June 20, 2010

Sorry i have not updated in a while...i have been busy and just not felt like writing at all...

I have been doing a little too much thinking lately...or rather tonight....
I should probably start at the beginning...

Today I went to a childhood friend's baby shower. We have known each other forever (since we were like 3 or 4) and grew up in the same neighborhood until she moved when we were in 8th grade because of some issues she was having (hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing drugs and so much more). But I went to her shower and before that we were shopping for a baby gift (my mom and one of my sisters and I). My mom kept making remarks through the shopping and car ride to my friend's mom's house. She was talking about how my friend did things in the wrong order (had sex, got pregnant, got married) instead of the right way (got married, had sex, got pregnant). I was like sometimes things just happen, and she was like well you can stop those things from happening. I get so frustrated by my mom's close-mindedness sometimes. It is not like she purposely got pregnant. I mean my mom just views it like everyone should just be a perfect christian and not have sex and she says it like it is the easiest thing in the world. Maybe she had an easy time with it (I do NOT want to even think about my mom with a sex drive, but seeing as I am one of five kids...). Idk my mom just seems to judge everyone lately, my friend whose shower I went to is just one of 2 friends of mine who have gotten pregnant/had a kid before they were married. She is just being so judgmental. I still wonder what it would be like to have a mom who I could confide in. I wish I had a mother figure of some sort I could just talk to, who would not judge me for the things I do.

It hurts a lot to have my mom judge strangers on their lifestyle choices. I used to think that if I ever got pregnant outside of marriage (which, lets face it, is not on the near horizon, seeing as I am 20 and have been on one date, never had a boyfriend and never even been kissed) that she would support me, but I highly doubt it, if I ever got pregnant I would have to hide it from my parents and adopt the baby out or get an abortion (which i couldn't do because I am personally against abortion, though i also believe it should be the woman's choice). I know now more than ever that my mother would never forgive me and would judge me harshly for having sex and getting pregnant. I think that once I am out of college and have a job and on my own insurance I want to get on birth control of some kind just so that I can have a safety net in place if I ever were to have sex...

wow...i am just really frustrated with the whole situation...i am just a type of person who is accepting of other people no matter what. I try my hardest not to judge because it is not my place to, and often i have begun to see my levels of what I accept to have risen above what they used to be. Like I now see more and more the difference between Gender and Sex and also the whole gender continuum and now I accept the gender continuum a lot more than I used to...


I am rambling now...so i should probably go to bed so i can sleep off my frustration...i think what frusturates myself the most is that I really truly do NOT want to become that judgmental person...and I heard myself say something that could have come off as judgmental today to my friend, but i did not mean it that way i think my mom does not always mean it that way, but sometimes it comes out that way...


bye now...

Emmy R.