March 14, 2008

A Rant

I am so confused…
A friend telling me things
That I am not sure if I want to know
She comes to school stoned
And tells me about the
Bowls (of pot)
That she smokes
And the
Boats (of ecstasy)
That are going to be at the party
Then she tells me
About a prank she is going to pull
She says she is going to tell this guy
That she is pregnant with his kid
And just use it to play a practical joke
And then she
That she was pregnant
And had a miscarriage
And then…
She says she’s been pregnant
What do I believe?
I just don’t know…
I am so confused
How do I deal with a friend like this?
I just don’t know…
Is she making it up?
Or telling the truth
Why did she never tell me about the miscarriages before?
And I don’t know what to do
Because I really care about her
And I don’t want to see her doing these things
But I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to stop her
Tears come to my eyes
As I think about her
The things
That she’s gone through
(If she’s telling the truth)

A scary thing
Is that sometimes I want to join her
I want to…
Be with her at these parties
I want to smoke a joint with her
Just once…
I want to know how it makes me feel
I want to know why she does these things
I want to be able to understand where she’s coming from
But at the same time I don’t ever want to do what she’s doing

I am so confused
And I will say it again
I am so confused
I am so confused
I am so…
And you’ve probably heard it enough
But it’s the truth
I don’t know how to deal with this
I don’t understand
Why she feels the need to do these things
(I couldn’t with *name ommited for privacy* either)
At least I know now
What she’s doing
And can understand
The physical part of it
But I have no clue
What’s going on in her mind
I just don’t understand
And I wish I could
Even just a little bit

And I wonder if it’s possible
To know
Even though I don’t
Truly understand
I’ve never been in her place
Never had someone
Hurt me
In such a horrible way
But if I had
Would I choose to try
To block all those memories out
And fill my life with
Meaningless things
To push those horrible memories
Out of my head

But for now I am stuck
Not knowing
Not understanding
And remaining confused

So maybe I will talk to some people
Maybe I will get some advice
From *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Maybe they will be able to help me

As of now
I feel
And absolutely

some changes May 5, 2008