August 29, 2009

Quote by Jamie Tworkowski

I just wanted to share a quote I found which was said or written by Jamie Tworkowski. Jamie is the founder (or at least one of the founders) of the organization To Write Love On Her Arms or TWLOHA for short. If you would like to hear more about the organization check out this website (

"If you struggle with self-injury, you are not "a cutter".
You are a person.
You are not only your pain.
You are not only wounds and scars.
You are also better things.
You are possibility and promise,
hope and healing,
favorite books and favorite songs.
You are the people that you love
and the people who love you.
You are hope and change and things worth fighting for.
This is all your story
and your story isn't over.

Peace to you tonight.

ok this is all for tonight. I just wanted to share that beautiful quote.

Emmy R.

August 28, 2009

College, visiting Paige's grave

Wow...this summer has flown by! I am already heading back to college tomorrow. I can't believe that it is already time for my sophomore year! I think this year is going to be amazing! I am sooo excited about it!

I want to share a bit about what I am going to do today since i leave tomorrow. I am going to lunch with my mom and then going to drive out to where my friend Paige it burried. I have been meaning to drive out there all summer. I told my mom last night what my plans were for today and she seemed like she thought it was wierd. She said that she doesn't go to people's graves because she doesn't believe that they are there anymore. only their bodies are there and so she doesn't feel any comfort by going. I guess I sort of agree but I am comforted by going there. I think it is nice to be there by her grave and i guess talk to myself as if i am talking to her. Writing is also a big thing in my life and I find it nice to sit there and write. when I have gone in the past I have written a letter to her. I think it is amazing and comforting.

ok well this is all i have for now...perhaps more tonight...or once I get to College...

Emmy R.

August 21, 2009

addicts behavior.

addicts behavior., originally uploaded by Pernicious Girl.

wow I just found this picture...amazing...

I do this too...I have so many band-aids in the first aid kit at my college...but I didn't bring them scares me not to have them. I was at a drug store today and almost bought some more to keep with me. I didn't though. but I still have my razors just across the room...i can't get rid of those...

Emmy R.

August 20, 2009

Me and Maddi

Today I got to hang out with an amazing person and friend. Her name is Madison (aka Maddi) and she is the little sister of my friend Paige who passed away from cancer on November 6, 2006.

I don't know if she will ever understand how amazing she is and what a great person she is and just what sort of impact she has made on my life. Today was a great example of just how great she is.

I drove out to her house to pick her up (she lives about a half hour drive away) and when I got there her mom answered the door along with Maddi. I came in and sat on the couch with them and we talked about school and future plans for a while. I just love to be around Sherry and Maddi, they are amazing people and being around them just makes me so happy. But also being around them makes me remember and miss Paige. Today as we were sitting there and talking Sherry broke down and was crying because she says that I remind her so much of Paige when I am around. I reached over and hugged her and she told me that she is so happy that I come by and hang out with them both. I sat there and hugged her and she apologized for being emotional and I told her there was no need to apologize. We sat and chatted for a little while more and then Maddi and I left to go hang out just the two of us.

We got to starbucks and after we got our drinks we sat down in two very comfortable chairs. Then we just started to chat. We talked about the cruise she is going on with her dad which she is leaving for soon, how she is looking forward to next year and the stuff she is doing over the summer with her friends. It was really great just to sit and chat with her. I love doing that but I wish I got to do it more often than I do. At one point we started talking about Paige. We both miss her a lot and it is really nice for us to be able to remember her together and talk about her with someone else who knew her. One thing that Maddi mentioned really was amazing for me. She talked about how there is this inner struggle with remembering Paige. As time goes on since her death (it will be three years this november) we start to forget things about her. In some ways this is nice because she is not constantly on our minds and we can get other things done and just sort of move on but in other ways it is really hard because we feel bad for forgetting, we feel as though we are horrible that we are forgetting someone that was such a pivotal person in our lives. I think this is something I was really struggling with back in the end of last winter when I started self-harming again. Another thing we discussed was how wierd it is to have someone be such a huge part of our lives and then become a huge part of who we are and then go somewhere else where people don't know about that part of us. When I started at College I started a whole new part of my life. One where people didn't know who I was and what sort of things I had been through. It is nice because people don't define you by certain parts of your life. But it is hard for the same reason, people don't understand that part of my life and it is a huge part of who I am. How can I have honest friendships when people don't know about that part of my life, that part of who I am.

I am both more confused and less confused after hanging out with Maddi today. I am able to understand things in more detail but I am still at a loss for how to fix or share to help others understand.

I think I am going to try to join the grief support group next year at school. I also have a new-found desire to start a support group for people struggling with self-harm. I think I might want to make it even broader though. I want to make it include struggle with more than just cutting, perhaps expand it to include people struggling with any mental illness. I don't know how this sort of thing will get started but we'll see how it goes next year.

Emmy R.

PS I leave for college on the 29th already! Yikes!

August 16, 2009

losing weight

I have made a decision that I am going to lose weight while i am gone next year at college. I don't really want this blog to turn into like a food diary or anything, and I also don't want to start keeping a food diary because I don't want to get into the dangerous territory of an eating disorder. I have heard that people who have eating disorders are often likely to also develop issues with self-harm. I guess in many cases they are both for the same reason. Something the person can control. I am worried that the same thing could happen but the opposite way. Since I struggle with self-harm I might be susceptible to an eating disorder.

Currently I only have my class schedule but once I get my work schedule I will combine the two and look at the work-out room's hours. Then I will decide on a time to work out. I want to work out for an hour/day at least 3 times during the weekdays plus on Saturday, if not more than that. I want to make it a regular thing that I do not skip unless I have a huge test or something. I am also going to be having a PE class next year. I am taking a modern dance class, so hopefully that will help me work out a little bit more as well. When I go work out on my own I want to do either running or some sort of aerobic exercise (like on the elliptical) for about half an hour. Then I want to do something like lifting weights for another half hour or so. Hopefully this will help me lose some weight. I am currently considered "overweight" for my age and height. I want to cut down on the weight, but also gain some muscle so, since muscle weighs more than fat, even if I don't really lose a ton of actual "weight" I at least want to look slimmer.

I just used a "Better Ideal Weight Body Calculations" calculator thing to calculate what weight I should be. Since I am about 5'4", currently weigh around 160 lbs, am in the Adult age group and am female. According to the "People's Choice Ideal Weight" I should weight around 131 lbs, the "Medical Recommendation" is 111 - 146 lbs. So there you go, you see my goal right here. We'll see what happens.

Also I wanted to say that my choice to begin dieting when I get to College is only because I want to make sure I am talking to someone like one of the counselors at school so that I don't get dragged down by an eating disorder.

Emmy R.

August 6, 2009

miniscule poem...or not...

feeling numb
sitting in my room all day
doing nothing
accomplishing nothing
except laziness

that is all i have for today...i though i felt like writing a poem...but nothing is coming...oh well...

Emmy R.

poems i found in my room...

so i found two poems i wrote in my room while working on cleaning it up.
the first poem if from 1/18/08

Pieces of my life they surround me
each new thing a memory...
written in my darkest times
wedding invitations
of people i love
running bibs**
from races long past
of possums, artwork, junior high graduation and meets
the the speakers from religions handed out
from friends passed in class when the teacher isn't looking
a card
signed by all the girls on the -CC> team
to my favorite songs
Ticket stubs from movies

**in case you don't know a running bib is the little plastic things runners wear on their shirts during a race with a number on it**

this poem seems like it is unfinished to me...i don't think i meant to end it there...I probably wrote this while begining to clean my room to pack for college and just going through stuff...realizing all that was behind me and all that was in the future...i guess that is sort of how i feel now as well...I am again going through all my stuff in my room and getting rid of a ton of stuff...and seeing all the things I want to save and the memories they hold, both good and bad...

The other poem is a bit older and it seems that i was dealing with a bunch of drama surrounding a new friend group i was hanging out it's from 4-22-07...

I cried myself to sleep again
Thinking about the way
Things would have been
If God had cared
And let her live
I would still have
My best friend
I wouldn't have to deal
With the drama
My new 'friends' create
I'd have at least
One person
My age
Who i could trust
Who i could be real with

and then there is some large writing on the bottom that says "Skin Deep" I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that but I know there is a song by Natalie Grant that it titled that...

ok I think i am going to write another post with a poem if i can get one together...and if you have just stumbled on this blog please don't judge my poetry by these poems...they suck...but one was written a year ago and never finished and the other was written two years ago...and i am better now...these definately do not showcase any of my talent...

Emmy R.

August 5, 2009

cleaning out my room...

Just wanted to put up a new post thing...i started cleaning out my room the other day and rearranging is funny some of the things I have found laying around...

notes passed to and from one of my friends in high school talking about all of the people she was falling in love with and having sex with (a new one pretty much every week)

old yearbooks and the things people wrote in them...with less and less signatures each year of highschool as i became less and less interested in friends and such...

a "slam book" that wasn't really a slam book at all but a little folder thing that I made at a sleepover with friends back when I was like 13. what it was was people signed in at the beginning and on each additional page they had to answer a question written at the was hilarious to read it now...answers about crushed etc...(:

a bunch of old poems which i haven't even seen for forever...i have them and still need to read them...but hopefully i will post them on here soon...

and so much more...

ok i need to get off now because i need to go take a shower and change out of my pjs so i can go out and have an early dinner with some relatives that are flying into town today...

Emmy R.

August 1, 2009


I started out this morning getting up early and heading to Babysit. On the way I was feeling really was really bad...worse than I have ever had...thank goodness my razors were miles away stashed in a drawer in my room...or i just know i would have slashed myself up really badly...but changing the subject because i really don't want to be thinking about that right I don't end up deciding to go cut myself...i just got home a bit ago from babysitting...after babysitting I stopped by the store and got some stretcher things for my ears. I have two sizes and I am SO excited to put them in...but i am going to wait till I get to my mom can just freak then...LOL...the smaller pair i got are black and white in like the shape of a pie...idk if that makes any sense...but it's like the colors are slivers of pie...and the bigger size is clear with white swirled through it...and I think i might actually go get the next size up as well...I looked it up online and you are supposed to wait like 1-3 months inbetween each time you go up a size...and after 8 guage you have to wait 3-5 months...

below is a poem i wrote last night...

I just don’t really care anymore

I feel like giving up

I just don’t feel

Like fighting anymore.

My cries

Seem to only reach

My own ears

They fall to the floor

Before they can reach another’s

My razor beckons to me

“I’m only in your drawer

A few feet away

Across the room”

I know she is there

My temptation

Whispering in my ear

Calling me to her side

Telling me

She will make it better

Part of me believes her

Another part sees through her lies

But yet that part wants to believe her

It yearns for an easy way out

A temporary relief

From this crazy thing I call life

Emmy R.

Flickr Picture...

This picture is titled "And a scar away from falling apart." That caught my eye. I know that this photographer is a fellow person who struggles with self-harm. She used that quote from a Fall Out Boy song "I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart, apart."

I guess this is sort of how I am currently close to making it, and so close to falling apart...perhaps I will take a picture soon with this in mind...of course I will be putting it so only those who are my friends on there can see it...well at least if it is SI themed at all...i just recently told my friends and family about my flickr account ( and now my mom has looked at the no pictures about that sort of thing ...LOL

Emmy R.


So today I went shopping with my sister. I got myself a nice new purse, a few shirts and a couple CDs. I spent way too much money...but hey...i didn't spend more than I have...and i'm babysitting again tomorrow so i'll make some more money...

While out shopping I saw some piercing stretcher things...I think i am going to stretch my ears (: ...also for some reason...i now have the crazy urge to get another piercing specifically to get my lip pierced. it would be on the bottom lip on the opposite side of my face as the nose piercing (nose is on my right so the lip would be on the right) my mom would probably flip though...but i am of technically she doesn't have a say in it. My mom wasn't really happy about my nose piercing but it has kind of grown on her i think (: but i definitely am going to stretch my ears...i'm going to go get the tapers tomorrow after i am done babysitting...i'll probably get the next two sizes so i can change them when i am at school...actually i will probably will wait till i am gone to start stretching mom would probably not be happy...

life has been pretty boring for me lately...very low stress levels lately which is nice...but still a little bit os struggle with the cutting...i am not really sure why but i have been wanting to cut...just at random times....having nothing to do with my triggers...*sigh*...sometimes i just want to cut for the heck of it...and i want to cut deep enough to leave a really visible seems to have been so long since i last cut...i keep thinking of new places to cut too...ones that won't show in a bathing suit...ugh...i can't believe i am thinking like this...

In the past I have cut mainly on my left forearm...the easiest place for me to between high school and junior high i gained a ton of weight (which my mom made me very self-conscious about by bringing me to a bunch of doctors and stuff because she though something was wring with me...)...and i wore a jacket pretty much year round starting my first year of high school until about my third year (since i was so self-conscious)...the jacket made it really easy to hide the cutting...but since then i have begun not wearing a jacket all the time and have become more comfortable in my own body which makes hiding cuts harder...i grew up in an area where it is sunny all the time pretty much...and college is where it snows during the i have to wear warmer clothes...which makes it easier to cut...but even though I could have easily continued cutting in the same spot last year I began cutting in other places as well when I began to cut again for a while. I started to cut on my stomach and breast. I don't really know where I am going with this one...and i just realized how random this blog on to my next random topic...LOL

I am currently looking at my college's counseling center website...for some reason it helps me feel calmer to look at this...i guess to know that there is help available should I choose to accept it...which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about. I am not sure if I want to go back to the counseling center next first I was thinking that I should for sure go...but i just am not sure...i mean the lady i talked to will not be there next year...but whoever I talk to next will still be able to read her notes I think...i mean the guy i talked to in the beginning of the year and told about my cutting (possibly the most awkward time in my life) took notes and it seemed like the lady I talked to had read those notes...i mean she definitely knew about my cutting before I mentioned it...i mean she always asked me if i wanted to talk about anything else after I was talking about paige...come to think of it i am pretty sure that I told her she could read his notes...

ok...i am stopping here...i am, for some reason, getting more stressed and anxious out by typing here and looking at the counseling website...

Emmy R.