December 27, 2008

ranting and "The Shack"

ugg...I hate when I am frustrated and want to cut for stupid reasons!!!

I just got in a fight with my brother and I really want to cry. Why does something so stupid make me so frustrated and upset???

I almost want to just give in because I almost don't even care anymore. but there is still some lingering part of me that wants to give in and cut myself or do something. I am currently on my laptop and the fan thing is blowing out really hot air. I want to just leave my arm there and burn it (as I have done before on my leg on accident).

ugg...i hate that I even consider that as an option...I have been SI free for over a year now! How can i even consider giving in??? I feel so stupid!!! Why do i even struggle anymore???

If I were to go with what the "Bible tells me" then this is just satan poking at me and trying to get me to give in. but i don't know what I believe.

I am feeling a little better now that I have written this out, but I am not feeling completely better....*sigh*

Currently I am reading this book called "The Shack" by William P. Young it is pretty good and I can extremely relate to certain parts of it. The book (so far, I have just barely started reading it) is about a guy, Mack, who receives a letter from "Papa", his wife's name for God, asking him to meet him in the shack, the same shack his young daughter's bloody dress was found it after she had been kidnapped. He goes there and at first just encounters the shack. He starts to leave and it trudging back to his vehicle through the snow when all of a sudden the area around him starts to thaw and it is as if spring is happening in a matter of minutes. Anyways he heads back to the shack, which has now been transformed into a nice house, and is greeted by a large black woman (signifying God, also called Papa), a middle eastern, Arab-looking man (signifying Jesus), and a small Asian woman who seems to be fading in and out of sight (signifying the Holy Spirit).

I am now just beginning on a conversation between God/Papa/the large black woman and Mack. Mack has become unsure of if God can protect him, or anyone, since his daughter's kidnapping and murder. He doesn't understand how God could really care about anyone or protect anyone when he couldn't even protect his little daughter.

Well there is more to the story...details I have missed...some which are important and others which are not. Anyways, so far it has been a good read. Supposedly it is based off a true story but I am not sure about that, we'll see i guess.

Emmy R.

December 24, 2008

Home at last...long, long last

I didn't have internet access when I typed this out. So I am posting it now!

10:48pm 12/23/2008

So I finally arrived home yesterday. I had to deal with a flight cancellation because of the weather which left me stuck at school for a day and a half. Then my flight was delayed two hours which caused me to miss my connecting flight. Missing my connecting flight caused me to have to wait till the next morning to get another flight to go home. The hotel was great and gave me eighteen dollars in food vouchers and they also gave me a hotel voucher which let me say at a hotel near the airport for free since I was stuck there overnight. I got to the hotel and it turns out that I was put up in a suite! Amazing!!! There was a living area, a kitchenette, a queen sized bed, and a bathroom area. It was pretty cool! I was upset to be stuck and miss another day of my vacation, or rather spend another day traveling. I was supposed to come home on Friday afternoon but instead I didn’t get in till Sunday afternoon. In all I missed about two days. But alas, I am finally home!

It has been nice being home! I am really enjoying spending time with family and friends! I am going to go to the mall with my sisters and a friend tomorrow morning and then going for coffee with some other friends tomorrow afternoon. That will be a lot of fun I think! I haven’t seen my friends who I am going to coffee with for about four months.

I had a really weird dream last night. In my dream I was being blamed for throwing flowers in front of my church and stomping on them and saying some rude things about the church (I don’t know what they were). I knew distinctly that I had not actually done it. A news van was following me around (from ABC family, except that I don’t know if they even really do news). They were asking me all of these questions about why on earth I was saying these things about my church. I was also being blamed for doing the same thing to another church as well. I was so confused and upset because I knew that I hadn’t done these things and I didn’t understand why people didn’t believe me. One of the people who were speaking out against me was my principal from my high school (a really weird and possibly irrelevant fact). I ran into the building that I was closest to and tried to escape the news people. I was really upset and confused and was crying. I ran into a room, which was the guidance counselor’s office at my elementary/middle school, and tried to talk to the person who was sitting in the chair behind the desk. This person was my RA. I started pouring my heart out to her and asking her over and over again to believe me because I needed someone on my side. She kept on telling me that I must have done something wrong for all of these people to be so angry and upset with me. I got this feeling that she was staffed by my principal and that was why she didn’t believe me. I continued to beg her to believe me.

At this point the dream ends. My mom knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and my siblings and some other family members. I awoke very frustrated and annoyed.

I wish I knew how to psychoanalyze dreams. Normally my dreams, when I actually dream (which is rare), don’t really bother me. This one, though, has got me feeling really weird. I kind of feel like this is telling me that I can’t trust someone. But who can’t I trust? There are so many dynamics within the dream! There is my home church for instance, my high school principal/my high school, my RA/dorm staff/college/the people I trust in my life, counselors/therapists, I have no clue. Can anyone help me with this?

Change of subject. I am both excited and worried about some things that are going to be happening during my vacation. One thing in particular that I am worried about is that I really want to tell a friend of mine/youth group leader about my history of SI. I believe that I have mentioned before in this blog about how much she has helped me through my SI without even really knowing about it. I love her so much that I think it is going to be a hard thing to talk about. I trust her with all my heart and I really hope that this conversation with her will not be too hard. I also am debating about when I should tell her. I will only be able to see her for two days out of my vacation. The last two days of my break. I don’t know if I want to tell her on the first day we get to see each other, which is a Sunday, or on the next day. Sunday might be hard because it might be weird trying to find time to talk just us two. Then there is Monday, I don’t know if Monday will be right either because I don’t want to tell her and then leave it hanging there. I want to be able to discus it if need be. I also don’t really know how to even begin talking about this with her. I don’t know if I should begin by talking about when I first asked her to hold me accountable for ‘it’ or if I should just tell her and get it out there. I am just pretty confused about the whole thing and am not quite sure what to do. Anyone have any suggestions?

I am really looking for people’s input in this particular post. I don’t know if anyone even reads this besides my one follower but if you do please, please, please post a comment and let me know your thoughts!

Emmy R.

December 19, 2008

Stupid Weather

So I was supposed to fly home this morning/afternoon...but since it is snowing like crazy my flight was canceled and now I am rescheduled to fly home tomorrow evening at 5:00ish....ugg...

I am sad because now I will be missing some stuff I was going to do with my family. We were going to go to a thing at my church tonight and then we were going to go to a theme park tomorrow...but since I won't be getting in till way late tomorrow...I guess that isn't going to happen...*sigh* oh well

but that is all i have to say for now...I think I am going to just laze stuff...

Emmy R.

December 13, 2008

Loving Myself...and Exams

I came to the conclusion recently that I am finally in a place where I have learned to love myself. I don't know how or when it happened but it is an amazing feeling! For so long I have hated my body and my looks. For sure I know that my body is not perfect but I have come to accept it. Wow, this is a seriously good feeling.

I am feeling sick-ish from eating too much candy today...woops...LOL... Exams start tomorrow (or today since it is 12:40am-ish) My first exam is at 1:30pm. Not too bad. I am going to study for a little longer tonight and then I am going to go to bed and get up at 10am-ish tomorrow and study some more. Tomorrow's exam is Spanish, I suck in that class. But it is ok I can still pass the class even if I get a D- on the exam. Currently I have a C in the class. My goal is to get at least a C on the exam if not better. If I only pass the class then it won't transfer if I ever decide to transfer univeristies, but if i get a C- or better then it will transfer...

Anyways, my exam tomorrow is for Spanish, like I said and Spanish isn't exactly my forte...oh well...

I will let you know how it goes...

The rest of my exam schedule goes as follows:
Saturday: 1:30pm - Spanish
Sunday: no exams
Monday: no exams
Tuesday: 1:30pm - Philosophy
Wednesday: 9:00am - Biology
Thursday: 6:30pm - Social Work
Friday: no exams - I am flying home!!!!

Ok...time for me to quit being distracted and get a little more studying done!

Emmy R.

December 9, 2008

Right now I am reading "Till We Have Faces" by C.S. Lewis. I have to read it for my Philosophy class. I put off reading it till the last minute because I didn't want a whole bunch of God propaganda shoved down my throat...or into my eyes since I was reading it...

Anyways, It actually hasn't had to do anything with God that I have seen so far. I am about 1/3 of the way through it. I guess it is the retelling of a myth, and if I had bothered to read the rest of the title ("Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold") I would have realized that and maybe started on it a little earlier.

Anywho...I don't really have time to finish reading it tonight since it is almost 1am and I have class at 8:30am. But I have to finish reading it and then take an online quiz on it as well...

Well at least this is the last week of actual classes, and there is no class on Friday. But then come exams and I am not looking forward to those either.

Currently I am taking about 14 credit hours. I am taking Social Work (3 credit hours), Biology (3 credit hours), Philosophy (3 credit hours), Spanish (4 credit hours), and I had to take a 1 credit hour class called Prelude which is basically an introductory class to college life. There is no exam for Prelude which was only a half semester class. But I have exams in all four other subjects. I am coming very close to not passing all but Philosophy. If I don't pass Spanish and Social Work then that ruins my schedule for next semester...ugg...

But whatever...I should get back to reading "Till We Have Faces" or maybe just take the quiz and go to bed...

Emmy R.

December 8, 2008

just a blog...and a random one at that...

All I have done all day today is go to church this morning and then do some laundry and watch Harry Potter all afternoon (the movies were on abc family today) and then I just talked to my mom. Oh and I also just had a lovely conversation with my RA. I love her more and more each day!

I am thinking about telling my RA about my faith struggle. I would really like to tell someone, actually tell someone not just type it out, about my faith struggle. I want someone to tell me that they know how it is to be angry at God. How you hate Him so much yet you somehow believe that He could be a great God, but that you are just such a horrible person that He would never want you back. As I type out that last sentence I am crying, I didn't realize that is how I feel until now. I guess this typing out of my feelings is doing me some good. I don't know how the God I have been raised to see is so loving could ever love someone like me. Someone so stupid that they find comfort in a razorblade slicing open their skin. And something inside of me is telling me that there is no point in fighting the urges anymore. I hate myself for thinking that, and for almost believing it. I also consider how my RA will react to my telling her this, if I ever do decide to do so. Will she hug me and tell me that she has felt the same way? Will she reject me and tell me that I should never feel that way? Will she encourage me or knock me down?


OK I have calmed myself down a little now and I might be able to actually finish this blog...

I just don't know where on earth my life will be taking me from here. Sometimes I really truly believe that there is a God who cares but other times I just don't. And if there is a God, how much of what I have been taught to believe is actually true?

Oh dear...

Well I am off to read Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. I have to read it for my philosophy class. I am not quite sure why...
Perhaps I will write about what I think about it later...I have heard that it is an amazing book!

More to come later...sorry that this post is so random...starts out happy and then goes sad and then ends pretty fast...whatever...

I wrote a poem the other day...but I am not going to post it as of now...this one was just another poem about how much I wanted to self-harm the other day...I don't think I should relive those feelings right now...

Emmy R.

December 3, 2008

Missing My Family

So I am pretty sure that I have mentioned this before, but I am half way across the country right now at college. Today I got a package in the mail from my family. My siblings baked me some cookies and frosted them. One cookie says "I <3 you!" and has the names of my four siblings on it. I also got a letter from my brother who is 10. They made me cry since I haven't seen my family in almost 4 months and I won't see them till Christmas break. My brothers card said that he loves me and misses me and really wants to hang out when I get home. I can't wait!!!

The card and cookies made me cry. I haven't had a good cry in a long time and I was really overdue for one!

When I left for college I knew from the get-go that I was going to be far away from my family, and I sort of knew what to expect.

But one thing I definitely did not expect was how much I miss my family. I didn't think I would be homesick at all, but about a month into being here it kind of hit me that I wasn't going to see my family for another three months or so. Since then I have been homesick sporadically. I miss my family SO much and can't wait to go home and just spend some time with them. You know the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? This is definitely true in my case! I can't wait to go home and just chill with each of my siblings and spend time with each of them, and actually talk to them. I have taken my family for granted for way too long now, but since I haven't seen them for so long I am really beginning to see what I am missing.

I miss the late night chats and going shopping with my sisters. Chatting with my brothers and taking them to the mall. I am missing so much of their lives this year. My sisters are a sophomore and a senior and my brothers are in 5th and 6th grade. Man I can't wait to see them!

Emmy R.

December 1, 2008

Right now

I am feeling really stressed out! Tomorrow I have a spanish test, a lab practical, a two hour long movie which I am supposed to watch for my spanish class tonight, and a 8-10 page paper due! Also I am not ready at all for the end of the semester or finals!

Anyways, not a very long post for today, I am going to get some work done. I think I will just watch that movie some other time.

ok well writing that down made me feel a little better...

more later...probably not tonight...but I will post more later this week as the stress dies down a little bit...if it dies down...we still have to get through exams which start not this saturday but the following one....ugh...

Emmy R.

November 29, 2008

Thanksgiving Break

Right now I am on break for Thanksgiving. I am really enjoying being around family and just spending time with some family who I don't get to see very often (I am half way across the country at college). I ate a wonderful meal for Thanksgiving lunch and just really had a great time with all of my family.

I do, however, really miss my family and friends back home and can't wait to visit them for Christmas!

But I guess that is all I really have to say. Except the little note below.

Emmy R.

To: Rushing to the Cliff Edge
I don't know if you are going to continue to read my posts, Rushing to the Cliff Edge, but I just want you to know that I am sad that I am no longer able to post on you blogs, though if that is what you think you need to need to do that is fine. I would however love that I am able to still read your posts. Thank you for that! Also, feel free to continue posting on my blogs (if you wish to continue reading them) or if you like feel free to absolutely ignore them as well! Know that I harbor no hard feelings towards you and wish you the best with everything!

Emmy R.

November 24, 2008

My Spiritual Journey

My Spiritual Journey

I was raised in a Christian home and attended the same church of the Christian Reformed (CRC) denomination my whole life. I also attended a Christian school which was also associated with the CRC. I was taught the difference between right and wrong, and I was taught that I should love my enemy. I was taught to hate the sinner and love the sin. I memorized the Ten Commandments and too many Bible verses to count. I was raised to think that the only option was to believe in God and to believe in Him in the way that the Christian Reformed church taught me to. I was raised not having a choice but to attend church every Sunday morning and while I was growing up to attend again at night. As I grew up I began to attend youth group. I really enjoyed the whole idea of church while growing up. Sunday school and youth group were fun and I enjoyed them. I got to eat candy in church and draw on the children’s bulletins and sing the songs I had grown to love. I never had any reason to doubt, I didn’t even know it was possible to.

Growing up I had a neighborhood friend (denoted by K if you have read my self-harm testimony) who was not raised religiously. She came to church with us a few times and attended GEMS (Girls Everywhere Meeting their Savior) with me on a fairly regular basis. When we reached 7th grade, she started to change. She began to hang out with older kids especially guys. She began doing drugs and having sex with the guys she was hanging out with. She would tell me things which I didn’t understand since I had been raised in such a sheltered environment. The only way I knew how to deal with this was through grasping tightly on to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and asking Him to get me through this. I “grew closer” to God during this time and in 8th grade I made Profession of Faith in front of my church.

During 8th grade my friend moved away and I drew closer to the friends I had who attended the same school I did. I especially drew closer to my friends who I was in a Small Group with.

I began my freshman year looking for a fresh start. I kept my old friends but I also gained some new ones. The person I was closest to out of my new friends was P. She was an amazing friend and blessed me in so many ways. During the end of my freshman year she was diagnosed with a brain tumor which was found to be cancerous. I really struggled with her illness but I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I didn’t understand what was going on and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Throughout her 17 month battle against the cancer that was trying to defeat her I was very confused. I didn’t understand how the loving God that I believed in could let such an amazing person be so sick and in so much pain. I began to lose hope that God was who I had thought He was. During this time I began to turn away from God and towards another support that I found. I started to self-harm. I felt so out of control because of the things which were going on in my life and the self-harm was my way of gaining control back in my life.

During November of my junior year my friend, P, passed away. Once she passed away it seemed as though I had no hope anymore, and God seemed like a distant thing in my past. He seemed so untrustworthy and I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone like that. I drifted away from Him. I was very angry at him for letting my friend die despite all the heartfelt prayers for her healing, both mine and everyone else who loved her.

I am not exactly sure when, but at some point during the next few years there were several issues within my church. A senior pastor admitted to committing adultery (or something like that) and my youth pastor, the only pastor I ever even liked listening to, was ‘found guilty’ of something with money which he didn’t actually do. I discovered how hypocritical the church was and this whole thing just fueled the anger. I quit attending church. I would ride in the car with my family to the church and then ditch them and help take care of the kids in the nursery. (Caring for kids is my one true joy! I love kids so much!)

It has been 2 years since P passed away. I am not so angry at God as I once was. I have tried to reconcile with Him, but that faith just doesn’t seem to be there. I don’t really know how to believe anymore. I am trying though. Since I have arrived at college, a college which is associated with the CRC (don’t ask me why I chose to come here I really have no clue) I have attended more church services than I had in the last year back at home. I think I purposely decided to attend a Christian college because I wanted to acknowledge that maybe there is actually a God who does actually care. Right now I am just giving God a shot. I don’t know how this whole thing will turn out but we will see I guess.

Emmy R.

November 22, 2008

"Freckles" by Natasha Bedingfield

Ok just kidding. I am going to post another post right now. I just listened to one of my favorite songs that I haven't listened to in a while. I just love this song because it helps me remember that the things that I don't like about myself all of the time are still good things.

"Freckles" by Natasha Bedingfield

I used to
care so
much about what others think about
Almost didn't have a thought of my own
The slightest
would make me embark
on the journey of self doubt
But that was a while ago
This girl has got stronger
If I knew then what I know now
I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality
inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
Would the whole world fall at my feet?
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I still feel
like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself

That a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality
inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Reflecting who you are
Reflecting who you are
Whoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality
inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

"Anastasia" and some other tidbits

I am just about to watch Anastasia which I borrowed from my RA! I am so excited because I haven't seen Anastasia in forever! Anyways...I just felt like posting a random blog about it so here it goes. Plus I am trying to figure out how the whole picture thing works on the blogs. I have never uploaded a picture using the Blogger upload thing. I have put pictures up before but that is using the pictures with the html from photobucket.

Right now I am trying to figure out how to get the DVD to play on my computer. Normally when I try to watch DVD's the program just automatically pops up and it starts playing but for some reason this one is not doing that.

Oh and just an update. I talked to that friend who was fighting with and we sort of made up and we just talked about why she had been so mad at me. It turns out that she needed a break from me. You know how it gets when someone has a really strong personality and being around them too much can sometimes be troublesome? I guess that is all that really happened. She just chose to voice the fact that she needed a break through other means (like getting mad at me for stupid reasons). We talked and I asked her to tell me if something like that was happening and to just let me know next time when she needs a break. We also talked about our differences in opinion about different things and about how we can still get along and accept each other's different opinions.

So that is that. I guess that it is a good thing that we talked now. I don't know if our friendship will ever be as strong, but I guess this honesty could actually make is stronger, so who knows.

I might write more later. My RA left last night for a RA retreat that all of the RA's in my dorm are currently at. Before we left she told me that she felt that she didn't really know what was going on in my life right now and that we should talk when she got back. I believe that she is going to get back this afternoon/evening sometime so maybe we will talk about the whole thing with my friend since I need to let her know that that is all taken care of.

The other thing I want to talk to her about is about that girl who I was talking to the other day and I saw the scars on her arm. I know that they have talked a little and so I want to ask my RA if she has talked to anyone else about SI, I am not going to say her name or ask my RA to say anyone's name. I just want to know. I don't know if I will ever be able to talk to that girl since I barely know her but I guess that anything is possible!

So that is enough for now. I am going to figure out how to get this DVD to play right now.

Emmy R.

November 20, 2008

Lunch today

*note to readers* This is a poem I wrote today after encountering someone who has some similarities to me. I was shocked, not because of the scars I saw on her wrist, but because I didn't expect someone who did/does the same thing that I did to be so close to me. But anyways. Here is a poem I wrote today about the encounter with her that I had. *end note to readers*

Lunch today
I ate with a girl I've met before
We chatted
We laughed
She lives in my dorm
On the floor just below mine
I saw
Her wrist peeking out
From behind her sweatshirt
I was stunned
But I continued
To converse

I'm thinking
About this girl I barely know
One similar characteristic
We share
Outward injury
Inner hurt
I want to know
Her story
Are there other similarities
Between my story and hers?
Outward injuries
Inner hurt

And I digress

Emmy R.

November 19, 2008

Feelig a little blue

Feeling a little blue
Not sure what to do
I don’t want to sit still
I don’t want to move
I feel like I need a hug
Someone’s arms
Wrapped around me
But I don’t know who to ask
It’s weird, you see
Because if you know me
You’d know that
I don’t usually like physical touch
Normally I shy away
From kind hearted actions
Meant to
But lately
I yearn for touch
For love
For someone to just give me a hug
I know there are people
Who would love
To give me a hug
But I am not sure how to ask
Do I walk right up
And demand it?
Do I slowly inch closer
And whisper in their ear?
Do I start up a conversation
And hope they see the need?
Do I sit still and
Wish that they would come to me?
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know

Emmy R.

November 18, 2008

Irene by TobyMac

This is one of my favorite songs ever. It is written by a Christians rapper, though this song is not really rap but it is rather catchy. At this point in my life I am not sure if I believe that the Lord is going to answer my prayers, I am working on that part of my life. Anyways here is a video of the song along with the lyrics below it!

Emmy R.

Irene by TobyMac

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer

Last night you had a dream you was the homecoming queen
Today you're 18, happy birthday Irene
quit school you had to drop out to raise your little child
Doesn't seem to be anyone around
You've got to reach up to touch rock bottom
The powers that be keep you downtrodden
Daughter of Zion, I heard you prayer
Just cast your cares and please beware of snakes
They come in all shapes and sizes
Tempt you, put scales on your eye lids
Don't waste your sorrows
They'll give you strength tomorrow...tomorrow
Your Calvary's about to come so
Keep your head up, don't you ever let up
This storm will pass you'll be ready for the next one

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer

Irene, I carried you when you was to weak to walk
I took to you when you gave your heart to God
Faithful and true, that's what I'll always be to you
Believe in you, believe in Me and these mountains have to move
You have dreams and aspirations
I knew you before Creation
Your foundation's solid
I will give you a palace, restore your soul
You'll be up for any challenge
Many storms are on the way; better sharpen your faith
Count the cost, take up your Cross
And wear it everyday
Rest in me and I will give you strength
Blessed is she, Irene, who seeks my face

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer tonight

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Be alright
Be alright

(Yeah)Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger
than when I first believed yeah

(Yeah)Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger
than when I first believed yeah

I say hey little girl with the pressures of
the world on her shoulders
Don't say that it's over

I say hey little girl with the pressures of
the world on her shoulders
Don't say that it's over

I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there, so don't you fear

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer tonight
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer...

November 15, 2008

My Self-Harm Testimony

The first time I can remember harming myself was when I was a freshman in high school. One day I was really stressed out over something, I can't remember exactly what, but then all of a sudden I felt this relief and then when I looked down I saw that I had hurt myself on my arm. I was scared and didn’t know what I had done or why, but I liked the feeling that it gave me—calm, relieved—it was amazing how I felt. Somehow I knew right away that I needed to hide this, that it was wrong and that no one could know about it. So I wore a sweatshirt to school the next day. The hard part came when it was time for PE; I changed into my PE clothes and started worrying about how I was going to cover it up. I thought about just wearing my jacket but it was really hot out and so I couldn’t just wear my jacket. So instead I just made sure that my arm was against my body the whole time and that no one could see what I had done.

That was the first time, but it wouldn’t be the last. From then on I would hurt myself in whatever way I could to get that calm relieved feeling again. When I could control it I tried to be careful to not hurt myself in places that I couldn’t cover up. But sometimes I would be stressed out or angry or any other emotion that made me feel out of control and I would just all of a sudden look down and there would be a scratch across my arm, or a line of blood, that’s when I would just cover it up and no one ever even noticed, or if they did they never said anything about it.

During the end of my freshman year of high school my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. I was already dealing with the self-harm and this only made matters worse. When I first started harming myself it was just every once in a great while, but with her diagnosis my emotions were out of control most of the time and the harm became more frequent. Throughout the 17 months that she struggled against this disease I began to realize what I was doing and that there had to be a way to deal with these emotions in a more positive and healthy way. Much of my life I had used journaling as a way to express myself, but with the cutting I had no longer needed that outlet. I started journaling again with all my being. I poured my whole self onto those pages, and it helped me keep from harming myself most of the time, but there were still those times that I would lose control and look down to see a bleeding line across my wrist or thigh. Throughout my friend’s treatment there were many highs and lows in my life and I had dealt with them in the way that I had taught myself to—some through journaling and some through cutting. My friend passed away November of my Junior year, I had this feeling that my friend could look down at me from heaven and that she could see me cutting myself and I decided that I never wanted to let her see what I had been doing, I would stop, if not for myself then for her. I had never told her about my cutting, I hadn’t told anyone, and I didn’t want her to “find out” in this way. I stopped for a long time, the longest I had ever gone with out cutting. It was just over a year.

To give you the full story of my struggle I need to backtrack a little to my sophomore year. The summer before my sophomore year I met an amazing lady, L, who started working as a youth leader at my church. She and I became friends pretty soon and hung out a lot. She shared her testimony at youth group one night, she had been molested in junior high by a guy she was supposed to be able to trust, later in college she developed bulimia which was her way to stay calm, and gain control in her life. Once I heard her story I was so amazed that she did something similar to what I had been doing, I found my peace, my calm through hurting myself and she found hers through bulimia. Right away I knew that I needed to hear more of her story since it was so like mine. We had been hanging out with each other for a while at this time and I had been able to share with her some other things that were going on in my life and she had helped me get through a lot of stuff. Talking to her became a way that I could express myself and became another form of release. But the self-harm was still there, it was always there as a way out and sometimes I didn’t even want any other way out of it.

It was the summer after my sophomore year, I was at a church event called SERVE and I had met this girl there named A, when I first met her I saw the scars on her arms, when she caught me staring at them she told me that she used to cut herself and that that’s what the scars were from. This scared me a lot, I realized that I could get to the point where I would end up with scars and I really didn’t want to have scars, permanent reminders of what I had done to myself.

I started thinking and journaling about telling L because of the fact that I knew I needed to stop, I just couldn’t keep on doing this and A’s scars had proved that to me. So I talked to L and asked her if I could talk to her that night. She said yes and I should just come and find her. So that night I went to go find her and she was in a meeting with all of the leaders it ended up that the meeting went too late and we didn’t get a chance to talk. The next day we were at the beach with the group and she came up and hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I missed you last night.” I told her that I had missed her as well and we decided that we could hang out and talk that night. I went to find her later on that night and when I did we headed off together to go talk alone. I was really nervous about telling her because I knew that if anyone tells a youth leader about abuse, self-harm, or anything like that the leader is required by law to tell their parents. I definitely did not want my parents to know. So right off the bat I asked her if I could tell her something and she wouldn’t tell anyone. Of course she said that she couldn’t keep it a secret if anyone was hurting me (which I knew included myself). So I just got really quiet and sat there. She asked me if what she had said had changed what I was going to say. I nodded my head. She continued to ask me questions about what I had been going to tell her. It ended up that I just asked if she could keep me accountable for something. Through later times when we hung out she would ask me how I was doing with ‘it’. She just called it ‘it’ because she didn’t know what ‘it’ was. But she was able to hold me accountable all the same. This worked for a while, but I really couldn’t be completely open with her because she would have to tell my parents. Because I couldn’t be completely open with her I wasn’t able to express what was happening with me, she just knew what little I could tell her and what she had deduced from what sort of questions I had asked her about her past. But all in all it was really good for me to know that she would ask me how I was doing with ‘it’ and I would have to tell her whether things had been going well or not.

A couple months later my friend passed away and so I had already tried to stop with L helping as much as she could but after my friend passed away I made a commitment that I didn’t want her to ‘see’ me doing these things. So I was doing really great for a long while and then I messed up. Eventually my mess-ups got further and further apart and I ended going for about a year without harming myself. I was so happy to tell L that I had made it so far and at that point and I told her how long I had gone without doing ‘it’, she was so proud of me when I had been doing good. She was amazing! I later began to cut again, I never told L about it because I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. I looked up to her so much and just couldn’t stand the thought of her being disappointed in me. Like one time I was helping her clean up after helping out at the Junior High youth group and I had gotten some chocolate on my arm. L noticed the chocolate and was like what do you have on your arm? I only saw the healing cut on my arm and didn’t see the chocolate so I told her that I had the cat had scratched me. Little did I know that she hadn’t seen the scratch but rather the chocolate on my arm. When we realized we were talking about different things we laughed and I cleaned off the chocolate and we continued to clean up. The subject was over at the time I wrote this poem describing my feelings when she saw my arm.

I don’t know if I should tell you
You’re leaving tomorrow
And you’ll be gone for a few weeks
So I guess
I guess I have a while
To figure out what to say
When I had the chocolate on my
You asked “what is that”
It was so close
To the cut
And I thought that is what you meant
And I was almost relieved
That you’d caught me
But then you pointed at the chocolate
And I realized
You hadn’t caught me after all
And again I somehow felt
Because I can continue living
My L I F E
- excerpt from poem ‘I wonder’ by me

As of now I have stopped and do not want to start again. It is hard sometimes because I definitely still get these urges and sometimes I almost actually give in. I want to be able to deal with my frustrations and emotions in a healthier way than through cutting, I know that in my life cutting began to rule me, I started doing it because I could control it in a way that I could not control the emotions that ran rampant through my body. But in reality I couldn’t control it, it controlled me.

Now I am coming to a point in my life that I will be leaving home and going to college. I am excited to leave and become more of my own person but I am also sad to be leaving those that care about me the most. L has been an amazing person in my life and I don’t know what I will do without her. I know that I can make it through and that she will be only a phone call or e-mail away but it will still be hard to leave her when she has been such an amazing part of my life.

The above was mostly written 5-4-08. Some small changes made on 6-24-2008 and 11-10-2008.

Added below 8-20-2008 (some small changes 11-10-2008)

Recently I have realized that my story started earlier than when I actually started harming myself. I wanted to give you some more information about what happened before I started harming myself. This is some stuff that was before the beginning of my testimony that I have already typed out previously.

When I was in junior high I had my friends from school and my friends from my neighborhood. The friends from my neighborhood I hung out with as often as I possibly could. I had a friend named K who was one of my friends from my neighborhood. We hadn’t always been such good friends but since our other friend, Aimee, had moved away when we were nine we had grown much closer.

Anyways, in junior high, when we were about 12, K started to rebel. She had always been kind of rebellious but that year she started taking it a step further. She began to drink and smoke and have sex with guys, some much older than herself, she also began to do drugs.

When K started to do this it scared me, I didn’t know what to do. She would tell me things that I didn’t understand. I was raised in a Christian home, and very much sheltered my whole life, so I really didn’t know that anyone actually did those sort of things. When I was younger, I was taught that what she was doing was a sin and that it was wrong. I assumed that everyone had been told the same thing, so why was she doing something that she knew was wrong?

Throughout her rebellion I realized that the world was not as safe and perfect as I had thought it was. That was a huge realization for me and my world began to spin out of control. I now had to deal with a lot of stuff, both what K was doing and the fact that my whole worldview had changed practically overnight. I was so confused during this point in my life.

One night after K had told me in particular detail about what she had done with some guy the night before I went to my mom to try and talk to her about what was going on. You have to realize that I didn’t really talk to my mom about anything, especially about things as huge as this. When I went to talk to her I sat on the counter and just spit it out and told her what was going on. It was such a relief. What came next was completely unexpected. She flat out told me that my friend, my best friend, was lying to me, that she couldn’t be doing that and that I should just go to bed. So I did. But I knew that what K had told me was true.

But now, after I had told my mom my biggest secret, I felt so rejected. I never tried to tell her what was going on in my life again. My life continued to fly out of control. I didn’t know what to do. This was how my life went through 7th and half of 8th grade.
In 8th grade K’s habits had gotten worse. Eventually she was caught at her middle school with drugs on her (we didn’t go to the same school, she went to public school and I went to a Private Christian school in the next town). K was kicked out of her school and her parents decided to move her away to get her away from the drugs and to help her to stop using.

This was devastating! My best friend was moving far away. (Really only about an hour away, but to a 13 year old that is a long way.) I missed her a lot and now I didn’t have my best friend any more, of course she was only a phone call away but it was just not the same.

Well the move didn’t help and she found herself some new druggie friends and began to spiral downward again. The only difference was that now I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was going on with her, it seemed like she had forgotten me.

I don’t ever remember experimenting with self injury during this time in my life but this is definitely the time where I began to lose control. This is also the time when I began journaling was probably the one thing that kept me from self-harm.

November 13, 2008

Did she already know?

I have some things I would really like to talk to my RA about. I know I have told her about the self-harm, but for some reason I have this feeling that she already knew before I told her about it.

I have a theory as to why she would know, but to make that theory make sense I need to tell a story. A couple of weeks ago one of my friends and floormates' grandma died. When I found out about it I told my RA (not like i ran off and left my friend crying, but I happened to run into my RA later on that evening) my RA mentioned that it was good that she knew and that it is important for her to know these things so that she can help the people on the floor to the best of her abilities. She also mentioned that she had to tell our RD because it was also important for him to know that sort of thing so that he can know how best to serve our dorm.

Anyways I am now wondering what all that applies to. My RD was also the teacher of my Prelude class and for that class we had to write an autobiography, and in that autobiography I discussed my self-harm and it's impact on my life.

Also when I told my RA she asked me if my RD already knew about it and I told her that he did, in fact, already know about it. This also makes me think that she has to tell him that sort of stuff, and I wonder if the relationship works both ways, because if it does that means that she already knew about my self-harm before I told her.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole thing. I don't really like the fact that my story might have been told without my permission. I feel that this is almost an invasion of privacy, my story should be mine to tell or to not tell.

Well that is all for tonight. I am going to study for a Biology test tomorrow!

Emmy R.


So I just am in a picture mood today…and I wanted to show you some of my favorite pictures that I have saved up. Just a warning to some, though I am going to try my best to weed out the pictures that could be potentially triggering. I would never plan to put something up on my blog that might make someone want to harm themselves in any way (cutting, burning, eating disorders, etc.). If something I have posted (in this post or in any others) please let me know and I will take it down or put a warning on it or something!

Emmy R.

I just like these ones…

For the following two pictures I found the image and added the words…Just so everyone knows, these words just came into my head when I saw this picture and they really have nothing to do with how I am currently doing!

These next four are from one of my favorite movies: Girl, Interrupted

Photobucket Photobucket

These next five are from an organization that I really support! It is called To Write Love on Her Arms; you can go to their website ( and see the story behind the organization! Not all of the pictures are actually put out by the organization but some were made by fans of the organization.

November 10, 2008


So yesterday I found out that a friend of mine's mom had passed away that morning. I really don't know what to think about this. I love my friend's mom a TON! She was an amazing person! I don't think it has quite hit me yet though, I mean I cried when my mom called and told me, but i don't think it will truly hit me until I go back home. And it really sucks because I don't think I will get any closure because I am too far away to go home for the funeral.

In other news...

one of my friends is pissed off at me...for a reason that I feel is immature. I am really trying to not let it bug me but it is hard because I don't have that many friends here at college. I hate having friends who are always pessimistic and this friend is usually that way, sometimes it is understandable, but other times it just downright bugs me. Tonight she was having a really pessimistic attitude about a virus that is supposedly going around campus (there are no confirmed cases as of yet). She was like 'we are all going to die!' and I told her that we weren't...that it wasn't even confirmed and she went all apeshit and posted her facebook status as "HER NAME is annoyed with people who always tell her she's wrong... *cough* MY NAME *cough*... >:(" I mean is that really necessary? The only other time I have contradicted her (and I don't really know if it was even a contradiction) was when she was ranting on and on after the election about how our country was going to be screwed over by Obama. Now I didn't vote for Obama, but I still don't think that he is going to screw our country over. I find that in life when you have a pessimistic attitude about things those things tend to happen to you. For example if you are only expecting bad things from a future president you are going to watch him and every little mess up you are going to be like "See? What did I tell you?" Or another example, if you are freaking out about getting sick then you are probably going to look for even the slightest sniffle and be like “see I knew I would get sick”
So because of those things I try to have a positive attitude about everything (Though I do have my off moments like anyone else). I hate to have people mad at me but I am not going to apologize for this one though, I don’t feel that it is my fault. If anyone reads this, though I don’t think I have any readers, would you let me know what you think? Is this my fault? Or is she just being stupid about all of this?

Oh and a quick update…she is IMing me on facebook now…I am going to post our conversation word for word…

*begin IM*
Her: i'm sorry, but you keep telling me that i have no idea what i'm talking about.. we have the same thing that Hope does, no matter what the name of the virus is.. just don't come into my town and tell me that you know all about this school and the health department... i wouldn't do that if i went to cali...i've lived here for 19 years.. i think i know what i'm talking about.. and just b/c the health dept. hasn't confirmed it doesn't mean it's not here
Me: look i am over this and i don't want to discuss this...if you want to be pessimistic about everything in this world...I choose to have a more positive outlook on choose whatever you want to...
Her: don't be pissed at me... this outburst from me has been coming for a long time.. you people come into MY backyard and tell me that I'm doing everythign wrong.. i don't say "soda", or i say "pop" wrong, or i do everything else differently.. well guess what? you came here... not my problem that we're different than it was where you came from... i'm getting really sick of being ragged on b/c i say things differently.. you came to Michigan; i didn't go to California, so deal with it
Me: ok know what? if you want us to stop then please ask us is an important guys bug me about things that i say as well...just because I come from california doesn't make it all of a sudden ok...but you know what...I don't mind...if i did then I would let you know...I would tell you to your face...
Her: all i ask is that when you're on MY turf, don't make fun of me. you chose to come here, and you knew that cultural differences were something you were gonna have to deal with. and the only reason i'm not telling you to your face is because i don't want to get sick and yelling at you isn't worth it. and yes, if i want to be pessimistic, i'm damn well gonna be pessimistic..
Me: ok fine...I am done with this go be pessimistic by yourself...I don't need that in my life right now...i had enough "friends" in my life before that screwed me over and if you don't want to be a good friend to me then I am not even going to mess with it...I am done...I am not going to back down an be weak like I have always done in the past...good night...and good bye...if you still want to be friends then let me know but it doesn't sound like you even like me very much...if that is the case...I am done...
Her: sounds good
*end IM*

well there you have it folks…we’re no longer friends…oh well…

I just don’t care anymore…

-Emmy R.

November 5, 2008

I told her...

So last night my RA came in my dorm room to have a discussion with my roommate and I about the guidelines we set up at the beginning of the year. We had to discus weather the guidelines were still what we wanted to be going by or if we needed to change any of our "rules" because of issues we have had so far. Anyways while we were talking my RA brought up the fact that my roommate is gone most weekends, she mentioned how that could possibly make me lonely. I believe that she was possibly referring to when I came in her room the other day on the weekend and I wanted to just be with someone (more on that later) so I asked her as she was leaving if I could stop by later to talk, and she said "Of course!" I also asked her what time Give me a Break (our study break in her room where we watch an episode of friends) was.

Later I went to her room for Give me a Break along with a few other girls from our floor. We watched friends and after she asked me to stay so we could discuss our biology assignment. After we had talked about biology she asked me if I wanted to talk then, I told her no but that I would come by later to talk.

Later I went to her room to see if she was there and could chat for a while. I told her that I wanted to talk about what she had mentioned earlier, about how I could be getting lonely over the weekends. I told her that I wasn't lonely when I came in the other night, but that I just needed to be around someone. I told her that I was really stressed out and that stress is sort of a trigger for me because I used to self-harm.

She looked at me and told me that she was really proud of me for coming to be with her and not just sitting by myself and trying to keep from cutting myself by myself. She told me over and over how proud she was and how happy she was that I had come to her instead of just going through it on my own.

Then she started asking me questions about why I had started self-harming. I told her about my friend in junior high who was having sex and doing drugs and about my friend who was diagnosed with cancer during my freshman year. I told her how hard those things were and how I felt out of control and the self injury became something I could "control" and it helped me to deal with the things going on in my life. She then asked me what had triggered it specifically that night. I told her that I honestly don't know what triggered it that night, and that I was mainly just feeling stressed out.

She continued to ask me questions about my self-harm and she told me about a friend of hers who self-harms and who cannot stop. She asked me about some of the things I had mentioned to her earlier during the semester. Like for example she asked about why I had said before that it was hard to tell people because I was afraid that they would judge me because there are so many misconceptions about self-harm and we also talked about a few other things.

She told me that she is not going to judge me for what I have done. I guess it kind of helps that she has taken a few classes in Psychology and that is currently her major as well. She started to tell me some stuff that made me smile, a whole list of other ways she will "judge" me, like how I am from a very cool place and a culture that she really wants to visit and how I have never experienced a real winter and I am going to freeze my butt off this winter. She made me really happy and made me think that I can tell people about this. She gave me hope in humanity. Hope that people won't automatically judge me, and hope that there are people worth trusting with your secrets.

Hope. What a simple four letter word. But it really isn't so simple. I have spent too much time not knowing what I can and can't hope in. I still don't understand hope, but I am learning more and more each day. The childish hope I used to have was torn from under my feet time and time again. Just as I would start to hope again there it went. Gone. Another simple four letter word. But this one is really simple. Hope. Is. Gone. That is what I felt for so long. I am starting to see a glimmer in the future. I am starting to hope again.

My next goal: God. I don't think he has been mentioned in anything that I have written thus far. There is a reason for that, you see, I don't know what I believe about Him anymore. As a child I had such a child-like faith. I was never really even given any other options besides to believe. When I went through the thing with my friend in junior high I tried to grasp tightly to God, at the time I believed that if God could get me through that he could get me through anything. I made profession of faith during eighth grade because I was basically on what I would consider a "faith high". When my friend was diagnosed with cancer at the end of my freshman year, and the things that had happened leading up to her diagnosis, I sort of lost control and I didn't understand what was going on, that is when my self harm started. I hated God at that point and blamed him for my friend's illness, and I guess in a sense that I still do. It is something that I have been trying to break through for a while now. I just don't know how to believe anymore since I have been angry at Him for so long now, I don't even know if I believe that he exists anymore.

Anyways...enough of my ranting for tonight...I am going to take a short nap and then go get Breakfast Replacement and then do my homework.

Emmy R.

November 4, 2008

Tell you

*note to reader* The words within the brackets like these [ ] are saying the same thing as the line above it. I am using a style of poetry that I learned in high school that I really enjoy writing from time to time. I don’t know if I like these extra lines included or if I might just take them out. *end note to reader*

Tell you
Things (objects? No)
Stories, truths, events
My (contained) life
[Contained within my life]
Happening or happened
Tearing . . me . . a . p . a . r . t
[Bubbles surrounding me]
Keeping evil influences out
-POP- as I arrive
Not understanding what I believe
(Or why)
Previously Protected
Hidden from true choices
Currently Curious
About my new found freedom
Questioning Qualities
Which I once held true
Purposeful Pain
Searching throughout my life
Hunting for Healing
Learning how to grow
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Stories Spill
Loosening Lips
Trying To Tell
My stories

Won't you listen?

You talk and you talk
And you say you’re there to listen
But are you?
I can barely get a word in
I try to fit between your words
But I can hardly find room
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
There are things I would like
To tell you
Questions I would like
To ask you
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
I love to listen
To hear what you have to say
And to spend time with you
But sometimes I need to be heard too
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
Is it maybe
My fault
Because I don’t voice
That I want to be heard?
You talk and you talk
(I don’t and I don’t)
And say you’re there to listen
(I don’t tell you I need you to)
But are you?
(Or am I just not talking?)

November 1, 2008

The Past While

So I have been meaning to update this thing...

Things have been going pretty good this past little while. I was though really struggling last weekend, I was stressing myself by over thinking and I came so close to messing up. I am lucky, though, that I have such an amazing RA. She let me hang out in her room and just sit there while she did her homework and I just watched Sleepless in Seattle. I really needed to be around someone or I don't know if I would have made it without harming myself. While I was in there I was just sitting on her couch and hugging a pillow to my chest. She asked me why I was so quiet, and I didn't really tell her much. I think that I can trust her though, I think I will tell her sometime soon, but I am not completely sure.

Anyways, I might update more later...or if anything eventful happens this weekend...but I don't know...for now, though, I need to sleep. It is 4 am...I watched 3 movies tonight...the grudge, the birds, and school of rock...but goodnight...

Emmy R.

October 23, 2008

my day got better

ok my day got a little better when I got my midterm back from my Philosophy class. I got an A- so woot for that...

anyways, I had another appointment with at the counseling center at my college. Basically we just talked about my long term goals and he told me that we probably don't need to meet any more. So I guess that is that. I am done now. But I think that I got everything done there that I needed to get done. I think that I am going to be able to tell *name removed for privacy* when I get back home for Christmas break, well not right away but when she is around (because right around the time when I leave from college she arrives where the college is because that is where her family is...). But we will be able to talk when she gets back to where she currently lives and where I grew up.

Anyways...I guess that is all for now...


Right now I just got back from my first class this morning and I am about to take a nap. I want to say though that I am really frustrated right now. I am not doing very good right now in my classes, especially on tests. I just got my Social Work Midterm back and i got a D- on it...not good...

but ya, basically I am just frustrated because, though I am enjoying college and try to stay on task I just don't seem to be able to stay on task. But I am getting a tutor for my Biology Class so hopefully that will help with that.

Anyways, time for a quick nap before my next class...

Emmy R.

October 20, 2008

A note to my RA

*note to readers*so I am not really sure if this blog thing will continue to be an almost every day thing, but I wrote another poem today.*end note to readers*

Should I tell you?
I don't know
I think I will
But when?
You are always so busy
With homework
And everything else
(And I understand)
I go over there
Usually just to say hi
But sometimes I really want
To just talk
The other day I came
And watched “Legally Blonde”
Then, after, you asked me
If I had made another appointment
At *college counseling center*
I haven’t, and I told you so
I told you that I wasn’t sure
If I really should go back
I know the last time was great
And I felt really good after
But this time could be different
I just don’t know
You encouraged me
To make another appointment
And I might this coming week
I am pretty sure I will
But also
I want to talk to you
You seem like you would understand
But I’m not sure how
To start the conversation
Or even what I’d say

October 19, 2008

"The Bridge"

I don't really know what I want to do with this page, I started off with just wanting to be a place for me to post my poems, but I am not sure now. I don't really want this to be just a blog either though. Like I said, I have no clue what I want. But right now I just want to write about a documentary that I went to last night. The documentary is called "The Bridge"

*taken from the website*
The documentary was very interesting, I went with my RA, one of the sophomores from my floor and a couple of people who my RA invited to come along with us. The documentary was very touching and it really made me think. I wonder how many people we walk by or stop and talk to each day who are contemplating suicide, or feeling depressed, there has got to be a lot. Anyways this post isn't going to be mainly about that, though it was what let up to what we were talking about on our walk back. On our way back from the documentary my RA was talking to one of her friends, another RA from a different floor, and was talking about how we had had a movie night in the lobby and hadn't known what movie to watch and she said that one of the guy RA's from our building had told her that she should play "Wristcutters: A Love Story" ( because he thought it was so funny. She had decided against it, because she didn't feel that the movie was a good one to play (which I am so thankful for). She was talking to her friend and was telling her about how one of her friends actually "does that" so that is partially why she didn't feel comfortable with the movie.

But anyways, I am thinking now that I may just be able to talk to her, she has someone who she calls a friend who harms themself. Maybe she understands. This really made me excited because now I feel more comfortable telling her.

Anyways I should go work on my paper and studying for my test.

Emmy R.

October 18, 2008

some poetry from today

*note to readers* so I am feeling a little stressed out today, I have a paper due wednesday and a test on monday, and I am also stressing about other things. Let me give you a little background to these poems, not this past week but the week before I made an appointment at the counseling center at my college because I want to learn how to talk about my history of SI with other people. I just want to learn to tell my story. My RA has been to some counseling sessions at this place as well and she is kind of the one who encouraged me to go (she mentioned one day that she was going there and i asked her about it so that is why she knows that I am going) anyways, I am not sure if i want to go back, though she is encouraging me to go, but it is really a very scary concept. I am off to dinner now, later! *end note to readers*

About what I have done
And what others would think about it
If they knew
I went to a counseling appointment
Because I want to learn how to tell my story
I want to be able to help others
Through their own suffering
By telling them about mine
My parents would freak
I am sure about that
What would everyone else think?
Would they agree?
Would they call me a psycho?
Maybe I am a psycho,
But I’m not,
I have stopped
But was I?
Was I a psycho?
Was I a psycho for doing
What I did?
Or did I only do it out of necessity?
I have no idea…
I have no idea…
I have no idea…

*name of my RA, removed for privacy*,
I want to tell you why
Why I really haven’t made the appointment
To go back to *name of the counseling center at my College*
I am scared
Scared so much!
This guy, a stranger
I told him so much about myself
If I make another appointment
When I arrive I am scared they
Will call a cab
To take me to the loony bin
Because who does what I did?
Cuts themselves to rid themselves of pain
I must be psycho
I know I must be right

He didn’t treat me like a psycho
He treated me with a ton of respect
He acted like he understood
He never called me crazy
So why should I be scared
That it would change if I go again?
I am scared because…
What if it does change
What if he had a change of heart
And decided that I am a crazy person

I make myself crazy by worrying about this
It felt so good to release
To tell someone the things
Which I have held buried inside me
The fact that I used to harm myself
To deal with the things going on in my life
I wanted, needed, a physical pain to help me cope
With the emotional pain
Which I didn’t know how to express

I just get so nervous,
He is a stranger
I have no clue who he is
And all he knows about me is what I tell him
He doesn’t know anything else
And to tell him would take forever

But if I were to tell you, *name of my RA, removed for privacy*
I don’t know how you’d react
You have told me
That you are here to listen
And that you won’t judge
But what I have done is something
That so many people already have their judgments about
What if you already have judgments that you have made
About cutters
And then I tell you,
And your judgments surface
And you just don't understand
You don't care to
Because of your preconceived notions
I love you already; you are such an amazing person
I don’t know if I could deal with that

I just don’t know.
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

October 15, 2008


So I was bored, and I decided to go through my photobucket account and post some of my favorite things that I have saved on it.










So there you go, a whole bunch of pictures…

Oh and just so you know…I never know when I am going to be writing a new poem…many times poems just bubble out of me, and I can never really chose when I want to write one, at least not a very good one. But I might go through more older poems and type them out some day when I have more time…

Emmy R.

October 14, 2008

I Wonder

*note to readers*
I am not sure when this was written, it was just on a random sheet of paper that I found in the back of one of my journals...
*end note to readers*

I wonder
If I told you
About the stupid decision
I made
How would you react
To the fact that I did it
When I said I wouldn’t
Would you be hurt?
Would you be angry?
Would you speak to me again?
Would you grab me
And hug me
And tell me it will be okay?
Or would you
Look at me in disgust?

I don’t know if I should tell you
You’re leaving tomorrow
And you’ll be gone for a few weeks
So I guess
I guess I have a while
To figure out what to say
When I had the chocolate on my
You asked “what is that”
It was so close
To the cut
And I thought that is what you meant
And I was almost relieved
That you’d caught me
But then you pointed at the chocolate
And I realized
You hadn’t caught me after all
And again I somehow felt
Because I can continue living
My L I F E

To tell or not to tell
That is the question

My Writing

*note to readers*
This is another poem that I have no clue when it was written, I believe that this one was within the last year.
*end note to readers*

My writing
Is a way
For me to understand
What’s going on in my life
A way for me
Organize my thoughts
When that privacy is
I lose myself
My one thing I can call my own
From me
My words,
They are mine
Why can others not understand
Some things that are written
Aren’t meant to be read
Except by the writer
The written word
Is so powerful
Sometimes when I write
The words are caught with the moment:
Deep, rich words,
Full of anger
Full of lust
Full of joy
The words hold only truth
But the truth
Held in emotion
Fleeting by
And then it’s gone
And all that’s left is the words

If others read them
They won’t understand
They’ll take the words literally
Instead of just as emotions
The words can cause worry
When none is necessary
And scare
With no reason

September 18, 2008

A Battle

*Note to my readers...just in case anyone actually reads any of this*
This poem was written fairly recently, as you can probably see from the date this was written on. I was having a rough day and the concept of just going back to self-harm seemed so wonderful and it seemed like it would make my world so much better. It was a hard battle but I did not end up harming myself (which I mention in the second part of the poem). I am very proud of the fact that it was hard but I made it.
*end note to readers*

I sit
I imagine
Sharp, silver blade
Blue veins showing
Through my pale skin
Silver presses against white
And makes red
The lovely crimson red of blood
And I imagine
The relief I would feel
The rush of it over my whole body
My problems would melt away

But no
I won’t
I don’t need it anymore
I have better ways to deal
I won’t
I don’t need it anymore
I don’t need it anymore
I don’t need it anymore

June 7, 2008

Rampant Emotion

Rampant emotion
Completely out of control
Unstoppable, it seems to be
Running unchecked
Through my soul
Causing extensive damage
Irreparable, it might seem
In a wild storm,
Damaging everything
Rampant emotion

May 8, 2008


Where are they

Are they found in the
Surface relationships
Of the people
We randomly meet

Are they found in the
That attend
The same school as us

Are they found in the
Who we
Sometimes call
Our friends

Are they found in the

I never finished this poem...and I have no clue where to go from here...

May 7, 2008


*note to readers*
This poem was written during part of the healing process from the SI. I kind of wrote about my pattern and what I would do. Some of this is exactly what I did while some of it comes from friends stories.
*end note to readers*

The razor blade
With a will of its own
The skin
The blood
Through the space
Down my arm

I watch
But it is not my arm
You see
It’s not mine,
Not until the pain comes

Then the arm becomes mine
And I realize what I have done
The blood flows
I quickly grab some
Toilet paper
And press it against my skin
The toilet paper turns red with my blood
But I am alive
I know this…
I know this because
Dead people don’t bleed
The bleeding slows
I remove the toilet paper
I begin cleaning the wound
I’ve done this nearly every time
I’m no even sure for how long

Good it’s clean
Now for the gauze and tape
And on top of that the wristband
No one will ever know
Now there is relief
All I have to do is press on it
But dead people don’t feel pain
And that is all I need to know
--for now

March 14, 2008

A Rant

I am so confused…
A friend telling me things
That I am not sure if I want to know
She comes to school stoned
And tells me about the
Bowls (of pot)
That she smokes
And the
Boats (of ecstasy)
That are going to be at the party
Then she tells me
About a prank she is going to pull
She says she is going to tell this guy
That she is pregnant with his kid
And just use it to play a practical joke
And then she
That she was pregnant
And had a miscarriage
And then…
She says she’s been pregnant
What do I believe?
I just don’t know…
I am so confused
How do I deal with a friend like this?
I just don’t know…
Is she making it up?
Or telling the truth
Why did she never tell me about the miscarriages before?
And I don’t know what to do
Because I really care about her
And I don’t want to see her doing these things
But I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to stop her
Tears come to my eyes
As I think about her
The things
That she’s gone through
(If she’s telling the truth)

A scary thing
Is that sometimes I want to join her
I want to…
Be with her at these parties
I want to smoke a joint with her
Just once…
I want to know how it makes me feel
I want to know why she does these things
I want to be able to understand where she’s coming from
But at the same time I don’t ever want to do what she’s doing

I am so confused
And I will say it again
I am so confused
I am so confused
I am so…
And you’ve probably heard it enough
But it’s the truth
I don’t know how to deal with this
I don’t understand
Why she feels the need to do these things
(I couldn’t with *name ommited for privacy* either)
At least I know now
What she’s doing
And can understand
The physical part of it
But I have no clue
What’s going on in her mind
I just don’t understand
And I wish I could
Even just a little bit

And I wonder if it’s possible
To know
Even though I don’t
Truly understand
I’ve never been in her place
Never had someone
Hurt me
In such a horrible way
But if I had
Would I choose to try
To block all those memories out
And fill my life with
Meaningless things
To push those horrible memories
Out of my head

But for now I am stuck
Not knowing
Not understanding
And remaining confused

So maybe I will talk to some people
Maybe I will get some advice
From *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Maybe they will be able to help me

As of now
I feel
And absolutely

some changes May 5, 2008