I am sitting on the computer and filling out some random survey where you put all your music on shuffle through iTunes or Windows Media Player and then answer the questions using each song that you shuffle through....

I just answered the question "What is your worst fear?" with the song Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day....

oddly that makes perfect sense...and it actually fits with how I am feeling right now...well only sort of though...




I went to the psychiatrist the other day and they upped my ADD meds...I thought that they were making me more anxious but my doctor said that it was probably because I was under medicated....



I hung out with my friend today...it was nice...I babysat her adorable daughter first for a few hours and then she came home and we hung out for a little bit...but I didn't talk to her about it yet...hopefully we can actually go get coffee or something so that we can get a chance to have a better conversation...

well we'll see...

later...

Emmy R.

"Ignorance isn't bliss - it's ugly"

"Ignorance isn't bliss - it's ugly", originally uploaded by Uhlissuh Rose.

I just saw this picture on flickr and I decided I needed to share it....but I am going to bed now....it's almost midnight now and I am getting up at around 6:30am ish...

Emmy R.

Today (6/1):

I hung out with my best friend and helped her pack for her move to Israel...

I went shopping

I tried to help heal a broken heart...a friend called this afternoon and told me her boyfriend had broken up with her...which is really bad since she has a 3 month old little boy with this guy...and then accompanied her to the doctor because she needed to check out some things to do with the IUD she had put in (IUD=Intra-Uterine Device...a form of birth control) which led to the doctor asking her to take a pregnancy test and thus finding out that she is about a month along with her second child...same dad...

I came home and sat in my room trying to distract myself from everything and watched some movies online...

writing this blog...(:




Tomorrow (6/2):

babysitting one of the cutest little girls in the world (who happens to be the daughter of my best friend, so i might just be a little bias...)

hanging out with my best friend after for a little while...

possibly bringing up a very important conversation with said best friend (i.e. talking about my issues with SI)



















Song I heard...and liked...

listen to it here
http://www.myspace.com/mollyjenson

it is called "Do You Only Love the Ones"

Lyrics (I could only find lyrics with guitar chords too...and I am lame and tired to I am just copying and pasting them here...and not deleting the chords...):

Intro is just going back between C & F

C                     F
Where’s your heart?
C                     F
Where’s this love you talk about
C                   F   Dm  G
Did someone hold a gun
C           F
To your head
C                        F
Who’s that girl you laugh about?
C                  F       Dm    G
Did a feeling do you wrong
Dm                   G
You’ve been gone to long

Em                 Am
Did you love her?
Em                 Am
Did you leave her cold
Em                   Dm      G
Did you see her through?
                  Dm          G
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?

C        F
C           F
Where are you now?
C   F
Are you afraid of being found?
C   F Dm G*
See I’m alone when you’re around
C F
Silly girl,
C   F
What can you see from way up there?
C   F  Dm  G
Is that the world in devil’s clothes?
Dm  G
Looking down your nose

Em Am
Are you lonely?
Em  Am
Are my scars too deep?
Em  Dm  G
Do you have them too?
  Dm   G*
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?

C F
C F
Listen, love
C F
To a melody for you
C  F  Dm G
Would it change your point of view
  Dm   G
Or do you only love the ones who sing your tune?
  Dm   G*
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?



















That's all for now...i will let you know what happens as far as the conversation I want to have tomorrow...

Emmy R.

recently...

I have been getting really really lazy with posting blogs and such since right before exams and such...but here is an update...

I have been home for about a week and a half and I am still enjoying it! It is quite weird though because I am beginning to realize how much I have changed since this time last year. I guess it is probably because I am putting myself back into an old situation...anyways...

I just had my 19th birthday! (: yay for being able to legally drink in Canada...hahaha....

I just was checking out the PostSecret blog and found a secret that I totally could relate to.

twloha.com

It made me remember one specific time where I was at the grocery store with my friends picking up a few things and I needed to buy and one of the things I needed to get was Band Aids because I was running out. I head over to the area where the band aids and such are and I am looking at the boxes trying to find one that is hypo-allergenic and latex free (i think I have a slight latex allergy or an allergy to the glue on the band aids) band aid. Anyways, I am sitting there picking out some band aids and my friend comes over and says, "Gosh, how do you go through band aids so fast, what are you, a cutter?" I stopped and looked at her and couldn't come up with a response. She sort of started to chuckle and then i did too because I had no clue what the heck to do. Normally I would make some sort of comment about how they shouldn't make fun of that sort of thing because it is a serious issue, but since at that point I had quite a few healing cuts on my arm I just didn't know what to say...so i chickened out...this was back in late January/February-ish when I had the huge backslide.

Anyways, on a happier note I get to see my friend Laura tomorrow, I am going to her house to help her pack for her move to Israel and we are just going to hang out...I am not sure how much we will be able to hang out over the next while but it will hopefully be a lot since she leaves on the 15th for Israel and then I will likely not see her for about 2 years. Anyways, I am not sure if I want to try to talk to her about the whole self-harm thing right away or if I want to wait for a little bit so we can just hang out first or something...

Oh and I have another little tidbit to share...I just found out that I am actually not 100% Dutch...I actually have a little bit of Jewish in me...I guess somewhere why back in my family line one of my great great great great great great great grandpas married a Jewish girl. Another thing I found interesting was that my family was actually a royal family until he married the Jewish girl and then he got like taken out of the family line or something...

anyways...time for bed! I have a lot to do tomorrow...well not really but I am getting up rather early...so to bed I go...

Emmy R.

to Megalulz:
it seems that you have completely gotten rid of your blog...it makes me somewhat sad to see that but i understand how you feel about it being more of a bind...so it is ok...I would, however like to keep in contact with you during your trip to poland and such...do you think it would be ok to trade e-mails? You could comment it and I would not post it...

also...that website with the t-shirts you showed me...funny...I don't think I will order one since I am not sure i am an atheist...i think i still believe in god...but i just don't know if he really cares...like I just don't know if he is really the god that the christian bible makes him out to be....does that make sense? I guess I am just not ready to give up on someone who I have been taught my whole life to believe in...i don't know if that makes any sense either...

anywho...here is the shirt i would get if I were to choose one...(http://www.thearrogantatheist.com/womensinvis.html)






Ok update time!

I made it home this past wednesday late at night and left on thursday afternoon for a weekend of concerts and fun times...they were christian concerts by some christian artists...but they were still rather good...and I mainly went to bands which weren't really preachy with their music...like for example not worship songs and the like...but ya...it was fun...I just got home earlier this afternoon and spend the remainder of memorial day with my family and also with a couple of the girls I was a leader to for the junior high youth group at my church (i was a leader there for like 3 years and these were some of the girls I became close to)...

Anyways...my exams before that went fairly well as far as i know...the grades are not posted online yet though...

in the morning I am going to drive my brothers to school and then go shopping for jeans and also looking around at some cameras...

I suppose I should get to bed since it is 10:30 and I need to be up by 6:30ish...


perhaps I will add more later!

Emmy R.

Converstion with my RA...

Friday night
My RA comes to my room
randomly
she tells me
she wants to
catch up on something
we talked about
at the beginning of the year
she asks me
"have you struggled with
what we talked about before
during this semester?"
my mind was freaking out...
but I told the truth
I told her
that I had
She asked me
"were you just tempted,
or did you cut yourself?"
a harder question
to answer
but I was still honest
"yes, i messed up"
"when did this happen?"
she asked
"recently? or a while ago?"
"at the beginning of the semester and during interim"
I answered
hanging my head
"was it like a one time thing?
or were you doing it on a daily basis?"
she asked
"it wasn't on a daily basis
but more than just once..."
i carefully answered
"do you know what triggered it?"
"i was having memories of my friend paige
i didn't want to deal with it so..."
then I trailed off...
she nodded
and looked me in the eyes...
"I went to *name of school's counseling center*"
"good for you!
I am proud that you made that decision"
she smiles
"It was really nice
because I found out that
they don't have to tell anyone
about this sort of stuff"
I looked at her
"do you have any
idea what you will do
this summer
if you are triggered?
do you have anyone you can
talk to about this?"
she asked me
i deferred and began
talking about the things
I can do to distract myself
"em, can you talk
to anyone at home
about this?"
I averted my gaze
I wouldn't let her
look me in the eyes
"I don't"
I slowly replied
"no one knows about it"
i looked down at the ground...
"I see
Em, I want you to know
you can call me anytime this summer
not as your former RA
but as a friend"
we looked each other in the eyes
"Thanks, Lauren"




Okay so it was a good conversation...(though it looks sort of stupid in blog form)...and I am glad it happened....






2 exams done...and 2 more to go...i have one tomorrow (monday) at 1:30pm and one on wednesday at 9am...fun stuff...i still have a TON of packing to do...and my room looks as though a tornado hit it...

I got to go study for my spanish exam...later!

Emmy R.

Poem...**WARNING: could be triggering**

***WARNING!*** The following poem contains very poignant references to self-harm. If you are triggered by

things like this please DO NOT read!!!

I just wrote this poem this afternoon, I was reading a booklet that my college puts out which features artwork and writing by students and was impressed by the personification of objects in some of the poems in the booklet. As I was heading back to my dorm the first few lines of this poem (more or less) came to my mind and thus this poem was started. Again I would like to warn any one who reads this blog that they should not read this poem because it could trigger them. Read at your own risk. Last think I would like to mention is that, though I am currently self-harm free (not sure how long it has been though) the backing for this poem comes from my own experiences with self-harm. Not everyone will find this poem to put into words their own feelings of self-harm.

My sharp, silvery seductress

Calls to me from the bathroom.

She tells me I should shower with her,

Bathe myself in the blood she brings,

So that in the end I can be clean.

The temptation

Seems too much.

The skin of my arm tingles,

Ready, willing to accept

My seductress past is surface,

Biting into the flesh

And tearing through to the blood.

My mind swims with memories

Of those intimate moments

Between my seductress and I.

Dancing together,

A lonely sort of dance

Only existing between

My seductress and my skin.

She reminds me

Of the relief she brings.

And my stressed out,

Anxious,

Confused mind

Wants to say

Yes

To her offer,

To delve into her promised relief.

Somewhere, through the thick mist of her promise

I remember the time before,

The last time my seductress seduced.

The relief she promised

It was fleeting

Gone in an instant.

She left me,

Alone.

With wounds that needed caring for.

Worth the short lived relief?

I wasn’t sure…

But her voice wasn’t leaving

She called out again

Inviting me to the bathroom,

My legs stretch out,

Move me toward the bathroom

Though my mind is telling them to stop.

My seductress whispers in my ear

Finally,

You decided to join me.

I knew you would.

And slowly, my mind slips away

Enveloped by the intimacy

Of seductress and skin.

Emmy R.