May 26, 2009
it seems that you have completely gotten rid of your blog...it makes me somewhat sad to see that but i understand how you feel about it being more of a bind...so it is ok...I would, however like to keep in contact with you during your trip to poland and such...do you think it would be ok to trade e-mails? You could comment it and I would not post it...
also...that website with the t-shirts you showed me...funny...I don't think I will order one since I am not sure i am an atheist...i think i still believe in god...but i just don't know if he really cares...like I just don't know if he is really the god that the christian bible makes him out to be....does that make sense? I guess I am just not ready to give up on someone who I have been taught my whole life to believe in...i don't know if that makes any sense either...
anywho...here is the shirt i would get if I were to choose one...(http://www.thearrogantatheist.com/womensinvis.html)
Ok update time!
I made it home this past wednesday late at night and left on thursday afternoon for a weekend of concerts and fun times...they were christian concerts by some christian artists...but they were still rather good...and I mainly went to bands which weren't really preachy with their music...like for example not worship songs and the like...but ya...it was fun...I just got home earlier this afternoon and spend the remainder of memorial day with my family and also with a couple of the girls I was a leader to for the junior high youth group at my church (i was a leader there for like 3 years and these were some of the girls I became close to)...
Anyways...my exams before that went fairly well as far as i know...the grades are not posted online yet though...
in the morning I am going to drive my brothers to school and then go shopping for jeans and also looking around at some cameras...
I suppose I should get to bed since it is 10:30 and I need to be up by 6:30ish...
perhaps I will add more later!
May 17, 2009
My RA comes to my room
she tells me
she wants to
catch up on something
we talked about
at the beginning of the year
she asks me
"have you struggled with
what we talked about before
during this semester?"
my mind was freaking out...
but I told the truth
I told her
that I had
She asked me
"were you just tempted,
or did you cut yourself?"
a harder question
but I was still honest
"yes, i messed up"
"when did this happen?"
"recently? or a while ago?"
"at the beginning of the semester and during interim"
hanging my head
"was it like a one time thing?
or were you doing it on a daily basis?"
"it wasn't on a daily basis
but more than just once..."
i carefully answered
"do you know what triggered it?"
"i was having memories of my friend paige
i didn't want to deal with it so..."
then I trailed off...
and looked me in the eyes...
"I went to *name of school's counseling center*"
"good for you!
I am proud that you made that decision"
"It was really nice
because I found out that
they don't have to tell anyone
about this sort of stuff"
I looked at her
"do you have any
idea what you will do
if you are triggered?
do you have anyone you can
talk to about this?"
she asked me
i deferred and began
talking about the things
I can do to distract myself
"em, can you talk
to anyone at home
I averted my gaze
I wouldn't let her
look me in the eyes
I slowly replied
"no one knows about it"
i looked down at the ground...
Em, I want you to know
you can call me anytime this summer
not as your former RA
but as a friend"
we looked each other in the eyes
Okay so it was a good conversation...(though it looks sort of stupid in blog form)...and I am glad it happened....
2 exams done...and 2 more to go...i have one tomorrow (monday) at 1:30pm and one on wednesday at 9am...fun stuff...i still have a TON of packing to do...and my room looks as though a tornado hit it...
I got to go study for my spanish exam...later!
May 15, 2009
***WARNING!*** The following poem contains very poignant references to self-harm. If you are triggered by
things like this please DO NOT read!!!
I just wrote this poem this afternoon, I was reading a booklet that my college puts out which features artwork and writing by students and was impressed by the personification of objects in some of the poems in the booklet. As I was heading back to my dorm the first few lines of this poem (more or less) came to my mind and thus this poem was started. Again I would like to warn any one who reads this blog that they should not read this poem because it could trigger them. Read at your own risk. Last think I would like to mention is that, though I am currently self-harm free (not sure how long it has been though) the backing for this poem comes from my own experiences with self-harm. Not everyone will find this poem to put into words their own feelings of self-harm.
My sharp, silvery seductress
Calls to me from the bathroom.
She tells me I should shower with her,
Bathe myself in the blood she brings,
So that in the end I can be clean.
Seems too much.
The skin of my arm tingles,
Ready, willing to accept
My seductress past is surface,
Biting into the flesh
And tearing through to the blood.
My mind swims with memories
Of those intimate moments
Between my seductress and I.
A lonely sort of dance
Only existing between
My seductress and my skin.
She reminds me
Of the relief she brings.
And my stressed out,
Wants to say
To her offer,
To delve into her promised relief.
Somewhere, through the thick mist of her promise
I remember the time before,
The last time my seductress seduced.
The relief she promised
It was fleeting
Gone in an instant.
She left me,
With wounds that needed caring for.
Worth the short lived relief?
I wasn’t sure…
But her voice wasn’t leaving
She called out again
Inviting me to the bathroom,
My legs stretch out,
Move me toward the bathroom
Though my mind is telling them to stop.
My seductress whispers in my ear
You decided to join me.
I knew you would.
And slowly, my mind slips away
Enveloped by the intimacy
Of seductress and skin.
May 13, 2009
i guess I should not complain because this is the first time i have been really sick all school year...but still it is annoying...especially since exams are starting soon!
Anyways...i have been getting pretty stressed lately and especially tonight...my roommate rearranged our room so it is how it needs to be when we leave...it took us approximately 5 hours just to move a bunch of furniture around...and after moving stuff around I am realizing that I still have SO much more do to in the approximately 8 days I have left before i go home...augh!!!
I need to pack up all my crap, deciding what I want to take home with me and what I want to leave in the basement of my dorm...I have SO much stuff to go through and pack...
Also exams start on friday which is stressing me out as well!
I am, however, happy that it is almost time for me to head home! I am so excited to see my family again!!!
I also am happy that I am still cut-free...with the stress of the end of the school year it hasn't been easy but I have been doing good...
time to head to bed and get some sleep...
May 12, 2009
but I wanted to give a quick update...
Currently I have only today and tomorrow left of actual classes...then I have Thursday off...and Friday starts exams...
I have one exam on Friday, for my Social Work class @1:30pm
I have one exam on Saturday for my Religion/Theology class @9am
I have one exam on Monday for my Spanish class @1:30pm
I have one exam on Wednesday for my Psychology class @9am
Then I fly home Wednesday afternoon at around 4:30pm
YAY I can't wait to go home!!!!!
It is going to be one busy week...
I am also working on trying to find some classes to take this summer at some community colleges in my area...sort of stressful...
Ok perhaps more later about how I am actually doing...but for now I need to get to class!!!
May 9, 2009
along with a picture of part of a poem I wrote...
I don't need it anymore
I have other ways
better ways to deal
I don't need it anymore
I don't need it anymore
I don't need it anymore
Here is the link to the whole poem...
May 7, 2009
I have recently found this amazing account on flickr.
ashley rose, is the username...
wonderful pictures! several have really affected me...
this one i am sharing just because it is one of the ones i like, but there were SO many great ones to choose from...
(I have my own flickr account...i have been debating weather or not to share it on here...what do you think? do you want to see it? there is not much there, but there are some semi decent pictures...but also some HORRIBLE ones...)
One last thought...I talked to my dad on the phone tonight and asked what he thought about me getting just money for my birthday (it's coming up soon, i'll be 19) so that I can purchase a really nice digital SLR camera and at least one lens perhaps more...my dad said he thought it would be a good idea and he would mention the money thing to some of the other relatives at home...I also asked my mom what she thought and she said that it sounded like a practical thing to ask for money rather than for gifts...but she wondered if i should put it towards a nice camera or not...because she wonders if the technology of a camera if going to move so fast and then I will just want to get another one...the cameras I was looking at were like around $600 with one lens or some were without a lens...and then I would have to buy another lens...
anyways...back to my homework...
May 6, 2009
here are some recent additions that I though were hilarious...
Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML
Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML
Today, I was running late for work. To save time, I grabbed my belt on my way out the door and was putting it on in the elevator, which stopped at the next floor before I had put my belt all the way on. A hot girl stepped into the elevator, looked at my undone belt, screamed "Ew" and got off. FML
Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML
Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML
May 5, 2009
So what did we talk about today? We did some chit-chatting about how the past week was for me and such and she asked me about how the last week was better or changed because of our conversation. Anyways after that she asked me if there was anything specific I wanted to talk about. After some hmm-ing and umm-ing I told her about the self-harm. Now as I mentioned before she had read the notes that the other person who I talked to at the beginning of the year had taken, but I was really happy that she let me wait till I was comfortable with bringing up the subject myself before addressing the matter. I was kind of like "well you know how I said that I had kind of pushed down the emotions and buried them when (not) dealing with Paige's death? well I used a different way to 'express' those feelings...I self-harmed..."
She asked some great questions and just made me feel very comfortable with talking to her about it. She asked me about my feelings when i would cut, and my reasons for cutting (i.e. control, expressing emotions), who already knew, how long it had been since I last cut etc. I may have fibbed a little on that last one...I said three months...but I am pretty sure it hasn't been that long...oh well...
Anyways...She also asked me about what sort of things I do when I want to self-harm, instead of self-harm. I sort of explained how I like to be creative, or journal, or blog etc. Then she asked me about my support system when I go home...hmmm...I sort of beat around the bush and didn't give an answer...then she asked me again...and i told her that I didn't really have anyone who knew about this at home, also I told her about my friend who has helped me through so much in the past and how I hope to be able to talk to her some more about this whole issue, also that even though she will be moving I hope to be able to dialogue with her about it via skype or something of that sort.
Near the end of our meeting she mentioned perhaps starting a support group for people who struggle with self-harm. I think that would be a GREAT idea and I hope to do something with that next year. Also she asked me what I am going to do next year during the school year if I am struggling with cutting again, I said "well I would like to tell you that I would come straight here but I don't think that I would. What if they had to tell someone? I just couldn't deal with that." She told me that if the people at the counseling center only have to tell if someone is a threat to their own life, not if they are just cutting. Whew! that was a relief to hear! So next school year my plans consist of going to the counseling center if this becomes a big struggle again at some point next year. Also I want to form some sort of support group if at all possible. I think that would be VERY helpful if I were able to have people to dialogue with and share my struggles with who understands where I am coming from....
Okay that is all for now!
May 3, 2009
ok off to read a book for a religion (theology) paper and then write the paper...ick...
I want to ask you
I hope it is ok
What I want to know is this
do you ever feel
like you really wish
that you could go back
to the way things were \
do you ever get stressed
and feel like you need
the release you once had
and the calm you felt after
I must know the answer
(and I almost hope you do)
because that would make me normal
and not craxy for wanting to go back
to the way things were,
was only a pinch, a scratch, a cut, a burn
I desperately hope that I am not just
Coming up on May 10...
I'm writing a card to send to my mom...
Looking at my card...
I want a poem...
Perhaps I could write one...
My style of poetry...
On a Mother's day card?
I don't think so...
I googled "Mother's day poems"...
Here are two that I found...
"Happy Mother's Day" means more
Than have a happy day.
Within those words lie lots of things
We never get to say.
It means I love you first of all,
Then thanks for all you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I honor you.
But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of
Your happiness on this, your day,
With pleasure and with love.
I know we sometimes argue, and
I sometimes blow my lid.
But I still love you very much:
I'm only just a kid.
Sometimes I need to push against
The fences you erect,
Even though I know they're there
To shelter and protect.
I know you want the best for me
And to keep me from all harm.
I just want you to know I couldn't
Have a better mom.
I am thinking that I am going to use the first poem in my card...i started to cry a little as i read it...boy do i miss my mom...
I head home in about 18 days!!! I can't wait...
but those 18 days are going to be VERY busy...filled with final papers and projects and exams....
back to my "Theology" book i have to read and then write a paper on...
May 1, 2009
never did anything wrong
it was the image
which i wished to portray
it was ME
it was how i defined myself
ask me to go to the party
are you sure you don't want
yes i am sure
you're a goody two shoes
yup, that's me
(or so they thought)
the ones who made fun of me
pretended to ask me out
their words heart
but i was a good girl
i didn't do the bad things
at least not the bad things
they had in mind
what did i do?
i did "bad things"
behind closed doors
(where my parents couldn't hear)
i once had a swallow
of my dad's Kahlua
when no one was at home
oh i am such a rebel
but the real part
which hurt me
but never spoken of
not willing to be felt
on my body
behind closed doors
walls i built up around me
behind impenetrable forces
the "good girl"
more than she could ever admit
more than she ever will
no one will ever truly know
the depth to which my scars run
i wear some on my body
you can't see the ones
beneath the surface