A Rant

I am so confused…
A friend telling me things
That I am not sure if I want to know
She comes to school stoned
And tells me about the
Bowls (of pot)
That she smokes
And the
Boats (of ecstasy)
That are going to be at the party
Then she tells me
About a prank she is going to pull
She says she is going to tell this guy
That she is pregnant with his kid
And just use it to play a practical joke
And then she
Mentions
That she was pregnant
And had a miscarriage
And then…
She says she’s been pregnant
THREE
Times
What do I believe?
I just don’t know…
I am so confused
How do I deal with a friend like this?
I just don’t know…
Is she making it up?
Or telling the truth
Why did she never tell me about the miscarriages before?
Why?
And I don’t know what to do
Because I really care about her
And I don’t want to see her doing these things
But I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to stop her
Tears come to my eyes
As I think about her
The things
That she’s gone through
(If she’s telling the truth)


A scary thing
Is that sometimes I want to join her
I want to…
Be with her at these parties
I want to smoke a joint with her
Just once…
I want to know how it makes me feel
I want to know why she does these things
I want to be able to understand where she’s coming from
But at the same time I don’t ever want to do what she’s doing

I am so confused
And I will say it again
I am so confused
I am so confused
I am so…
And you’ve probably heard it enough
But it’s the truth
I don’t know how to deal with this
I don’t understand
Why she feels the need to do these things
(I couldn’t with *name ommited for privacy* either)
At least I know now
What she’s doing
And can understand
The physical part of it
But I have no clue
What’s going on in her mind
I just don’t understand
And I wish I could
Even just a little bit

And I wonder if it’s possible
To know
Even though I don’t
Truly understand
I’ve never been in her place
Never had someone
Hurt me
In such a horrible way
But if I had
Would I choose to try
To block all those memories out
And fill my life with
Meaningless things
To push those horrible memories
Out of my head

But for now I am stuck
Not knowing
Not understanding
And remaining confused

So maybe I will talk to some people
Maybe I will get some advice
From *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Maybe they will be able to help me
Understand


As of now
I feel
numb
And absolutely
bewildered






some changes May 5, 2008

Ode to a Water Bottle

*note to readers*
This one was written during the beginning of my senior year of high school and I don't have an exact date but I have given an approximate date as to when it was written.
*end note to readers*


I look at you
You’re only half full
And what I want to do
Is sit here and mull
Over why you must be
Not full to the top
But halfway empty
And so I sit
And I think
And I think
Then I open the lid
And take a drink
“Oh my”
Says I
When I’ve taken a drink
For it tasted like nothing
Or so I did think
There was no taste of
Apple, cinnamon, or pear
I set the bottle down
And before I put the lid back on top
With my nose I did smell
But alas
I found there
No smell at all
No smell like anything
Not like pie or cookies
So then I decided
That even without
A smell or a taste
I will say
That I still enjoy water

They Piss Me Off

They piss me off
Why can’t they let him
Be just who he is
Why do they need to
Pick over his faults
And always put him down
It makes me so mad that
They just can’t let him alone
If they aren’t big enough
To accept him as he is
Why are they my friends
What’s so different about me
That they can accept me but not him
Why are their minds so unaccepting
What do I have that he doesn’t
Why me and not him
He came here to a Christian school
Expecting nicer kids
Ones who wouldn’t hurl hurtful words to his face
But at this Christian school kids aren’t so
Christian-like
They hurl words aimed to hurt
These words they use

Retrospect

The thousand things
I wish I’d said
Go running across my mind
They all come to me in retrospect

NOTHING

Nonexistent
Object
Timeless
Hiding
Inside ones self
Never
Gone


I wish I had a world
Where nothing existed
You were just engulfed
By the nothingness
No anger, no resent,
No regret, no pain,
No thoughts. Nothing
Plain and simple
Meaningless existence

Dream

*note to readers*
This poem is about bullying, or, more specifically, sexual harassment, that happened to me during high school for many years. This one was written during my sophomore year.
*end note to readers*

This week is gone
I was gonna tell
did I?
No
Another week
Where I did not tell
I know that I should tell
Yet I don’t
Why?
I am not sure
He’s just a jerk I repeat to myself
Then I think
Maybe it’s my fault
Maybe I did something
To deserve it
Is that Satan
Or my conscience
Maybe
Maybe it’s all a dream
And someone will wake me up

A random smattering of poems...

*note to readers*
This is a few poems that I wrote all in one day...I must have been in some mood...LOL...the last one is a little dark...but this is just my feelings on a given day put into words that came with the moment...
*end note to readers*

Hide
Hide under the blankets
And never come out
Even when they all shout
My name
I never ever want to come out
I just want to hide
And sleep the day away



Rain
Walking in the rain is always fun
You can dance
You can run
And in the rain
No one can see the tears
That stream down your face
They just blend in with the rain
Making their way down your face
And they fall to the ground and
Become one with the rain


No one will ever see
The tears come down
They always will
No one
Will ever see
The tears I cry to frequently
Over this and that
Maybe it’s you
That causes these tears
Until you see the suicide note that I may eventually write
Until then
Just keep making fun of me
One more laugh,
One more cut
Into my heart
Maybe next time
You’ll cause me to leave
This world
‘Cause that’s what you wanted
Right?
That’s what you said
Behind my back or to my face
Next time may be the last
And my last breath
Will be used praying for you
And I always do
To learn the pain that you’ve caused
By the crude words you’ve said