September 22, 2009

So I had my appointment today with a counselor at my school. I think that it was a productive meeting and I have another appointment not this next Monday but the Monday after that. At the start of the meeting I was really nervous and unsure what I would talk about. She came to the waiting room and called my name and I went with her to her office. She offered me a chair and I sat down and she sat across from me in her chair. She began by mentioning that she noticed that I had seen several different therapists and she said that I was probably pretty used to the whole therapy thing and she also asked if I had already been told about the confidentiality thing. I told her ya I was sort of used to it and that I had heard the confidentiality thing. She then asked me what had brought me to her office today. I was sort of uncomfortable and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Then I finally just said that I came because I struggle with self-harm and I had had a close call the other day with it but made it through and I did not do anything. She proceeded to ask me questions about my self-harm and even asked me some specific questions about my self-harm. It was really weird because I have never had anyone do that before. She asked me where I cut and with what and how deep it usually was. It was weird to have her asking me about a thing like that but it was also very nice to talk about it. After that she mentioned that previous to my appointment she did not know about me having had other appointments or she would have read what they wrote. She said she is going to read it before our next appointment. After she said that she began to ask me more questions about my reason for coming in. She had me explain why I was feeling the urges and what events sort of lead up to it. It was good to talk that over. Basically what I told her was that I had been stressed out because of being on dorm leadership and starting classes and that an argument with my friend pushed me over the edge. Then I told her how I knew I couldn't go back to my room and how I wanted to talk to my last year RA and she wasn't there and then I went on a walk until I felt ok. Later on after some more discussion she asked me about the story again. I mentioned the stress and the argument and how it made me want to cut. She asked me what happened next. I was like...uh...i didn't cut. She was like you are right, you didn't. That is the most important part of the story. The story doesn't end at the urge. It ends at how you deal with the urge. She mentioned that a few more times throughout the rest of our chat. Near the end she mentioned that the important part of my urge the night before was that I fought against it, even though I knew of a way I could get faster relief, I struggled through the hard stuff and made it through. I told her that it was really hard to look at it from that perspective because I always felt bad for even getting to that point, like i should have known and done something about it before i got to that point. She said that I still made a huge accomplishment...

Anyways, so the appointment went well, and I have another one two mondays from now. She said we will work on stress management techniques. I think that will be helpful. I also wanted to talk with her about possibly having a support group....but we'll see...

I would like to talk to my RA from last year about what was going through my mind. It is sort of hard to find a time to talk to her. She is busy with her new floor and we barely get a chance to talk. I would really like to talk to her about my cutting, and also about the possibly about talking to the person who she mentioned also struggles with cutting.

ok that's it for now...

Emmy R.

close call...

I had a very close call just a couple of nights ago. I made it through though. I have been really stressed lately and I guess I just needed one more crappy thing to push me over the edge. My stress is with being on the leadership team in my dorm and with getting used to classes again. On Saturday night I went out with friends and we got burgers. One of my friends was in a bad mood and was basically being rude to everyone. I was trying to cheer her up or at least make her smile by being my usual random self. Nothing I was doing was working though and later we went back to the dorms and watched the movie Juno in my friends (the crabby) room. She was going on and on about how much the songs in the movie suck and how they are not in tune or some crap like that and I mentioned that I like them and then I wanted to play one of the songs (which plays in the credits) for another of our friends so I brought my laptop over and started the song. My crabby friend just went apeshit at me and got really mad because she didn't want to hear the song. I went out in the hall and finished playing it for our friend. Then I put my computer away and came back and started writing on her door (our doors are dry-erase boards) the lyrics to one of the songs. She saw me doing it and asked our friend was I was doing and he said and then she went apeshit again and told me that i had to erase it. I left without doing so because I don't like being bossed around and then I went back to her room because I was really frustrated by her yelling at me and told her that just because she was in a bad mood was no reason to treat other people like crap. I was in tears at that point (remember i was already stressed, plus PMSing, so therefore very emotional) and I went back to my room and laid down on my couch and was crying. I really wanted to cut so I left the room and my cutting materials behind and went for a walk. I walked up to my, last year RA, and current friend's room because I just really needed a hug and she knows about my struggle with self-harm. She wasn't there so I left and just walked around campus crying and barely keeping it together. I got to a large grassy area at the center of campus (called commons lawn) and sat down in the middle. I held my knees to my chest and just cried. I really wanted to cut or do something to express what I was feeling but I sat there and then laid down and soon enough I calmed down, then I went back to my room and chilled.

This evening I went to say hi to my last year RA. I came to her room and we chilled for a while and she asked me some questions about how things were going. She asked me how I was doing with "the things we talked about last year" (aka my self-harm). I told her that I was doing ok right now but had had a close call recently. I then told her that I had not "done anything" though. She proceeded to tell me that it was ok, but even if I had done something it would have been ok. I don't really know how I feel about what she said. On one hand it feel it is weird because all I have ever really heard is that "cutting is bad you should not do it" and the concept of her being ok with it is weird. On the other hand I think it is nice that she said that because I know that she will be there for me even if I do start cutting again...

One last thing to add to this post. The last close call really scared me and now I have an appointment tomorrow at my college's counseling center. I am really nervous about going again because it will be a new person because the person I talked to last year was an intern and is working in a different place this year. I don't really know what I want to talk about. I sort of want to talk about starting a support group for self-harm, but I sort of want to talk over what happened the other night...

ok that's it for now...i need to work on homework and then go to bed...

Emmy R.

September 16, 2009


So things have been a little crazy. I am getting stressed out with my position as the AC secretary. I just am constantly feeling out of control and stressed. These are two things that usually really trigger my need to SI. I am being driven nuts and am constantly on edge. I came really really close to cutting yesterday and several other times over the past week or so.

Part of me is saying that I should make an appointment at my college's counseling center. The other part of me says I should not because I am strong enough to beat this on my own and I don't want to let them control it. GAH!!! I just don't know what to do. Last night I went to my RA from last years room hoping that we could chat. It didn't end up working out because there was someone else in the room and also because she had to go to an event in her dorm. I left and was feeling really stressed out, almost more so than before, and I walked around for a bit and then headed back to my dorm room, still stressed. This is driving me nuts!

I think I might make and appointment with a college counselor, but it will be weird. The person I talked to last year at the end of the year is not there anymore because she was just an intern. I would have to get to know someone new all over again. I suppose it would be good to at least go in and talk to them about possibly starting a support group...but now I don't know if that is a good idea.

My old RA, Lauren, had told me at the end of this past school year that she knew another person who struggled with cutting and she would talk to them if I wanted to see if we could become some sort of accountability partners or something. At the end of the summmer I e-mailed her and told her that I thought it would be nice to talk about cutting with someone who really knew what I was talking about. She told me she would try to get in contact with the person she was talking about and she also mentioned that it would be nice to talk about the whole thing in person as well. We still haven't gotten a chance to do that.

I just don't really know what to do and I am stressed, conflicted and feeling very out of control. All of these are things that are my triggers for self-harm.....................................but, at least for right now, I will be ok...

Emmy R.

September 7, 2009

Labor Day Weekend, Skillet-Awake, Poem

It has been a really long time since I last updated this blog. I have been at college for just over a week now and was gone to the northern part of the state this weekend to go camping with some friends and one of their family. I have really enjoyed spending time back at college. It has been great to reconnect with old friends and just spend time with them.

Anyways this weekend i went camping with my friends Jon, Jordan and Amanda and also Jordan's family. It was fun to spend some time outdoors and to just hang with my friends. It was a bit crazy. The first night, friday night, i spent at Jordan's house along with Amanda and Jon. For some reason on the drive to his house I was feeling really down. I was feeling really stressed too and just altogether not doing great. I really wanted to cut but I made it through the evening. The next morning we headed to the campground. When we got there we just hung out and went down the the lake (the campground was on a lake) where we took some pictures and just chilled. I also spent some time with Jordan's little sister who is adopted and she is just adorable and we became fast friends. That night we went to sleep (Jon, Jordan, Amanda and I in the same tent) and none of us slept very well because it was REALLY cold. Anyways the next morning we got up and Jon, Jordan and I went Canoeing with Jordan's family. Jordan's dad and a couple other relatives got really drunk which was highly amusing but also very weird since I have never been around that sort of thing before. Anyways the guys and i were all in the same canoe. It was really fun and we had a great time. After getting back from canoeing we had dinner and sat around the fire. **side note** Previous to going camping Amanda had told me and I had witnessed the very homophobic ways of Jon and Jordan which I am not very happy about. **end side note** A conversation somehow got started about homosexuality and I started to realize that Jordan's dad is even more homophobic than Jordan is. It was really wierd because since he was still drunk he also didn't really care what he was saying and was very blatant about his feelings. I was trying to talk in a civil matter about some of the things I have learned this past year and I would like to think that some of what I said made sense in his drunken homophobic mind but I doubt it. Anyways this conversation really got me thinking about my values and what sort of values I would like to see in a potential mate. **side note** i have had a crush on Jordan and Jon and varying different times throughout the past year and recently found out that one of them likes me back **end side note** During the "discussion" I was feeling a bit put down by so many of the others who did not agree with me and I almost felt ashamed. I was thinking about this (the discussion and the potential mate thing) on the car ride home and I wrote this down.

"I've spent too much of my life trying to be someone I'm not. Too much of my life caring about what other thingk about me. Too much of my life being walked on. I will not be another female who is afraid to stand up for herself. I will be strong and learn what I believe. I will voice my opinions even when other don't agree. -Emmy R. 9/6/09"

It was really freeing to think about that and actually be able to voice it through writing it down.

During the car ride we were listening to the new Skillet CD Awake (which is an absolutely amazing CD by the way) and some of the lyrics were really hitting me.

Skillet - Monster
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged, but I can’t control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it
It’s scratching at the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
I hide under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this? Make it end

Skillet - Sometimes
Sometimes I don't wanna be better
Sometimes I can't be
put back together
Sometimes I find it hard to believe
there's someone else who could be
Just as messed up as me

Those lyrics really hit me for some reason. I like them. The whole CD is amazing. Sometimes when you listen to a CD a certain song jumps out and the others are just ok...well this is not one of those CDs. I really liked all the songs all the way through.

During another part of the car ride I was just reflecting on what a hard time I had with not cutting the other day. I am sad that I still am struggling with it. I wrote this short little poem while I was processing that.

"I have scars that you can't see
scars that don't touch
the surface of my skin
scars taht are there
most through no fault of my own
I have scars that you can see
small almost invisible scars
lining the skin of my wrist
the scars you can't see
are the ones that hurt the most
when they were made
it may not make sense
but the scars that bled
and cover my wrist
healed the fastest
and hurt the least
some on the inside
are very old
and still have yet to heal"

I don't really like the end to this poem but nothing good was/is coming to mind, so this is all you get (:

I start classes tomorrow and I am sort of excited and sort of nervous. Also I plan to go to the counseling center and make an appointment to talk with someone soon. The other night was just way too close a call. Also I want to talk to them about possibly making a support group. Hopefully this will all work out.

Emmy R.