February 21, 2012

I am scared to be honest in real life. I told one of the people who I care about most in the world the truth that I have been hiding from her for years. I did that while I was visiting her a little less than a month ago. I hate how I can be so open and honest when writing and then when I try to say things out loud I just can't do it. I stumble over my words like someone who has never spoken before.

Let me start from the beginning because I just need to process through this. Just under a month ago I went to visit a friend who lives out of the country. Her name is Laura and I have written about her on this blog in the past. Anywho, when I was in high school I started to tell her about my struggle with self-harm, but was stopped short because I understood that she was going to have to tell my parents if I told her. I spent a good chunk of high school dropping hints as to what it was that I was struggling with, but never really told her exactly what was going on.

Over the years my friend Laura and I have had a relationship at a distance, at least once I went to college halfway across the country. I often thought about telling her more about what I was struggling with, but I just didn't want to have the conversation over a telephone call or on skype. A few years back Laura and her husband and daughter moved out of the country, far far away. We spoke way less frequently and it was hard to find times that worked for both of us because the time difference was almost night and day, and I still had not told her what I wanted so badly to talk to her about.

Now back to where I started, I was able to go out and visit my friend where she is currently living. I knew that this would quite possibly be my only chance for a few years to see my friend in person and I needed to talk to her about my struggle. I debated back and forth as to if I should actually do it or not, and finally settled on the fact that if I did not do it I would regret it. The big day came and I flew across the world to see my good friend once again! I was so excited to see her. I waited and waited for the right moment to bring up the subject with her and it never quite came. Many times we would be walking along the road headed somewhere together and I would think to myself that I should tell her what was on my mind but I could not bring myself to do that. I was freaked out and over thinking everything.

Near the end of my trip I finally forced myself to do it. I came out and asked her if she remembered the time when I was in high school and on the youth group trip that I had started to talk to her about something (This post talks about that trip, paragraph 5-6). I told her that I didn't think I had really been fair when I talked to her back then, and that I wanted to answer any questions that she might have about that period in my life. She told me that she was glad that I brought it up and it actually had been something that was on her mind that she had wanted to ask me about but she didn't know how to bring it up. She asked a few questions, the first one being "What exactly was it that you were struggling with?" as well as a few questions about the "logistics" of my struggle (i.e. where did I do it? did I ever need stitches? did I have any scars?). In answering her questions i just stumbled through and could not come up with good answers. I made sure that she knew she could ask any questions that she might have about it and to just let me know.

It was a crazy conversation to have, but well worth it because I am glad she knows now.

Anywho, she told me a while back that she had another question for me, and asked if we could talk about it on skype sometime. I told her that yes we could and just today we finally got a chance to talk on skype and she asked me. She wanted to know what method of self-harm I used (i.e. cutting, burning, hair pulling etc.). I once again tripped over my words like none other and had a hard time answering her. It is so hard to let a person you love so much know these hugely intimate details of a struggle they don't really understand.

ok, I am rambling a lot now. I need to sleep.

February 5, 2012

Would you be my valentine?

This could very well be my own secret. I love it. The only difference is that it would be 21 years. *sigh* I have talked about it before on here, ranted and raved. Sometimes I am ok, most of the time I am ok, or at least I pretend that I am ok that I have never really had a boyfriend, unless you count that awkward first date with my guy friend, which ended by him introducing me to his cousin as his girlfriend. Ya, I don't count that one. haha.

I am done ranting now, gotta get ready to go to church with the family. yuck. *sigh*