December 27, 2008

ranting and "The Shack"

ugg...I hate when I am frustrated and want to cut for stupid reasons!!!

I just got in a fight with my brother and I really want to cry. Why does something so stupid make me so frustrated and upset???

I almost want to just give in because I almost don't even care anymore. but there is still some lingering part of me that wants to give in and cut myself or do something. I am currently on my laptop and the fan thing is blowing out really hot air. I want to just leave my arm there and burn it (as I have done before on my leg on accident).

ugg...i hate that I even consider that as an option...I have been SI free for over a year now! How can i even consider giving in??? I feel so stupid!!! Why do i even struggle anymore???

If I were to go with what the "Bible tells me" then this is just satan poking at me and trying to get me to give in. but i don't know what I believe.

I am feeling a little better now that I have written this out, but I am not feeling completely better....*sigh*

Currently I am reading this book called "The Shack" by William P. Young it is pretty good and I can extremely relate to certain parts of it. The book (so far, I have just barely started reading it) is about a guy, Mack, who receives a letter from "Papa", his wife's name for God, asking him to meet him in the shack, the same shack his young daughter's bloody dress was found it after she had been kidnapped. He goes there and at first just encounters the shack. He starts to leave and it trudging back to his vehicle through the snow when all of a sudden the area around him starts to thaw and it is as if spring is happening in a matter of minutes. Anyways he heads back to the shack, which has now been transformed into a nice house, and is greeted by a large black woman (signifying God, also called Papa), a middle eastern, Arab-looking man (signifying Jesus), and a small Asian woman who seems to be fading in and out of sight (signifying the Holy Spirit).

I am now just beginning on a conversation between God/Papa/the large black woman and Mack. Mack has become unsure of if God can protect him, or anyone, since his daughter's kidnapping and murder. He doesn't understand how God could really care about anyone or protect anyone when he couldn't even protect his little daughter.

Well there is more to the story...details I have missed...some which are important and others which are not. Anyways, so far it has been a good read. Supposedly it is based off a true story but I am not sure about that, we'll see i guess.

Emmy R.

December 24, 2008

Home at last...long, long last

I didn't have internet access when I typed this out. So I am posting it now!

10:48pm 12/23/2008

So I finally arrived home yesterday. I had to deal with a flight cancellation because of the weather which left me stuck at school for a day and a half. Then my flight was delayed two hours which caused me to miss my connecting flight. Missing my connecting flight caused me to have to wait till the next morning to get another flight to go home. The hotel was great and gave me eighteen dollars in food vouchers and they also gave me a hotel voucher which let me say at a hotel near the airport for free since I was stuck there overnight. I got to the hotel and it turns out that I was put up in a suite! Amazing!!! There was a living area, a kitchenette, a queen sized bed, and a bathroom area. It was pretty cool! I was upset to be stuck and miss another day of my vacation, or rather spend another day traveling. I was supposed to come home on Friday afternoon but instead I didn’t get in till Sunday afternoon. In all I missed about two days. But alas, I am finally home!

It has been nice being home! I am really enjoying spending time with family and friends! I am going to go to the mall with my sisters and a friend tomorrow morning and then going for coffee with some other friends tomorrow afternoon. That will be a lot of fun I think! I haven’t seen my friends who I am going to coffee with for about four months.

I had a really weird dream last night. In my dream I was being blamed for throwing flowers in front of my church and stomping on them and saying some rude things about the church (I don’t know what they were). I knew distinctly that I had not actually done it. A news van was following me around (from ABC family, except that I don’t know if they even really do news). They were asking me all of these questions about why on earth I was saying these things about my church. I was also being blamed for doing the same thing to another church as well. I was so confused and upset because I knew that I hadn’t done these things and I didn’t understand why people didn’t believe me. One of the people who were speaking out against me was my principal from my high school (a really weird and possibly irrelevant fact). I ran into the building that I was closest to and tried to escape the news people. I was really upset and confused and was crying. I ran into a room, which was the guidance counselor’s office at my elementary/middle school, and tried to talk to the person who was sitting in the chair behind the desk. This person was my RA. I started pouring my heart out to her and asking her over and over again to believe me because I needed someone on my side. She kept on telling me that I must have done something wrong for all of these people to be so angry and upset with me. I got this feeling that she was staffed by my principal and that was why she didn’t believe me. I continued to beg her to believe me.

At this point the dream ends. My mom knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and my siblings and some other family members. I awoke very frustrated and annoyed.

I wish I knew how to psychoanalyze dreams. Normally my dreams, when I actually dream (which is rare), don’t really bother me. This one, though, has got me feeling really weird. I kind of feel like this is telling me that I can’t trust someone. But who can’t I trust? There are so many dynamics within the dream! There is my home church for instance, my high school principal/my high school, my RA/dorm staff/college/the people I trust in my life, counselors/therapists, I have no clue. Can anyone help me with this?

Change of subject. I am both excited and worried about some things that are going to be happening during my vacation. One thing in particular that I am worried about is that I really want to tell a friend of mine/youth group leader about my history of SI. I believe that I have mentioned before in this blog about how much she has helped me through my SI without even really knowing about it. I love her so much that I think it is going to be a hard thing to talk about. I trust her with all my heart and I really hope that this conversation with her will not be too hard. I also am debating about when I should tell her. I will only be able to see her for two days out of my vacation. The last two days of my break. I don’t know if I want to tell her on the first day we get to see each other, which is a Sunday, or on the next day. Sunday might be hard because it might be weird trying to find time to talk just us two. Then there is Monday, I don’t know if Monday will be right either because I don’t want to tell her and then leave it hanging there. I want to be able to discus it if need be. I also don’t really know how to even begin talking about this with her. I don’t know if I should begin by talking about when I first asked her to hold me accountable for ‘it’ or if I should just tell her and get it out there. I am just pretty confused about the whole thing and am not quite sure what to do. Anyone have any suggestions?

I am really looking for people’s input in this particular post. I don’t know if anyone even reads this besides my one follower but if you do please, please, please post a comment and let me know your thoughts!

Emmy R.

December 19, 2008

Stupid Weather

So I was supposed to fly home this morning/afternoon...but since it is snowing like crazy my flight was canceled and now I am rescheduled to fly home tomorrow evening at 5:00ish....ugg...

I am sad because now I will be missing some stuff I was going to do with my family. We were going to go to a thing at my church tonight and then we were going to go to a theme park tomorrow...but since I won't be getting in till way late tomorrow...I guess that isn't going to happen...*sigh* oh well

but that is all i have to say for now...I think I am going to just laze stuff...

Emmy R.

December 13, 2008

Loving Myself...and Exams

I came to the conclusion recently that I am finally in a place where I have learned to love myself. I don't know how or when it happened but it is an amazing feeling! For so long I have hated my body and my looks. For sure I know that my body is not perfect but I have come to accept it. Wow, this is a seriously good feeling.

I am feeling sick-ish from eating too much candy today...woops...LOL... Exams start tomorrow (or today since it is 12:40am-ish) My first exam is at 1:30pm. Not too bad. I am going to study for a little longer tonight and then I am going to go to bed and get up at 10am-ish tomorrow and study some more. Tomorrow's exam is Spanish, I suck in that class. But it is ok I can still pass the class even if I get a D- on the exam. Currently I have a C in the class. My goal is to get at least a C on the exam if not better. If I only pass the class then it won't transfer if I ever decide to transfer univeristies, but if i get a C- or better then it will transfer...

Anyways, my exam tomorrow is for Spanish, like I said and Spanish isn't exactly my forte...oh well...

I will let you know how it goes...

The rest of my exam schedule goes as follows:
Saturday: 1:30pm - Spanish
Sunday: no exams
Monday: no exams
Tuesday: 1:30pm - Philosophy
Wednesday: 9:00am - Biology
Thursday: 6:30pm - Social Work
Friday: no exams - I am flying home!!!!

Ok...time for me to quit being distracted and get a little more studying done!

Emmy R.

December 9, 2008

Right now I am reading "Till We Have Faces" by C.S. Lewis. I have to read it for my Philosophy class. I put off reading it till the last minute because I didn't want a whole bunch of God propaganda shoved down my throat...or into my eyes since I was reading it...

Anyways, It actually hasn't had to do anything with God that I have seen so far. I am about 1/3 of the way through it. I guess it is the retelling of a myth, and if I had bothered to read the rest of the title ("Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold") I would have realized that and maybe started on it a little earlier.

Anywho...I don't really have time to finish reading it tonight since it is almost 1am and I have class at 8:30am. But I have to finish reading it and then take an online quiz on it as well...

Well at least this is the last week of actual classes, and there is no class on Friday. But then come exams and I am not looking forward to those either.

Currently I am taking about 14 credit hours. I am taking Social Work (3 credit hours), Biology (3 credit hours), Philosophy (3 credit hours), Spanish (4 credit hours), and I had to take a 1 credit hour class called Prelude which is basically an introductory class to college life. There is no exam for Prelude which was only a half semester class. But I have exams in all four other subjects. I am coming very close to not passing all but Philosophy. If I don't pass Spanish and Social Work then that ruins my schedule for next semester...ugg...

But whatever...I should get back to reading "Till We Have Faces" or maybe just take the quiz and go to bed...

Emmy R.

December 8, 2008

just a blog...and a random one at that...

All I have done all day today is go to church this morning and then do some laundry and watch Harry Potter all afternoon (the movies were on abc family today) and then I just talked to my mom. Oh and I also just had a lovely conversation with my RA. I love her more and more each day!

I am thinking about telling my RA about my faith struggle. I would really like to tell someone, actually tell someone not just type it out, about my faith struggle. I want someone to tell me that they know how it is to be angry at God. How you hate Him so much yet you somehow believe that He could be a great God, but that you are just such a horrible person that He would never want you back. As I type out that last sentence I am crying, I didn't realize that is how I feel until now. I guess this typing out of my feelings is doing me some good. I don't know how the God I have been raised to see is so loving could ever love someone like me. Someone so stupid that they find comfort in a razorblade slicing open their skin. And something inside of me is telling me that there is no point in fighting the urges anymore. I hate myself for thinking that, and for almost believing it. I also consider how my RA will react to my telling her this, if I ever do decide to do so. Will she hug me and tell me that she has felt the same way? Will she reject me and tell me that I should never feel that way? Will she encourage me or knock me down?


OK I have calmed myself down a little now and I might be able to actually finish this blog...

I just don't know where on earth my life will be taking me from here. Sometimes I really truly believe that there is a God who cares but other times I just don't. And if there is a God, how much of what I have been taught to believe is actually true?

Oh dear...

Well I am off to read Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. I have to read it for my philosophy class. I am not quite sure why...
Perhaps I will write about what I think about it later...I have heard that it is an amazing book!

More to come later...sorry that this post is so random...starts out happy and then goes sad and then ends pretty fast...whatever...

I wrote a poem the other day...but I am not going to post it as of now...this one was just another poem about how much I wanted to self-harm the other day...I don't think I should relive those feelings right now...

Emmy R.

December 3, 2008

Missing My Family

So I am pretty sure that I have mentioned this before, but I am half way across the country right now at college. Today I got a package in the mail from my family. My siblings baked me some cookies and frosted them. One cookie says "I <3 you!" and has the names of my four siblings on it. I also got a letter from my brother who is 10. They made me cry since I haven't seen my family in almost 4 months and I won't see them till Christmas break. My brothers card said that he loves me and misses me and really wants to hang out when I get home. I can't wait!!!

The card and cookies made me cry. I haven't had a good cry in a long time and I was really overdue for one!

When I left for college I knew from the get-go that I was going to be far away from my family, and I sort of knew what to expect.

But one thing I definitely did not expect was how much I miss my family. I didn't think I would be homesick at all, but about a month into being here it kind of hit me that I wasn't going to see my family for another three months or so. Since then I have been homesick sporadically. I miss my family SO much and can't wait to go home and just spend some time with them. You know the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? This is definitely true in my case! I can't wait to go home and just chill with each of my siblings and spend time with each of them, and actually talk to them. I have taken my family for granted for way too long now, but since I haven't seen them for so long I am really beginning to see what I am missing.

I miss the late night chats and going shopping with my sisters. Chatting with my brothers and taking them to the mall. I am missing so much of their lives this year. My sisters are a sophomore and a senior and my brothers are in 5th and 6th grade. Man I can't wait to see them!

Emmy R.

December 1, 2008

Right now

I am feeling really stressed out! Tomorrow I have a spanish test, a lab practical, a two hour long movie which I am supposed to watch for my spanish class tonight, and a 8-10 page paper due! Also I am not ready at all for the end of the semester or finals!

Anyways, not a very long post for today, I am going to get some work done. I think I will just watch that movie some other time.

ok well writing that down made me feel a little better...

more later...probably not tonight...but I will post more later this week as the stress dies down a little bit...if it dies down...we still have to get through exams which start not this saturday but the following one....ugh...

Emmy R.