losing weight

I have made a decision that I am going to lose weight while i am gone next year at college. I don't really want this blog to turn into like a food diary or anything, and I also don't want to start keeping a food diary because I don't want to get into the dangerous territory of an eating disorder. I have heard that people who have eating disorders are often likely to also develop issues with self-harm. I guess in many cases they are both for the same reason. Something the person can control. I am worried that the same thing could happen but the opposite way. Since I struggle with self-harm I might be susceptible to an eating disorder.

Currently I only have my class schedule but once I get my work schedule I will combine the two and look at the work-out room's hours. Then I will decide on a time to work out. I want to work out for an hour/day at least 3 times during the weekdays plus on Saturday, if not more than that. I want to make it a regular thing that I do not skip unless I have a huge test or something. I am also going to be having a PE class next year. I am taking a modern dance class, so hopefully that will help me work out a little bit more as well. When I go work out on my own I want to do either running or some sort of aerobic exercise (like on the elliptical) for about half an hour. Then I want to do something like lifting weights for another half hour or so. Hopefully this will help me lose some weight. I am currently considered "overweight" for my age and height. I want to cut down on the weight, but also gain some muscle so, since muscle weighs more than fat, even if I don't really lose a ton of actual "weight" I at least want to look slimmer.

I just used a "Better Ideal Weight Body Calculations" calculator thing to calculate what weight I should be. Since I am about 5'4", currently weigh around 160 lbs, am in the Adult age group and am female. According to the "People's Choice Ideal Weight" I should weight around 131 lbs, the "Medical Recommendation" is 111 - 146 lbs. So there you go, you see my goal right here. We'll see what happens.

Also I wanted to say that my choice to begin dieting when I get to College is only because I want to make sure I am talking to someone like one of the counselors at school so that I don't get dragged down by an eating disorder.

Emmy R.

miniscule poem...or not...

feeling numb
sitting in my room all day
doing nothing
accomplishing nothing
except laziness


that is all i have for today...i though i felt like writing a poem...but nothing is coming...oh well...

Emmy R.

poems i found in my room...

so i found two poems i wrote in my room while working on cleaning it up.
the first poem if from 1/18/08

Pieces of my life they surround me
each new thing a memory...
poems
written in my darkest times
wedding invitations
of people i love
running bibs**
from races long past
pictures
of possums, artwork, junior high graduation and meets
pamphlets
the the speakers from religions handed out
notes
from friends passed in class when the teacher isn't looking
a card
signed by all the girls on the -CC> team
Lyrics
to my favorite songs
Ticket stubs from movies

**in case you don't know a running bib is the little plastic things runners wear on their shirts during a race with a number on it**

this poem seems like it is unfinished to me...i don't think i meant to end it there...I probably wrote this while begining to clean my room to pack for college and just going through stuff...realizing all that was behind me and all that was in the future...i guess that is sort of how i feel now as well...I am again going through all my stuff in my room and getting rid of a ton of stuff...and seeing all the things I want to save and the memories they hold, both good and bad...






The other poem is a bit older and it seems that i was dealing with a bunch of drama surrounding a new friend group i was hanging out with...anyways...here it is...it's from 4-22-07...

I cried myself to sleep again
Thinking about the way
Things would have been
If God had cared
And let her live
I would still have
My best friend
I wouldn't have to deal
With the drama
My new 'friends' create
I'd have at least
One person
My age
Who i could trust
Who i could be real with

and then there is some large writing on the bottom that says "Skin Deep" I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that but I know there is a song by Natalie Grant that it titled that...






ok I think i am going to write another post with a poem if i can get one together...and if you have just stumbled on this blog please don't judge my poetry by these poems...they suck...but one was written a year ago and never finished and the other was written two years ago...and i am better now...these definately do not showcase any of my talent...


Emmy R.

cleaning out my room...

Just wanted to put up a new post thing...i started cleaning out my room the other day and rearranging it...it is funny some of the things I have found laying around...


notes passed to and from one of my friends in high school talking about all of the people she was falling in love with and having sex with (a new one pretty much every week)

old yearbooks and the things people wrote in them...with less and less signatures each year of highschool as i became less and less interested in friends and such...

a "slam book" that wasn't really a slam book at all but a little folder thing that I made at a sleepover with friends back when I was like 13. what it was was people signed in at the beginning and on each additional page they had to answer a question written at the top...LOL...it was hilarious to read it now...answers about crushed etc...(:

a bunch of old poems which i haven't even seen for forever...i have them and still need to read them...but hopefully i will post them on here soon...

and so much more...


ok i need to get off now because i need to go take a shower and change out of my pjs so i can go out and have an early dinner with some relatives that are flying into town today...

Emmy R.

...

I started out this morning getting up early and heading to Babysit. On the way I was feeling really anxious...it was really bad...worse than I have ever had...thank goodness my razors were miles away stashed in a drawer in my room...or i just know i would have slashed myself up really badly...but changing the subject because i really don't want to be thinking about that right now...so I don't end up deciding to go cut myself...i just got home a bit ago from babysitting...after babysitting I stopped by the store and got some stretcher things for my ears. I have two sizes and I am SO excited to put them in...but i am going to wait till I get to college...so my mom can just freak then...LOL...the smaller pair i got are black and white in like the shape of a pie...idk if that makes any sense...but it's like the colors are slivers of pie...and the bigger size is clear with white swirled through it...and I think i might actually go get the next size up as well...I looked it up online and you are supposed to wait like 1-3 months inbetween each time you go up a size...and after 8 guage you have to wait 3-5 months...

below is a poem i wrote last night...

I just don’t really care anymore

I feel like giving up

I just don’t feel

Like fighting anymore.

My cries

Seem to only reach

My own ears

They fall to the floor

Before they can reach another’s

My razor beckons to me

“I’m only in your drawer

A few feet away

Across the room”

I know she is there

My temptation

Whispering in my ear

Calling me to her side

Telling me

She will make it better

Part of me believes her

Another part sees through her lies

But yet that part wants to believe her

It yearns for an easy way out

A temporary relief

From this crazy thing I call life

Emmy R.

Flickr Picture...

181 - And a scar away from falling apart., originally uploaded by whatmegsaid.

This picture is titled "And a scar away from falling apart." That caught my eye. I know that this photographer is a fellow person who struggles with self-harm. She used that quote from a Fall Out Boy song "I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart, apart."

I guess this is sort of how I am currently feeling...so close to making it, and so close to falling apart...perhaps I will take a picture soon with this in mind...of course I will be putting it so only those who are my friends on there can see it...well at least if it is SI themed at all...i just recently told my friends and family about my flickr account (http://www.flickr.com/photos/emmyr/) and now my mom has looked at the pictures...so no pictures about that sort of thing ...LOL

Emmy R.

randomrandomrandom

So today I went shopping with my sister. I got myself a nice new purse, a few shirts and a couple CDs. I spent way too much money...but hey...i didn't spend more than I have...and i'm babysitting again tomorrow so i'll make some more money...

While out shopping I saw some piercing stretcher things...I think i am going to stretch my ears (: ...also for some reason...i now have the crazy urge to get another piercing specifically to get my lip pierced. it would be on the bottom lip on the opposite side of my face as the nose piercing (nose is on my right so the lip would be on the right) my mom would probably flip though...but i am of age...so technically she doesn't have a say in it. My mom wasn't really happy about my nose piercing but it has kind of grown on her i think (: but i definitely am going to stretch my ears...i'm going to go get the tapers tomorrow after i am done babysitting...i'll probably get the next two sizes so i can change them when i am at school...actually i will probably will wait till i am gone to start stretching them...again...my mom would probably not be happy...

life has been pretty boring for me lately...very low stress levels lately which is nice...but still a little bit os struggle with the cutting...i am not really sure why but i have been wanting to cut...just at random times....having nothing to do with my triggers...*sigh*...sometimes i just want to cut for the heck of it...and i want to cut deep enough to leave a really visible scar...it seems to have been so long since i last cut...i keep thinking of new places to cut too...ones that won't show in a bathing suit...ugh...i can't believe i am thinking like this...

In the past I have cut mainly on my left forearm...the easiest place for me to cut...in between high school and junior high i gained a ton of weight (which my mom made me very self-conscious about by bringing me to a bunch of doctors and stuff because she though something was wring with me...)...and i wore a jacket pretty much year round starting my first year of high school until about my third year (since i was so self-conscious)...the jacket made it really easy to hide the cutting...but since then i have begun not wearing a jacket all the time and have become more comfortable in my own body which makes hiding cuts harder...i grew up in an area where it is sunny all the time pretty much...and college is where it snows during the winter...so i have to wear warmer clothes...which makes it easier to cut...but even though I could have easily continued cutting in the same spot last year I began cutting in other places as well when I began to cut again for a while. I started to cut on my stomach and breast. I don't really know where I am going with this one...and i just realized how random this blog is...so on to my next random topic...LOL

I am currently looking at my college's counseling center website...for some reason it helps me feel calmer to look at this...i guess to know that there is help available should I choose to accept it...which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about. I am not sure if I want to go back to the counseling center next year...at first I was thinking that I should for sure go...but i just am not sure...i mean the lady i talked to will not be there next year...but whoever I talk to next will still be able to read her notes I think...i mean the guy i talked to in the beginning of the year and told about my cutting (possibly the most awkward time in my life) took notes and it seemed like the lady I talked to had read those notes...i mean she definitely knew about my cutting before I mentioned it...i mean she always asked me if i wanted to talk about anything else after I was talking about paige...come to think of it i am pretty sure that I told her she could read his notes...

ok...i am stopping here...i am, for some reason, getting more stressed and anxious out by typing here and looking at the counseling website...

Emmy R.