January 10, 2010

PostSecret video * My thoughts * Update

PostSecret video.

I just want to say that I LOVE PostSecret. I have mailed in several secrets but I have not seen any of them on the website or in two of the books I own



"I think everyone has a secret. And I like to imagine us keeping them in boxes kind of like this. [holds up box] And I think that everyday each one of us has a choice; to take that box, and bury it down deep inside of us and forget it like a coffin, or to find it and bring it out into the light, open it and share our secrets like gifts."

"The last thing i learned putting that book together is that all of us have a secret that would break your heart if you knew what it was."

"Free your secrets and become who you are."



******
My thoughts.

this video sent chills up my spine...I want to learn to free my secrets...but i am so, so scared. The only place I have shared them is on here and in a couple of secrets I have sent in to PostSecret. I have also told one person in my life, plus a few counselors...and of course there are the internet friends...but i wish i could tell more real-life people...





******
Update.

*big sigh* i just really really need a hug right now...i screwed up today...day 1 starts tomorrow...and i am not even able to write out or word vomit the thoughts going through my head...and that sucks...because then they just stay there and keep me down...i hate this...

January 4, 2010

Quote from "Purpose for the Pain" by Renee Yohe

Mom & Dad 4/5/04 - Another Excert From The Book
I open my mouth and the words won't come out, they're buried somewhere inside me, a vast graveyard that lies unmarked and readily forgotten. I'd rather forget. You'd be better off behind that blindfold; I don't want you to see. I don't want to hurt you…I'm broken, and this flight parallels all we wish to leave behind…but it will catch us. I can't run fast enough and endurance is lacking. I'm void of the defiance required to fight this off, I'm so drained by the constant fa├žade. Yet, I could never collapse into you, I could never stop. I wouldn't know how to end this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain, the disappointment, the lies, and the shame, for being the dirt under the rug. Sweep aside all the complications of my life so that it appears presentable. I know you never meant it like that. I never meant to be this way, but you don't even know it. It's a whole different world that lies undiscovered by you, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't think you'd understand, and I don't want your sympathy. I don't want to be the little child in your arms, I'd rather cry alone…and I don't know why. These tears are ungrateful, are they not selfish? Are they not wrong? What more is there, what's left? I don't want to do this, I just want to forget. To erase the blur that leads up to here, that's all it is after all. A dark blur that plagues my memory and my heart. I love you…and so I can't tell you, I won't tell you. I'm sorry.
"To tell or not to tell,
that. Is the question."


*sigh* my parents will NEVER know....................

January 3, 2010

more word vomit...

More thoughts
Running through my mind
Just found out about
A girl who I know
Is going to go to a hospital
A psych hospital
For a 60-90 day stay
For drug abuse
And anorexia…
And from what I have heard
Cutting too…
It hits much too close to home
It scares me…
Really, really scares me

What if that is how
They would react to my truth?
Send me away
Send me away
Send me away
Far far away
Hide me away
As if they are ashamed
(Because I know they would be)
Ashamed of my secrets
My secrets
Would become their secrets
And thus the web of lies continues...

They could send me away
To a place where
They would no longer
Have to deal with me
So they could keep
My crazy contained
So they could pretend
Everything was ok
(I used to wonder
Where I got my ability
To pretend,
It is no secret now)


I just know they would send me away
I feel crazy
But yet I feel so sane

remembering....and word vomit...

Driving down the highway
Nothing to do but follow
The car in front of me
Giving me time to think
Thoughts
Racing through my head
Leaving room for nothing else
Remembering times long past
Lies to people who care
People trying to help?
I went on my old xanga
At school
BIG mistake…
The tech guys saw it
Forwarded it to the counselor
She was worried about me
And she called me into her office
Asked me about it
At which point I lied
I told her I was pretending
That I heard about it and wanted
To talk to people who struggled
I knew people who did it
I read about it in a book
But, no, I was not doing it
She said she still had to call my parents
They freaked out
And overreacted
And I lied to them too
I lied and lied and lied
Now I am wondering
How my life would have been
Had I actually told the truth
And I’m feeling bad for the lies
Part of me is saying
That I should talk to the counselor
The other part of me says
That it is a crazy idea
They will put me away
In a padded room
With a straight jacket
But I hate myself for lying
And I want to make things right
I want to start telling the truth
And where better to start
Than where I lied before?




I joked with my friends
The other day
About how I might never tell
ANYONE
My deepest darkest secret
Maybe not ever
Maybe not even my future spouse
What scared me
Was that I meant it
I really truly meant it
My secret
Is so misunderstood
By SO many people in the world
That I do not want to be misunderstood
Except, how can they understand me
If they do not know my secret?
How can I understand myself
If I cannot admit my secret?





I hide behind happy smiles
Long sleeve shirts
And lies
I will NOT let them realize
The truth that hides behind my eyes…