June 13, 2012


For some reason I have been feeling the need to write way more recently than I have in the past while. I mean, really? Two posts within 5 days of each other? that has not happened in a long time. Life has not been going the best lately, I am working on a med change which I have been on this new med for like 3 weeks, but I am getting more and more anxious lately. Not really sure why, the opposite should be happening. Anywho, things have been a little rough. Earlier today though, something happened, or really I thought about letting it happen (it will make sense after you read the post), and I am not really sure how I feel about it, so I need to process it, and that is why I am here.

First off, a little background. I attend church (forcefully) with my family. I pretty much stay in the nursery every Sunday because I have no desire to be in the church service due to some issues I have with the church my parents go to (and pretty much religion in general, but that is a whole other story). Basically though I LOVE kids. I also got hired by the church to do some child care during the week for different things going on at church, bible studies and the like. The youth leaders for the church's youth group (who are a married couple) were bringing in their son on Tuesdays, and he seems to like me (he is a fussy baby, and doesn't like too many people.) Also during this time I was bringing my brothers to youth group and staying while they were there, to at lest give me some time out of the house. I got to know the youth leaders/pastors (Kaylyn and Danny), and they wound up asking me to be a youth leader, which basically means to keep doing what I was doing and coming to youth group with the kids. I said no problem and continued coming like I already had been.

Now today I was watching Kaylyn and Danny's son while they were in a meeting, and Kaylyn asked me to put him down for a nap in the pac-n-play in their office. I did that and then was just stuck sitting in the office and bored. I began perusing the bookshelves. I found a couple books that I have read or at least seen or heard of. Then a book near the left side of one of the shelves caught my eye, because I own that book. It is called "Inside a Cutter's Mind". The book, while written from a Christian perspective, I think is helpful to understanding the mind of someone who struggles with self harm. I took the book off the shelf and paged through it reminding myself of what it said. Then I put the book back and my mind began freaking out a little. haha. I was thinking to myself that I wanted to ask her what she thought of the book, but then my mind just jumped to that she would know that I struggled with self-harm if i asked her anything about the book, which of course if not rational, but my mind was not being rational. haha. I basically spent the better part of an hour going back and forth in my head from, "well, maybe it would not be so bad if she knew" to "oh gosh, how could you even consider telling her, or asking about the book, she'll know!" to "just asking about the book wouldn't mean that you struggle with it".

I still had not really made a decision when the little guy started crying, so I picked him up and started walking with him, my mind far more focused on him than the book anymore. A little later Kaylyn came back and the little guy was fussy again and she laid him down back to sleep, and then I got out of there before saying anything at all.

Basically I am thinking about what I can do, I think it might be interesting to ask her thoughts on the book, but it scares me, like a lot. I even wonder if she would be interested in reading other books that sort of deal with that topic, as well as other topics, like "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher PhD or "Ophelia Speaks" by Sara Shandler. I don't know what I will do. I mean maybe she has not even read that book, and it just sits on her shelves waiting to be read. I over-think everything, but right now it is time to at least attempt to fall asleep.

Goodnight anyone who is reading this.
Emmy R

June 7, 2012


wrote this a few nights ago as I was attempting to fall asleep. I think too much at night and then don't sleep well because I am too anxious about it all. Anyways, without further ado I give you some late night, half asleep and tear filled ramblings.

homesick for what?
homesick for the past.
homesick for the easier times.
homesick for friends who know
some of my deepest secrets.
homesick for a lot of things. but technically
i am already home.
what does this mean?
it seems like
my heart
is torn
in two
and i will never truly
be home again.
it is a strange feeling
to be homesick
for somewhere that is not your home
but it holds a piece
of your heart
and it will not let go.

where is my home?
can i ever really be home again?
what if i can not?
what do i do then?
spend my life in one place
with my heart yearning for the other
i wish i could straddle myself between the two
but alas, it is futile
i don't know that my heart can handle this tear
it is so  broken and scarred already
it is weak