not sure...

I don't know if I can handle this
i really am not sure...
my best friend is moving away
and I won't see her for like three years
i am crying
and feeling stressed out
i feel like i am losing control
i really want to cut
it has always made things "better"
but i know that the
"better"
only seems better at the time...
and in the end is much worse
reminding myself of that
works for now
...for now...










I am hanging out with Laura as much as possible tomorrow since that is the last time i will see her for about three years. I am scared because I just don't want to have to deal with this...i just know that tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day and i HATE crying in front of people...actually i hate crying in general...anyways...as you might have guessed....i still haven't talked to Laura about the cutting...i definitely really want to but i just haven't gotten the chance...i think i am going to tell her first thing tomorrow....so that afterwards we can just hang out and it will have been done with...i am going to write out a practice conversation below...for some reason that always helps me get my thoughts straight...


*i get to her house and we exchange greetings and talk for a little bit, eventually the conversation dies down and we are just chilling*
E: Laura?
L: Ya
E: I have something I want to talk to you about...
L: What is it?
E: Do you remember at serve when i started talking to you about "it"
L: yes i remember...
E: well i have something i want to talk to you about about that...
L: ok...
E: First, I want to tell you what "it" is...Laura, i'm a cutter...I know you might think it is weird that i am bringing this up right before I won't see you for several years...but I really wanted to have a conversation about this...
L: *hugs* I am glad you felt comfortable with sharing that with me...
E: I am glad I did too. I want to tell you something else too...I started seeing a counselor at calvin and I am going to continue again next year...



gah...ok this conversation sucks and is really really fake and unrealistic...and it is actually stressing me out more than i was before...so i am stopping it...hopefully the conversation will happen...i really do want to have this conversation tomorrow though...if i do you will be hearing about it...







Another thing...i leave on friday for a family vacation...we are going to the state where my cousin lives (also the state my college is in...) and i am in her wedding and then we are heading back home and meandering our way accross the US in a van and a trailer....fun stuff....

i know most of my posts have been lame lately...and they will probably continue to be so...especially when i am on vacation with little siblings looking over my shoulder all the time...




that's it for now...
Emmy R.