September 9, 2010

Once Again

Every time I post, pretty much, I say something along the lines of "It has been a while since I posted, but I just wanted to give you an update..." And once again this is basically about that.

I just recently headed back to college and am done with the first two days of classes. It is weird this year because I have moved to a different dorm with different rules and a change in the basic setup of it all. There have been a lot of changes lately, and I am not sure if they are for the better or not. I was supposed to room with a friend, which would have been nice because I would have gotten a chance to have a higher level of comfortability, but that changed last minute. I do not fare well with change, and although my new roommate is great, it has been hard to get used to all this change within a few weeks of school starting. Also now that classes have started I have added stress with that.

Like I said, my roommate is nice, but she is almost nice to an extreme. It is kind of weird. I never really had a relationship with my previous roommate, we just basically lived in the same space, but this roommate like wants to talk about our day, and I am just really not used to it, so it is a bit weird.

Also another thing that has changed recently, is my relationship with my friend that I was going to live with. I do not think that the strangeness is because of the moving out thing though. I feel it is more because of the fact that she started dating one of my other friends during this summer. They seem great together, but it is definitely awkward to hang out together when it is just Brandy and Jordan, and even more so because Jordan acts like a little gentleman and like helps Brandy out of her seat and stuff, and opens doors for her, I mean I guess it is all stuff that guys are supposed to do for their girlfriend, but it just seems awkward and weird.

I just feel myself growing apart from Brandy and Jordan, like however much closer they get, the further I get from Brandy in particular. I hate it, but it just feels like that. And then they do all this stuff together and hang out and do other couple-y stuff, and then I get left behind by myself in my dorm room.

Other than that I have been feeling really down lately, near the end of the summer it got pretty bad, and then it got a bit better for like a week, and then lately it has gotten worse again. I am never really interested in doing anything more than I have to, half the time I do not even care about working on my relationship with my friends. I just sit by my computer when I am not in class or at work, and mess around watching youtube videos and on tumblr. I have also been really tired all the time, which lately I have blamed on jet-lag from my flight to school, but really is not based on that I do not think. I realize that what I just said is like basically the definition of what depression is, but I do not know if I can see myself getting any help for it. Also lately my cutting has gotten worse again, I constantly feel like cutting, but half the time I am too down to do anything about it, and most of the time I just really cannot even bring myself to care anymore, like I just do not care if I get better or not. I have been cutting on my legs now because it is easier to hide, but once winter comes I might go back to my arms, because it feels better for some reason. I feel so lame and just out of it. Part of me wants to get out of this funk and get some help for it, and maybe some medication, but the other part just tells me I deserve to feel this way and why go to the counseling center at school because it is not like they will help anyways.




Sorry this is such a downer post, I hope that all is well for anyone who actually reads this blog...

August 10, 2010

When things like this happen
I automatically blame myself
It makes me feel
Like less of a person
I start to hate myself
Again

And I blame myself
Because it has happened
To me
This abandonment
Far too many times in my life
It makes me hate myself

When I am just learning
To love myself again
And my world crashes around me
So generally I fight any relationship
I am a loner

And I do not trust
So it hurts even more
When it comes from

One of the few people

Who I have let in






So i haven't updated in a while, screwed up again today, I just haven't been doing well this summer...

right now i am sort of in a bad place. I cut today and am just really feeling down and bad in general...i haven't been doing so great in general lately with sort of a roller coaster of emotions...

It all started with a routine TB skin test which tested positive...so i had to get a chest X-Ray which was negative, so my doctor said i have latent TB and there is pretty much no chance of it going positive unless i wait till i am old or have some sort of immune deficiency so she put me on an antibiotic to kill whatever i do have in me so there will be no chance of getting it, unless of course i am exposed again...


anywho i told my friend who i was going to be rooming with next year because i though it was sorta humorous...i really didn't think anything of it because my doctor said that testing positive and exposure was pretty common and i wouldn't get active and blah blah blah...so i told her and she told her mom and her mom freaked out and overreacted and told her she shouldn't room with me anymore because of it... (she has had her husband (Lung Disease, he was not a smoker or anything) and first daughter (SIDS) die of lung related diseases) and she basically runs her daughters life because she is way too worried all the time and over protective (my friend, brandy, is not even allowed to eat microwave popcorn because some ingredient in it can cause issues with the lungs, like i said over protective)


so now my friend is going to ditch me and move into another room or something, if she even can at this point with only 3 weeks left before the school year...so basically i am now just really frustrated with her mom for running her life and also with her for letting her mom do it...and also with myself for even telling her in the first place...it is all bullshit...and i am pissed off about it...


but there is nothing i can do about it anymore because though she asked me for my opinion she really didn't consider it and had already pretty much made up her mind...


the thing that frustrates me the most is that i feel abandoned (yet again) by someone i love...now obviously she will still hang out with me (or so she says she will) so she didn't really abandon me she just chose not to live with me...but it feels like i have been abandoned...


I am probably crazy for thinking that way...but




July 21, 2010

Pro-Choice Because

I just ran across an interesting pro-choice website. It is interesting for the fact that it consists of just submissions which are quotes made by pro-choice people. I have a few of my favorites I have found so far that I wanted to share.

Here is the link to the website: http://www.prochoicebecause.com/index.php

"Choice. What happens to all the sixteen eighteen or twenty year old "murderers"? jail time? death penalty? a fine? whats the point. not cool to punish someone for making a choice affecting their OWN life."
- Anonymous

"I am prochoice because I believe in the sanctity of women's health care. Laws prohibiting abortions may lead women to back-alley clinics with little to no post-op and the very likely chance that they will not survive or be rendered completely infertile. The chance that this situation may occur is too great to be ignored." - Talli

"The situation is NEVER black and white." - Anonymous

"I am pro choice because I have seen a 12 year old incest victim deliver a child and then proceed to have a pulmonary embolism and die. She never had a choice not to have sex. She never had a choice to use birth control. She never had a choice to terminate her pregnancy. She never had a choice to live."
- Anonymous

"I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?" That sums up my feelings quite nicely." - Kate

"I think that if I had a child right now, my child would have two options: 1. Be raised by me and go without because I'm not ready yet. I'm emotionally immature and not ready financially. 2. Be adopted and think that I didn't love that child enough to keep it. Either way, I love my future children enough to make sure they never have to suffer with either option."- Marissa

""You cannot have two entities with equal rights occupying one body. One will automatically have veto power over the other - and thus they don't have equal rights. In the case of a pregnant woman, giving a "right to life" to the potential person in the womb automatically cancels out the mother's right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." It's my body." - Anonymous

This last one sums up my own thoughts on the matter pretty well:
"I am pro-choice, not pro-abortion. While I could never make that decision myself, I recognize that I am not God, and I cannot pass supreme moral judgement on the choices of other women. Every woman should choose as she sees fit." - Anonymous

June 20, 2010

Sorry i have not updated in a while...i have been busy and just not felt like writing at all...

I have been doing a little too much thinking lately...or rather tonight....
I should probably start at the beginning...

Today I went to a childhood friend's baby shower. We have known each other forever (since we were like 3 or 4) and grew up in the same neighborhood until she moved when we were in 8th grade because of some issues she was having (hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing drugs and so much more). But I went to her shower and before that we were shopping for a baby gift (my mom and one of my sisters and I). My mom kept making remarks through the shopping and car ride to my friend's mom's house. She was talking about how my friend did things in the wrong order (had sex, got pregnant, got married) instead of the right way (got married, had sex, got pregnant). I was like sometimes things just happen, and she was like well you can stop those things from happening. I get so frustrated by my mom's close-mindedness sometimes. It is not like she purposely got pregnant. I mean my mom just views it like everyone should just be a perfect christian and not have sex and she says it like it is the easiest thing in the world. Maybe she had an easy time with it (I do NOT want to even think about my mom with a sex drive, but seeing as I am one of five kids...). Idk my mom just seems to judge everyone lately, my friend whose shower I went to is just one of 2 friends of mine who have gotten pregnant/had a kid before they were married. She is just being so judgmental. I still wonder what it would be like to have a mom who I could confide in. I wish I had a mother figure of some sort I could just talk to, who would not judge me for the things I do.

It hurts a lot to have my mom judge strangers on their lifestyle choices. I used to think that if I ever got pregnant outside of marriage (which, lets face it, is not on the near horizon, seeing as I am 20 and have been on one date, never had a boyfriend and never even been kissed) that she would support me, but I highly doubt it, if I ever got pregnant I would have to hide it from my parents and adopt the baby out or get an abortion (which i couldn't do because I am personally against abortion, though i also believe it should be the woman's choice). I know now more than ever that my mother would never forgive me and would judge me harshly for having sex and getting pregnant. I think that once I am out of college and have a job and on my own insurance I want to get on birth control of some kind just so that I can have a safety net in place if I ever were to have sex...

wow...i am just really frustrated with the whole situation...i am just a type of person who is accepting of other people no matter what. I try my hardest not to judge because it is not my place to, and often i have begun to see my levels of what I accept to have risen above what they used to be. Like I now see more and more the difference between Gender and Sex and also the whole gender continuum and now I accept the gender continuum a lot more than I used to...


I am rambling now...so i should probably go to bed so i can sleep off my frustration...i think what frusturates myself the most is that I really truly do NOT want to become that judgmental person...and I heard myself say something that could have come off as judgmental today to my friend, but i did not mean it that way i think my mom does not always mean it that way, but sometimes it comes out that way...


bye now...

Emmy R.

April 22, 2010

Parenthood

so I have been watching this TV show called Parenthood. It is a really great show all about a family and their interactions together. You see hard things that go on from a kid diagnosed with aspergers to rebellious teenagers who hide weed in their backyard to a single mom who falls on hard times and has to move back in with her parents along with her two kids.

I was watching the most recent episode called "Rubber Band Ball" on hulu today. (http://www.hulu.com/watch/143513/parenthood-rubber-band-ball)

at 33min about there is the single mom trying to talk to her daughter. She is trying so hard to understand what is going on. I wish my mom had done that. I wish she had pushed harder, but still knew when to stop. (earlier in this episode the daughter, amber, was in her room and her mom, sarah, wanted to talk and amber just said not now, through tears...and sarah let it go...she gave amber her space, it was the epitome of a perfect interaction) but back to the scene I am at now.

Sarah: you know, i am done trying to control you, it doesn't work.
Amber: you know, i'm fine
Sarah: are you? sometimes I'm not sure. I just don't want us to be like this, i love you so much, i think i'll just try to get along with you and trust you
Amber: ok
Sarah: ok
Amber: I'm meeting Damien, he's picking me up
Sarah: ok

now that I have typed this out I am realizing that it makes no sense out of context. If you want to know the context then watch the episode, actually watch all the episodes. it is an AMAZING show! Not to get all show crazy about this show, but a lot of what goes on just hits me hard and is much deeper than what you would expect from a tv show. These two characters particularly interest me. Maybe because I have never had much of a relationship with my mom...maybe because the two deepest and most intimate conversations I have ever had with my mom went like this:

Me: I...I started my period...[first period]
Mom: well do you have stuff?
Me: nope...
Mom: well just take this [hands me pad] and go to the bathroom...

and the second...

Me: so, I my friend is telling me these things...about drugs and what she does with boys, she is having sex and doing drugs...
Mom: she is probably lying, just forget about it...




wow....those sound even lamer typed out than I already know they are...funnily enough these two conversations happened in the summer before 7th grade and in 7th grade...i was having enough crap going on in my life and my mom just didn't seem to care...she was embarrassed about the period talk and didn't want to believe that a 7th grader could be having sex or into hardcore drugs...(that friend was addicted to crystal meth by the end of 8th grade)

It is no wonder I do not trust her to talk to about this sort of stuff...if i ever have kids (with a husband, adopted or sperm donation) I want my kids to be able to talk to me...i will not shut them down because I am embarrassed...I will not let them believe that they have anything to be embarrassed about...

ok well i really need to get going on my homework...i have a ton of paper due in the next week...

Emmy R.

April 18, 2010

Parallel?

I feel like I know how those people feel who want to go back to their boyfriend or girlfriend after their girlfriend or boyfriend beats them. This is the story in several parts of my life.

One part is the part where I am friends with Amanda. She treated me like crap, told me she hated me, and yet I still care about her. Why do I still care about her? Amanda was in no way my boyfriend or girlfriend. She was a mere friend. Or at least someone I thought was my friend. She treated me like crap. She told me she hated me. She has given me no reason to care anymore. But yet I do still care. I wish that there was something I could do to make things better. But there just isn’t. Part of me wants to call her and say something to make everything better, do something, and beg her forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done. Another part of me just doesn’t care. At all. It wants to forget that our relationship ever happened. It wants to go on with my life and forget. These two parts of me are fighting and fighting. It is an internal fight, only erupting when I am most frustrated and begin to cry. Part of me wants to tell myself that this isn’t worth crying over. This relationship is not worth it. Another part misses what we had and feels sorrow for the loss. I know in my head that all she has caused me is pain in the recent past but for some reason all my heart remembers is the good memories. I go back and forth and back and forth and I have no one to talk to about it. I might talk to my sister, if only we could talk face to face. I might talk to my best friend, Laura, but she is all the way in Israel and again I cannot talk to her face to face. No one I really want to talk to, who is not involved in the direct situation is available to talk to. The only other option is to maybe go to the counseling center at school. The only problem is that I do not want to talk to some stranger right now. I want to talk to someone who kind of knows me, at least a little bit. Maybe I could talk to my RD from last year. I feel like he knows me a bit because he knows about my cutting. Maybe he can understand where my mind goes. I do not know. We will have to see.

Another part is me and cutting. I turn to it and it hurts me. I never end up better from my interactions with it. I have never had something completely positive come out of it. Yet I want it. I want to go back to it. I long to be held in its arms, to have its blade caress my arm. I long, I long, I long. But I know all it does it hurt me. In the end all I end up with is regret and shame and cuts that need caring for, and after that scars. This whole week I have been worrying about my scars. They show a brighter pink when I get cold and they keep being obvious. I am so freaked out that someone will see and it will lead to an awkward conversation that I am just not ready for. In general if the normal public see I do not care. I just care if my friends see, or someone else who I care what they think. I spent my dorm banquet in a sweater over my dress. I keep hiding my arms under sweatshirts.

But I need to go study. Perhaps I will write more another day.

March 22, 2010

oh and a little tidbit more...

so there is this really great thing that I was reading the other day...it is a post on a website (http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/living.html) which talks about how to "come out" about self-harm...i have read it a few times already but I want to read it over again soon...but for now I am going to share the "coming out" part of it on here...i really like that part in particular...but there are others that are equally good....so anyone reading my blog can also read the post...i think it is definitely a good one....plus if you want to read more please go to the link...


Coming out

Admitting to the people in your life that you self-injure is analogous in many ways to the process of coming out as gay or bi. This list of things to consider when deciding to tell those you love about your way of coping with stress is adapted from a coming-out list in Bass and Kaufman 1996.

The assumption here is that you'll tell people about your SI in a conversation, but that's not the only way to come out. Some people have found that writing down everything they want to say and presenting it to someone has worked for them. If you choose this approach, follow the general guidelines below and be sure you remain available for discussion after the person has read what you've told them. If you want to come out to someone via email, I'd suggest you follow up immediately with a chat session or a telephone call.

Be willing to give the other person some time to digest, though -- if you follow up with them and they say "I'd like to think about this for a while," give them space. Ask them to let you know when they're ready to talk, and let it go.

  • Be sensitive to the other person's feelings
    It can be nearly as hard for them to hear it as it is for you to tell them. Realize that they're probably wondering what they did wrong or how they could have prevented you from feeling so much pain or why you turned out "sick." You don't have to accept their value judgments about your SI, but be open to hearing what they have to say about it. You might learn something, and you can teach them a great deal.

  • Explain that coming out is an act of love
    Let them know that your deciding to tell them about self-injury is a sign of your love for and trust in them. Usually, a person decides to tell someone about his/her SI because s/he loves them, wants or needs their loving support, and is tired of keeping a whole part of her/himself from them. The desire to be open and to trust outweighs the fear of rejection or hatred or disgust. Let the person you're telling about your self-harm know you're not trying to punish. manipulate, or guilt-trip them.

  • Pick a place that is private and a time that is unhurried
    This is serious stuff. Find a time when everyone involved is available for a long conversation. Do it in a place where everyone's comfortable and there's no need to worry about being overheard. If you're rushed or hurried or afraid other people nearby will hear and react, you're not going to be able to give your full attention to the conversation and neither will anyone else.

  • Don't tell others in anger
    Don't use your SI as a weapon: "Oh, yeah, well look, you made me cut/burn/scratch/hit!" To get the love and understanding you're seeking, you may have to give some in return. Whether or not the person you have decided to share your secret with has contributed to the problems that led to your SI is irrelevant to the coming-out conversation. If you start getting angry and blaming, you're going to put the other person on the defensive and they'll get angry. The whole process will bog down and be hideously unpleasant and unproductive. Using SI as a weapon also increases the likelihood that the person you're coming out to will react in exactly the ways you're hoping they won't.

  • Consider enlisting an ally
    If you have a friend or therapist who understands your SI you might want to ask them to sit in on the conversation. A neutral third person can help keep things calm.

  • Provide as much information as you can
    This is crucial.The more someone knows about something, the less they fear it. Many people have never heard of self-injury or have heard weird sensationalized tabloid reports. Be prepared to give the person books or names of books, articles, photocopies, printouts, addresses of web sites, etc. Gather as much information as you can so you can answer their questions accurately and honestly.

  • Be willing (and prepared) to answer their questions
    You may have to educate them about SI. Encourage them to ask whatever questions they may have. If they ask a question you don't have an answer to,say "I don't know" or "I can't say" or even "I prefer not to get into that right now." Be as open as you can. You might want to anticipate questions they'll ask and get an idea of how you want to answer those before you come out. You can ask other people who've come out what they were asked to get some ideas.
    You should also have a good idea in your mind of what you want to do about the self-injury -- they're going to ask. Do you want treatment? What sort? If not, what's the rationale for not treating it? Do you want them to help you stop or control it? How can they help? What's too intrusive and what isn't? Now is a good time to start setting boundaries.

  • It's not necessary to bring up the most disturbing topics in the first conversation
    Don't start by describing in technicolor detail the time you needed 43 stitches and a transfusion. It's probably best to avoid graphic descriptions of what you do; if asked, just say "I cut myself on the wrist" or "I hit the walls until I get bruises" or whatever. Try not to freak them out; you can give details (if necessary) in some other conversation.

  • Trust your own judgment
    Do what feels natural to you. You know yourself and your family and friends far better than I ever will.

  • Communicate
    Be willing to talk to the people you're coming out to about your reactions, and ask them to let you know what they're thinking. Communication goes both ways.

March 21, 2010

so...what do i do when...

earlier today I saw my sister's arms...she has 3 scars there which most people would probably not pick out, but because of my history with cutting I saw them right away...I right away considered the fact that they were just marks from how she slept...(you know how the creases in bedsheets can leave marks?)...or something like that...but later today I looked at her arms again, pretending to just be looking at her bracelets and messing around and turning her bracelets in circles on her arms and turning her arms to look at the bottom where I had seen the marks before...she jokingly pulled away and was like what are you doing? and I was like I am just messing with your bracelets...and we just laughed....

but now I do not really know if i should say anything about it or if i should just leave it alone...i mean i know that it would freak me out if someone were to just confront me about scars...i would like practically hyperventilate....so i am kind of in a weird place of thought on this...i mean if she is cutting I would want her to stop so that it doesn't get worse than it is now...but on the other hand maybe it was a one time thing, or she just needs to wait until her own time to figure that out...i feel like I should just remind her that I will always love her no matter what...nothing will stop that...and I would probably like to just tell her that I am always here to listen...that is probably what I will do...

and anyways, besides that, I have really been considering telling my RA about my struggle...it is just wierd though...like if i tell her she is going to have to tell our RD, who is pushing for me to be and RA alternate...how do i know if he will judge me? maybe he will think that because I struggle with this it means that I would not be a good RA...i really do not know...i flip back and forth between telling and not telling constantly...just like i flip back and forth between going back to counseling and not going back...i just do not know...

there are pros and cons to each side...some are obvious and others are not...

I guess one of the pros of telling people in general (not just my RA) is that I can be real with people...not just pretending that I am ok, even when I am not...

but going along with that...it would almost be like I had to go to people to get help when I was doing bad...like I didn't have the option to try to sit it through...and i would feel like if I did mess up it would be way worse and I would be a disappointment...and then if I told my RA about a mess-up she would have to tell my RD...and that makes things a bit screwy...and plus the "having to get help" thing would screw with my control issues...man...i am way more screwed up lately..maybe i should go back to counseling...i have had "out of control" things happen to me way too much lately...i feel like more than normal...luckily i have been able to deal with them...

****

oh i just remembered something that happened at my "talk" between my "friend" and me and RA...i mentioned something about how her flipping back and forth between liking me and not liking me screws with me and how our relationship is just not healthy and how that is just especially not good for me...and she was like well why is it so bad for you? and I was just like well that is something i do not feel comfortable telling you, especially if you are not interested in being friends....you could use it against me...and she was just like well whatever...i think she thought I was lying...when in fact that is the most honest I have been with anyone in a really really long time...

****

ok before I post this message I just want to go through a conversation thing, for anyone who hasn't been reading this blog since earlier on, this might seem a little weird, but this is something i like to do before i have a conversation, sometimes over and over and over, to decide if i will have a conversation......

Me: Hey Leah, can we talk?
Leah (RA): Sure what is up Em?
Me: If I tell you something, how much of it do you have to tell *RDs name*?
Leah: (Answers question)
Me: ok, well, ummm, I want to tell you something kind of personal, actually really personal, something that barely anyone knows about me...
Leah: ok...
Me: well do you remember when you had Amanda and I in here and we talked?
Leah: *nods*
Me: well i said something during that, something about how this sort of situation is really not good for me...and then amanda asked why and I said I did not feel comfortable talking to her about it...well that is what I wanted to talk about...
Leah: mmk...
Me: this isn't exactly something easy to talk about, but i feel like it is something I need to learn to talk about...
Leah: ok well you can tell me if you want...
Me: Leah, can you promise me that you will not judge me? will you still be my friend? can we not be weird around each other if I tell you this?
Leah: *nods*
Me: mmk... *looks down at hands, not at leah* well i struggle with cutting...when i get in a bad situation that is what i turn to...i mean not always, but I often get tempted to turn there, it sort of turned into an addiction after so long of using it to cope with some really hard stuff that has happened into my life....*still looking at hands and glances up, searching leah's face for some giveaway of what she is thinking...*
Leah: ..................................*****and i never know how they will react*****...................................







ok so sort of a sad note to leave this blog post on...but i want to get some stuff done before i go to bed since i have to get up in the morning to babysit (: I am excited to see some of my kids I babysat for in high school! I love all those kids!!!

March 15, 2010

just fyi...

so....

I had a meeting with my RA and my "friend" Amanda. Amanda came our RA the other night and asked her about possibly moving out of the dorm because she is pissed off at me and because she is pissed off at some of our other friends. So she went to our RA to ask her about that and our RA decided that it would be a good idea to get me and Amanda to talk this thing out.

My RA called me this afternoon at around 4:30pm and told me that we were meeting at 6:30pm. The wording she used was "asking" me if i would come, but i did not feel like I had the ability to decline. I was freaking out in my last post about the situation because I was feeling completely out of control and just freaking out because I was just really feeling nervous and stressed and out of control. I think it was this added on to the whole frustration with Amanda and the fact that it is midterms week and I am helping organize the dorm banquet. My life is stressful and this lack of control just really freaked me out...i wanted to cut SO bad!!! but I sat here and wrote out my previous post and just really spit it all out. I then went to dinner and came back after I ate and went to my room and sat for a while. Then it was time to go to the meeting. I went over there and sat down in my RAs room. Eventually Amanda came and joined us. We all just sat there for a bit and it was all i could do to not dig my nails into my arms so i could bleed (thank goodness i just clipped my nails). Anyways, we sort of started talking and basically Amanda told me what I was doing wrong, which was that my personality sucked and she didn't like it, so I told her that she was complaining about my personality and she got all defensive. She then started talking about how she only tried to be friends with me for our mutual friend's sake and how she has basically not put any effort into our friendship for the whole school year because she just doesn't care. Meanwhile I stayed pretty much silent the whole time focusing all my effort on trying to stay in control (I was copying the pattern on the pillow that was in my lap with my finger, weird i know, but it helps...)...so then after a while Amanda basically just said that she isn't really interested in being friends anymore. So I was like ok then, and my RA told me I could leave and she was gonna talk to Amanda about the specifics of what she had to do to move out.

After that I started bawling on the way back to my room but my roommate was there so it was weird so I went down to the prayer room in the basement...and just lay there and bawled...and then I stopped crying and went back upstairs. I went about my evening as normal...but still having the lack of control bugging me in the back of my mind.

so basically I decided that I need to talk to my RA about that. but I feel like things are a bit awkward now between us. We are friends, but I just do not know what it will be like now...but I still think that it will be good to talk to her about it. Maybe even talk to her about the cutting...so she knows why....or something...i do not know...

ok I need to start getting ready for bed...

bye

Emmy R.
I am not doing so hot right now...i just want to go cut and make things better...life sucks...

my friend hates me
she thinks i am wrong
I think she is wrong
she got mad at me for something stupid
and then she forgave me
and then she got mad again
and then we talked it out
and she forgave me
and now she hates me again
she has been ignoring me
except when we yell at each other
and now
she went to our RA
and now we are meeting tonight
to "talk about things"
i kept telling her before
that we needed to get a mediator and talk about it
she didn't want to
so last night i finally decided
i was done
but now she wants to talk
i hate this
i am freaking out a lot now
i want to make things better
the only way i know how
it helps....
right?
it helps.
it will make things better
my brain is lying to me
my arms ache for the blade
the blood creeping through my skin
coming out my veins
pooling
then
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
but i will not
i need to calm down
but i never let myself
learn another way
so i will sit her
hold my knees to my chest
and rock
and rock
and rock
rock until i can stand
to walk away from the blade
and deal with this shit

when i finally choose to give up
you decide you want to hold on
and then my arms forget
their desire to hold the blood inside
and my brain stops working
the way a 'normal' person's does

but, i made it through just now...
and i held on another day
i'm on day 25 (:




but on a more positive note I just need to get through this week until friday and then I fly home, and everything will just be better and I will not have to deal with this...

Emmy R.

March 7, 2010

another poem...

3-4-2010

Just another little note
Reminding me of my failures
Not like I do not get smacked
In the face
By them every day
(The scars which line my arms)
Because they define me
My failures define me
I lie to myself
And tell myself that they do not
But they do
Each scar along my arm
Just another definition
That I have laid upon myself




*******
the note I am referring to in this post is a letter I got from my college that told me that I did not get into the RA position that I had applied for...
as of now I am in a much better mood as far as this goes...my RA told me that she already knows of someone who is probably going to drop out of their RA position so hopefully I will get to be an RA afterall...



btw. today is day 17, i wrote the poem thing on day 14...i am still going strong!

Emmy R.

March 1, 2010

I hate
that I can not
cry when i want
i hate
that I cry
when I should not
I wish i had
some semblance of control
over my emotions
But unfortunately they control me
they control me
they beat me when I am down
they hit me when I cannot handle them
so I try to run from them
I try to hide them
I cut my skin
to push them away
to hide them beneath my skin
I wish i knew another way
to do this
but it has been 6 years
Six years
how can I relearn this thing after 6 years
how can i teach myself
to show my emotions
after so long
6 years, almost one third of my life
one third wasted
in bondage
to this thing called cutting
one third where I made choices
not to feel
I made choices
to hide
I made choices
to cut
I made choices
that have led to an addiction
which controls my life
it controls each step I take
for everything I involve myself in
i have to take into consideration
my weakness...





I am in a sucky place right now...i do not really trust myself right now...I am headed over to my RAs room to see if i can get a hug...and then off to my meeting tonight...

for now goodbye...

Emmy R.

February 28, 2010

February 26, 2010

Coming out

here is an article I found from: http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/injury.html

Admitting to the people in your life that you self-injure is analogous in many ways to the process of coming out as gay or bi. This list of things to consider when deciding to tell those you love about your way of coping with stress is adapted from a coming-out list in Bass and Kaufman 1996.

The assumption here is that you'll tell people about your SI in a conversation, but that's not the only way to come out. Some people have found that writing down everything they want to say and presenting it to someone has worked for them. If you choose this approach, follow the general guidelines below and be sure you remain available for discussion after the person has read what you've told them. If you want to come out to someone via email, I'd suggest you follow up immediately with a chat session or a telephone call.

Be willing to give the other person some time to digest, though -- if you follow up with them and they say "I'd like to think about this for a while," give them space. Ask them to let you know when they're ready to talk, and let it go.

  • Be sensitive to the other person's feelings
    It can be nearly as hard for them to hear it as it is for you to tell them. Realize that they're probably wondering what they did wrong or how they could have prevented you from feeling so much pain or why you turned out "sick." You don't have to accept their value judgments about your SI, but be open to hearing what they have to say about it. You might learn something, and you can teach them a great deal.

  • Explain that coming out is an act of love
    Let them know that your deciding to tell them about self-injury is a sign of your love for and trust in them. Usually, a person decides to tell someone about his/her SI because s/he loves them, wants or needs their loving support, and is tired of keeping a whole part of her/himself from them. The desire to be open and to trust outweighs the fear of rejection or hatred or disgust. Let the person you're telling about your self-harm know you're not trying to punish. manipulate, or guilt-trip them.

  • Pick a place that is private and a time that is unhurried
    This is serious stuff. Find a time when everyone involved is available for a long conversation. Do it in a place where everyone's comfortable and there's no need to worry about being overheard. If you're rushed or hurried or afraid other people nearby will hear and react, you're not going to be able to give your full attention to the conversation and neither will anyone else.

  • Don't tell others in anger
    Don't use your SI as a weapon: "Oh, yeah, well look, you made me cut/burn/scratch/hit!" To get the love and understanding you're seeking, you may have to give some in return. Whether or not the person you have decided to share your secret with has contributed to the problems that led to your SI is irrelevant to the coming-out conversation. If you start getting angry and blaming, you're going to put the other person on the defensive and they'll get angry. The whole process will bog down and be hideously unpleasant and unproductive. Using SI as a weapon also increases the likelihood that the person you're coming out to will react in exactly the ways you're hoping they won't.

  • Consider enlisting an ally
    If you have a friend or therapist who understands your SI you might want to ask them to sit in on the conversation. A neutral third person can help keep things calm.

  • Provide as much information as you can
    This is crucial.The more someone knows about something, the less they fear it. Many people have never heard of self-injury or have heard weird sensationalized tabloid reports. Be prepared to give the person books or names of books, articles, photocopies, printouts, addresses of web sites, etc. Gather as much information as you can so you can answer their questions accurately and honestly.

  • Be willing (and prepared) to answer their questions
    You may have to educate them about SI. Encourage them to ask whatever questions they may have. If they ask a question you don't have an answer to,say "I don't know" or "I can't say" or even "I prefer not to get into that right now." Be as open as you can. You might want to anticipate questions they'll ask and get an idea of how you want to answer those before you come out. You can ask other people who've come out what they were asked to get some ideas.
    You should also have a good idea in your mind of what you want to do about the self-injury -- they're going to ask. Do you want treatment? What sort? If not, what's the rationale for not treating it? Do you want them to help you stop or control it? How can they help? What's too intrusive and what isn't? Now is a good time to start setting boundaries.

  • It's not necessary to bring up the most disturbing topics in the first conversation
    Don't start by describing in technicolor detail the time you needed 43 stitches and a transfusion. It's probably best to avoid graphic descriptions of what you do; if asked, just say "I cut myself on the wrist" or "I hit the walls until I get bruises" or whatever. Try not to freak them out; you can give details (if necessary) in some other conversation.

  • Trust your own judgment
    Do what feels natural to you. You know yourself and your family and friends far better than I ever will.

  • Communicate
    Be willing to talk to the people you're coming out to about your reactions, and ask them to let you know what they're thinking. Communication goes both ways.

February 23, 2010

Letting Go

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about it, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride, and its not about how you appear, and it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind in confidence for the future. Letting go is learning, experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up. it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and let yourself free.

February 21, 2010

secretsecretsecretsecretsecret

I can only wish that someday I will have the courage to tell people my secret in any way except through this blog...i want people to know about me.

February 12, 2010


http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/

one of my all-time favorite quotes. (: plus pictures taken by an amazing photographer

February 7, 2010

so...it has been a while since I really updated this thing...

the comings and going of my life are not too exciting...so that is probably why...
but i figure it is about time that I update again...

currently I am just about to start the second week of my spring semester at college...pretty boring...and way too much homework...which i should currently be doing instead of typing on this blog...which basically no one reads anyway...

but anyways. I was just wanting to update because my life has been a bit crazy...i have been back at college for over a month now and am enjoying being back with my friends but missing my family immensely! The first three weeks of school we had a winter term where we just take one class for 3 hours a day, that was fun but there was not much to do and my life was pretty boring...but now i am back to a normal schedule and it is taking some getting used to...

I have not been doing too well with the whole cutting thing...i have messed up twice since the beginning of February already (2 times in 7 days)...and a whole lot in January as well...but I think I am going to make an appointment back at the counseling center again soon...because maybe it will help...

I haven't written much in the way of poems since starting being back to college...but i just edited part of a poem onto pictures i have taken...

the words come from (http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-word-vomit.html)


and


so ya...basically they are the same exact thing...but just with different pictures...

oh yes...and another thing that happened lately...I just recently told a friend about my SI...we were talking and the subject somehow got on the terms of the counseling center at out college...we both were talking about it and that we have both gone...and then she mentioned about her ex boyfriend who had told her that he couldn't deal with her issues and that maybe she should just go to the counseling center...so after she mentioned that I asked her what it was that he had said that about and she told me that it was cutting...i then lifted my sleeve and showed her my scars...it was sort of freaky...and actually it just dawned on me...besides the counselors i have talked to, she is one of two people who i know in real life who know about my cutting...yikes...that sort of freaks me out...but at the same time it sort of is nice...and it has sort of encouraged me to talk to other people about it as well...but that really freaks me out...maybe if I go back to counseling I will talk about this there...

but for now i must say adieu...i need to get some reading done for class...and it is aready almost 1am...yikes...and i have to be at work at 8am...yuck!

Emmy R.

January 10, 2010

PostSecret video * My thoughts * Update

PostSecret video.

I just want to say that I LOVE PostSecret. I have mailed in several secrets but I have not seen any of them on the website or in two of the books I own



"I think everyone has a secret. And I like to imagine us keeping them in boxes kind of like this. [holds up box] And I think that everyday each one of us has a choice; to take that box, and bury it down deep inside of us and forget it like a coffin, or to find it and bring it out into the light, open it and share our secrets like gifts."

"The last thing i learned putting that book together is that all of us have a secret that would break your heart if you knew what it was."

"Free your secrets and become who you are."



******
My thoughts.

this video sent chills up my spine...I want to learn to free my secrets...but i am so, so scared. The only place I have shared them is on here and in a couple of secrets I have sent in to PostSecret. I have also told one person in my life, plus a few counselors...and of course there are the internet friends...but i wish i could tell more real-life people...





******
Update.

*big sigh* i just really really need a hug right now...i screwed up today...day 1 starts tomorrow...and i am not even able to write out or word vomit the thoughts going through my head...and that sucks...because then they just stay there and keep me down...i hate this...

January 4, 2010

Quote from "Purpose for the Pain" by Renee Yohe

Mom & Dad 4/5/04 - Another Excert From The Book
I open my mouth and the words won't come out, they're buried somewhere inside me, a vast graveyard that lies unmarked and readily forgotten. I'd rather forget. You'd be better off behind that blindfold; I don't want you to see. I don't want to hurt you…I'm broken, and this flight parallels all we wish to leave behind…but it will catch us. I can't run fast enough and endurance is lacking. I'm void of the defiance required to fight this off, I'm so drained by the constant fa├žade. Yet, I could never collapse into you, I could never stop. I wouldn't know how to end this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain, the disappointment, the lies, and the shame, for being the dirt under the rug. Sweep aside all the complications of my life so that it appears presentable. I know you never meant it like that. I never meant to be this way, but you don't even know it. It's a whole different world that lies undiscovered by you, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't think you'd understand, and I don't want your sympathy. I don't want to be the little child in your arms, I'd rather cry alone…and I don't know why. These tears are ungrateful, are they not selfish? Are they not wrong? What more is there, what's left? I don't want to do this, I just want to forget. To erase the blur that leads up to here, that's all it is after all. A dark blur that plagues my memory and my heart. I love you…and so I can't tell you, I won't tell you. I'm sorry.
"To tell or not to tell,
that. Is the question."


*sigh* my parents will NEVER know....................