December 14, 2009


Will my secret be a tale of heroism or fear?

December 12, 2009

texting conversation with my dad...

From: Dad Cell to me
I just checked the weather reports for next week. "Some snow" for *City Name of where i attend college*. Sunny in *City Name of home*. If i remember right you came home last year with a nose ring. I hope there aren't any such surprises this year?

From: Me to Dad Cell
Nope. No new piercings. And that was summer. :-)

From: Dad Cell to me
Are you sure? Well my memory is not so good, and I am sure you would remember better than were there...I just got the 7 days 3 exams facebook update. We are getting closer.

From: Me to Dad Cell
Yup. Closer and closer! And i got my nose pierced in february. so unless christmas break was after

From: Dad Cell to me
I guess I need to realize I'm gettin' older and forgetful. I just thought I heard someone say something about a guage. I guess my ears are going along with my memory.

From: Me to Dad Cell
Ya. Well that is not a new and they are really

From: Dad Cell to me
So, did you guage your ear(s)? I believe I asked if there were any surprises...

From: Me to Dad Cell
Lol...i didn't think that counted as a surprise...cause mom already saw them...

From: Dad Cell to me
I suppose if you are grown up enough to make bad decisions you are grown up enough to live with the consequences.

From: Me to Dad Cell
Well they shrink back up...i just have to leave them out for like a week...and i do not consider them a 'bad decision' there are much worse things i could be doing which i am not...

From: Dad Cell to me
You made a bad choice. I didn't want you to...and you did it anyway. So I'm done.

From: Me to Dad Cell

From: Me to Dad Cell
Well all i have to say is that you should be happy that i am a good i get a piercing or gauge my ears...That is better than going out and doing drugs or drinking or smoking...

so i am pretty frustrated with my dad...he is overreacting to a stupid situation...i have no clue what he means by me being "old enough to deal with the consequences"...that freaks me out a bit...but he should be fine with letting me become my own person...that is what the point of growing up is all about...

I was really frustrated after the conversation with my dad but thanks to taking a nap and a kind and encouraging text from my new friend kara...i made it through...i am on day five...i haven't really been keeping my blog up to date lately but just so you know...i fell, but am working really hard to pull myself back together and continue fighting...

anyways...i do not feel like wasting any more key strokes on him right now...

on another laptop is like falling of the hinges in the screen broke so half of the screen is falling off (well not literally falling off...but you get the idea...) i had to purchase parts to fix it my battery decided it doesn't want to charge i bought new hinges, a screen bezel (plastic piece that goes around the LCD screen), and a new ran me around $70...yikes...but much better than I was told it would cost as far as prices IT will fix it for free after I buy the parts! yay!

ok off to bed now...i am going to breakfast tomorrow with some friends...

Emmy R.

December 4, 2009


I wrote the poem below on 11/19/09...

I do not know
How to be a girlfriend
When to hug
How to act
What to expect
I'm sorry J*****
I suck at this
But I also do not have
Any experience
To draw from
I've watched others
Who I've seen their relationships
From the beginning
Sex, drugs, pregnancy
Emulating their choices
Could end horribly
I've seen movies
Relationships start accidentally
French kissing on the first date
In bed with each other
On the second
Utilizing that framework
Would not be a good idea
Other relationships I see
Married friends
Friends who have been dating longer
Do they even apply?
Suggestions come at me
From all sides
How fast to go
(you gotta keep his interest)
How slow to go
(do not be a slut)

ok so it is sort of an unfinished poem...

Here is what has been going on lately...

I am trying to decide if I want to be an RA next would mean not graduating in three years, and graduating in 3.5 instead...which would still be ok...

Also in regards to the poem, I went on a date with a guy friend of mine. It was a good date, but he wanted to hang out right away the whole weekend. I hung out with him two nights that weekend, one for the date and the other because I went broom-balling with a group from his church. At broom-balling he and another guy friend were saying mean things about a friend of theirs who happens to be my friend's boyfriend...and they happen to be friends with my friend as well. Then I was told not to tell my friend about what they said. I am sort of frustrated by this situation. I am the type of person who always puts her friends first. I am not going to tell my friend about what happened because it would hurt her, but that is the only reason. This guy freaked me out by asking too much too soon. Hanging out all weekend after the first date???? YIKES!!! Also, his cousin introduced me as his girlfriend. After one date!!! I haven't really hung out with him since. I still like him but I am not sure that I want to date him until I get to know him a bit better...maybe we can just hang out a bit more together in a group and get to know each other better that way...idk...i just do not really know what to do...

I have to head to work, I will probably write more on this subject later...

Emmy R.

November 16, 2009

feeling urgy...

Just wanted to make a post to my blog right now...I am feelings really urgy and i guess i figured that maybe posting here will help...i guess i want to write and not cut...

I guess this is sort of a stupid thing to cut over...but it is really stressing me out and making me feel out of control...idk...those are the feelings that I deal with by cutting...when i feel out of control like i do now i just want to find some sort of control...

right now my roommate is in my room watching a movie with two other girls...i told her earlier that i have a test tomorrow and needed to study but she still took over my room and is watching a movie...

also i am just in general getting fed up and stressed out and out of control of having people in my room constantly...

I feel like I am really behind in my classes too now because there are always people in my room...

On the weekends my roommate leaves and i get two days to refresh and gain my control back and then when she comes back I am just stressed out all over again...and she right away starts having a ton of people in my room...

anyways....i just saw a friend and got a hug and chatted with her...and i am feeling a bit better now...

now to study...

Emmy R.

November 7, 2009


I just found this "PostSecret" on the PostSecret Blog. It really hit me...maybe I let my relapses define my future...


October 25, 2009


I went to church today with my friend was the first time i had been back to church since college started in the beginning of September...

The sermon was on gluttony. The pastor talked about how gluttony is really just making a god of our stomach (through eating, drinking alcohol etc.). Eating or drinking out of weakness and eating or drinking to numb ourselves. He also mentioned that it could be anything, not just what we eat or drink, it could be, for example, shopping.

He said that gluttony is finding refuge in something "predictable". And it becomes a "god that does our bidding" in a way. It is something we can control, which has a benefit for ourselves. We can turn to eating, drinking or shopping and we know the result we will get, a sense of relief and solace from whatever is going on. While on the other hand if we turn to God and his word for solace there is no way we can predict what will happen or if anything will happen.

In a sense the eating, drinking or shopping becomes an idol. The idol is so much more manageable than God is. We can control, or at least we believe we can control, the idol, whereas we cannot control God. But in the end we, instead of controlling our idol, wind up controlled by it, controlled by our appetite or instinct.

This sort of hit me. I don't know if I believe in God, I was raised so I would, but as of now I just don't know. Even though I don't know where I stand as far as believing in God, somehow the basic message of what the pastor said spoke to me.

I have something in my own life that could be considered gluttony. I don't eat too much, I don't drink, I don't go shopping to deal with the crap going on in my life. I have an idol, and idol which I like to believe I can control. My idol is predictable, it gives me the sweet feeling of relief, and it works the same every time. My idol comforts me, helps me to forget the things in my life which I don't know how to deal with. I believe I can control my idol, I want to believe it does not control me. In this I am starting to realize I am wrong. I went so long without my idol, my gluttonous pleasure, but I gave in again. I gave in because I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my cutting, my cutting controls me.

ok, that was sort of a weird realization I had today...not that I never really thought about the control my cutting has over me, but it really hit me today...
and I wanted to share an update about my counseling appointments and just basically my life right now...

I have been meeting with the counselor at my school every Monday for the past few weeks and this past Monday we decided to make it every other week. The meetings have been good. It is sort of funny though because the lady I meet with has a Bachelors and Masters in Social Work (my major at college) and then her PhD in Psychology. I can recognize the way she asks questions and some of the questions she asks and the general format of the sessions from a Social Work Class I am taking right now about "Interviewing for Solutions". Anyways, the meetings have been going well I think. I have messed up since we have started the counseling but I am scared to tell her, I am scared to tell anyone. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it and know they would not freak out, and know they would not judge me. It scares me to show people that weakness, to let them see the part of me I try so hard to hide. But along with it scaring me, i think it would really take a burden off of me. but, at the same time, I don't want to take the burden off of me because that means putting it on someone else...

I also want to share some lyrics and a video with the song, i don't know what the video is of but i just wanted to share the song and I didn't know how else to do it...

Bittersweet by Plumb
I've been carrying this old luggage
and its really been buggin' me
so when you called to see me
I couldn't believe it
could it really be
You need to feel forgiveness
I need to feel resentment
Running down the drain
This bruising chain I've carried
Is the pain that I'm burying today

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

The clock is always ticking
Bitterness grows by the minute
why can't we realize
the wounds that we're inflicting
on our own flesh
it isn't healing
by keeping love inside

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

Emmy R.

October 11, 2009

I had my iTunes set to shuffle on my computer and was just listening to random songs as they play...the song "Speechless" by Steven Curtis Chapman started playing...

"Words fall like drops of rain
My lips are like clouds
I say so many things
Trying to figure you out
But as mercy opens my eyes
My words are stolen away
With this breathtaking view of your grace

And I am speechless I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave
And I am speechless in your presence now
Im astounded as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless

So what kind of love could this be
That would trade heavens throne for a cross
And to think you still celebrate
Over finding just one who was lost
And to know you rejoice over us
The God of this whole universe
Its a story that's too great for words

Oh how great is the love
The father has lavished upon us
That we should be called
The sons and the daughters of god

We are speechless so amazed
We stand in awe of your grace
We stand in awe of your mercy
You have saved us
We stand in awe of your love
From the grave
We are speechless

We are speechless in your presence now
We stand in awe of your cross
Were astounded as we consider how
We stand in awe of your power
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless
We are speechless

I am speechless"

those are the is the song in a youtube video..

anyways...listening to this song made me miss when I used to feel speechless and in awe of God's presence...those days of my life were so much better...i miss them...

and now a song called "I miss you" just came on by Inhabited...which is more like missing a dead friend...but that is besides the point..

I don't really know what to write in here right now...i cut the other day...and I just don't know how I feel about that...part of me just doesn't care...the other part hates myself...

I don't plan on telling the counselor I have been talking to...i didn't even really have a reason why I cut...i guess someone insulted me...and I felt bad...but that is a sucky reason...whatever...

change of subject...I just set up a new aquarium because my fish from last year died at the beginning of this school year...after O.J. (my fish, O.J. is short of orange juice or orange julius) died I tried more goldfish in my old tank (a 1 gallon fishbowl, which is really too small for a goldfish) but now I have a 5.5 gallon tank with four female guppies in there. I have a filter, a bubbler, gravel, and 3 plants in there...and I spent way too much money...LOL...but i love having fish...

Here is what I spent aproximately...

$10 - 5.5 gallon aquarium
$10 - filter
$5 - air pump
$2 - air pump hose
$2 - 4 air stones (they came in a pack)
$5 - 3 plants
$5 - gravel
$1 - tank thermometer
$7 - 4 female guppies
$3 - water conditioner and stress coat
TOTAL: $50

keep in mind that these costs are approximate, some cost a bit more and others a bit less...but ya...

i am getting off now...i have stuff to do...

Emmy R.

September 22, 2009

So I had my appointment today with a counselor at my school. I think that it was a productive meeting and I have another appointment not this next Monday but the Monday after that. At the start of the meeting I was really nervous and unsure what I would talk about. She came to the waiting room and called my name and I went with her to her office. She offered me a chair and I sat down and she sat across from me in her chair. She began by mentioning that she noticed that I had seen several different therapists and she said that I was probably pretty used to the whole therapy thing and she also asked if I had already been told about the confidentiality thing. I told her ya I was sort of used to it and that I had heard the confidentiality thing. She then asked me what had brought me to her office today. I was sort of uncomfortable and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Then I finally just said that I came because I struggle with self-harm and I had had a close call the other day with it but made it through and I did not do anything. She proceeded to ask me questions about my self-harm and even asked me some specific questions about my self-harm. It was really weird because I have never had anyone do that before. She asked me where I cut and with what and how deep it usually was. It was weird to have her asking me about a thing like that but it was also very nice to talk about it. After that she mentioned that previous to my appointment she did not know about me having had other appointments or she would have read what they wrote. She said she is going to read it before our next appointment. After she said that she began to ask me more questions about my reason for coming in. She had me explain why I was feeling the urges and what events sort of lead up to it. It was good to talk that over. Basically what I told her was that I had been stressed out because of being on dorm leadership and starting classes and that an argument with my friend pushed me over the edge. Then I told her how I knew I couldn't go back to my room and how I wanted to talk to my last year RA and she wasn't there and then I went on a walk until I felt ok. Later on after some more discussion she asked me about the story again. I mentioned the stress and the argument and how it made me want to cut. She asked me what happened next. I was like...uh...i didn't cut. She was like you are right, you didn't. That is the most important part of the story. The story doesn't end at the urge. It ends at how you deal with the urge. She mentioned that a few more times throughout the rest of our chat. Near the end she mentioned that the important part of my urge the night before was that I fought against it, even though I knew of a way I could get faster relief, I struggled through the hard stuff and made it through. I told her that it was really hard to look at it from that perspective because I always felt bad for even getting to that point, like i should have known and done something about it before i got to that point. She said that I still made a huge accomplishment...

Anyways, so the appointment went well, and I have another one two mondays from now. She said we will work on stress management techniques. I think that will be helpful. I also wanted to talk with her about possibly having a support group....but we'll see...

I would like to talk to my RA from last year about what was going through my mind. It is sort of hard to find a time to talk to her. She is busy with her new floor and we barely get a chance to talk. I would really like to talk to her about my cutting, and also about the possibly about talking to the person who she mentioned also struggles with cutting.

ok that's it for now...

Emmy R.

close call...

I had a very close call just a couple of nights ago. I made it through though. I have been really stressed lately and I guess I just needed one more crappy thing to push me over the edge. My stress is with being on the leadership team in my dorm and with getting used to classes again. On Saturday night I went out with friends and we got burgers. One of my friends was in a bad mood and was basically being rude to everyone. I was trying to cheer her up or at least make her smile by being my usual random self. Nothing I was doing was working though and later we went back to the dorms and watched the movie Juno in my friends (the crabby) room. She was going on and on about how much the songs in the movie suck and how they are not in tune or some crap like that and I mentioned that I like them and then I wanted to play one of the songs (which plays in the credits) for another of our friends so I brought my laptop over and started the song. My crabby friend just went apeshit at me and got really mad because she didn't want to hear the song. I went out in the hall and finished playing it for our friend. Then I put my computer away and came back and started writing on her door (our doors are dry-erase boards) the lyrics to one of the songs. She saw me doing it and asked our friend was I was doing and he said and then she went apeshit again and told me that i had to erase it. I left without doing so because I don't like being bossed around and then I went back to her room because I was really frustrated by her yelling at me and told her that just because she was in a bad mood was no reason to treat other people like crap. I was in tears at that point (remember i was already stressed, plus PMSing, so therefore very emotional) and I went back to my room and laid down on my couch and was crying. I really wanted to cut so I left the room and my cutting materials behind and went for a walk. I walked up to my, last year RA, and current friend's room because I just really needed a hug and she knows about my struggle with self-harm. She wasn't there so I left and just walked around campus crying and barely keeping it together. I got to a large grassy area at the center of campus (called commons lawn) and sat down in the middle. I held my knees to my chest and just cried. I really wanted to cut or do something to express what I was feeling but I sat there and then laid down and soon enough I calmed down, then I went back to my room and chilled.

This evening I went to say hi to my last year RA. I came to her room and we chilled for a while and she asked me some questions about how things were going. She asked me how I was doing with "the things we talked about last year" (aka my self-harm). I told her that I was doing ok right now but had had a close call recently. I then told her that I had not "done anything" though. She proceeded to tell me that it was ok, but even if I had done something it would have been ok. I don't really know how I feel about what she said. On one hand it feel it is weird because all I have ever really heard is that "cutting is bad you should not do it" and the concept of her being ok with it is weird. On the other hand I think it is nice that she said that because I know that she will be there for me even if I do start cutting again...

One last thing to add to this post. The last close call really scared me and now I have an appointment tomorrow at my college's counseling center. I am really nervous about going again because it will be a new person because the person I talked to last year was an intern and is working in a different place this year. I don't really know what I want to talk about. I sort of want to talk about starting a support group for self-harm, but I sort of want to talk over what happened the other night...

ok that's it for now...i need to work on homework and then go to bed...

Emmy R.

September 16, 2009


So things have been a little crazy. I am getting stressed out with my position as the AC secretary. I just am constantly feeling out of control and stressed. These are two things that usually really trigger my need to SI. I am being driven nuts and am constantly on edge. I came really really close to cutting yesterday and several other times over the past week or so.

Part of me is saying that I should make an appointment at my college's counseling center. The other part of me says I should not because I am strong enough to beat this on my own and I don't want to let them control it. GAH!!! I just don't know what to do. Last night I went to my RA from last years room hoping that we could chat. It didn't end up working out because there was someone else in the room and also because she had to go to an event in her dorm. I left and was feeling really stressed out, almost more so than before, and I walked around for a bit and then headed back to my dorm room, still stressed. This is driving me nuts!

I think I might make and appointment with a college counselor, but it will be weird. The person I talked to last year at the end of the year is not there anymore because she was just an intern. I would have to get to know someone new all over again. I suppose it would be good to at least go in and talk to them about possibly starting a support group...but now I don't know if that is a good idea.

My old RA, Lauren, had told me at the end of this past school year that she knew another person who struggled with cutting and she would talk to them if I wanted to see if we could become some sort of accountability partners or something. At the end of the summmer I e-mailed her and told her that I thought it would be nice to talk about cutting with someone who really knew what I was talking about. She told me she would try to get in contact with the person she was talking about and she also mentioned that it would be nice to talk about the whole thing in person as well. We still haven't gotten a chance to do that.

I just don't really know what to do and I am stressed, conflicted and feeling very out of control. All of these are things that are my triggers for self-harm.....................................but, at least for right now, I will be ok...

Emmy R.

September 7, 2009

Labor Day Weekend, Skillet-Awake, Poem

It has been a really long time since I last updated this blog. I have been at college for just over a week now and was gone to the northern part of the state this weekend to go camping with some friends and one of their family. I have really enjoyed spending time back at college. It has been great to reconnect with old friends and just spend time with them.

Anyways this weekend i went camping with my friends Jon, Jordan and Amanda and also Jordan's family. It was fun to spend some time outdoors and to just hang with my friends. It was a bit crazy. The first night, friday night, i spent at Jordan's house along with Amanda and Jon. For some reason on the drive to his house I was feeling really down. I was feeling really stressed too and just altogether not doing great. I really wanted to cut but I made it through the evening. The next morning we headed to the campground. When we got there we just hung out and went down the the lake (the campground was on a lake) where we took some pictures and just chilled. I also spent some time with Jordan's little sister who is adopted and she is just adorable and we became fast friends. That night we went to sleep (Jon, Jordan, Amanda and I in the same tent) and none of us slept very well because it was REALLY cold. Anyways the next morning we got up and Jon, Jordan and I went Canoeing with Jordan's family. Jordan's dad and a couple other relatives got really drunk which was highly amusing but also very weird since I have never been around that sort of thing before. Anyways the guys and i were all in the same canoe. It was really fun and we had a great time. After getting back from canoeing we had dinner and sat around the fire. **side note** Previous to going camping Amanda had told me and I had witnessed the very homophobic ways of Jon and Jordan which I am not very happy about. **end side note** A conversation somehow got started about homosexuality and I started to realize that Jordan's dad is even more homophobic than Jordan is. It was really wierd because since he was still drunk he also didn't really care what he was saying and was very blatant about his feelings. I was trying to talk in a civil matter about some of the things I have learned this past year and I would like to think that some of what I said made sense in his drunken homophobic mind but I doubt it. Anyways this conversation really got me thinking about my values and what sort of values I would like to see in a potential mate. **side note** i have had a crush on Jordan and Jon and varying different times throughout the past year and recently found out that one of them likes me back **end side note** During the "discussion" I was feeling a bit put down by so many of the others who did not agree with me and I almost felt ashamed. I was thinking about this (the discussion and the potential mate thing) on the car ride home and I wrote this down.

"I've spent too much of my life trying to be someone I'm not. Too much of my life caring about what other thingk about me. Too much of my life being walked on. I will not be another female who is afraid to stand up for herself. I will be strong and learn what I believe. I will voice my opinions even when other don't agree. -Emmy R. 9/6/09"

It was really freeing to think about that and actually be able to voice it through writing it down.

During the car ride we were listening to the new Skillet CD Awake (which is an absolutely amazing CD by the way) and some of the lyrics were really hitting me.

Skillet - Monster
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged, but I can’t control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it
It’s scratching at the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
I hide under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this? Make it end

Skillet - Sometimes
Sometimes I don't wanna be better
Sometimes I can't be
put back together
Sometimes I find it hard to believe
there's someone else who could be
Just as messed up as me

Those lyrics really hit me for some reason. I like them. The whole CD is amazing. Sometimes when you listen to a CD a certain song jumps out and the others are just ok...well this is not one of those CDs. I really liked all the songs all the way through.

During another part of the car ride I was just reflecting on what a hard time I had with not cutting the other day. I am sad that I still am struggling with it. I wrote this short little poem while I was processing that.

"I have scars that you can't see
scars that don't touch
the surface of my skin
scars taht are there
most through no fault of my own
I have scars that you can see
small almost invisible scars
lining the skin of my wrist
the scars you can't see
are the ones that hurt the most
when they were made
it may not make sense
but the scars that bled
and cover my wrist
healed the fastest
and hurt the least
some on the inside
are very old
and still have yet to heal"

I don't really like the end to this poem but nothing good was/is coming to mind, so this is all you get (:

I start classes tomorrow and I am sort of excited and sort of nervous. Also I plan to go to the counseling center and make an appointment to talk with someone soon. The other night was just way too close a call. Also I want to talk to them about possibly making a support group. Hopefully this will all work out.

Emmy R.

August 29, 2009

Quote by Jamie Tworkowski

I just wanted to share a quote I found which was said or written by Jamie Tworkowski. Jamie is the founder (or at least one of the founders) of the organization To Write Love On Her Arms or TWLOHA for short. If you would like to hear more about the organization check out this website (

"If you struggle with self-injury, you are not "a cutter".
You are a person.
You are not only your pain.
You are not only wounds and scars.
You are also better things.
You are possibility and promise,
hope and healing,
favorite books and favorite songs.
You are the people that you love
and the people who love you.
You are hope and change and things worth fighting for.
This is all your story
and your story isn't over.

Peace to you tonight.

ok this is all for tonight. I just wanted to share that beautiful quote.

Emmy R.

August 28, 2009

College, visiting Paige's grave

Wow...this summer has flown by! I am already heading back to college tomorrow. I can't believe that it is already time for my sophomore year! I think this year is going to be amazing! I am sooo excited about it!

I want to share a bit about what I am going to do today since i leave tomorrow. I am going to lunch with my mom and then going to drive out to where my friend Paige it burried. I have been meaning to drive out there all summer. I told my mom last night what my plans were for today and she seemed like she thought it was wierd. She said that she doesn't go to people's graves because she doesn't believe that they are there anymore. only their bodies are there and so she doesn't feel any comfort by going. I guess I sort of agree but I am comforted by going there. I think it is nice to be there by her grave and i guess talk to myself as if i am talking to her. Writing is also a big thing in my life and I find it nice to sit there and write. when I have gone in the past I have written a letter to her. I think it is amazing and comforting.

ok well this is all i have for now...perhaps more tonight...or once I get to College...

Emmy R.

August 21, 2009

addicts behavior.

addicts behavior., originally uploaded by Pernicious Girl.

wow I just found this picture...amazing...

I do this too...I have so many band-aids in the first aid kit at my college...but I didn't bring them scares me not to have them. I was at a drug store today and almost bought some more to keep with me. I didn't though. but I still have my razors just across the room...i can't get rid of those...

Emmy R.

August 20, 2009

Me and Maddi

Today I got to hang out with an amazing person and friend. Her name is Madison (aka Maddi) and she is the little sister of my friend Paige who passed away from cancer on November 6, 2006.

I don't know if she will ever understand how amazing she is and what a great person she is and just what sort of impact she has made on my life. Today was a great example of just how great she is.

I drove out to her house to pick her up (she lives about a half hour drive away) and when I got there her mom answered the door along with Maddi. I came in and sat on the couch with them and we talked about school and future plans for a while. I just love to be around Sherry and Maddi, they are amazing people and being around them just makes me so happy. But also being around them makes me remember and miss Paige. Today as we were sitting there and talking Sherry broke down and was crying because she says that I remind her so much of Paige when I am around. I reached over and hugged her and she told me that she is so happy that I come by and hang out with them both. I sat there and hugged her and she apologized for being emotional and I told her there was no need to apologize. We sat and chatted for a little while more and then Maddi and I left to go hang out just the two of us.

We got to starbucks and after we got our drinks we sat down in two very comfortable chairs. Then we just started to chat. We talked about the cruise she is going on with her dad which she is leaving for soon, how she is looking forward to next year and the stuff she is doing over the summer with her friends. It was really great just to sit and chat with her. I love doing that but I wish I got to do it more often than I do. At one point we started talking about Paige. We both miss her a lot and it is really nice for us to be able to remember her together and talk about her with someone else who knew her. One thing that Maddi mentioned really was amazing for me. She talked about how there is this inner struggle with remembering Paige. As time goes on since her death (it will be three years this november) we start to forget things about her. In some ways this is nice because she is not constantly on our minds and we can get other things done and just sort of move on but in other ways it is really hard because we feel bad for forgetting, we feel as though we are horrible that we are forgetting someone that was such a pivotal person in our lives. I think this is something I was really struggling with back in the end of last winter when I started self-harming again. Another thing we discussed was how wierd it is to have someone be such a huge part of our lives and then become a huge part of who we are and then go somewhere else where people don't know about that part of us. When I started at College I started a whole new part of my life. One where people didn't know who I was and what sort of things I had been through. It is nice because people don't define you by certain parts of your life. But it is hard for the same reason, people don't understand that part of my life and it is a huge part of who I am. How can I have honest friendships when people don't know about that part of my life, that part of who I am.

I am both more confused and less confused after hanging out with Maddi today. I am able to understand things in more detail but I am still at a loss for how to fix or share to help others understand.

I think I am going to try to join the grief support group next year at school. I also have a new-found desire to start a support group for people struggling with self-harm. I think I might want to make it even broader though. I want to make it include struggle with more than just cutting, perhaps expand it to include people struggling with any mental illness. I don't know how this sort of thing will get started but we'll see how it goes next year.

Emmy R.

PS I leave for college on the 29th already! Yikes!

August 16, 2009

losing weight

I have made a decision that I am going to lose weight while i am gone next year at college. I don't really want this blog to turn into like a food diary or anything, and I also don't want to start keeping a food diary because I don't want to get into the dangerous territory of an eating disorder. I have heard that people who have eating disorders are often likely to also develop issues with self-harm. I guess in many cases they are both for the same reason. Something the person can control. I am worried that the same thing could happen but the opposite way. Since I struggle with self-harm I might be susceptible to an eating disorder.

Currently I only have my class schedule but once I get my work schedule I will combine the two and look at the work-out room's hours. Then I will decide on a time to work out. I want to work out for an hour/day at least 3 times during the weekdays plus on Saturday, if not more than that. I want to make it a regular thing that I do not skip unless I have a huge test or something. I am also going to be having a PE class next year. I am taking a modern dance class, so hopefully that will help me work out a little bit more as well. When I go work out on my own I want to do either running or some sort of aerobic exercise (like on the elliptical) for about half an hour. Then I want to do something like lifting weights for another half hour or so. Hopefully this will help me lose some weight. I am currently considered "overweight" for my age and height. I want to cut down on the weight, but also gain some muscle so, since muscle weighs more than fat, even if I don't really lose a ton of actual "weight" I at least want to look slimmer.

I just used a "Better Ideal Weight Body Calculations" calculator thing to calculate what weight I should be. Since I am about 5'4", currently weigh around 160 lbs, am in the Adult age group and am female. According to the "People's Choice Ideal Weight" I should weight around 131 lbs, the "Medical Recommendation" is 111 - 146 lbs. So there you go, you see my goal right here. We'll see what happens.

Also I wanted to say that my choice to begin dieting when I get to College is only because I want to make sure I am talking to someone like one of the counselors at school so that I don't get dragged down by an eating disorder.

Emmy R.

August 6, 2009

miniscule poem...or not...

feeling numb
sitting in my room all day
doing nothing
accomplishing nothing
except laziness

that is all i have for today...i though i felt like writing a poem...but nothing is coming...oh well...

Emmy R.

poems i found in my room...

so i found two poems i wrote in my room while working on cleaning it up.
the first poem if from 1/18/08

Pieces of my life they surround me
each new thing a memory...
written in my darkest times
wedding invitations
of people i love
running bibs**
from races long past
of possums, artwork, junior high graduation and meets
the the speakers from religions handed out
from friends passed in class when the teacher isn't looking
a card
signed by all the girls on the -CC> team
to my favorite songs
Ticket stubs from movies

**in case you don't know a running bib is the little plastic things runners wear on their shirts during a race with a number on it**

this poem seems like it is unfinished to me...i don't think i meant to end it there...I probably wrote this while begining to clean my room to pack for college and just going through stuff...realizing all that was behind me and all that was in the future...i guess that is sort of how i feel now as well...I am again going through all my stuff in my room and getting rid of a ton of stuff...and seeing all the things I want to save and the memories they hold, both good and bad...

The other poem is a bit older and it seems that i was dealing with a bunch of drama surrounding a new friend group i was hanging out it's from 4-22-07...

I cried myself to sleep again
Thinking about the way
Things would have been
If God had cared
And let her live
I would still have
My best friend
I wouldn't have to deal
With the drama
My new 'friends' create
I'd have at least
One person
My age
Who i could trust
Who i could be real with

and then there is some large writing on the bottom that says "Skin Deep" I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that but I know there is a song by Natalie Grant that it titled that...

ok I think i am going to write another post with a poem if i can get one together...and if you have just stumbled on this blog please don't judge my poetry by these poems...they suck...but one was written a year ago and never finished and the other was written two years ago...and i am better now...these definately do not showcase any of my talent...

Emmy R.

August 5, 2009

cleaning out my room...

Just wanted to put up a new post thing...i started cleaning out my room the other day and rearranging is funny some of the things I have found laying around...

notes passed to and from one of my friends in high school talking about all of the people she was falling in love with and having sex with (a new one pretty much every week)

old yearbooks and the things people wrote in them...with less and less signatures each year of highschool as i became less and less interested in friends and such...

a "slam book" that wasn't really a slam book at all but a little folder thing that I made at a sleepover with friends back when I was like 13. what it was was people signed in at the beginning and on each additional page they had to answer a question written at the was hilarious to read it now...answers about crushed etc...(:

a bunch of old poems which i haven't even seen for forever...i have them and still need to read them...but hopefully i will post them on here soon...

and so much more...

ok i need to get off now because i need to go take a shower and change out of my pjs so i can go out and have an early dinner with some relatives that are flying into town today...

Emmy R.

August 1, 2009


I started out this morning getting up early and heading to Babysit. On the way I was feeling really was really bad...worse than I have ever had...thank goodness my razors were miles away stashed in a drawer in my room...or i just know i would have slashed myself up really badly...but changing the subject because i really don't want to be thinking about that right I don't end up deciding to go cut myself...i just got home a bit ago from babysitting...after babysitting I stopped by the store and got some stretcher things for my ears. I have two sizes and I am SO excited to put them in...but i am going to wait till I get to my mom can just freak then...LOL...the smaller pair i got are black and white in like the shape of a pie...idk if that makes any sense...but it's like the colors are slivers of pie...and the bigger size is clear with white swirled through it...and I think i might actually go get the next size up as well...I looked it up online and you are supposed to wait like 1-3 months inbetween each time you go up a size...and after 8 guage you have to wait 3-5 months...

below is a poem i wrote last night...

I just don’t really care anymore

I feel like giving up

I just don’t feel

Like fighting anymore.

My cries

Seem to only reach

My own ears

They fall to the floor

Before they can reach another’s

My razor beckons to me

“I’m only in your drawer

A few feet away

Across the room”

I know she is there

My temptation

Whispering in my ear

Calling me to her side

Telling me

She will make it better

Part of me believes her

Another part sees through her lies

But yet that part wants to believe her

It yearns for an easy way out

A temporary relief

From this crazy thing I call life

Emmy R.

Flickr Picture...

This picture is titled "And a scar away from falling apart." That caught my eye. I know that this photographer is a fellow person who struggles with self-harm. She used that quote from a Fall Out Boy song "I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart, apart."

I guess this is sort of how I am currently close to making it, and so close to falling apart...perhaps I will take a picture soon with this in mind...of course I will be putting it so only those who are my friends on there can see it...well at least if it is SI themed at all...i just recently told my friends and family about my flickr account ( and now my mom has looked at the no pictures about that sort of thing ...LOL

Emmy R.


So today I went shopping with my sister. I got myself a nice new purse, a few shirts and a couple CDs. I spent way too much money...but hey...i didn't spend more than I have...and i'm babysitting again tomorrow so i'll make some more money...

While out shopping I saw some piercing stretcher things...I think i am going to stretch my ears (: ...also for some reason...i now have the crazy urge to get another piercing specifically to get my lip pierced. it would be on the bottom lip on the opposite side of my face as the nose piercing (nose is on my right so the lip would be on the right) my mom would probably flip though...but i am of technically she doesn't have a say in it. My mom wasn't really happy about my nose piercing but it has kind of grown on her i think (: but i definitely am going to stretch my ears...i'm going to go get the tapers tomorrow after i am done babysitting...i'll probably get the next two sizes so i can change them when i am at school...actually i will probably will wait till i am gone to start stretching mom would probably not be happy...

life has been pretty boring for me lately...very low stress levels lately which is nice...but still a little bit os struggle with the cutting...i am not really sure why but i have been wanting to cut...just at random times....having nothing to do with my triggers...*sigh*...sometimes i just want to cut for the heck of it...and i want to cut deep enough to leave a really visible seems to have been so long since i last cut...i keep thinking of new places to cut too...ones that won't show in a bathing suit...ugh...i can't believe i am thinking like this...

In the past I have cut mainly on my left forearm...the easiest place for me to between high school and junior high i gained a ton of weight (which my mom made me very self-conscious about by bringing me to a bunch of doctors and stuff because she though something was wring with me...)...and i wore a jacket pretty much year round starting my first year of high school until about my third year (since i was so self-conscious)...the jacket made it really easy to hide the cutting...but since then i have begun not wearing a jacket all the time and have become more comfortable in my own body which makes hiding cuts harder...i grew up in an area where it is sunny all the time pretty much...and college is where it snows during the i have to wear warmer clothes...which makes it easier to cut...but even though I could have easily continued cutting in the same spot last year I began cutting in other places as well when I began to cut again for a while. I started to cut on my stomach and breast. I don't really know where I am going with this one...and i just realized how random this blog on to my next random topic...LOL

I am currently looking at my college's counseling center website...for some reason it helps me feel calmer to look at this...i guess to know that there is help available should I choose to accept it...which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about. I am not sure if I want to go back to the counseling center next first I was thinking that I should for sure go...but i just am not sure...i mean the lady i talked to will not be there next year...but whoever I talk to next will still be able to read her notes I think...i mean the guy i talked to in the beginning of the year and told about my cutting (possibly the most awkward time in my life) took notes and it seemed like the lady I talked to had read those notes...i mean she definitely knew about my cutting before I mentioned it...i mean she always asked me if i wanted to talk about anything else after I was talking about paige...come to think of it i am pretty sure that I told her she could read his notes...

ok...i am stopping here...i am, for some reason, getting more stressed and anxious out by typing here and looking at the counseling website...

Emmy R.

July 25, 2009

So i remembered what I wanted to post about last night. I wanted to talk about my favorite TV show...which I may have mentioned before. The TV show is called Degrassi: The Next Generation. I believe it originally started back in the 80's as an after school show to inform (or help them understand, i guess) junior high students about different issues. Not like worldwide issues like war and stuff but other issues like anorexia, abuse, pregnancy and so much more. The show that started was Degrassi Junior High which went for two years and then came Degrassi High which ran for two years. Now the show that is currently airing is called Degrassi: the Next Generation. It is currently finishing out it's 8th season in the US. (the 8th season is done in Canada where it airs originally and is recorded). Degrassi is essentially the same as it was in the past only it deals with some of the same issues and also some new ones that weren't as common back in the 80s.

One newer issue it talks about is Cutting. One of the characters, Ellie Nash played by Stacey Farber, begins cutting herself to deal with the stress of caring for her alcoholic mom and her dad being away and still keeping up with schoolwork. This episode is one of my favorites. I think it does a fairly good job of helping people understand about cutting a little better. But the reason I wanted to write about this is because I was watching this episode, Whisper to a Scream from season 3, with my sisters. It was really weird having my sisters behind me watching Ellie cut herself when I am also a cutter...

I first saw this episode of Degrassi a few months after I started really caught me off guard and gave me a name for what I was doing. It kind of helped me to understand what was going on. that is all for to watch the 3rd Harry Potter Movie with my brothers....

Emmy R.

some poems...

I've got a few poems that i've written over vacation or just before that I don't think that I ever got a chance to post on here. I think i will post them all in one this is going to be one LONG post!

Here comes the first...

Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?

Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…

Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)

Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…

I wrote the following series of poems (or word vomit) somewhere around the 19th of this month...i don't know when exactly...

I lay down on my bed
At night
Close my eyes
Drift off to sleep
But what meets me there
Behind my eyelids
In the dark recesses
Of my mind
Is not the sleep
I longed for
Or pictured as
I lay down
The sleep I get
Is riddled with
Scaring me
Eventually I wake
Beads of sweat cover my body
The pictures staying in my mind
I try to close my eyes again
To drift back off into the
Loving arms
Of sleep
To rest myself
With a dreamless slumber
Where I never see a thing
But what I want
I do not get
And the terrors

My nightmare:
I hope that
No one ever finds out
Unless I tell them first
I hope that no one sees
The truth behind my eyes
Until I choose
To let them know
Who I really am
It’s hard to tell them
Because I don’t want them
To judge
To look at me
And call me a freak
Because, to tell the truth,
No one but a freak
Would do what I do
So that is what I am
But part of me does not believe
That it is what I am
Part of me
Tells myself
That I am only trying to deal
That perhaps I am
Not a freak at all
Only a person trying
Her best
To survive in this world
But still I fear
Their judgments
I fear them
So much
That I don’t even face
The truth
In myself……………………………

and now for the last one...i have to type this one out because I wrote it on paper...

woops just realized that I have already posted that one...(: it's pretty good here is a link...( but WARNING: it could be triggering...

ok...while looking to type that last one up i found another...

(I know I am)
(But I want to believe I'm not)
My neck slightly twitches
My body begins to shake
Informing me of my need
I don't want to do it
My muscles tense
I believe
Truly believe, that i need it
I could stop if i wanted to
It's not a need
It's a want
I lie to myself
The relief it brings
Tells me it will be OK

The sharp pain
Tells me i can feel

The blood
Tells me I'm alive

Then the relief fades away
and i am left alone
with the pain and the blood
and something else
i shouldn't have done it
how could i give in?
I am weak
and something else too...
(I know I am)
(But I want to believe I'm not)

that's it for the poems for now...i want to write a post and I had a plan but i seem to have forgotten it now...also i need to get some perhaps tomorrow...

Emmy R.

July 22, 2009

a few thoughts on support...

so i was just driving home from an event at my home church and a song came on the radio talking about how you can run to god for everything and with everything. I was thinking about how I just don't seem to believe that, i mean you can't exactly run to someone with your problems if you doubt their existence can you. It was at this point that i began to psychoanalyze myself. (I know, weird...but that is sometimes what i do when driving home by myself...) Anyways, a random thought popped into my mind. Perhaps the reason i don't want to trust the support of something that is invisible is because i can't even trust the visible support systems in my life. For example, my first close friendship ended in her moving away, the next ended up with her choosing drugs over me. After that I tried to rely on the support system of my family through my mom by trying to talk to her about what was going on. Then when she rejected me i sought the help of youth leaders, who didn't want to believe that a junior high student could really be doing drugs. After that came high school and another great friendship which ended in death. After/during that i turned to cutting which seems to be the best support system i have found. It doesn't leave me, it can't do drugs (it is the drug...LOL), it cant die. Later I found a great support system through my friend Laura, but again, she has gone. We haven't even spoken to each other yet and our only communication has been in the form of short posts on each other's facebook walls. Another support seemingly gone. If i told some people about this they would tell me that this is god telling me that i am supposed to lean on him...but i think that is a load of seems to me that if there is a god, he is just enjoying torturing me. Again, why would i choose to trust the support of something invisible when i have yet to find something visible that will support me...other than my cutting, which, crazy me, i am trying to give up...

Emmy R.

July 17, 2009

what's up with me...

Chilling in my room tonight and I though I would do a quick update on here. I have spent a lot of time the last three days babysitting! It has been really great to get a chance to see some of the kids I babysat for in the past (and a few new ones as well). Anyways, I have also made quite a bit of money, perhaps less than minimum wage but still it is nice to have a bit more money for next year...

Today after babysitting I went to Marshals to look for a new bathing suit and also to look for jeans. I love to go shopping but it can be frustrating, this time wasn't to bad though. I did not find a bathing suit or a pair of jeans, but it did find a great pair of shorts, which i also needed, and a birthday present for my sister. My sister is headed off to college next year to a private college in the northern part of the state i attend. I am so happy for her that she seems so excited. Anyways, she is going to be running for the cross country team there and has to be there early which means she wont be home for her birthday. I found a cute frame that says "sisters" and then has a cute definition after it (which i would share but i don't feel like digging for the frame) and has room for a 4x6 photo which i put a picture of my two sisters and i in. I also got some cute card things that have an "A" on the front which is her initial. I think she will like it. I also want to add a few more things and also add a note about college and how much I have enjoyed my first year and perhaps some advice about the first year of college.

Basically my life has been pretty boring lately. I have struggled a bit with cutting, but i didn't give in and there have been more good days than bad days. I just watched some of the new episodes of my favorite show "Degrassi: the Next Generation". Basically i have been chilling a lot. which means I sleep a lot, and I sleep in late...i am going to try to not make the sleeping in too much of a habit anymore. I want to still be ok and not have to make too much of a major adjustment when I go back to college.

One thing that has been on my mind a bit since the end of last school year was something my RA had talked to me about. She asked me to think about perhaps being open to talk to some people about my cutting. She said she knew some people from in the dorm who also struggle with cutting and that she though that it could be good if we were able to be like accountability partners or something...i am not sure exactly what she had in mind...but it sort of makes sense...i mean it would be great to have someone who really understood where I was coming from but at the same time it would be hard because it could possibly be a trigger...

Also related to that, i was thinking about, at the end of last year, that it would be great if i could help to start a support group or something. I am now thinking that it would be cool if we could start some sort of awareness group. I think that that would be very helpful because so many people don't understand the issue.

Both of these ideas are great at their very heart but both could have so many issues and so many scary parts to them. I mean in either one of them what would happen if I were asked to share my story to a larger croud. I don't think i could deal with that. Next year there are four more students coming to my college who I went to high school with. What if they heard, told their parents, who in turn told my parents (such is the small-town-ness of my high school). Anyways, i just am still not sure what I want to do, and every time I think about this i come to the same conclusion that I just don't know. to bed...i am getting my hair cut in the i have to get up earlier than usual...

Emmy R.

July 12, 2009

"Walk w/ Me"...

"Walk w/ Me"....

I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. No, I really don’t. I’d rather keep it to myself- handle it alone. I do think it would be good for me to share it with you, though. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of what you’ll say and of how you’ll act.

I’m afraid you might feel sorry for me in a way that makes me feel pathetic. Like I’m some “poor thing.”

I’m afraid you’ll try to cheer me up. That you will give me words, or texts or prayers that tell me in a subtle way to stop feeling bad. If you do that I’ll feel worse (but hide it behind my obedient, cheerful smile). I’ll feel you don’t understand. I’ll feel that you are making light of my problem because you believe it can be brushed away with some brief words of cheer.

I’m afraid you’ll give me an answer. I’ve been wrestling with this problem for some time now. I have thought endless thoughts about it. Can you answer in half-minutes what I’ve struggled with for weeks?

Don’t belittle me.

I’m so afraid you might ignore my problem, talk quickly about other things, or tell me of your own problems.

I’m afraid too, that you might see me stronger than I do- not need you to listen and care. (It’s true I can get along alone, but shouldn’t.)

What I’d really like is if you would “just walk with me.” Listen as I begin in some blundering, clumsy way to break through my fearfulness of being exposed as weak. Hold my hand and pull me gently as I falter and begin to draw back, Say a word, make a motion or a sound that says, “I’m with you.” If you’ve been where I am tell me how you felt in a way that I can know you’re trying to walk with me.

Walk with me- don’t change me.

But I’m afraid. . . you’ll think I’m too weak to deserve respect and responsibility. . . you’ll explain what’s happening to me with labels and interpretation. . . or you’ll ask me, “What ya going to do about it?”

Please. Just walk with me. All those other things seem so much brighter and sharper- smarter and expert.

But what really takes love is to just walk with me. (taken from Being Withby Visser and Kok 1976)

Emmy R.


I don't know if I have posted about this before but it is just something going through my mind right now...

A while back (when I was at my cousin's wedding [Bianca is my cousin and Patrick is her husband]) we were hanging out with her Patrick's family and I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom. Now i know I have written a blog before about how conservative my cousin is and how i got into an argument with her...but Patrick's mom is a bajillion times more conservative than her. Basically my whole family is extremely conservative...

Anyways, I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom and she was talking about a college that she is hoping one of her sons will apply to and attend. She mentioned how she believed this school did a good job of teaching kids how to think and not what to think. But then she went on to mention that it was a very conservative school and she also liked that it held very conservative values. I asked her how a school could be teaching you how to think and not what when they were teaching you to believe conservatively...I was slightly confused...she then looked at me like I was a little kid for not understanding how that worked and she dropped the conversation because she though I was being impertinent or something...

So back to how this sort of thing is on my mind today...well not specifically today...but just in the back of my mind lately...

I know that I am very conservative in many ways...mostly because of the way I was raised I believe...but being at the college I attend I am truly being taught "how to think and not what to think." I think that they do a great job of presenting ideas that are very controversial in the United States (and many other countries as well i believe) and giving us a chance to consider all sides of them and then decide what we believe. One example is homosexuality. I have gotten a chance to hear from gay students who attend my christian college...I have heard their stories and their struggles and have come out of it a changed person...I am not the same as I was in the begining of the school year...

ok...i am rambling...but it's just what is on my mind right now...

one last thing...i think my nose piercing is infected...i am not very happy about that...but i am off to take a shower and clean the piercing really well right now...and also clean the nose ring...and put it back in...hopefully that will help...I think that vacation and the really dry hair and dusty air was not good for the piercing...

gotta go hop in the shower...


July 11, 2009

Just remembered that i typed out this poem/word vomit thing the other here you go...I think it is from almost a week or so ago...but that doesn't really matter...

Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?

Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…

Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)

Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…

now for my movie and then sleep...

Emmy R.


we got back home from vacation early this nice to be home...and to finally sleep in my own bed...

I just got done watching a movie about bulimia on youtube (I know it is lame that that is my friday night entertainment...) The movie is called "Sharing the Secret"...

It was a good movie...but sort of depressing...but invigorating at the same some ways it made me want to give made me think that the fight isn't worth it...but in other ways it made me want to stay strong and not cut...conflict within myself...

anyways...about to start another movie via youtube...Painful Secrets (aka Secret Cutting)...i've seen this one before and i really do love it. It is about a girl who cuts and her struggle and the path to healing...i really like this movie...but i am sort of frusturated because i can't get to work...(keepvid is a great site where you can download the videos from youtube...) I want to get all the parts to Painful Secrets and put them together and put them onto a DVD...

The agenda for tomorrow is that i will possibly go to the beach for a friend's sweet 16...otherwise i will hopefully going out and about...I want to get to the craft store and find some material for a sewing project i want to try...(i like to randomly make different clothing items...i want to make some kid's clothes...)

that's all for now...can't think of much to write...i wanted to write a poem...but i am too tired off to bed...

Emmy R.

July 2, 2009

Post Secret

just checked out this week's post secrets...amazing! i love it! ( anyways...i liked this secret...and many of the other ones...

i sent in a few secrets at one point...but they never showed up in the sunday secrets...maybe they are in the new book...i will have to look...

Emmy R.

Two posts in one...

I typed this out the other day while my family was driving to our next destination. I didn't get a chance to put it up on here until now. So here you go...

oh one more thing...not having access to blogger all the time has really made me miss my handwritten journal that i used to doesn't depend on internet access...i pretty much stopped using a journal when i started posting on here...and since i stopped using it i stopped bringing it everywhere with me...i think i am going to start using it again when i get home...

Emmy R.




Left alone

To fend for myself


That I am selfish

For feeling this way

Hating the fact that I can’t


Those emotions

Yesterday I got a text message to my phone…It was a Facebook status update…it said “Laura ******* said some tough goodbyes, moved into our apartment, and conquered an Israeli grocery store today. I can’t wait to fill you in on more detail…” I got this message and through my phone commented on Laura’s status update saying, “*hugs* I love you and miss you a lot…I am glad to know that you are starting to get settled in…hopefully we will be able to talk soon!” After sending that message it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears…I kept the tears back however because I was riding in the car with my family…and I hate to cry in front of ANYONE…so anyways…I sat there in the back seat of the family van siblings on either side of me fighting back tears…finally I distracted myself by shoving my nose into the third Harry Potter book (I’m re-reading them over the vacation) and lost myself in the story…

I’m in the car again now typing this in a Word document…driving south and we are going to go visit some of my dad’s friends and then drive even further south and visit some family…then slowly begin the trek home making random stops along the way…so there you have it…my exciting life…(:

Emmy R.

June 26, 2009


i keep trying to start a post but then fail to finish it when i get caught up in the wonderful world of the i am going to finish it this time...


i am gone on a family road trip around the us...partly for my cousin's wedding(which was in the same state i go to college in)...which i was a bridesmaid for and which went very well...but it was a busy busy few days preparing for the wedding and such....the actual wedding day went something like this
5:00am - get up and pack up to go to the church and get hair done...
5:30am - actually leave the house to head to church...
6:00am - arrive at church...
6-9am - all the bridesmaids and the bride get their hair done...
9:00am - wedding pictures...
10:00am - actual wedding service
after the service off to the next town for some more pictures...and to the lake for some pictures on the beach...
after those pictures to the place where the reception was held...and we were VERY late because all the roads were blocked by fallen trees because of a huge storm the night before... was a very busy well as the days before it...and after too...

after that we hung out for a couple of days in the area...and then went to the northern part of the state where the wedding was along with some family and camped with them for a few we are even further north in that state just camping with my family...truthfully i am ready to be done with the vacation... a little update about how I am actually doing...i haven't cut...though have been tempted...and i did bring my razors because there is a certain comfort of just having them with me...just knowing i could cut calms me down sometimes...

i have been missing my friend who moved to israel quite a bit...but i try to push that from my mind usually...i just don't want to deal with it...

ok that's it for to bed...

Emmy R.

June 12, 2009

saying goodbye...

today i said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world...
and I quite possibly won't see her for 3 years...
we both hope that at some point i will be able to go out to Israel and stay for a little while or she will be out by my college (she is originally from around there and her family still lives there)....but who knows....augh...i hate this...

another thing...i am a failure...a complete and utter failure...

i had a great chance to tell laura about the self harm...but i chickened out...

at first it was just really weird because we went shopping together and just were sort of hanging out and walking around the store and picking up some last minute things that she needs before her trip...and it just wasn't really a time or place where i could bring it up...i mean i didn't really want to talk about it in front of a whole bunch of people...and right after that she needed to drop me off back at home so she could get some more stuff done with other people...i kept on telling myself that i just needed to get it done with and say something to her on the car ride home...but it still didn't feel like the right basically i screwed up and didn't tell her...i am just so disappointed in myself...i almost want to cut...but i won't...i just won't...i'll have even more reason to hate myself if i let myself back into that habit...

I had e-mailed my RA to say hi and see how she is doing and she e-mailed me back to say that her grandmother had passed away and that she has been really busy with that and she asked me how i was doing...i told her that i was doing good but not looking forward to the next day (today) because i had to say goodbye to laura...she told me that if i needed to talk then i could call her and she would listen...but i don't think i will...even if things are bad...i mean i hope i will...but i just don't know...AUGH!!!...

I am really worried about what i would do if i were to mess up...previously i would have covered it up with a jacket or long high school i always wore a sweatshirt...even during the hottest i have worn a jacket like once in the past month...if i were to start wearing a jacket all of a would be suspicous...anyways...i just don't feel like talking about that anymore right now...

oh i have one other thing i wanted to mention...i hung out with my friend paige's little sister the other was really great...i always come away from when we hang out really refreshed...we had fun getting lunch and walking around the mall is really nice being with her because even if we don't talk about paige we both still share the fact that we knew and loved her...and it is great to be around someone that also shares those burdens and that pain with me...

ok wait...i have one more thing...then bed...i have this tv show that i am like absolutely in love with called degrassi: the next generation....basically it is a soap opera sort of thing (only not quite so dramatic) made for teens...anyways...that tv show came from a tv show made in the 80's which was an after school program for kids which talked about issues that kids their age started as "Degrassi Junior High" then became "Degrassi High" and then later then created "Degrassi: the Next Generation" which is what it is now....and it still talks about issues that many people face now and in a realistic way...The reason i am really fond of this show is because it is one of the things in my life that really helped me realize my self-harm was an of the characters, Ellie Nash, starts cutting to deal with her mom's drinking....and basically she ends up getting caught and starts to deal with the cutting and the stuff behind the ya...the reason i brought this up is because i have just started watching all the episodes of "Degrassi Junior High" is pretty cool because you get to see some of the adult characters in Degrassi: TNG and how they were as kids in Degrassi Junior High....anyways...i have really got to get to bed now....

Emmy R.

June 11, 2009

not sure...

I don't know if I can handle this
i really am not sure...
my best friend is moving away
and I won't see her for like three years
i am crying
and feeling stressed out
i feel like i am losing control
i really want to cut
it has always made things "better"
but i know that the
only seems better at the time...
and in the end is much worse
reminding myself of that
works for now
...for now...

I am hanging out with Laura as much as possible tomorrow since that is the last time i will see her for about three years. I am scared because I just don't want to have to deal with this...i just know that tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day and i HATE crying in front of people...actually i hate crying in you might have guessed....i still haven't talked to Laura about the cutting...i definitely really want to but i just haven't gotten the chance...i think i am going to tell her first thing that afterwards we can just hang out and it will have been done with...i am going to write out a practice conversation below...for some reason that always helps me get my thoughts straight...

*i get to her house and we exchange greetings and talk for a little bit, eventually the conversation dies down and we are just chilling*
E: Laura?
L: Ya
E: I have something I want to talk to you about...
L: What is it?
E: Do you remember at serve when i started talking to you about "it"
L: yes i remember...
E: well i have something i want to talk to you about about that...
L: ok...
E: First, I want to tell you what "it" is...Laura, i'm a cutter...I know you might think it is weird that i am bringing this up right before I won't see you for several years...but I really wanted to have a conversation about this...
L: *hugs* I am glad you felt comfortable with sharing that with me...
E: I am glad I did too. I want to tell you something else too...I started seeing a counselor at calvin and I am going to continue again next year...

gah...ok this conversation sucks and is really really fake and unrealistic...and it is actually stressing me out more than i was i am stopping it...hopefully the conversation will happen...i really do want to have this conversation tomorrow though...if i do you will be hearing about it...

Another thing...i leave on friday for a family vacation...we are going to the state where my cousin lives (also the state my college is in...) and i am in her wedding and then we are heading back home and meandering our way accross the US in a van and a stuff....

i know most of my posts have been lame lately...and they will probably continue to be so...especially when i am on vacation with little siblings looking over my shoulder all the time...

that's it for now...
Emmy R.

June 5, 2009

Pictures with my new camera...

rusty old trailer hitch from a trailer we used when I was younger...
Slide I played on as a kid in my backyard
pretty flowers from a bush in my backyard...

a kitten my mom got, her name is diamond
another kitten my mom got...his name is copper...

ok...that is all...time for bed...

Emmy R.

June 4, 2009


just got my beautiful Canon EOS Rebel XS today...*sigh* i have had a bit of fun today trying to figure out how to work it (there are SO many settings...)

I would like to name it...but I am not sure what I should name it...and I am not sure if it is a boy or a maybe a unisex taylor or something...

anyways...i walked around the house today and the yard finding random pictures to much fun!!!

I am going to put them up tonight yet I think...or perhaps tomorrow...

Emmy R.
Just about to head to bed but I wanted to put up an update about today...and tomorrow...

I brought lunch to school for my sisters was fun to be back on campus and to not have to wear uniforms there (: (I went to a private christian CRC affiliated school [From K-12] where we had to wear nasty little uniforms [though the uniforms were only started my 8th grade year...and at that point the whole school got them...]...ugh...horrible)

Anyways...after that I went to WalMart and was looking at Digital SLR camera cases...not much to see there...but i stopped and bought a few cans of chef boyardee, some applesauce and some dog food for a homeless guy I saw on my way to the store...when I got out though he wasn't there and I couldn't find him...

After that I went and picked up my friend and brought her to our highschool so she could show her son off...(and btw...she went to the doctor's again and it turns out that she had a miscarriage of the baby she had just found out she was pregnant with...but the test was positive because she had been pregnant and she still had the hormones in her...) we hung out at school and then I brought her back home and then headed home myself...

On the way home I saw that same homeless guy again so I was able to give him the food and dog food...that was good...

Then I went out to eat with my family and babysat for a family that I have babysat for a TON in the past...

Then I came home and have been wasting my life in front of my computer...LOL...

Tomorrow (well actually today since it is after 2am)....I am sleeping in till whenever i decide to wake up and then going to chill around the house until my sister gets done with school...then I will be going to Best Buy with her and my dad for her to get her Laptop (gradation present) and me to get my camera (birthday present/I am paying for part of it). I don't remember if I talked about the camera I am getting in any previous posts but here is what I am getting...It is a Canon Rebel xs with an 18-55mm lens...see the pics...

so ya...I am super excited about that...but for bed...I will post pictures of my camera (or at least taken with it) soon...

Oh and one other thing....I really think I want to name my camera...any suggestions?

Emmy R.