November 29, 2008

Thanksgiving Break

Right now I am on break for Thanksgiving. I am really enjoying being around family and just spending time with some family who I don't get to see very often (I am half way across the country at college). I ate a wonderful meal for Thanksgiving lunch and just really had a great time with all of my family.

I do, however, really miss my family and friends back home and can't wait to visit them for Christmas!

But I guess that is all I really have to say. Except the little note below.

Emmy R.












To: Rushing to the Cliff Edge
I don't know if you are going to continue to read my posts, Rushing to the Cliff Edge, but I just want you to know that I am sad that I am no longer able to post on you blogs, though if that is what you think you need to need to do that is fine. I would however love that I am able to still read your posts. Thank you for that! Also, feel free to continue posting on my blogs (if you wish to continue reading them) or if you like feel free to absolutely ignore them as well! Know that I harbor no hard feelings towards you and wish you the best with everything!

Emmy R.

November 24, 2008

My Spiritual Journey

My Spiritual Journey

I was raised in a Christian home and attended the same church of the Christian Reformed (CRC) denomination my whole life. I also attended a Christian school which was also associated with the CRC. I was taught the difference between right and wrong, and I was taught that I should love my enemy. I was taught to hate the sinner and love the sin. I memorized the Ten Commandments and too many Bible verses to count. I was raised to think that the only option was to believe in God and to believe in Him in the way that the Christian Reformed church taught me to. I was raised not having a choice but to attend church every Sunday morning and while I was growing up to attend again at night. As I grew up I began to attend youth group. I really enjoyed the whole idea of church while growing up. Sunday school and youth group were fun and I enjoyed them. I got to eat candy in church and draw on the children’s bulletins and sing the songs I had grown to love. I never had any reason to doubt, I didn’t even know it was possible to.

Growing up I had a neighborhood friend (denoted by K if you have read my self-harm testimony) who was not raised religiously. She came to church with us a few times and attended GEMS (Girls Everywhere Meeting their Savior) with me on a fairly regular basis. When we reached 7th grade, she started to change. She began to hang out with older kids especially guys. She began doing drugs and having sex with the guys she was hanging out with. She would tell me things which I didn’t understand since I had been raised in such a sheltered environment. The only way I knew how to deal with this was through grasping tightly on to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and asking Him to get me through this. I “grew closer” to God during this time and in 8th grade I made Profession of Faith in front of my church.

During 8th grade my friend moved away and I drew closer to the friends I had who attended the same school I did. I especially drew closer to my friends who I was in a Small Group with.

I began my freshman year looking for a fresh start. I kept my old friends but I also gained some new ones. The person I was closest to out of my new friends was P. She was an amazing friend and blessed me in so many ways. During the end of my freshman year she was diagnosed with a brain tumor which was found to be cancerous. I really struggled with her illness but I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I didn’t understand what was going on and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Throughout her 17 month battle against the cancer that was trying to defeat her I was very confused. I didn’t understand how the loving God that I believed in could let such an amazing person be so sick and in so much pain. I began to lose hope that God was who I had thought He was. During this time I began to turn away from God and towards another support that I found. I started to self-harm. I felt so out of control because of the things which were going on in my life and the self-harm was my way of gaining control back in my life.

During November of my junior year my friend, P, passed away. Once she passed away it seemed as though I had no hope anymore, and God seemed like a distant thing in my past. He seemed so untrustworthy and I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone like that. I drifted away from Him. I was very angry at him for letting my friend die despite all the heartfelt prayers for her healing, both mine and everyone else who loved her.

I am not exactly sure when, but at some point during the next few years there were several issues within my church. A senior pastor admitted to committing adultery (or something like that) and my youth pastor, the only pastor I ever even liked listening to, was ‘found guilty’ of something with money which he didn’t actually do. I discovered how hypocritical the church was and this whole thing just fueled the anger. I quit attending church. I would ride in the car with my family to the church and then ditch them and help take care of the kids in the nursery. (Caring for kids is my one true joy! I love kids so much!)

It has been 2 years since P passed away. I am not so angry at God as I once was. I have tried to reconcile with Him, but that faith just doesn’t seem to be there. I don’t really know how to believe anymore. I am trying though. Since I have arrived at college, a college which is associated with the CRC (don’t ask me why I chose to come here I really have no clue) I have attended more church services than I had in the last year back at home. I think I purposely decided to attend a Christian college because I wanted to acknowledge that maybe there is actually a God who does actually care. Right now I am just giving God a shot. I don’t know how this whole thing will turn out but we will see I guess.

Emmy R.

November 22, 2008

"Freckles" by Natasha Bedingfield

Ok just kidding. I am going to post another post right now. I just listened to one of my favorite songs that I haven't listened to in a while. I just love this song because it helps me remember that the things that I don't like about myself all of the time are still good things.




"Freckles" by Natasha Bedingfield

I used to
care so
much about what others think about
Almost didn't have a thought of my own
The slightest
remark
would make me embark
on the journey of self doubt
But that was a while ago
This girl has got stronger
If I knew then what I know now
I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality
inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Who you are
Who you are
Who you are
oh-oh-oh

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
Would the whole world fall at my feet?
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I still feel
like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself

That a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality
inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Reflecting who you are
Reflecting who you are
Hmmm
Whoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality
inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

"Anastasia" and some other tidbits



I am just about to watch Anastasia which I borrowed from my RA! I am so excited because I haven't seen Anastasia in forever! Anyways...I just felt like posting a random blog about it so here it goes. Plus I am trying to figure out how the whole picture thing works on the blogs. I have never uploaded a picture using the Blogger upload thing. I have put pictures up before but that is using the pictures with the html from photobucket.

Right now I am trying to figure out how to get the DVD to play on my computer. Normally when I try to watch DVD's the program just automatically pops up and it starts playing but for some reason this one is not doing that.

Oh and just an update. I talked to that friend who was fighting with and we sort of made up and we just talked about why she had been so mad at me. It turns out that she needed a break from me. You know how it gets when someone has a really strong personality and being around them too much can sometimes be troublesome? I guess that is all that really happened. She just chose to voice the fact that she needed a break through other means (like getting mad at me for stupid reasons). We talked and I asked her to tell me if something like that was happening and to just let me know next time when she needs a break. We also talked about our differences in opinion about different things and about how we can still get along and accept each other's different opinions.

So that is that. I guess that it is a good thing that we talked now. I don't know if our friendship will ever be as strong, but I guess this honesty could actually make is stronger, so who knows.

I might write more later. My RA left last night for a RA retreat that all of the RA's in my dorm are currently at. Before we left she told me that she felt that she didn't really know what was going on in my life right now and that we should talk when she got back. I believe that she is going to get back this afternoon/evening sometime so maybe we will talk about the whole thing with my friend since I need to let her know that that is all taken care of.

The other thing I want to talk to her about is about that girl who I was talking to the other day and I saw the scars on her arm. I know that they have talked a little and so I want to ask my RA if she has talked to anyone else about SI, I am not going to say her name or ask my RA to say anyone's name. I just want to know. I don't know if I will ever be able to talk to that girl since I barely know her but I guess that anything is possible!

So that is enough for now. I am going to figure out how to get this DVD to play right now.

Emmy R.

November 20, 2008

Lunch today

*note to readers* This is a poem I wrote today after encountering someone who has some similarities to me. I was shocked, not because of the scars I saw on her wrist, but because I didn't expect someone who did/does the same thing that I did to be so close to me. But anyways. Here is a poem I wrote today about the encounter with her that I had. *end note to readers*





Lunch today
I ate with a girl I've met before
We chatted
We laughed
She lives in my dorm
On the floor just below mine
I saw
(Scars)
Her wrist peeking out
(Scars)
From behind her sweatshirt
(Scars)
I was stunned
But I continued
To converse

Currently
I'm thinking
About this girl I barely know
One similar characteristic
We share
Outward injury
Showing
Inner hurt
I want to know
Her story
Are there other similarities
Between my story and hers?
Outward injuries
Showing
Inner hurt

And I digress

Emmy R.

November 19, 2008

Feelig a little blue

Feeling a little blue
Not sure what to do
I don’t want to sit still
I don’t want to move
I feel like I need a hug
Someone’s arms
Wrapped around me
But I don’t know who to ask
It’s weird, you see
Because if you know me
You’d know that
I don’t usually like physical touch
Normally I shy away
From kind hearted actions
Meant to
Comfort
But lately
I yearn for touch
For love
For someone to just give me a hug
I know there are people
Who would love
To give me a hug
But I am not sure how to ask
Do I walk right up
And demand it?
Do I slowly inch closer
And whisper in their ear?
Do I start up a conversation
And hope they see the need?
Do I sit still and
Wish that they would come to me?
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know

Emmy R.

November 18, 2008

Irene by TobyMac

This is one of my favorite songs ever. It is written by a Christians rapper, though this song is not really rap but it is rather catchy. At this point in my life I am not sure if I believe that the Lord is going to answer my prayers, I am working on that part of my life. Anyways here is a video of the song along with the lyrics below it!

Emmy R.



Irene by TobyMac

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer

Last night you had a dream you was the homecoming queen
Today you're 18, happy birthday Irene
quit school you had to drop out to raise your little child
Doesn't seem to be anyone around
You've got to reach up to touch rock bottom
The powers that be keep you downtrodden
Daughter of Zion, I heard you prayer
Just cast your cares and please beware of snakes
They come in all shapes and sizes
Tempt you, put scales on your eye lids
Don't waste your sorrows
They'll give you strength tomorrow...tomorrow
Your Calvary's about to come so
Keep your head up, don't you ever let up
This storm will pass you'll be ready for the next one

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer

Irene, I carried you when you was to weak to walk
I took to you when you gave your heart to God
Faithful and true, that's what I'll always be to you
Believe in you, believe in Me and these mountains have to move
You have dreams and aspirations
I knew you before Creation
Your foundation's solid
I will give you a palace, restore your soul
You'll be up for any challenge
Many storms are on the way; better sharpen your faith
Count the cost, take up your Cross
And wear it everyday
Rest in me and I will give you strength
Blessed is she, Irene, who seeks my face

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hey little girl with the pressures of the
world on you shoulders
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there so don't you fear

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer tonight

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Be alright
Be alright

(Yeah)Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger
than when I first believed yeah

(Yeah)Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger I say
Father I'm stronger
than when I first believed yeah

I say hey little girl with the pressures of
the world on her shoulders
Don't say that it's over

I say hey little girl with the pressures of
the world on her shoulders
Don't say that it's over

I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there, so don't you fear

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lords gonna answer your prayer tonight
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer...

November 15, 2008

My Self-Harm Testimony

The first time I can remember harming myself was when I was a freshman in high school. One day I was really stressed out over something, I can't remember exactly what, but then all of a sudden I felt this relief and then when I looked down I saw that I had hurt myself on my arm. I was scared and didn’t know what I had done or why, but I liked the feeling that it gave me—calm, relieved—it was amazing how I felt. Somehow I knew right away that I needed to hide this, that it was wrong and that no one could know about it. So I wore a sweatshirt to school the next day. The hard part came when it was time for PE; I changed into my PE clothes and started worrying about how I was going to cover it up. I thought about just wearing my jacket but it was really hot out and so I couldn’t just wear my jacket. So instead I just made sure that my arm was against my body the whole time and that no one could see what I had done.

That was the first time, but it wouldn’t be the last. From then on I would hurt myself in whatever way I could to get that calm relieved feeling again. When I could control it I tried to be careful to not hurt myself in places that I couldn’t cover up. But sometimes I would be stressed out or angry or any other emotion that made me feel out of control and I would just all of a sudden look down and there would be a scratch across my arm, or a line of blood, that’s when I would just cover it up and no one ever even noticed, or if they did they never said anything about it.

During the end of my freshman year of high school my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. I was already dealing with the self-harm and this only made matters worse. When I first started harming myself it was just every once in a great while, but with her diagnosis my emotions were out of control most of the time and the harm became more frequent. Throughout the 17 months that she struggled against this disease I began to realize what I was doing and that there had to be a way to deal with these emotions in a more positive and healthy way. Much of my life I had used journaling as a way to express myself, but with the cutting I had no longer needed that outlet. I started journaling again with all my being. I poured my whole self onto those pages, and it helped me keep from harming myself most of the time, but there were still those times that I would lose control and look down to see a bleeding line across my wrist or thigh. Throughout my friend’s treatment there were many highs and lows in my life and I had dealt with them in the way that I had taught myself to—some through journaling and some through cutting. My friend passed away November of my Junior year, I had this feeling that my friend could look down at me from heaven and that she could see me cutting myself and I decided that I never wanted to let her see what I had been doing, I would stop, if not for myself then for her. I had never told her about my cutting, I hadn’t told anyone, and I didn’t want her to “find out” in this way. I stopped for a long time, the longest I had ever gone with out cutting. It was just over a year.

To give you the full story of my struggle I need to backtrack a little to my sophomore year. The summer before my sophomore year I met an amazing lady, L, who started working as a youth leader at my church. She and I became friends pretty soon and hung out a lot. She shared her testimony at youth group one night, she had been molested in junior high by a guy she was supposed to be able to trust, later in college she developed bulimia which was her way to stay calm, and gain control in her life. Once I heard her story I was so amazed that she did something similar to what I had been doing, I found my peace, my calm through hurting myself and she found hers through bulimia. Right away I knew that I needed to hear more of her story since it was so like mine. We had been hanging out with each other for a while at this time and I had been able to share with her some other things that were going on in my life and she had helped me get through a lot of stuff. Talking to her became a way that I could express myself and became another form of release. But the self-harm was still there, it was always there as a way out and sometimes I didn’t even want any other way out of it.

It was the summer after my sophomore year, I was at a church event called SERVE and I had met this girl there named A, when I first met her I saw the scars on her arms, when she caught me staring at them she told me that she used to cut herself and that that’s what the scars were from. This scared me a lot, I realized that I could get to the point where I would end up with scars and I really didn’t want to have scars, permanent reminders of what I had done to myself.

I started thinking and journaling about telling L because of the fact that I knew I needed to stop, I just couldn’t keep on doing this and A’s scars had proved that to me. So I talked to L and asked her if I could talk to her that night. She said yes and I should just come and find her. So that night I went to go find her and she was in a meeting with all of the leaders it ended up that the meeting went too late and we didn’t get a chance to talk. The next day we were at the beach with the group and she came up and hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I missed you last night.” I told her that I had missed her as well and we decided that we could hang out and talk that night. I went to find her later on that night and when I did we headed off together to go talk alone. I was really nervous about telling her because I knew that if anyone tells a youth leader about abuse, self-harm, or anything like that the leader is required by law to tell their parents. I definitely did not want my parents to know. So right off the bat I asked her if I could tell her something and she wouldn’t tell anyone. Of course she said that she couldn’t keep it a secret if anyone was hurting me (which I knew included myself). So I just got really quiet and sat there. She asked me if what she had said had changed what I was going to say. I nodded my head. She continued to ask me questions about what I had been going to tell her. It ended up that I just asked if she could keep me accountable for something. Through later times when we hung out she would ask me how I was doing with ‘it’. She just called it ‘it’ because she didn’t know what ‘it’ was. But she was able to hold me accountable all the same. This worked for a while, but I really couldn’t be completely open with her because she would have to tell my parents. Because I couldn’t be completely open with her I wasn’t able to express what was happening with me, she just knew what little I could tell her and what she had deduced from what sort of questions I had asked her about her past. But all in all it was really good for me to know that she would ask me how I was doing with ‘it’ and I would have to tell her whether things had been going well or not.

A couple months later my friend passed away and so I had already tried to stop with L helping as much as she could but after my friend passed away I made a commitment that I didn’t want her to ‘see’ me doing these things. So I was doing really great for a long while and then I messed up. Eventually my mess-ups got further and further apart and I ended going for about a year without harming myself. I was so happy to tell L that I had made it so far and at that point and I told her how long I had gone without doing ‘it’, she was so proud of me when I had been doing good. She was amazing! I later began to cut again, I never told L about it because I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. I looked up to her so much and just couldn’t stand the thought of her being disappointed in me. Like one time I was helping her clean up after helping out at the Junior High youth group and I had gotten some chocolate on my arm. L noticed the chocolate and was like what do you have on your arm? I only saw the healing cut on my arm and didn’t see the chocolate so I told her that I had the cat had scratched me. Little did I know that she hadn’t seen the scratch but rather the chocolate on my arm. When we realized we were talking about different things we laughed and I cleaned off the chocolate and we continued to clean up. The subject was over at the time I wrote this poem describing my feelings when she saw my arm.

I don’t know if I should tell you
You’re leaving tomorrow
And you’ll be gone for a few weeks
So I guess
I guess I have a while
To figure out what to say
When I had the chocolate on my
Arm
You asked “what is that”
It was so close
To the cut
And I thought that is what you meant
And I was almost relieved
That you’d caught me
But then you pointed at the chocolate
And I realized
You hadn’t caught me after all
And again I somehow felt
Relieved
Because I can continue living
My L I F E
- excerpt from poem ‘I wonder’ by me

As of now I have stopped and do not want to start again. It is hard sometimes because I definitely still get these urges and sometimes I almost actually give in. I want to be able to deal with my frustrations and emotions in a healthier way than through cutting, I know that in my life cutting began to rule me, I started doing it because I could control it in a way that I could not control the emotions that ran rampant through my body. But in reality I couldn’t control it, it controlled me.

Now I am coming to a point in my life that I will be leaving home and going to college. I am excited to leave and become more of my own person but I am also sad to be leaving those that care about me the most. L has been an amazing person in my life and I don’t know what I will do without her. I know that I can make it through and that she will be only a phone call or e-mail away but it will still be hard to leave her when she has been such an amazing part of my life.

The above was mostly written 5-4-08. Some small changes made on 6-24-2008 and 11-10-2008.







Added below 8-20-2008 (some small changes 11-10-2008)

Recently I have realized that my story started earlier than when I actually started harming myself. I wanted to give you some more information about what happened before I started harming myself. This is some stuff that was before the beginning of my testimony that I have already typed out previously.

When I was in junior high I had my friends from school and my friends from my neighborhood. The friends from my neighborhood I hung out with as often as I possibly could. I had a friend named K who was one of my friends from my neighborhood. We hadn’t always been such good friends but since our other friend, Aimee, had moved away when we were nine we had grown much closer.

Anyways, in junior high, when we were about 12, K started to rebel. She had always been kind of rebellious but that year she started taking it a step further. She began to drink and smoke and have sex with guys, some much older than herself, she also began to do drugs.

When K started to do this it scared me, I didn’t know what to do. She would tell me things that I didn’t understand. I was raised in a Christian home, and very much sheltered my whole life, so I really didn’t know that anyone actually did those sort of things. When I was younger, I was taught that what she was doing was a sin and that it was wrong. I assumed that everyone had been told the same thing, so why was she doing something that she knew was wrong?

Throughout her rebellion I realized that the world was not as safe and perfect as I had thought it was. That was a huge realization for me and my world began to spin out of control. I now had to deal with a lot of stuff, both what K was doing and the fact that my whole worldview had changed practically overnight. I was so confused during this point in my life.

One night after K had told me in particular detail about what she had done with some guy the night before I went to my mom to try and talk to her about what was going on. You have to realize that I didn’t really talk to my mom about anything, especially about things as huge as this. When I went to talk to her I sat on the counter and just spit it out and told her what was going on. It was such a relief. What came next was completely unexpected. She flat out told me that my friend, my best friend, was lying to me, that she couldn’t be doing that and that I should just go to bed. So I did. But I knew that what K had told me was true.

But now, after I had told my mom my biggest secret, I felt so rejected. I never tried to tell her what was going on in my life again. My life continued to fly out of control. I didn’t know what to do. This was how my life went through 7th and half of 8th grade.
In 8th grade K’s habits had gotten worse. Eventually she was caught at her middle school with drugs on her (we didn’t go to the same school, she went to public school and I went to a Private Christian school in the next town). K was kicked out of her school and her parents decided to move her away to get her away from the drugs and to help her to stop using.

This was devastating! My best friend was moving far away. (Really only about an hour away, but to a 13 year old that is a long way.) I missed her a lot and now I didn’t have my best friend any more, of course she was only a phone call away but it was just not the same.

Well the move didn’t help and she found herself some new druggie friends and began to spiral downward again. The only difference was that now I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was going on with her, it seemed like she had forgotten me.

I don’t ever remember experimenting with self injury during this time in my life but this is definitely the time where I began to lose control. This is also the time when I began journaling was probably the one thing that kept me from self-harm.

November 13, 2008

Did she already know?

I have some things I would really like to talk to my RA about. I know I have told her about the self-harm, but for some reason I have this feeling that she already knew before I told her about it.

I have a theory as to why she would know, but to make that theory make sense I need to tell a story. A couple of weeks ago one of my friends and floormates' grandma died. When I found out about it I told my RA (not like i ran off and left my friend crying, but I happened to run into my RA later on that evening) my RA mentioned that it was good that she knew and that it is important for her to know these things so that she can help the people on the floor to the best of her abilities. She also mentioned that she had to tell our RD because it was also important for him to know that sort of thing so that he can know how best to serve our dorm.

Anyways I am now wondering what all that applies to. My RD was also the teacher of my Prelude class and for that class we had to write an autobiography, and in that autobiography I discussed my self-harm and it's impact on my life.

Also when I told my RA she asked me if my RD already knew about it and I told her that he did, in fact, already know about it. This also makes me think that she has to tell him that sort of stuff, and I wonder if the relationship works both ways, because if it does that means that she already knew about my self-harm before I told her.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole thing. I don't really like the fact that my story might have been told without my permission. I feel that this is almost an invasion of privacy, my story should be mine to tell or to not tell.

Well that is all for tonight. I am going to study for a Biology test tomorrow!

Emmy R.

Pictures!

So I just am in a picture mood today…and I wanted to show you some of my favorite pictures that I have saved up. Just a warning to some, though I am going to try my best to weed out the pictures that could be potentially triggering. I would never plan to put something up on my blog that might make someone want to harm themselves in any way (cutting, burning, eating disorders, etc.). If something I have posted (in this post or in any others) please let me know and I will take it down or put a warning on it or something!

Thanks,
Emmy R.

I just like these ones…
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket






For the following two pictures I found the image and added the words…Just so everyone knows, these words just came into my head when I saw this picture and they really have nothing to do with how I am currently doing!
Photobucket
Photobucket






These next four are from one of my favorite movies: Girl, Interrupted
Photobucket
Photobucket

Photobucket Photobucket






These next five are from an organization that I really support! It is called To Write Love on Her Arms; you can go to their website (www.twloha.com) and see the story behind the organization! Not all of the pictures are actually put out by the organization but some were made by fans of the organization.
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

November 10, 2008

Frusturated

So yesterday I found out that a friend of mine's mom had passed away that morning. I really don't know what to think about this. I love my friend's mom a TON! She was an amazing person! I don't think it has quite hit me yet though, I mean I cried when my mom called and told me, but i don't think it will truly hit me until I go back home. And it really sucks because I don't think I will get any closure because I am too far away to go home for the funeral.

In other news...

one of my friends is pissed off at me...for a reason that I feel is immature. I am really trying to not let it bug me but it is hard because I don't have that many friends here at college. I hate having friends who are always pessimistic and this friend is usually that way, sometimes it is understandable, but other times it just downright bugs me. Tonight she was having a really pessimistic attitude about a virus that is supposedly going around campus (there are no confirmed cases as of yet). She was like 'we are all going to die!' and I told her that we weren't...that it wasn't even confirmed and she went all apeshit and posted her facebook status as "HER NAME is annoyed with people who always tell her she's wrong... *cough* MY NAME *cough*... >:(" I mean is that really necessary? The only other time I have contradicted her (and I don't really know if it was even a contradiction) was when she was ranting on and on after the election about how our country was going to be screwed over by Obama. Now I didn't vote for Obama, but I still don't think that he is going to screw our country over. I find that in life when you have a pessimistic attitude about things those things tend to happen to you. For example if you are only expecting bad things from a future president you are going to watch him and every little mess up you are going to be like "See? What did I tell you?" Or another example, if you are freaking out about getting sick then you are probably going to look for even the slightest sniffle and be like “see I knew I would get sick”
So because of those things I try to have a positive attitude about everything (Though I do have my off moments like anyone else). I hate to have people mad at me but I am not going to apologize for this one though, I don’t feel that it is my fault. If anyone reads this, though I don’t think I have any readers, would you let me know what you think? Is this my fault? Or is she just being stupid about all of this?

Oh and a quick update…she is IMing me on facebook now…I am going to post our conversation word for word…

*begin IM*
Her: i'm sorry, but you keep telling me that i have no idea what i'm talking about.. we have the same thing that Hope does, no matter what the name of the virus is.. just don't come into my town and tell me that you know all about this school and the health department... i wouldn't do that if i went to cali...i've lived here for 19 years.. i think i know what i'm talking about.. and just b/c the health dept. hasn't confirmed it doesn't mean it's not here
Me: look i am over this and i don't want to discuss this...if you want to be pessimistic about everything in this world...I choose to have a more positive outlook on life...you choose whatever you want to...
Her: don't be pissed at me... this outburst from me has been coming for a long time.. you people come into MY backyard and tell me that I'm doing everythign wrong.. i don't say "soda", or i say "pop" wrong, or i do everything else differently.. well guess what? you came here... not my problem that we're different than it was where you came from... i'm getting really sick of being ragged on b/c i say things differently.. you came to Michigan; i didn't go to California, so deal with it
Me: ok fine...you know what? if you want us to stop then please ask us to...it is an important thing...you guys bug me about things that i say as well...just because I come from california doesn't make it all of a sudden ok...but you know what...I don't mind...if i did then I would let you know...I would tell you to your face...
Her: all i ask is that when you're on MY turf, don't make fun of me. you chose to come here, and you knew that cultural differences were something you were gonna have to deal with. and the only reason i'm not telling you to your face is because i don't want to get sick and yelling at you isn't worth it. and yes, if i want to be pessimistic, i'm damn well gonna be pessimistic..
Me: ok fine...I am done with this conversation...you go be pessimistic by yourself...I don't need that in my life right now...i had enough "friends" in my life before that screwed me over and if you don't want to be a good friend to me then I am not even going to mess with it...I am done...I am not going to back down an be weak like I have always done in the past...good night...and good bye...if you still want to be friends then let me know but it doesn't sound like you even like me very much...if that is the case...I am done...
Her: sounds good
*end IM*

well there you have it folks…we’re no longer friends…oh well…

I just don’t care anymore…


-Emmy R.

November 5, 2008

I told her...

So last night my RA came in my dorm room to have a discussion with my roommate and I about the guidelines we set up at the beginning of the year. We had to discus weather the guidelines were still what we wanted to be going by or if we needed to change any of our "rules" because of issues we have had so far. Anyways while we were talking my RA brought up the fact that my roommate is gone most weekends, she mentioned how that could possibly make me lonely. I believe that she was possibly referring to when I came in her room the other day on the weekend and I wanted to just be with someone (more on that later) so I asked her as she was leaving if I could stop by later to talk, and she said "Of course!" I also asked her what time Give me a Break (our study break in her room where we watch an episode of friends) was.

Later I went to her room for Give me a Break along with a few other girls from our floor. We watched friends and after she asked me to stay so we could discuss our biology assignment. After we had talked about biology she asked me if I wanted to talk then, I told her no but that I would come by later to talk.

Later I went to her room to see if she was there and could chat for a while. I told her that I wanted to talk about what she had mentioned earlier, about how I could be getting lonely over the weekends. I told her that I wasn't lonely when I came in the other night, but that I just needed to be around someone. I told her that I was really stressed out and that stress is sort of a trigger for me because I used to self-harm.

She looked at me and told me that she was really proud of me for coming to be with her and not just sitting by myself and trying to keep from cutting myself by myself. She told me over and over how proud she was and how happy she was that I had come to her instead of just going through it on my own.

Then she started asking me questions about why I had started self-harming. I told her about my friend in junior high who was having sex and doing drugs and about my friend who was diagnosed with cancer during my freshman year. I told her how hard those things were and how I felt out of control and the self injury became something I could "control" and it helped me to deal with the things going on in my life. She then asked me what had triggered it specifically that night. I told her that I honestly don't know what triggered it that night, and that I was mainly just feeling stressed out.

She continued to ask me questions about my self-harm and she told me about a friend of hers who self-harms and who cannot stop. She asked me about some of the things I had mentioned to her earlier during the semester. Like for example she asked about why I had said before that it was hard to tell people because I was afraid that they would judge me because there are so many misconceptions about self-harm and we also talked about a few other things.

She told me that she is not going to judge me for what I have done. I guess it kind of helps that she has taken a few classes in Psychology and that is currently her major as well. She started to tell me some stuff that made me smile, a whole list of other ways she will "judge" me, like how I am from a very cool place and a culture that she really wants to visit and how I have never experienced a real winter and I am going to freeze my butt off this winter. She made me really happy and made me think that I can tell people about this. She gave me hope in humanity. Hope that people won't automatically judge me, and hope that there are people worth trusting with your secrets.

Hope. What a simple four letter word. But it really isn't so simple. I have spent too much time not knowing what I can and can't hope in. I still don't understand hope, but I am learning more and more each day. The childish hope I used to have was torn from under my feet time and time again. Just as I would start to hope again there it went. Gone. Another simple four letter word. But this one is really simple. Hope. Is. Gone. That is what I felt for so long. I am starting to see a glimmer in the future. I am starting to hope again.






My next goal: God. I don't think he has been mentioned in anything that I have written thus far. There is a reason for that, you see, I don't know what I believe about Him anymore. As a child I had such a child-like faith. I was never really even given any other options besides to believe. When I went through the thing with my friend in junior high I tried to grasp tightly to God, at the time I believed that if God could get me through that he could get me through anything. I made profession of faith during eighth grade because I was basically on what I would consider a "faith high". When my friend was diagnosed with cancer at the end of my freshman year, and the things that had happened leading up to her diagnosis, I sort of lost control and I didn't understand what was going on, that is when my self harm started. I hated God at that point and blamed him for my friend's illness, and I guess in a sense that I still do. It is something that I have been trying to break through for a while now. I just don't know how to believe anymore since I have been angry at Him for so long now, I don't even know if I believe that he exists anymore.

Anyways...enough of my ranting for tonight...I am going to take a short nap and then go get Breakfast Replacement and then do my homework.

Later,
Emmy R.

November 4, 2008

Tell you

*note to reader* The words within the brackets like these [ ] are saying the same thing as the line above it. I am using a style of poetry that I learned in high school that I really enjoy writing from time to time. I don’t know if I like these extra lines included or if I might just take them out. *end note to reader*

Tell you
About
Things (objects? No)
Stories, truths, events
My (contained) life
[Contained within my life]
Happening or happened
Tearing . . me . . a . p . a . r . t
Or
Puttingmetogether
BUB (me) BLES
[Bubbles surrounding me]
Keeping evil influences out
\\|//
-POP- as I arrive
//|\\
Not understanding what I believe
(Or why)
Anymore
Previously Protected
Hidden from true choices
Currently Curious
About my new found freedom
Questioning Qualities
Which I once held true
Purposeful Pain
Searching throughout my life
Hunting for Healing
Learning how to grow
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Calm
Stories Spill
From
Loosening Lips
Trying To Tell
My stories

Won't you listen?

You talk and you talk
And you say you’re there to listen
But are you?
I can barely get a word in
Edgewise
I try to fit between your words
But I can hardly find room
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
There are things I would like
To tell you
Questions I would like
To ask you
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
I love to listen
To hear what you have to say
And to spend time with you
But sometimes I need to be heard too
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
Is it maybe
My fault
Because I don’t voice
That I want to be heard?
You talk and you talk
(I don’t and I don’t)
And say you’re there to listen
(I don’t tell you I need you to)
But are you?
(Or am I just not talking?)

November 1, 2008

The Past While

So I have been meaning to update this thing...

Things have been going pretty good this past little while. I was though really struggling last weekend, I was stressing myself by over thinking and I came so close to messing up. I am lucky, though, that I have such an amazing RA. She let me hang out in her room and just sit there while she did her homework and I just watched Sleepless in Seattle. I really needed to be around someone or I don't know if I would have made it without harming myself. While I was in there I was just sitting on her couch and hugging a pillow to my chest. She asked me why I was so quiet, and I didn't really tell her much. I think that I can trust her though, I think I will tell her sometime soon, but I am not completely sure.

Anyways, I might update more later...or if anything eventful happens this weekend...but I don't know...for now, though, I need to sleep. It is 4 am...I watched 3 movies tonight...the grudge, the birds, and school of rock...but goodnight...

Emmy R.