January 29, 2009

I just want to try out the mobile blog feature. This is a picture taken from the window of my dorm room. There is snow everywhere!
- Emmy R.

January 26, 2009

˙˙˙ɥƃn˙˙˙ɹǝdɐd ǝƃɐd 01 ɐ puɐ ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn


¡ɟןǝsɹnoʎ ɹoɟ ʇno ʇı ʎɹʇ ˙s˙d

˙ɹ ʎɯɯǝ

¡oƃ oʇ ǝɹoɯ xıs˙˙˙ǝƃɐd ɥʇɹnoɟ ǝɥʇ pǝɥsıuıɟ ʇsnɾ ı˙˙˙ןןǝʍ ɥo ¡ƃuıʎouuɐ ǝɹoɯ uǝʌǝ sı ǝɯıʇ ɟo pɐǝɥɐ ʇı ʇnoqɐ ʍǝuʞ ʎןǝɹɐq ǝʍ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ puɐ ¡¡¡ƃuıʎouuɐ ʎʇʇǝɹd sı ʇı˙˙ʍou ʇɥƃıɹ ƃuıʞɐʇ ɯɐ ı ʇɐɥʇ ssɐןɔ ʎɯ ɹoɟ ɹǝdɐd ǝƃɐd 01 ɐ ƃuıʇıɹʍ uo ƃuıʞɹoʍ ɯɐ ı ʇɐɥʇ ʇdǝɔxǝ ʎɐs oʇ ɥɔnɯ ǝʌɐɥ ʇ,uop ı˙˙˙sʎɐʍʎuɐ

˙˙˙ןoן˙˙˙unɟ ʎʇʇǝɹd sı ʇı ¡uʍop ǝpısdn ɯǝɥʇ sdıןɟ ʇı puɐ ʇno sƃuıɥʇ ǝdʎʇ uɐɔ noʎ ǝɹǝɥʍ ƃuıɥʇ ʍǝu sıɥʇ pǝɹǝʌoɔsıp ʇsnɾ ı˙˙˙uʍop ǝpısdn ǝq oʇ ƃuıoƃ sı ƃoןq ʎɯ ʎɐpoʇ os˙˙˙ıɥ

January 22, 2009

a wonderfully boring day!

I had class this morning and then had to watch a movie after that for my class. Then, because I had no homework, I went back to my room and took a nap. After my nap I went to the on-campus work-out room and I rode this bike thing for like 30 minutes. It makes me feel so good to be working out! Anyways, after that I came back to my room and then left and went to dinner where my RA later met me along with her boyfriend and another male RA from my dorm. It was fun to hang out a little with them. After dinner I went back to my room and watched a movie online. Then I went with some girls on my floor and watched a movie in my RA's room. The girl I talked in my last post was there and I didn't see the marks on her arm that I saw before. I wonder if it was just a figment of my imagination...self-harm was on my mind that night so it could have been just because of that...who knows...but I am not as stressed out about it anymore...

Anyways...I guess that is all for now...

Emmy R.

January 20, 2009

Yet another conversation with my RA

I ate dinner with my RA today because I wanted to talk to her about two different things.

One was the medication that I am on. I am on a medication for ADD which is very highly abused. I just wanted her to know that I was taking it so that she is aware that we have that medication on the floor.

After we talked about the medication she asked about how I was doing with the self-harm. I told her that some days were still hard and that I had struggled with it like when I get stressed and stuff. We discussed my relationship with my parents and if I would be able to tell them about the self-harm. I told her how I am not close to my parents and would not be able to tell the about this.

This would have been a great point to talk to her about the other thin I wanted to talk to her about, but I did not tell her.

The other thing I wanted to talk to her about was someone on my floor. The other day I saw this girl and she had 4 or 5 of what looked to be healing cuts on her arm. I wanted to ask my RA if she knew of anyone else on the floor who struggled with self-harm.

It is funny because I never realized how many people self harm. I guess I sort of felt so alone all the time when I was self harming that I knew in my brain that there were others but I didn't understand it in my heart. I mean there as always been the "invisible" people who I have talked to in online forums, but that just isn't the same.

Emmy R.

There are others like me...

Freaking out
Don't know what to do
Seeing people
Who struggle with the same as me
Causing stress
How should I react?
My struggle
Involving a
And my
Others who share
The mentality that I do/did
And then
Clean it up
Before someone sees
Hide it all behind a smile
No one will know

How strange it is
To see
My struggle
On someone else's skin
I always knew
It was not just me
But I still always felt so alone
The only ones
I knew
Who struggled as I did
Lived in the invisible world
Of the
Now they live
Just down the hall.
Seeing the others,
It scares me
And I can never figure out
How I should react
I don't really even know
How I would have wanted
To react to me
Had they seen my own wounds

What do I do?

January 12, 2009

Anxiety, A Poem

Today I had a fit of anxiety that gripped me during class. I was freaked out. I was recently put on some medication for my ADD that is supposed to help me be able to concentrate. One of the side effects is anxiety. I don't know if I can deal with that. I already had a little anxiety before the medication, nothing I couldn't deal with, but now I have had several times where I really get stressed out and anxious. I have been able to talk myself down from these but I think that I am going to go to the health clinic on campus soon.

Anyways...I wrote a poem about the anxiety I was feeling (this was over the class period...)...it was really powerful at the time and helped me to calm down...so here goes...

Muscles tensing
Eyes lose focus
Worry ensues

My body folding
Fetal position
Arms hugging my knees
I remain fearful

Hope is lost
Not in sight
Of my soul

Not hearing anything
Nothing speaking to it
No words penetrate it
Distress enveloping

I try

Breathing slowly
In through the nose
Out through the mouth
Embracing calm

January 10, 2009

a discussion...

So I found this online posted by someone in one of the forums I frequent. I think that the arguments are pretty good/interesting...I posted it on my facebook and I got some great responses and I wanted to share some of them here….and also some of my own further comments on the matter…

"Marriage is sacred, it's intended to be between one man and one woman, and the bible says it's a covenant before the Lord."

If marriage is so sacred then why does the government have control over it anyway? Because the government is in charge of marriage it makes marriage a contract. It packages civil rights with the word “marriage" stamped on top, and is not marriage in the biblical sense because it is a contract with the state and not a "covenant before God". Because marriage is a contract with the government you cannot argue that gay people should not be able to get married because in America "All men are created equal". You cannot insert religion into a government that is based on separation of church and state.

"The bible says that homosexuality is an ABOMINATION."

Right below that verse in the Old Testament the bible calls gluttony an abomination, yet I don't see Christians protesting obese people. In fact, many preachers I’ve met are big fat white men.
The OLD testament calls being gay an abomination. In the New Testament Jesus calls all sins the same. I know plenty of Christians that struggle with many sins, so why is being gay the BIG no no? In fact the bible has much more to say on sex out of wedlock, adultery, and divorce, and in fact many Christians are active participants in these activities. So why is being gay the end all sin? Furthermore Jesus said not to judge, in the same harshness you judge, you will also be judged by that degree of harshness. (Luke 6:37-41)

And now:
We have complete 180ed from the teachings of Jesus; UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND FORGIVENESS.
In Luke 6:32-41 Jesus says DO NOT JUDGE, AND YOU WILL NOT BE JUDGED and that us judging others is like pointing out a speck of sawdust in someone else's eye with a stump sticking out of our own eye. He goes on to say that you have to remove the stump from your own eye before you judge another. In other words you have to be sin free before you call someone else a sinner. Jesus is very clear that no one is sin free in the story about the woman who cheats on her husband and everyone comes to stone. (John 8:1-11) Jesus says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Yet modern day Christians have come running with a wheel barrow full of giant rocks to toss.

Modern day Christians do not realize that Jesus’ life was meant to free us from judgment and hatred and bound us in forgiveness and love that we are meant to share with others, but instead Christians have hoarded this love and forgiveness and I'm not sure why. I cannot comprehend why anyone would prefer to judge someone and hate someone rather than embrace and love someone, especially someone who has never done you any personal harm (Although Christians are supposed to love their enemies as much as they love their friends).

In conclusion Jesus also said to treat others the way you would like to be treated, and that Christians are supposed to love everyone. How can you say you love someone when you deny them the same basic rights that you enjoy? Furthermore he is very clear in saying that you will be judged by the degree that you judge others. Self righteousness earns you no points.

Personally, I’m surprised that Christians weren’t on the front lines protesting Proposition 8.

Judging gay people, and denying them the same rights you have is in no-way Christ-like.

“Well, your Uncle and I did not get married with any intention of involving any single persons God. We attempted to leave God out of it all together. Our married is a promise to each other and to the kids to love and cherish each other, until we die! This vow has nothing to do with God. My cousin Lulu at the wedding, if you remember her, was there with her wife Jody. They made the same commitment to each a few years ago that Doug and I did. If God is the determining factor in marriage than, I am not actually married. What a shame and how sad that would be for my husband and 3 kids.”
-Lucinda, my new aunt

“haha totally right *my name was here* i tho personallly i believe a marriage is a religious thing but a civil union is a govt thing and i dont believe that any union not before the eyes of God is technically a marriage but a civil union... which should, in the govt's eyes be between two consenting adults i dont think it should b called gay marriage but civil unions should b given equal rights.. like a religious ceremony doesnt even necessarily make u married in the eyes of the govt u have to sign a marriage license.. and i think homosexuality is just a big no no for people because it scares them and its not usual.. for whatever reason.. gay people are people too and so long as theyre not like flaming and totally pervos theyre perfectly decent folk, basically anybody who wears their sexuality on their sleeve is disgusting”
-Andrew, a guy I knew from high school

“I think that Marriage is something that should be handled by the religious institutions, be it Christian, Buddhist, Wiccan, Muslim, whatever. The role of the government is to acknowledge the rights of two people to desire to be claimed as a dual entity, so technically all marriages that are legally registered are Civil unions, much like two corporations merging. I personally don't have a problem.
“That being said, I think this is exactly why the founding fathers wanted Separation of Church and State. Most Christians are taught it's a bad thing and that it's meant to silence religion. THat is a lie. Jefferson wrote it regarding government not interfering with religious institutions rights and roles in society, because in England, the king had that right to interfere with religion. This is a classic example of when we need Separation of Church and State.”
– Eric, a guy I knew from high school

“Lucinda, Thanks for posting and letting me know your thoughts on the matter. I don't remember your cousin there but good for her to follow her heart! I am not 100% sure what I believe about homosexuality...though I am beginning to form my own opinions rather than just copying the opinions that I was raised to believe. I want to know for myself what I believe rather than just believing things because I was raised in the CRC church. It is actually really really fulfilling!
“I guess I am learning something at college...LOL”

“as for Andrew and Eric...Thanks for sharing you thoughts and opinions! I am glad to hear your opinions in my search to make my own opinion!
“Eric I think that you are completely right about the seperation of church and state...thanks I hadn't really even considered that yet in my quest to realize what I believe about this much debated issue.
“Andrew...I don't know if you will read this whole comment or not but I have a question for you. you said, "so long as theyre not like flaming and totally pervos theyre perfectly decent folk, basically anybody who wears their sexuality on their sleeve is disgusting" are you as sickened by those who "flame" their straightness as those who "flame" their gayness?””

“I'm happy to see the open-mindedness on this discussion. So long has this been a topic of general ignorance on the part of Christians that it gives me joy to see Christians viewing it in such an objective sense.”
-Tim, a guy I knew from high school (He calls himself “agnostic” but sometimes flip-flops back to believing in God)

“Well the fact of the matter is that it is morally wrong to discriminate against homosexuals if you are a Christian. It is true we need to help our gay brothers and sisters understand their sin, but we must not be pious in it or show contempt for them. Rather we must show them God's love and his forgiveness, because we all sin, but we all need to come to God and we all need him in our lives and we need to treat them with that love.”
-Eric, a guy from my high school

“Eric, do you think that we need to tell those who are homosexual of their sin any more than the person who struggles with lying or with cussing?”

“As a non-Christian I rather not have anyone tell me what it is I do wrong. I had a very dear friend in high school who was Christan and sat me down to talk about her religion. It was a very moving and loving discussion. Since then I have taken classes, read books and talked to many people about what they believe and why. This journey of discovery has lead me to understand that it is not God or religion that makes us do the "right" thing. It's the people in our lives that are our examples on how to live, treat each other and love. Good luck on your own journey!”

“Lucinda, if you don't mind my asking, what do you believe? Do you have a religion or are you an atheist...or do you believe in like a vague idea of a supreme being? I am just interested to hear what you believe, but you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.”

“Well, I don't believe Jesus was our savior. I think that he may have existed and beyond that maybe a profit of his time. The Pagan religions are way too close to the story to believe. I don't believe the Bible is the word of God. I think it is full of great teachings on how we should behave towards each other. The fact that it was written by multiple people over many years, that not all of the books are included that were written and that it has been re-written in parts during various times in history makes it an unlikely true tale. But, as I said, a great start to how we should behave as humans. As for God, well that is hard for me. I struggle to this day with the concept of one God. I will not believe in a God who will send anyone to a burning hell because they did not believe in the "teachings" or Jesus. If the teachings are correct, "he" created us with that very "will". The whole concept of a loving creator damming one of "His" children to hell is just wrong. I think there must be something and that it can not be all evolution. It is just as difficult for me to wrap my head around that as it is God. I do believe in evolution but just maybe that was a creation by a God(s). And if you wonder why I think there is possibly more than one, the old testament translates as Gods when talking about the creation of earth. Always found that interesting. I think what comes around goes around in this life or the next. I do believe that some people come back multiple times. You can look at some babies and know they are an old soul. People who are evil, they will pay for their "sins". This I have to believe because of things that have happened to me and people I love. I love the Christian tradition of Christmas. I don't celebrate any other religious holiday. I have also been know to celebrate Hanukah. If you ever get the chance go to Temple! The services are just like Catholics in many ways! Okay, I'm done talking now. We can talk any time.”

“(: sweet, thanks for sharing that Lucinda!”

“I do think we need to correct our homosexual brothers and sisters from their strayness, just like with lying and cussing. But personally I think that if they receive the love of God then they will be able to combat the desires.”

“do you think that homosexual "sin" is worse than the other sins?”

“Scripture says that all sexual sin is the worst kind of sin, and I agree because those are the sins that harm your body. I think heterosexual sin is just as bad as homosexual sin.”

“what about murder???? isn't that "worse" than sexual sin?”

“Just as a note to you, Eric...the bible does say fairly that no sin is worse or less than another...
“James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.
“weather you "stumble" with lying or weather you "stumble" with sexual sin or weather you "stumble" with murder...you are guilty of breaking all of the law...
“Below are 2 more translations of the same verse as well as the verses before and after it…
“New Living Translation James 2:9-11: But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law. For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder. So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.
“The Message James 2:8-11: You do well when you complete the Royal Rule of the Scriptures: "Love others as you love yourself." But if you play up to these so-called important people, you go against the Rule and stand convicted by it. You can't pick and choose in these things, specializing in keeping one or two things in God's law and ignoring others. The same God who said, "Don't commit adultery," also said, "Don't murder." If you don't commit adultery but go ahead and murder, do you think your non-adultery will cancel out your murder? No, you're a murderer, period.”

January 7, 2009

I didn't tell her...and I feel like a failure...

I wanted so much to be able to tell my friend about my history of cutting when I was home for Christmas break. I planned it all out and knew exactly how I would do it...I just didn't realize how hard it would actually be...

Now I don't know if I will ever be able to tell her...I will see her this summer but only for about a month before she and her husband and beautiful baby girl move to Israel. It is going to be super hard to see her go...especially with what is going on in Israel...well at least she won't be anywhere near Gaza.

Interim (3 weeks of 1 class for three hours every day) started today...fun stuff...(:

anyways...I am super tired and am going to take a nap...

Emmy R.

January 1, 2009

Grades, Christmas/Winter Break, and Quotes from "The Shack"

I got my grades for this semester and I passed all my classes! I am very happy!!! I got an A in my prelude class (a super easy class that all freshman and transfer students have to take the first half of their first semester at my college), I got a B in my Philosophy class (don't know how I managed that one LOL), I got either a C or C- in my Spanish, Social Work, and Biology classes...so ya basically I did horrible but that is ok!!! At least I passed...

Christmas break is going by soooo fast! I feel like it has just started and I leave to go back already on tuesday...uggh...
Currently I am enjoying my break...but I have soooo much more stuff to get done...
I am leaving early tomorrow morning for a trip to Mexico (The Baja Peninsula) to visit an orphanage there. My sister had her birthday in August and instead of getting gifts for herself, she asked people to bring toys which she could give to the kids at the orphanage. So that is our plan for tomorrow...leave in the morning and then come back that night...

Lastly...Quotes from "The Shack" by William P. Young:
pg. 126 "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me." This is said by Sarayu who represents the Holy Spirit (but also the Trinity...and therefore both Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit at the same time, if that makes any sense...).

pg. 78 " "It is a picture of my bride, the Church: individuals who together form a spiritual city with a living river flowing through the middle, and on both shores trees growing with fruit that will heal the hurt and sorrows of the nations. And the city is always open, and each get into it is made of a single pearl..." He opened one eye and looked at Mack. "That would be me!" He saw Mack's question and explained, "Pearls, Mack. The only precious stone made by pain, suffering and--finally--death." " Said by Jesus when he and Mack are talking about the view of Heaven that many people hold...streets made of gold bricks...pearly gates...etc.

pg. 180 "An awful lot of what is done in my name has nothing to do with me and is often, even if unintentional, very contrary to my purposes." This was said by Jesus.

pg 188 "Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead yo to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors." This is said by God also called "Papa".

oh ya...and just to be sure...I don't want to get in trouble for plaigerism or anything so here...
All the quotes in the above section of this post belong solely to the William P. Young and are taken directly from his book "The Shack" which is published by Windblown Media.
Young, William. The Shack. City: Windblown Media, 2007.

So those particular quotes were ones that jumped out to me...particularly the first one...

That is all for tonight...my mom wants me to empty out my suitcase so she can use it for Mexico and my sister wants me to drive her and her friend to the local Target...

Emmy R.