bit ago from babysitting...after babysitting I stopped by the store and got some stretcher things for my ears. I have two sizes and I am SO excited to put them in...but i am going to wait till I get to college...so my mom can just freak then...LOL...the smaller pair i got are black and white in like the shape of a pie...idk if that makes any sense...but it's like the colors are slivers of pie...and the bigger size is clear with white swirled through it...and I think i might actually go get the next size up as well...I looked it up online and you are supposed to wait like 1-3 months inbetween each time you go up a size...and after 8 guage you have to wait 3-5 months...

below is a poem i wrote last night...

I just don’t really care anymore

I feel like giving up

I just don’t feel

Like fighting anymore.

My cries

Seem to only reach

My own ears

They fall to the floor

Before they can reach another’s

My razor beckons to me

“I’m only in your drawer

A few feet away

Across the room”

I know she is there

My temptation

Whispering in my ear

Calling me to her side

Telling me

She will make it better

Part of me believes her

Another part sees through her lies

But yet that part wants to believe her

It yearns for an easy way out

A temporary relief

From this crazy thing I call life

Emmy R.

Flickr Picture...

2009-08-01T03:19:00.002-04:00

181 - And a scar away from falling apart., originally uploaded by whatmegsaid.

This picture is titled "And a scar away from falling apart." That caught my eye. I know that this photographer is a fellow person who struggles with self-harm. She used that quote from a Fall Out Boy song "I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart, apart."

I guess this is sort of how I am currently feeling...so close to making it, and so close to falling apart...perhaps I will take a picture soon with this in mind...of course I will be putting it so only those who are my friends on there can see it...well at least if it is SI themed at all...i just recently told my friends and family about my flickr account (http://www.flickr.com/photos/emmyr/) and now my mom has looked at the pictures...so no pictures about that sort of thing ...LOL

Emmy R.

randomrandomrandom

2009-08-01T01:36:00.003-04:00

So today I went shopping with my sister. I got myself a nice new purse, a few shirts and a couple CDs. I spent way too much money...but hey...i didn't spend more than I have...and i'm babysitting again tomorrow so i'll make some more money...

While out shopping I saw some piercing stretcher things...I think i am going to stretch my ears (: ...also for some reason...i now have the crazy urge to get another piercing specifically to get my lip pierced. it would be on the bottom lip on the opposite side of my face as the nose piercing (nose is on my right so the lip would be on the right) my mom would probably flip though...but i am of age...so technically she doesn't have a say in it. My mom wasn't really happy about my nose piercing but it has kind of grown on her i think (: but i definitely am going to stretch my ears...i'm going to go get the tapers tomorrow after i am done babysitting...i'll probably get the next two sizes so i can change them when i am at school...actually i will probably will wait till i am gone to start stretching them...again...my mom would probably not be happy...

life has been pretty boring for me lately...very low stress levels lately which is nice...but still a little bit os struggle with the cutting...i am not really sure why but i have been wanting to cut...just at random times....having nothing to do with my triggers...*sigh*...sometimes i just want to cut for the heck of it...and i want to cut deep enough to leave a really visible scar...it seems to have been so long since i last cut...i keep thinking of new places to cut too...ones that won't show in a bathing suit...ugh...i can't believe i am thinking like this...

In the past I have cut mainly on my left forearm...the easiest place for me to cut...in between high school and junior high i gained a ton of weight (which my mom made me very self-conscious about by bringing me to a bunch of doctors and stuff because she though something was wring with me...)...and i wore a jacket pretty much year round starting my first year of high school until about my third year (since i was so self-conscious)...the jacket made it really easy to hide the cutting...but since then i have begun not wearing a jacket all the time and have become more comfortable in my own body which makes hiding cuts harder...i grew up in an area where it is sunny all the time pretty much...and college is where it snows during the winter...so i have to wear warmer clothes...which makes it easier to cut...but even though I could have easily continued cutting in the same spot last year I began cutting in other places as well when I began to cut again for a while. I started to cut on my stomach and breast. I don't really know where I am going with this one...and i just realized how random this blog is...so on to my next random topic...LOL

I am currently looking at my college's counseling center website...for some reason it helps me feel calmer to look at this...i guess to know that there is help available should I choose to accept it...which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about. I am not sure if I want to go back to the counseling center next year...at first I was thinking that I should for sure go...but i just am not sure...i mean the lady i talked to will not be there next year...but whoever I talk to next will still be able to read her notes I think...i mean the guy i talked to in the beginning of the year and told about my cutting (possibly the most awkward time in my life) took notes and it seemed like the lady I talked to had read those notes...i mean she definitely knew about my cutting before I mentioned it...i mean she always asked me if i wanted to talk about anything else after I was talking about paige...come to think of it i am pretty sure that I told her she could read his notes...

ok...i am stopping here...i am, for some reason, getting more stressed and anxious out by typing here and looking at the counseling website...

Emmy R.

2009-07-25T22:33:00.002-04:00

So i remembered what I wanted to post about last night. I wanted to talk about my favorite TV show...which I may have mentioned before. The TV show is called Degrassi: The Next Generation. I believe it originally started back in the 80's as an after school show to inform (or help them understand, i guess) junior high students about different issues. Not like worldwide issues like war and stuff but other issues like anorexia, abuse, pregnancy and so much more. The show that started was Degrassi Junior High which went for two years and then came Degrassi High which ran for two years. Now the show that is currently airing is called Degrassi: the Next Generation. It is currently finishing out it's 8th season in the US. (the 8th season is done in Canada where it airs originally and is recorded). Degrassi is essentially the same as it was in the past only it deals with some of the same issues and also some new ones that weren't as common back in the 80s.

One newer issue it talks about is Cutting. One of the characters, Ellie Nash played by Stacey Farber, begins cutting herself to deal with the stress of caring for her alcoholic mom and her dad being away and still keeping up with schoolwork. This episode is one of my favorites. I think it does a fairly good job of helping people understand about cutting a little better. But the reason I wanted to write about this is because I was watching this episode, Whisper to a Scream from season 3, with my sisters. It was really weird having my sisters behind me watching Ellie cut herself when I am also a cutter...

I first saw this episode of Degrassi a few months after I started cutting...it really caught me off guard and gave me a name for what I was doing. It kind of helped me to understand what was going on.

ok...so that is all for now...off to watch the 3rd Harry Potter Movie with my brothers....

Emmy R.

some poems...

2009-07-25T01:37:00.002-04:00

I've got a few poems that i've written over vacation or just before that I don't think that I ever got a chance to post on here. I think i will post them all in one blog...so this is going to be one LONG post!

Here comes the first...

Thoughts,
Questions
Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
Considering
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Counseling?
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
Insignificant
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
“Issues”
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?

Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…

Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)

Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…

I wrote the following series of poems (or word vomit) somewhere around the 19th of this month...i don't know when exactly...

Nightmare:
I lay down on my bed
At night
Close my eyes
Drift off to sleep
But what meets me there
Behind my eyelids
In the dark recesses
Of my mind
Is not the sleep
I longed for
Or pictured as
I lay down
The sleep I get
Is riddled with
Horrifying
Pictures
Scenes
Stories
Scaring me
Eventually I wake
Beads of sweat cover my body
The pictures staying in my mind
I try to close my eyes again
To drift back off into the
Loving arms
Of sleep
To rest myself
With a dreamless slumber
Where I never see a thing
But what I want
I do not get
And the terrors
Reappear…

My nightmare:
I hope that
No one ever finds out
Unless I tell them first
I hope that no one sees
The truth behind my eyes
Until I choose
To let them know
Who I really am
It’s hard to tell them
Because I don’t want them
To judge
To look at me
And call me a freak
Because, to tell the truth,
No one but a freak
Would do what I do
So that is what I am
But part of me does not believe
That it is what I am
Part of me
Tells myself
That I am only trying to deal
That perhaps I am
Not a freak at all
Only a person trying
Her best
To survive in this world
But still I fear
Their judgments
I fear them
So much
That I don’t even face
The truth
In myself……………………………

and now for the last one...i have to type this one out because I wrote it on paper...

woops just realized that I have already posted that one...(: it's pretty good though...so here is a link...(http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2009/05/poemwarning-could-be-triggering.html) but WARNING: it could be triggering...

ok...while looking to type that last one up i found another...

Addicted
(I know I am)
(But I want to believe I'm not)
My neck slightly twitches
My body begins to shake
Informing me of my need
I don't want to do it
My muscles tense
I believe
Truly believe, that i need it
I could stop if i wanted to
It's not a need
It's a want
I lie to myself
The relief it brings

Tells me it will be OK

The sharp pain

Tells me i can feel

The blood

Tells me I'm alive

Then the relief fades away
and i am left alone
with the pain and the blood
and something else
guilt
i shouldn't have done it
how could i give in?
I am weak
weak
weak
weak
and something else too...

Addicted
(I know I am)
(But I want to believe I'm not)

that's it for the poems for now...i want to write a post and I had a plan but i seem to have forgotten it now...also i need to get some sleep...so perhaps tomorrow...

Emmy R.

a few thoughts on support...

2009-07-22T23:46:00.003-04:00

so i was just driving home from an event at my home church and a song came on the radio talking about how you can run to god for everything and with everything. I was thinking about how I just don't seem to believe that, i mean you can't exactly run to someone with your problems if you doubt their existence can you. It was at this point that i began to psychoanalyze myself. (I know, weird...but that is sometimes what i do when driving home by myself...) Anyways, a random thought popped into my mind. Perhaps the reason i don't want to trust the support of something that is invisible is because i can't even trust the visible support systems in my life. For example, my first close friendship ended in her moving away, the next ended up with her choosing drugs over me. After that I tried to rely on the support system of my family through my mom by trying to talk to her about what was going on. Then when she rejected me i sought the help of youth leaders, who didn't want to believe that a junior high student could really be doing drugs. After that came high school and another great friendship which ended in death. After/during that i turned to cutting which seems to be the best support system i have found. It doesn't leave me, it can't do drugs (it is the drug...LOL), it cant die. Later I found a great support system through my friend Laura, but again, she has gone. We haven't even spoken to each other yet and our only communication has been in the form of short posts on each other's facebook walls. Another support seemingly gone. If i told some people about this they would tell me that this is god telling me that i am supposed to lean on him...but i think that is a load of crap...it seems to me that if there is a god, he is just enjoying torturing me. Again, why would i choose to trust the support of something invisible when i have yet to find something visible that will support me...other than my cutting, which, crazy me, i am trying to give up...

Emmy R.

what's up with me...

2009-07-17T02:14:00.002-04:00

Chilling in my room tonight and I though I would do a quick update on here. I have spent a lot of time the last three days babysitting! It has been really great to get a chance to see some of the kids I babysat for in the past (and a few new ones as well). Anyways, I have also made quite a bit of money, perhaps less than minimum wage but still it is nice to have a bit more money for next year...

Today after babysitting I went to Marshals to look for a new bathing suit and also to look for jeans. I love to go shopping but it can be frustrating, this time wasn't to bad though. I did not find a bathing suit or a pair of jeans, but it did find a great pair of shorts, which i also needed, and a birthday present for my sister. My sister is headed off to college next year to a private college in the northern part of the state i attend. I am so happy for her that she seems so excited. Anyways, she is going to be running for the cross country team there and has to be there early which means she wont be home for her birthday. I found a cute frame that says "sisters" and then has a cute definition after it (which i would share but i don't feel like digging for the frame) and has room for a 4x6 photo which i put a picture of my two sisters and i in. I also got some cute card things that have an "A" on the front which is her initial. I think she will like it. I also want to add a few more things and also add a note about college and how much I have enjoyed my first year and perhaps some advice about the first year of college.

Basically my life has been pretty boring lately. I have struggled a bit with cutting, but i didn't give in and there have been more good days than bad days. I just watched some of the new episodes of my favorite show "Degrassi: the Next Generation". Basically i have been chilling a lot. which means I sleep a lot, and I sleep in late...i am going to try to not make the sleeping in too much of a habit anymore. I want to still be ok and not have to make too much of a major adjustment when I go back to college.

One thing that has been on my mind a bit since the end of last school year was something my RA had talked to me about. She asked me to think about perhaps being open to talk to some people about my cutting. She said she knew some people from in the dorm who also struggle with cutting and that she though that it could be good if we were able to be like accountability partners or something...i am not sure exactly what she had in mind...but it sort of makes sense...i mean it would be great to have someone who really understood where I was coming from but at the same time it would be hard because it could possibly be a trigger...

Also related to that, i was thinking about, at the end of last year, that it would be great if i could help to start a support group or something. I am now thinking that it would be cool if we could start some sort of awareness group. I think that that would be very helpful because so many people don't understand the issue.

Both of these ideas are great at their very heart but both could have so many issues and so many scary parts to them. I mean in either one of them what would happen if I were asked to share my story to a larger croud. I don't think i could deal with that. Next year there are four more students coming to my college who I went to high school with. What if they heard, told their parents, who in turn told my parents (such is the small-town-ness of my high school). Anyways, i just am still not sure what I want to do, and every time I think about this i come to the same conclusion that I just don't know.

Ok...off to bed...i am getting my hair cut in the morning...so i have to get up earlier than usual...

Emmy R.

"Walk w/ Me"...

2009-07-12T03:49:00.003-04:00

"Walk w/ Me"....

I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. No, I really don’t. I’d rather keep it to myself- handle it alone. I do think it would be good for me to share it with you, though. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of what you’ll say and of how you’ll act.

I’m afraid you might feel sorry for me in a way that makes me feel pathetic. Like I’m some “poor thing.”

I’m afraid you’ll try to cheer me up. That you will give me words, or texts or prayers that tell me in a subtle way to stop feeling bad. If you do that I’ll feel worse (but hide it behind my obedient, cheerful smile). I’ll feel you don’t understand. I’ll feel that you are making light of my problem because you believe it can be brushed away with some brief words of cheer.

I’m afraid you’ll give me an answer. I’ve been wrestling with this problem for some time now. I have thought endless thoughts about it. Can you answer in half-minutes what I’ve struggled with for weeks?

Don’t belittle me.

I’m so afraid you might ignore my problem, talk quickly about other things, or tell me of your own problems.

I’m afraid too, that you might see me stronger than I do- not need you to listen and care. (It’s true I can get along alone, but shouldn’t.)

What I’d really like is if you would “just walk with me.” Listen as I begin in some blundering, clumsy way to break through my fearfulness of being exposed as weak. Hold my hand and pull me gently as I falter and begin to draw back, Say a word, make a motion or a sound that says, “I’m with you.” If you’ve been where I am tell me how you felt in a way that I can know you’re trying to walk with me.

Walk with me- don’t change me.

But I’m afraid. . . you’ll think I’m too weak to deserve respect and responsibility. . . you’ll explain what’s happening to me with labels and interpretation. . . or you’ll ask me, “What ya going to do about it?”

Please. Just walk with me. All those other things seem so much brighter and sharper- smarter and expert.

But what really takes love is to just walk with me. (taken from Being Withby Visser and Kok 1976)

Emmy R.

conservative-ness...

2009-07-12T01:33:00.003-04:00

I don't know if I have posted about this before but it is just something going through my mind right now...

A while back (when I was at my cousin's wedding [Bianca is my cousin and Patrick is her husband]) we were hanging out with her Patrick's family and I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom. Now i know I have written a blog before about how conservative my cousin is and how i got into an argument with her...but Patrick's mom is a bajillion times more conservative than her. Basically my whole family is extremely conservative...

Anyways, I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom and she was talking about a college that she is hoping one of her sons will apply to and attend. She mentioned how she believed this school did a good job of teaching kids how to think and not what to think. But then she went on to mention that it was a very conservative school and she also liked that it held very conservative values. I asked her how a school could be teaching you how to think and not what when they were teaching you to believe conservatively...I was slightly confused...she then looked at me like I was a little kid for not understanding how that worked and she dropped the conversation because she though I was being impertinent or something...

So back to how this sort of thing is on my mind today...well not specifically today...but just in the back of my mind lately...

I know that I am very conservative in many ways...mostly because of the way I was raised I believe...but being at the college I attend I am truly being taught "how to think and not what to think." I think that they do a great job of presenting ideas that are very controversial in the United States (and many other countries as well i believe) and giving us a chance to consider all sides of them and then decide what we believe. One example is homosexuality. I have gotten a chance to hear from gay students who attend my christian college...I have heard their stories and their struggles and have come out of it a changed person...I am not the same as I was in the begining of the school year...

ok...i am rambling...but it's just what is on my mind right now...

one last thing...i think my nose piercing is infected...i am not very happy about that...but i am off to take a shower and clean the piercing really well right now...and also clean the nose ring...and put it back in...hopefully that will help...I think that vacation and the really dry hair and dusty air was not good for the piercing...

gotta go hop in the shower...

Emily

2009-07-11T05:27:00.001-04:00

Just remembered that i typed out this poem/word vomit thing the other day...so here you go...I think it is from almost a week or so ago...but that doesn't really matter...

Thoughts,
Questions
Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
Considering
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Counseling?
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
Insignificant
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
“Issues”
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?

Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…

Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)

Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…

now for my movie and then sleep...

Emmy R.

random-ish-ness

2009-07-11T02:00:00.002-04:00

we got back home from vacation early this morning...so nice to be home...and to finally sleep in my own bed...

I just got done watching a movie about bulimia on youtube (I know it is lame that that is my friday night entertainment...) The movie is called "Sharing the Secret"...

It was a good movie...but sort of depressing...but invigorating at the same time...in some ways it made me want to give up...it made me think that the fight isn't worth it...but in other ways it made me want to stay strong and not cut...conflict within myself...

anyways...about to start another movie via youtube...Painful Secrets (aka Secret Cutting)...i've seen this one before and i really do love it. It is about a girl who cuts and her struggle and the path to healing...i really like this movie...but i am sort of frusturated because i can't get keepvid.com to work...(keepvid is a great site where you can download the videos from youtube...) I want to get all the parts to Painful Secrets and put them together and put them onto a DVD...

The agenda for tomorrow is that i will possibly go to the beach for a friend's sweet 16...otherwise i will hopefully going out and about...I want to get to the craft store and find some material for a sewing project i want to try...(i like to randomly make different clothing items...i want to make some kid's clothes...)

that's all for now...can't think of much to write...i wanted to write a poem...but i am too tired now...so off to bed...

Emmy R.

Post Secret

2009-07-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

just checked out this week's post secrets...amazing! i love it! (http://postsecret.blogspot.com/) anyways...i liked this secret...and many of the other ones...

i sent in a few secrets at one point...but they never showed up in the sunday secrets...maybe they are in the new book...i will have to look...

Emmy R.

Two posts in one...

2009-07-02T10:29:00.002-04:00

I typed this out the other day while my family was driving to our next destination. I didn't get a chance to put it up on here until now. So here you go...

oh one more thing...not having access to blogger all the time has really made me miss my handwritten journal that i used to use...it doesn't depend on internet access...i pretty much stopped using a journal when i started posting on here...and since i stopped using it i stopped bringing it everywhere with me...i think i am going to start using it again when i get home...

Emmy R.

**************************

Feeling

Abandoned

Left alone

To fend for myself

Knowing

That I am selfish

For feeling this way

Hating the fact that I can’t

Control

Those emotions

Yesterday I got a text message to my phone…It was a Facebook status update…it said “Laura ******* said some tough goodbyes, moved into our apartment, and conquered an Israeli grocery store today. I can’t wait to fill you in on more detail…” I got this message and through my phone commented on Laura’s status update saying, “*hugs* I love you and miss you a lot…I am glad to know that you are starting to get settled in…hopefully we will be able to talk soon!” After sending that message it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears…I kept the tears back however because I was riding in the car with my family…and I hate to cry in front of ANYONE…so anyways…I sat there in the back seat of the family van siblings on either side of me fighting back tears…finally I distracted myself by shoving my nose into the third Harry Potter book (I’m re-reading them over the vacation) and lost myself in the story…

I’m in the car again now typing this in a Word document…driving south and we are going to go visit some of my dad’s friends and then drive even further south and visit some family…then slowly begin the trek home making random stops along the way…so there you have it…my exciting life…(:

Emmy R.

so...

2009-06-26T22:24:00.003-04:00

i keep trying to start a post but then fail to finish it when i get caught up in the wonderful world of the interwebs...lol...but i am going to finish it this time...

update...

i am gone on a family road trip around the us...partly for my cousin's wedding(which was in the same state i go to college in)...which i was a bridesmaid for and which went very well...but it was a busy busy few days preparing for the wedding and such....the actual wedding day went something like this
5:00am - get up and pack up to go to the church and get hair done...
5:30am - actually leave the house to head to church...
6:00am - arrive at church...
6-9am - all the bridesmaids and the bride get their hair done...
9:00am - wedding pictures...
10:00am - actual wedding service
after the service off to the next town for some more pictures...and to the lake for some pictures on the beach...
after those pictures to the place where the reception was held...and we were VERY late because all the roads were blocked by fallen trees because of a huge storm the night before...
anyways...it was a very busy day...as well as the days before it...and after too...

after that we hung out for a couple of days in the area...and then went to the northern part of the state where the wedding was along with some family and camped with them for a few days...now we are even further north in that state just camping with my family...truthfully i am ready to be done with the vacation...

ok...now a little update about how I am actually doing...i haven't cut...though have been tempted...and i did bring my razors because there is a certain comfort of just having them with me...just knowing i could cut calms me down sometimes...

i have been missing my friend who moved to israel quite a bit...but i try to push that from my mind usually...i just don't want to deal with it...

ok that's it for now...off to bed...

Emmy R.

saying goodbye...

2009-06-12T03:34:00.002-04:00

today i said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world...
and I quite possibly won't see her for 3 years...
we both hope that at some point i will be able to go out to Israel and stay for a little while or she will be out by my college (she is originally from around there and her family still lives there)....but who knows....augh...i hate this...

another thing...i am a failure...a complete and utter failure...

i had a great chance to tell laura about the self harm...but i chickened out...

at first it was just really weird because we went shopping together and just were sort of hanging out and walking around the store and picking up some last minute things that she needs before her trip...and it just wasn't really a time or place where i could bring it up...i mean i didn't really want to talk about it in front of a whole bunch of people...and right after that she needed to drop me off back at home so she could get some more stuff done with other people...i kept on telling myself that i just needed to get it done with and say something to her on the car ride home...but it still didn't feel like the right time...so basically i screwed up and didn't tell her...i am just so disappointed in myself...i almost want to cut...but i won't...i just won't...i'll have even more reason to hate myself if i let myself back into that habit...

I had e-mailed my RA to say hi and see how she is doing and she e-mailed me back to say that her grandmother had passed away and that she has been really busy with that and she asked me how i was doing...i told her that i was doing good but not looking forward to the next day (today) because i had to say goodbye to laura...she told me that if i needed to talk then i could call her and she would listen...but i don't think i will...even if things are bad...i mean i hope i will...but i just don't know...AUGH!!!...

I am really worried about what i would do if i were to mess up...previously i would have covered it up with a jacket or long sleeves...in high school i always wore a sweatshirt...even during the hottest months...now i have worn a jacket like once in the past month...if i were to start wearing a jacket all of a sudden...well...it would be suspicous...anyways...i just don't feel like talking about that anymore right now...

oh i have one other thing i wanted to mention...i hung out with my friend paige's little sister the other day...it was really great...i always come away from when we hang out really refreshed...we had fun getting lunch and walking around the mall together...it is really nice being with her because even if we don't talk about paige we both still share the fact that we knew and loved her...and it is great to be around someone that also shares those burdens and that pain with me...

ok wait...i have one more thing...then bed...i have this tv show that i am like absolutely in love with called degrassi: the next generation....basically it is a soap opera sort of thing (only not quite so dramatic) made for teens...anyways...that tv show came from a tv show made in the 80's which was an after school program for kids which talked about issues that kids their age faced...it started as "Degrassi Junior High" then became "Degrassi High" and then later then created "Degrassi: the Next Generation" which is what it is now....and it still talks about issues that many people face now and in a realistic way...The reason i am really fond of this show is because it is one of the things in my life that really helped me realize my self-harm was an issue...one of the characters, Ellie Nash, starts cutting to deal with her mom's drinking....and basically she ends up getting caught and starts to deal with the cutting and the stuff behind the cutting...so ya...the reason i brought this up is because i have just started watching all the episodes of "Degrassi Junior High"...it is pretty cool because you get to see some of the adult characters in Degrassi: TNG and how they were as kids in Degrassi Junior High....anyways...i have really got to get to bed now....

Emmy R.

not sure...

2009-06-11T01:17:00.002-04:00

I don't know if I can handle this
i really am not sure...
my best friend is moving away
and I won't see her for like three years
i am crying
and feeling stressed out
i feel like i am losing control
i really want to cut
it has always made things "better"
but i know that the
"better"
only seems better at the time...
and in the end is much worse
reminding myself of that
works for now
...for now...

I am hanging out with Laura as much as possible tomorrow since that is the last time i will see her for about three years. I am scared because I just don't want to have to deal with this...i just know that tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day and i HATE crying in front of people...actually i hate crying in general...anyways...as you might have guessed....i still haven't talked to Laura about the cutting...i definitely really want to but i just haven't gotten the chance...i think i am going to tell her first thing tomorrow....so that afterwards we can just hang out and it will have been done with...i am going to write out a practice conversation below...for some reason that always helps me get my thoughts straight...

*i get to her house and we exchange greetings and talk for a little bit, eventually the conversation dies down and we are just chilling*
E: Laura?
L: Ya
E: I have something I want to talk to you about...
L: What is it?
E: Do you remember at serve when i started talking to you about "it"
L: yes i remember...
E: well i have something i want to talk to you about about that...
L: ok...
E: First, I want to tell you what "it" is...Laura, i'm a cutter...I know you might think it is weird that i am bringing this up right before I won't see you for several years...but I really wanted to have a conversation about this...
L: *hugs* I am glad you felt comfortable with sharing that with me...
E: I am glad I did too. I want to tell you something else too...I started seeing a counselor at calvin and I am going to continue again next year...

gah...ok this conversation sucks and is really really fake and unrealistic...and it is actually stressing me out more than i was before...so i am stopping it...hopefully the conversation will happen...i really do want to have this conversation tomorrow though...if i do you will be hearing about it...

Another thing...i leave on friday for a family vacation...we are going to the state where my cousin lives (also the state my college is in...) and i am in her wedding and then we are heading back home and meandering our way accross the US in a van and a trailer....fun stuff....

i know most of my posts have been lame lately...and they will probably continue to be so...especially when i am on vacation with little siblings looking over my shoulder all the time...

that's it for now...
Emmy R.

Pictures with my new camera...

2009-06-05T02:00:00.003-04:00

rusty old trailer hitch from a trailer we used when I was younger...
Slide I played on as a kid in my backyard
pretty flowers from a bush in my backyard...

a kitten my mom got, her name is diamond
another kitten my mom got...his name is copper...

ok...that is all...time for bed...

Emmy R.

CAMERA!!!

2009-06-04T23:59:00.002-04:00

just got my beautiful Canon EOS Rebel XS today...*sigh* i have had a bit of fun today trying to figure out how to work it (there are SO many settings...)

I would like to name it...but I am not sure what I should name it...and I am not sure if it is a boy or a girl...so maybe a unisex name...like taylor or something...

anyways...i walked around the house today and the yard finding random pictures to take...so much fun!!!

I am going to put them up tonight yet I think...or perhaps tomorrow...

Emmy R.

2009-06-04T04:58:00.002-04:00

Just about to head to bed but I wanted to put up an update about today...and tomorrow...

I brought lunch to school for my sisters today...it was fun to be back on campus and to not have to wear uniforms there (: (I went to a private christian CRC affiliated school [From K-12] where we had to wear nasty little uniforms [though the uniforms were only started my 8th grade year...and at that point the whole school got them...]...ugh...horrible)

Anyways...after that I went to WalMart and was looking at Digital SLR camera cases...not much to see there...but i stopped and bought a few cans of chef boyardee, some applesauce and some dog food for a homeless guy I saw on my way to the store...when I got out though he wasn't there and I couldn't find him...

After that I went and picked up my friend and brought her to our highschool so she could show her son off...(and btw...she went to the doctor's again and it turns out that she had a miscarriage of the baby she had just found out she was pregnant with...but the test was positive because she had been pregnant and she still had the hormones in her...) ...so we hung out at school and then I brought her back home and then headed home myself...

On the way home I saw that same homeless guy again so I was able to give him the food and dog food...that was good...

Then I went out to eat with my family and babysat for a family that I have babysat for a TON in the past...

Then I came home and have been wasting my life in front of my computer...LOL...

Tomorrow (well actually today since it is after 2am)....I am sleeping in till whenever i decide to wake up and then going to chill around the house until my sister gets done with school...then I will be going to Best Buy with her and my dad for her to get her Laptop (gradation present) and me to get my camera (birthday present/I am paying for part of it). I don't remember if I talked about the camera I am getting in any previous posts but here is what I am getting...It is a Canon Rebel xs with an 18-55mm lens...see the pics...

so ya...I am super excited about that...but for now...to bed...I will post pictures of my camera (or at least taken with it) soon...

Oh and one other thing....I really think I want to name my camera...any suggestions?

Emmy R.

2009-06-03T02:06:00.002-04:00

I am sitting on the computer and filling out some random survey where you put all your music on shuffle through iTunes or Windows Media Player and then answer the questions using each song that you shuffle through....

I just answered the question "What is your worst fear?" with the song Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day....

oddly that makes perfect sense...and it actually fits with how I am feeling right now...well only sort of though...

I went to the psychiatrist the other day and they upped my ADD meds...I thought that they were making me more anxious but my doctor said that it was probably because I was under medicated....

I hung out with my friend today...it was nice...I babysat her adorable daughter first for a few hours and then she came home and we hung out for a little bit...but I didn't talk to her about it yet...hopefully we can actually go get coffee or something so that we can get a chance to have a better conversation...

well we'll see...

later...

Emmy R.

"Ignorance isn't bliss - it's ugly"

2009-06-02T03:12:00.001-04:00

"Ignorance isn't bliss - it's ugly", originally uploaded by Uhlissuh Rose.

I just saw this picture on flickr and I decided I needed to share it....but I am going to bed now....it's almost midnight now and I am getting up at around 6:30am ish...

Emmy R.

2009-06-02T02:54:00.002-04:00

Today (6/1):

I hung out with my best friend and helped her pack for her move to Israel...

I went shopping

I tried to help heal a broken heart...a friend called this afternoon and told me her boyfriend had broken up with her...which is really bad since she has a 3 month old little boy with this guy...and then accompanied her to the doctor because she needed to check out some things to do with the IUD she had put in (IUD=Intra-Uterine Device...a form of birth control) which led to the doctor asking her to take a pregnancy test and thus finding out that she is about a month along with her second child...same dad...

I came home and sat in my room trying to distract myself from everything and watched some movies online...

writing this blog...(:

Tomorrow (6/2):

babysitting one of the cutest little girls in the world (who happens to be the daughter of my best friend, so i might just be a little bias...)

hanging out with my best friend after for a little while...

possibly bringing up a very important conversation with said best friend (i.e. talking about my issues with SI)

Song I heard...and liked...

listen to it here
http://www.myspace.com/mollyjenson

it is called "Do You Only Love the Ones"

Lyrics (I could only find lyrics with guitar chords too...and I am lame and tired to I am just copying and pasting them here...and not deleting the chords...):

Intro is just going back between C & F

C                     F
Where’s your heart?
C                     F
Where’s this love you talk about
C                   F   Dm  G
Did someone hold a gun
C           F
To your head
C                        F
Who’s that girl you laugh about?
C                  F       Dm    G
Did a feeling do you wrong
Dm                   G
You’ve been gone to long

Em                 Am
Did you love her?
Em                 Am
Did you leave her cold
Em                   Dm      G
Did you see her through?
                  Dm          G
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?

C        F
C           F
Where are you now?
C   F
Are you afraid of being found?
C   F Dm G*
See I’m alone when you’re around
C F
Silly girl,
C   F
What can you see from way up there?
C   F  Dm  G
Is that the world in devil’s clothes?
Dm  G
Looking down your nose

Em Am
Are you lonely?
Em  Am
Are my scars too deep?
Em  Dm  G
Do you have them too?
  Dm   G*
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?

C F
C F
Listen, love
C F
To a melody for you
C  F  Dm G
Would it change your point of view
  Dm   G
Or do you only love the ones who sing your tune?
  Dm   G*
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?



















That's all for now...i will let you know what happens as far as the conversation I want to have tomorrow...

Emmy R.

recently...

2009-06-01T02:45:00.002-04:00

I have been getting really really lazy with posting blogs and such since right before exams and such...but here is an update...

I have been home for about a week and a half and I am still enjoying it! It is quite weird though because I am beginning to realize how much I have changed since this time last year. I guess it is probably because I am putting myself back into an old situation...anyways...

I just had my 19th birthday! (: yay for being able to legally drink in Canada...hahaha....

I just was checking out the PostSecret blog and found a secret that I totally could relate to.

twloha.com

It made me remember one specific time where I was at the grocery store with my friends picking up a few things and I needed to buy and one of the things I needed to get was Band Aids because I was running out. I head over to the area where the band aids and such are and I am looking at the boxes trying to find one that is hypo-allergenic and latex free (i think I have a slight latex allergy or an allergy to the glue on the band aids) band aid. Anyways, I am sitting there picking out some band aids and my friend comes over and says, "Gosh, how do you go through band aids so fast, what are you, a cutter?" I stopped and looked at her and couldn't come up with a response. She sort of started to chuckle and then i did too because I had no clue what the heck to do. Normally I would make some sort of comment about how they shouldn't make fun of that sort of thing because it is a serious issue, but since at that point I had quite a few healing cuts on my arm I just didn't know what to say...so i chickened out...this was back in late January/February-ish when I had the huge backslide.

Anyways, on a happier note I get to see my friend Laura tomorrow, I am going to her house to help her pack for her move to Israel and we are just going to hang out...I am not sure how much we will be able to hang out over the next while but it will hopefully be a lot since she leaves on the 15th for Israel and then I will likely not see her for about 2 years. Anyways, I am not sure if I want to try to talk to her about the whole self-harm thing right away or if I want to wait for a little bit so we can just hang out first or something...

Oh and I have another little tidbit to share...I just found out that I am actually not 100% Dutch...I actually have a little bit of Jewish in me...I guess somewhere why back in my family line one of my great great great great great great great grandpas married a Jewish girl. Another thing I found interesting was that my family was actually a royal family until he married the Jewish girl and then he got like taken out of the family line or something...

anyways...time for bed! I have a lot to do tomorrow...well not really but I am getting up rather early...so to bed I go...

Emmy R.

2009-05-26T01:05:00.002-04:00

to Megalulz:
it seems that you have completely gotten rid of your blog...it makes me somewhat sad to see that but i understand how you feel about it being more of a bind...so it is ok...I would, however like to keep in contact with you during your trip to poland and such...do you think it would be ok to trade e-mails? You could comment it and I would not post it...

also...that website with the t-shirts you showed me...funny...I don't think I will order one since I am not sure i am an atheist...i think i still believe in god...but i just don't know if he really cares...like I just don't know if he is really the god that the christian bible makes him out to be....does that make sense? I guess I am just not ready to give up on someone who I have been taught my whole life to believe in...i don't know if that makes any sense either...

anywho...here is the shirt i would get if I were to choose one...(http://www.thearrogantatheist.com/womensinvis.html)

Ok update time!

I made it home this past wednesday late at night and left on thursday afternoon for a weekend of concerts and fun times...they were christian concerts by some christian artists...but they were still rather good...and I mainly went to bands which weren't really preachy with their music...like for example not worship songs and the like...but ya...it was fun...I just got home earlier this afternoon and spend the remainder of memorial day with my family and also with a couple of the girls I was a leader to for the junior high youth group at my church (i was a leader there for like 3 years and these were some of the girls I became close to)...

Anyways...my exams before that went fairly well as far as i know...the grades are not posted online yet though...

in the morning I am going to drive my brothers to school and then go shopping for jeans and also looking around at some cameras...

I suppose I should get to bed since it is 10:30 and I need to be up by 6:30ish...

perhaps I will add more later!

Emmy R.

Poetry (and blog) by Emmy R.

Swirling thoughts

Anxiety: two poems

Dream...and a little bit of past and present...

I love you and miss you.

Transtheoretical Model of Change

Anxiety

Monday, a discussion with C

One hell of a day...

Randomness...(sorry for such a depressing post...)

Honestly, when things feel good, I feel fake.

*Warning: this post could trigger* Counseling session

just the ramblings of my mind on a tuesday night...

back to the counselor I went...

Counseling Appointment

Hello again.

Once Again

Pro-Choice Because

Parenthood

Parallel?

oh and a little tidbit more...

Coming out

so...what do i do when...

just fyi...

another poem...

Coming out

Letting Go

secretsecretsecretsecretsecret

PostSecret video * My thoughts * Update

Quote from "Purpose for the Pain" by Renee Yohe

more word vomit...

remembering....and word vomit...

postsecret

texting conversation with my dad...

Dating?????

feeling urgy...

Relapse...

Gluttony...

close call...

STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labor Day Weekend, Skillet-Awake, Poem

Quote by Jamie Tworkowski

College, visiting Paige's grave

addicts behavior.

Me and Maddi

losing weight

miniscule poem...or not...

poems i found in my room...

cleaning out my room...

...

Flickr Picture...

randomrandomrandom

some poems...

a few thoughts on support...

what's up with me...

"Walk w/ Me"...

conservative-ness...

random-ish-ness

Post Secret

Two posts in one...

so...

saying goodbye...

not sure...

Pictures with my new camera...

CAMERA!!!

"Ignorance isn't bliss - it's ugly"

recently...

Warning: this post could trigger Counseling session