September 10, 2011

It is always really awkward when you wind up hanging out with two friends who are a couple and you end up going out and doing something coupley with them. Tonight I went to a sort of demolition derby thing with two friends who are dating. They kept on doing coupley things; cuddling, holding hands, little kisses, whispered intimate conversations. Right now I am frusturated because I hate that this is a big deal to me. = hate myself for wanting a relationship so much. I don't want to need anyone but deep down I yearn for companionship, and I HATE to admit that. It makes me feel weak. I also hate how much the issue of never being in a relationship affects me, so much so that I post two blog entries in a row that talk about the subject. I am sorry for complaing so much about this. At my school there is this thing called the "Senior Scramble" which basically is that people in their last year of uni are all trying to find their life partner before school is over. With that going on around me how can I help the frustrations that come with it. And family members keep telling me "oh Emmy, you still have 4 months left at uni, that is plenty of time to find a spouse" *sigh*
Sorry about making two posts in a row about this. Hopefully my next post will be a happier one. I really do hope so. I could use a happy post! haha

September 3, 2011

I wrote this about a week ago and I just remembered about it and decided to post it:
people always tell me, "just wait, the right guy will come along soon enough"...but i think guys are just not attracted to me...i meam being 21 and never even having a guy express interest in me has to prove something right? for a while i told myself it didn't matter and that i can do everything i want by myself, and that is true, but now i just feel like an undesirable piece of shit, i would love to know that someone could be attracted to me, that i am not a complete loser. just knowing that it could be a possibility would be nice. unfortunately guys don't even try to take advantage of me when i am drunk...instead they go after my best friends and even my little sister, proving that noone really likes me and i am undesirable to anyone. i mean is being hit on by one person in my life too much to ask for?
Most of the time I don't care about the fact that guys have never seemed interested in me...but sometimes I just get fed up with it. When I am home I have relatives constantly asking me when I will start dating someone, or who my boyfriend is, and every time my answer is the same "Who knows" and "I don't have a boyfriend" is pretty ridiculous, if I had a boyfriend I would tell you, stop asking every time you see me and making me feel extremely inadequate, like my value depends upon being in a relationship with a guy.
Like I said, a lot of the time I could care less, I know deep in my heart that my value does not depend on finding a life partner, or even dating someone. My value is defined by me and what I choose to make of my life, I will do great things I am sure, and I don't need a man to do the great things I see in my future. (that being said, I don't mean that I don't want a guy in my life, I just know that I can do great things even if I never wind up with anyone)
*sigh* it still makes me sad though, because my whole life I have been told that I will get married, but yet apparently I am so undesirable that no one is interested...whatever...if the right person comes along then then will, if they don't they don't...
i feel so conflicted...

I am out of here. Hopefully I will post again soon.