June 13, 2012


For some reason I have been feeling the need to write way more recently than I have in the past while. I mean, really? Two posts within 5 days of each other? that has not happened in a long time. Life has not been going the best lately, I am working on a med change which I have been on this new med for like 3 weeks, but I am getting more and more anxious lately. Not really sure why, the opposite should be happening. Anywho, things have been a little rough. Earlier today though, something happened, or really I thought about letting it happen (it will make sense after you read the post), and I am not really sure how I feel about it, so I need to process it, and that is why I am here.

First off, a little background. I attend church (forcefully) with my family. I pretty much stay in the nursery every Sunday because I have no desire to be in the church service due to some issues I have with the church my parents go to (and pretty much religion in general, but that is a whole other story). Basically though I LOVE kids. I also got hired by the church to do some child care during the week for different things going on at church, bible studies and the like. The youth leaders for the church's youth group (who are a married couple) were bringing in their son on Tuesdays, and he seems to like me (he is a fussy baby, and doesn't like too many people.) Also during this time I was bringing my brothers to youth group and staying while they were there, to at lest give me some time out of the house. I got to know the youth leaders/pastors (Kaylyn and Danny), and they wound up asking me to be a youth leader, which basically means to keep doing what I was doing and coming to youth group with the kids. I said no problem and continued coming like I already had been.

Now today I was watching Kaylyn and Danny's son while they were in a meeting, and Kaylyn asked me to put him down for a nap in the pac-n-play in their office. I did that and then was just stuck sitting in the office and bored. I began perusing the bookshelves. I found a couple books that I have read or at least seen or heard of. Then a book near the left side of one of the shelves caught my eye, because I own that book. It is called "Inside a Cutter's Mind". The book, while written from a Christian perspective, I think is helpful to understanding the mind of someone who struggles with self harm. I took the book off the shelf and paged through it reminding myself of what it said. Then I put the book back and my mind began freaking out a little. haha. I was thinking to myself that I wanted to ask her what she thought of the book, but then my mind just jumped to that she would know that I struggled with self-harm if i asked her anything about the book, which of course if not rational, but my mind was not being rational. haha. I basically spent the better part of an hour going back and forth in my head from, "well, maybe it would not be so bad if she knew" to "oh gosh, how could you even consider telling her, or asking about the book, she'll know!" to "just asking about the book wouldn't mean that you struggle with it".

I still had not really made a decision when the little guy started crying, so I picked him up and started walking with him, my mind far more focused on him than the book anymore. A little later Kaylyn came back and the little guy was fussy again and she laid him down back to sleep, and then I got out of there before saying anything at all.

Basically I am thinking about what I can do, I think it might be interesting to ask her thoughts on the book, but it scares me, like a lot. I even wonder if she would be interested in reading other books that sort of deal with that topic, as well as other topics, like "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher PhD or "Ophelia Speaks" by Sara Shandler. I don't know what I will do. I mean maybe she has not even read that book, and it just sits on her shelves waiting to be read. I over-think everything, but right now it is time to at least attempt to fall asleep.

Goodnight anyone who is reading this.
Emmy R

June 7, 2012


wrote this a few nights ago as I was attempting to fall asleep. I think too much at night and then don't sleep well because I am too anxious about it all. Anyways, without further ado I give you some late night, half asleep and tear filled ramblings.

homesick for what?
homesick for the past.
homesick for the easier times.
homesick for friends who know
some of my deepest secrets.
homesick for a lot of things. but technically
i am already home.
what does this mean?
it seems like
my heart
is torn
in two
and i will never truly
be home again.
it is a strange feeling
to be homesick
for somewhere that is not your home
but it holds a piece
of your heart
and it will not let go.

where is my home?
can i ever really be home again?
what if i can not?
what do i do then?
spend my life in one place
with my heart yearning for the other
i wish i could straddle myself between the two
but alas, it is futile
i don't know that my heart can handle this tear
it is so  broken and scarred already
it is weak

February 21, 2012

I am scared to be honest in real life. I told one of the people who I care about most in the world the truth that I have been hiding from her for years. I did that while I was visiting her a little less than a month ago. I hate how I can be so open and honest when writing and then when I try to say things out loud I just can't do it. I stumble over my words like someone who has never spoken before.

Let me start from the beginning because I just need to process through this. Just under a month ago I went to visit a friend who lives out of the country. Her name is Laura and I have written about her on this blog in the past. Anywho, when I was in high school I started to tell her about my struggle with self-harm, but was stopped short because I understood that she was going to have to tell my parents if I told her. I spent a good chunk of high school dropping hints as to what it was that I was struggling with, but never really told her exactly what was going on.

Over the years my friend Laura and I have had a relationship at a distance, at least once I went to college halfway across the country. I often thought about telling her more about what I was struggling with, but I just didn't want to have the conversation over a telephone call or on skype. A few years back Laura and her husband and daughter moved out of the country, far far away. We spoke way less frequently and it was hard to find times that worked for both of us because the time difference was almost night and day, and I still had not told her what I wanted so badly to talk to her about.

Now back to where I started, I was able to go out and visit my friend where she is currently living. I knew that this would quite possibly be my only chance for a few years to see my friend in person and I needed to talk to her about my struggle. I debated back and forth as to if I should actually do it or not, and finally settled on the fact that if I did not do it I would regret it. The big day came and I flew across the world to see my good friend once again! I was so excited to see her. I waited and waited for the right moment to bring up the subject with her and it never quite came. Many times we would be walking along the road headed somewhere together and I would think to myself that I should tell her what was on my mind but I could not bring myself to do that. I was freaked out and over thinking everything.

Near the end of my trip I finally forced myself to do it. I came out and asked her if she remembered the time when I was in high school and on the youth group trip that I had started to talk to her about something (This post talks about that trip, paragraph 5-6). I told her that I didn't think I had really been fair when I talked to her back then, and that I wanted to answer any questions that she might have about that period in my life. She told me that she was glad that I brought it up and it actually had been something that was on her mind that she had wanted to ask me about but she didn't know how to bring it up. She asked a few questions, the first one being "What exactly was it that you were struggling with?" as well as a few questions about the "logistics" of my struggle (i.e. where did I do it? did I ever need stitches? did I have any scars?). In answering her questions i just stumbled through and could not come up with good answers. I made sure that she knew she could ask any questions that she might have about it and to just let me know.

It was a crazy conversation to have, but well worth it because I am glad she knows now.

Anywho, she told me a while back that she had another question for me, and asked if we could talk about it on skype sometime. I told her that yes we could and just today we finally got a chance to talk on skype and she asked me. She wanted to know what method of self-harm I used (i.e. cutting, burning, hair pulling etc.). I once again tripped over my words like none other and had a hard time answering her. It is so hard to let a person you love so much know these hugely intimate details of a struggle they don't really understand.

ok, I am rambling a lot now. I need to sleep.

February 5, 2012

Would you be my valentine?

This could very well be my own secret. I love it. The only difference is that it would be 21 years. *sigh* I have talked about it before on here, ranted and raved. Sometimes I am ok, most of the time I am ok, or at least I pretend that I am ok that I have never really had a boyfriend, unless you count that awkward first date with my guy friend, which ended by him introducing me to his cousin as his girlfriend. Ya, I don't count that one. haha.

I am done ranting now, gotta get ready to go to church with the family. yuck. *sigh*

January 17, 2012

Swirling thoughts

I don't know if anyone really reads this. But if you do, then you will know about my past posts where I have talked about my friend Laura. Back during the summer before my sophomore year (grade 10) I attempted to tell Laura about my struggle with self-harm. To make a long story short (which I could bore you with many tiny details about) I wound up unable to actually tell her what was going on. She was a youth leader, and I was a minor, and in the states there are confidentiality laws which say that clergy (=staff at a church) are mandated reporters if a minor they work with has told them about someone hurting them (including them hurting themselves) or their own plans to hurt someone else. This can be interpreted to include if a youth is self-harming and definitely includes if a youth expresses feeling suicidal. Basically because I was 16 (a minor) I was not able to tell her because she would have to tell my parents.

Since this point (6.5 years ago) I have on and off wanted to tell Laura about it. When I really began wanting to tell her (when I was about 19) she moved away to a country on the other side of the world. It was hard, and I didn't really want to tell her via skype. Right now I am visiting her on the other side of the world. I have the opportunity to tell her. I am questioning myself though.

Should I tell her? (Maybe she has questions and it would be good of me to answer them.) Should I forget about it? (It was 6 years ago, maybe she doesn't even remember.) I go back and forth on whether or not to tell her. If I don't I will probably regret it, but what if I do and it goes horribly? It scares me to think about telling her.

If I tell her this, maybe she will look at me differently. There are some questions she is bound to ask me, questions that are scary and I am not sure I want to answer them. I know, I know, as per the advice I give people, you don't have to say anymore than what you want to say, but it is hard to remember that on the spot. (questions like: where do you do it? when was the last time? what do you use? anything details sucks.)

And of course I over-think everything. I replay the conversation over and over in my head trying to figure out how it will go. Me talking about this is not easy, I feel like I am losing my 'control' by talking about it and that scares me. I try to control it by thinking through the conversation and analyzing everything. The truth is I don't even know how to start the conversation with her.

Right now she is sitting near me, and tomorrow I plan to talk to her about it. That is if I can get up the courage and find some time alone with her.