March 22, 2010

oh and a little tidbit more...

so there is this really great thing that I was reading the other is a post on a website ( which talks about how to "come out" about self-harm...i have read it a few times already but I want to read it over again soon...but for now I am going to share the "coming out" part of it on here...i really like that part in particular...but there are others that are equally anyone reading my blog can also read the post...i think it is definitely a good if you want to read more please go to the link...

Coming out

Admitting to the people in your life that you self-injure is analogous in many ways to the process of coming out as gay or bi. This list of things to consider when deciding to tell those you love about your way of coping with stress is adapted from a coming-out list in Bass and Kaufman 1996.

The assumption here is that you'll tell people about your SI in a conversation, but that's not the only way to come out. Some people have found that writing down everything they want to say and presenting it to someone has worked for them. If you choose this approach, follow the general guidelines below and be sure you remain available for discussion after the person has read what you've told them. If you want to come out to someone via email, I'd suggest you follow up immediately with a chat session or a telephone call.

Be willing to give the other person some time to digest, though -- if you follow up with them and they say "I'd like to think about this for a while," give them space. Ask them to let you know when they're ready to talk, and let it go.

  • Be sensitive to the other person's feelings
    It can be nearly as hard for them to hear it as it is for you to tell them. Realize that they're probably wondering what they did wrong or how they could have prevented you from feeling so much pain or why you turned out "sick." You don't have to accept their value judgments about your SI, but be open to hearing what they have to say about it. You might learn something, and you can teach them a great deal.

  • Explain that coming out is an act of love
    Let them know that your deciding to tell them about self-injury is a sign of your love for and trust in them. Usually, a person decides to tell someone about his/her SI because s/he loves them, wants or needs their loving support, and is tired of keeping a whole part of her/himself from them. The desire to be open and to trust outweighs the fear of rejection or hatred or disgust. Let the person you're telling about your self-harm know you're not trying to punish. manipulate, or guilt-trip them.

  • Pick a place that is private and a time that is unhurried
    This is serious stuff. Find a time when everyone involved is available for a long conversation. Do it in a place where everyone's comfortable and there's no need to worry about being overheard. If you're rushed or hurried or afraid other people nearby will hear and react, you're not going to be able to give your full attention to the conversation and neither will anyone else.

  • Don't tell others in anger
    Don't use your SI as a weapon: "Oh, yeah, well look, you made me cut/burn/scratch/hit!" To get the love and understanding you're seeking, you may have to give some in return. Whether or not the person you have decided to share your secret with has contributed to the problems that led to your SI is irrelevant to the coming-out conversation. If you start getting angry and blaming, you're going to put the other person on the defensive and they'll get angry. The whole process will bog down and be hideously unpleasant and unproductive. Using SI as a weapon also increases the likelihood that the person you're coming out to will react in exactly the ways you're hoping they won't.

  • Consider enlisting an ally
    If you have a friend or therapist who understands your SI you might want to ask them to sit in on the conversation. A neutral third person can help keep things calm.

  • Provide as much information as you can
    This is crucial.The more someone knows about something, the less they fear it. Many people have never heard of self-injury or have heard weird sensationalized tabloid reports. Be prepared to give the person books or names of books, articles, photocopies, printouts, addresses of web sites, etc. Gather as much information as you can so you can answer their questions accurately and honestly.

  • Be willing (and prepared) to answer their questions
    You may have to educate them about SI. Encourage them to ask whatever questions they may have. If they ask a question you don't have an answer to,say "I don't know" or "I can't say" or even "I prefer not to get into that right now." Be as open as you can. You might want to anticipate questions they'll ask and get an idea of how you want to answer those before you come out. You can ask other people who've come out what they were asked to get some ideas.
    You should also have a good idea in your mind of what you want to do about the self-injury -- they're going to ask. Do you want treatment? What sort? If not, what's the rationale for not treating it? Do you want them to help you stop or control it? How can they help? What's too intrusive and what isn't? Now is a good time to start setting boundaries.

  • It's not necessary to bring up the most disturbing topics in the first conversation
    Don't start by describing in technicolor detail the time you needed 43 stitches and a transfusion. It's probably best to avoid graphic descriptions of what you do; if asked, just say "I cut myself on the wrist" or "I hit the walls until I get bruises" or whatever. Try not to freak them out; you can give details (if necessary) in some other conversation.

  • Trust your own judgment
    Do what feels natural to you. You know yourself and your family and friends far better than I ever will.

  • Communicate
    Be willing to talk to the people you're coming out to about your reactions, and ask them to let you know what they're thinking. Communication goes both ways.

March 21, 2010

so...what do i do when...

earlier today I saw my sister's arms...she has 3 scars there which most people would probably not pick out, but because of my history with cutting I saw them right away...I right away considered the fact that they were just marks from how she slept...(you know how the creases in bedsheets can leave marks?)...or something like that...but later today I looked at her arms again, pretending to just be looking at her bracelets and messing around and turning her bracelets in circles on her arms and turning her arms to look at the bottom where I had seen the marks before...she jokingly pulled away and was like what are you doing? and I was like I am just messing with your bracelets...and we just laughed....

but now I do not really know if i should say anything about it or if i should just leave it alone...i mean i know that it would freak me out if someone were to just confront me about scars...i would like practically i am kind of in a weird place of thought on this...i mean if she is cutting I would want her to stop so that it doesn't get worse than it is now...but on the other hand maybe it was a one time thing, or she just needs to wait until her own time to figure that out...i feel like I should just remind her that I will always love her no matter what...nothing will stop that...and I would probably like to just tell her that I am always here to listen...that is probably what I will do...

and anyways, besides that, I have really been considering telling my RA about my is just wierd if i tell her she is going to have to tell our RD, who is pushing for me to be and RA do i know if he will judge me? maybe he will think that because I struggle with this it means that I would not be a good RA...i really do not know...i flip back and forth between telling and not telling constantly...just like i flip back and forth between going back to counseling and not going back...i just do not know...

there are pros and cons to each side...some are obvious and others are not...

I guess one of the pros of telling people in general (not just my RA) is that I can be real with people...not just pretending that I am ok, even when I am not...

but going along with would almost be like I had to go to people to get help when I was doing I didn't have the option to try to sit it through...and i would feel like if I did mess up it would be way worse and I would be a disappointment...and then if I told my RA about a mess-up she would have to tell my RD...and that makes things a bit screwy...and plus the "having to get help" thing would screw with my control am way more screwed up lately..maybe i should go back to counseling...i have had "out of control" things happen to me way too much lately...i feel like more than normal...luckily i have been able to deal with them...


oh i just remembered something that happened at my "talk" between my "friend" and me and RA...i mentioned something about how her flipping back and forth between liking me and not liking me screws with me and how our relationship is just not healthy and how that is just especially not good for me...and she was like well why is it so bad for you? and I was just like well that is something i do not feel comfortable telling you, especially if you are not interested in being could use it against me...and she was just like well whatever...i think she thought I was lying...when in fact that is the most honest I have been with anyone in a really really long time...


ok before I post this message I just want to go through a conversation thing, for anyone who hasn't been reading this blog since earlier on, this might seem a little weird, but this is something i like to do before i have a conversation, sometimes over and over and over, to decide if i will have a conversation......

Me: Hey Leah, can we talk?
Leah (RA): Sure what is up Em?
Me: If I tell you something, how much of it do you have to tell *RDs name*?
Leah: (Answers question)
Me: ok, well, ummm, I want to tell you something kind of personal, actually really personal, something that barely anyone knows about me...
Leah: ok...
Me: well do you remember when you had Amanda and I in here and we talked?
Leah: *nods*
Me: well i said something during that, something about how this sort of situation is really not good for me...and then amanda asked why and I said I did not feel comfortable talking to her about it...well that is what I wanted to talk about...
Leah: mmk...
Me: this isn't exactly something easy to talk about, but i feel like it is something I need to learn to talk about...
Leah: ok well you can tell me if you want...
Me: Leah, can you promise me that you will not judge me? will you still be my friend? can we not be weird around each other if I tell you this?
Leah: *nods*
Me: mmk... *looks down at hands, not at leah* well i struggle with cutting...when i get in a bad situation that is what i turn to...i mean not always, but I often get tempted to turn there, it sort of turned into an addiction after so long of using it to cope with some really hard stuff that has happened into my life....*still looking at hands and glances up, searching leah's face for some giveaway of what she is thinking...*
Leah: ..................................*****and i never know how they will react*****...................................

ok so sort of a sad note to leave this blog post on...but i want to get some stuff done before i go to bed since i have to get up in the morning to babysit (: I am excited to see some of my kids I babysat for in high school! I love all those kids!!!

March 15, 2010

just fyi...


I had a meeting with my RA and my "friend" Amanda. Amanda came our RA the other night and asked her about possibly moving out of the dorm because she is pissed off at me and because she is pissed off at some of our other friends. So she went to our RA to ask her about that and our RA decided that it would be a good idea to get me and Amanda to talk this thing out.

My RA called me this afternoon at around 4:30pm and told me that we were meeting at 6:30pm. The wording she used was "asking" me if i would come, but i did not feel like I had the ability to decline. I was freaking out in my last post about the situation because I was feeling completely out of control and just freaking out because I was just really feeling nervous and stressed and out of control. I think it was this added on to the whole frustration with Amanda and the fact that it is midterms week and I am helping organize the dorm banquet. My life is stressful and this lack of control just really freaked me out...i wanted to cut SO bad!!! but I sat here and wrote out my previous post and just really spit it all out. I then went to dinner and came back after I ate and went to my room and sat for a while. Then it was time to go to the meeting. I went over there and sat down in my RAs room. Eventually Amanda came and joined us. We all just sat there for a bit and it was all i could do to not dig my nails into my arms so i could bleed (thank goodness i just clipped my nails). Anyways, we sort of started talking and basically Amanda told me what I was doing wrong, which was that my personality sucked and she didn't like it, so I told her that she was complaining about my personality and she got all defensive. She then started talking about how she only tried to be friends with me for our mutual friend's sake and how she has basically not put any effort into our friendship for the whole school year because she just doesn't care. Meanwhile I stayed pretty much silent the whole time focusing all my effort on trying to stay in control (I was copying the pattern on the pillow that was in my lap with my finger, weird i know, but it helps...) then after a while Amanda basically just said that she isn't really interested in being friends anymore. So I was like ok then, and my RA told me I could leave and she was gonna talk to Amanda about the specifics of what she had to do to move out.

After that I started bawling on the way back to my room but my roommate was there so it was weird so I went down to the prayer room in the basement...and just lay there and bawled...and then I stopped crying and went back upstairs. I went about my evening as normal...but still having the lack of control bugging me in the back of my mind.

so basically I decided that I need to talk to my RA about that. but I feel like things are a bit awkward now between us. We are friends, but I just do not know what it will be like now...but I still think that it will be good to talk to her about it. Maybe even talk to her about the she knows why....or something...i do not know...

ok I need to start getting ready for bed...


Emmy R.
I am not doing so hot right now...i just want to go cut and make things sucks...

my friend hates me
she thinks i am wrong
I think she is wrong
she got mad at me for something stupid
and then she forgave me
and then she got mad again
and then we talked it out
and she forgave me
and now she hates me again
she has been ignoring me
except when we yell at each other
and now
she went to our RA
and now we are meeting tonight
to "talk about things"
i kept telling her before
that we needed to get a mediator and talk about it
she didn't want to
so last night i finally decided
i was done
but now she wants to talk
i hate this
i am freaking out a lot now
i want to make things better
the only way i know how
it helps....
it helps.
it will make things better
my brain is lying to me
my arms ache for the blade
the blood creeping through my skin
coming out my veins
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
but i will not
i need to calm down
but i never let myself
learn another way
so i will sit her
hold my knees to my chest
and rock
and rock
and rock
rock until i can stand
to walk away from the blade
and deal with this shit

when i finally choose to give up
you decide you want to hold on
and then my arms forget
their desire to hold the blood inside
and my brain stops working
the way a 'normal' person's does

but, i made it through just now...
and i held on another day
i'm on day 25 (:

but on a more positive note I just need to get through this week until friday and then I fly home, and everything will just be better and I will not have to deal with this...

Emmy R.

March 7, 2010

another poem...


Just another little note
Reminding me of my failures
Not like I do not get smacked
In the face
By them every day
(The scars which line my arms)
Because they define me
My failures define me
I lie to myself
And tell myself that they do not
But they do
Each scar along my arm
Just another definition
That I have laid upon myself

the note I am referring to in this post is a letter I got from my college that told me that I did not get into the RA position that I had applied for...
as of now I am in a much better mood as far as this RA told me that she already knows of someone who is probably going to drop out of their RA position so hopefully I will get to be an RA afterall...

btw. today is day 17, i wrote the poem thing on day 14...i am still going strong!

Emmy R.

March 1, 2010

I hate
that I can not
cry when i want
i hate
that I cry
when I should not
I wish i had
some semblance of control
over my emotions
But unfortunately they control me
they control me
they beat me when I am down
they hit me when I cannot handle them
so I try to run from them
I try to hide them
I cut my skin
to push them away
to hide them beneath my skin
I wish i knew another way
to do this
but it has been 6 years
Six years
how can I relearn this thing after 6 years
how can i teach myself
to show my emotions
after so long
6 years, almost one third of my life
one third wasted
in bondage
to this thing called cutting
one third where I made choices
not to feel
I made choices
to hide
I made choices
to cut
I made choices
that have led to an addiction
which controls my life
it controls each step I take
for everything I involve myself in
i have to take into consideration
my weakness...

I am in a sucky place right now...i do not really trust myself right now...I am headed over to my RAs room to see if i can get a hug...and then off to my meeting tonight...

for now goodbye...

Emmy R.