September 9, 2010

Once Again

Every time I post, pretty much, I say something along the lines of "It has been a while since I posted, but I just wanted to give you an update..." And once again this is basically about that.

I just recently headed back to college and am done with the first two days of classes. It is weird this year because I have moved to a different dorm with different rules and a change in the basic setup of it all. There have been a lot of changes lately, and I am not sure if they are for the better or not. I was supposed to room with a friend, which would have been nice because I would have gotten a chance to have a higher level of comfortability, but that changed last minute. I do not fare well with change, and although my new roommate is great, it has been hard to get used to all this change within a few weeks of school starting. Also now that classes have started I have added stress with that.

Like I said, my roommate is nice, but she is almost nice to an extreme. It is kind of weird. I never really had a relationship with my previous roommate, we just basically lived in the same space, but this roommate like wants to talk about our day, and I am just really not used to it, so it is a bit weird.

Also another thing that has changed recently, is my relationship with my friend that I was going to live with. I do not think that the strangeness is because of the moving out thing though. I feel it is more because of the fact that she started dating one of my other friends during this summer. They seem great together, but it is definitely awkward to hang out together when it is just Brandy and Jordan, and even more so because Jordan acts like a little gentleman and like helps Brandy out of her seat and stuff, and opens doors for her, I mean I guess it is all stuff that guys are supposed to do for their girlfriend, but it just seems awkward and weird.

I just feel myself growing apart from Brandy and Jordan, like however much closer they get, the further I get from Brandy in particular. I hate it, but it just feels like that. And then they do all this stuff together and hang out and do other couple-y stuff, and then I get left behind by myself in my dorm room.

Other than that I have been feeling really down lately, near the end of the summer it got pretty bad, and then it got a bit better for like a week, and then lately it has gotten worse again. I am never really interested in doing anything more than I have to, half the time I do not even care about working on my relationship with my friends. I just sit by my computer when I am not in class or at work, and mess around watching youtube videos and on tumblr. I have also been really tired all the time, which lately I have blamed on jet-lag from my flight to school, but really is not based on that I do not think. I realize that what I just said is like basically the definition of what depression is, but I do not know if I can see myself getting any help for it. Also lately my cutting has gotten worse again, I constantly feel like cutting, but half the time I am too down to do anything about it, and most of the time I just really cannot even bring myself to care anymore, like I just do not care if I get better or not. I have been cutting on my legs now because it is easier to hide, but once winter comes I might go back to my arms, because it feels better for some reason. I feel so lame and just out of it. Part of me wants to get out of this funk and get some help for it, and maybe some medication, but the other part just tells me I deserve to feel this way and why go to the counseling center at school because it is not like they will help anyways.

Sorry this is such a downer post, I hope that all is well for anyone who actually reads this blog...