July 18, 2011

Randomness...(sorry for such a depressing post...)

I haven't written a blog post in a really long time, and actually I just have been so uninspired these past few weeks. I am tired, just tired, and really not feeling well, I think I am sinking slowly back into the depression I was facing earlier this year. I wish I could do something to stop this, and actually, lets face it, if I was to get off my lazy butt and just do something, go out on a jog a couple times a week or something, I know I would feel better (it helped before), but I am so tired and I always want to be sleeping or sitting on my computer and re-blogging posts from tumblr...

I hate where I am, but I have no energy or desire to move forward from this spot.

Cutting has been on my mind constantly lately, I have no reason really to do it, I am just feeling so down and tired and I feel like cutting would be an action which would make me feel better, or at least less numb than I am now. I don't think I have ever cut for feeling numb before, so it is quite strange for me right now to feel this way. My reasons for cutting have always been because there has been too much emotion, I was feeling out of control, but right now I just want to feel something, anything, and that really really scares me...

(Story that randomly just popped into my head:) When I first decided to stop self-harming I made this bracelet out of duct tape, it was just a simple circle of duct tape layered double so that it was not sticky. On this duct tape I sewed the words "reasons why" along with a whole bunch of initials of people in my life who were the reasons I wanted to stop self-harming, like people I cared about and who cared about me. My mom found the bracelet at one point and sort of freaked out about it a little bit because she thought it was like reasons why I wanted to kill myself or something I think, but I hid it away and we never talked about it again...

(A random rant:) I am one of five kids in my family, so having people be around me is not something that is ever hard to come by, on the other hand, getting time where you are truly alone is one of the hardest things ever, right now for instance, I might be along in my room but I can hear one brother yelling about some computer game he is playing and the other brother calmly explaining something else, the voices of the people around me are a constant thing, at any moment someone could come knock on my door and ask me to do something. I really miss my ability to just hide away in my room during the school year and just get some me time. Not that I did that all the time, but right now I just feel really drained and like I need some time to myself, I need a day away from all this, something always constantly going on. The loss of my ability to be alone I think is also contributing to my desire to cut, I just know that that has helped me to feel better in the past, and I know (even if only for a moment) that it will help now too, so something is fighting inside of me that I just cannot seem to understand which way is the better way. That is where I am right now, I just don't know which way I want to head, I know where I should want to head, but the desire is just not there and that scares me...

Ok, I am going to be done with this really random and depressing blog post right now, and I think I am going to head to bed...

Hopefully I will post again soon, but no promises...