I got my nose pierced today. I have been wanting to since a year or so before I even turned 18 (legal adult age in US). I am away from home in college (as you know if you have read this blog for long) and a friend wanted to get her cartilage pierced so I decided to get my nose done as well. We rode the bus all the way to the tattoo/piercing place and when we got in they asked to see our ID's (my friend forgot to bring hers so we are going back next weekend so she can get her cartilage pierced)
I was uber nervous and I thought that it was going to hurt really bad but the lady who did the piercing was great and it barely hurt at all! I wish I could put the name of the place on here but I can't for my own anonymity. The lady first got out all the equipment and then explained the procedure to me as well before actually doing the piercing. The piercing itself took about 10-15 seconds including putting the jewelry in. I had one tear fall from my eye but that was it. The tear was just from shock. I got it pierced on the right side of my nose. I LOVE how it looks! Also because it barely even hurt I really want to get some other piercings (I don't know what though) but I probably won't anytime soon. I need to see how I react to this one first. I want to make sure my skin (which is sensitive) doesn't reject the piercing and also that I don't get an infection!
All that is left is to call my mom and tell her...we will see how she reacts...I was going to do that tonight but I kept putting it off and now it is too late...I don't know if I should call tomorrow or not because it is sunday and there is church and all and she will be around family...but I do want to tell my friend when I call her tomorrow night...I will let you know what i do...
*****
ok...I called my mom and dad and their reaction was less crazy than I thought it would be...I had assumed that their reaction would be rather like that of the mother in this (click here) Instead they were rather civil. I called my mother first (assuming that she would be with my dad and he would hear at the same time, but she was at my great aunt's and he wasn't there) anyways she didn't believe me at first and then she told everyone in the house...LOL...at the end she sounded a little disappointed though and basically told me I should call my dad. After that I was scared to tell my dad. I called him and made small talk and the I just told him. He didn't believe me at first but then started laughing when I told him that mom said I needed to call him and tell him to make plans for his matching piercing. He laughed and then we just chatted and then at then end of the conversation he said that he was pretty proud of me and that if the only thing he has to worry about me is that I got a piercing then he is pretty happy.
Emmy R.
February 28, 2009
February 25, 2009
...
I hate:
That I still feel like cutting is a way out
That I can't cry when I need to
That I have scars covering parts of my body
That I will never be a "normal" college student
That I will always bear the burden of my past
That it seem like no guy will ever be interested in me
That I can't tell the truth even when it is the most important thing
That when my friends say things jokingly about self-harm I don't tell them off and let them know the seriousness of the matter
That I can't even be honest with myself
That even I never know what I am feeling
That I am so behind in my reading for all my classes that it seems like I will never catch up
That my body has scars all over it (how will I ever explain that to my children?)
*sigh* I am in a pretty sad mood right now...just frustrated with life...
I went to a panel discussion held in my dorm basement tonight that was about love and relationships. There were three couples: one married for 11 years, one married for 2 months, and one engaged to be married in july. They all seemed so happy. It raised some feelings for me...
How can a guy ever love someone who hates/hated themselves so much that they drag/ed a razor across their wrist? How can a guy love someone who can't even love themselves?
One of the main things I aspire to do in my life is to get married and raise children. I love kids, they are a passion in my life. Of course according my family and religion it has to be in that order, get married and then have kids...
I want to have at least one child even if I never get married. Weather I use a sperm donation or I adopt that I one of the things I want to do in my life...but I wonder, how can a person who is as screwed up as me ever do a good job raising a child
And again, I wonder, am I unlovable? Why is it that it seems like everyone around me can find someone to be in a relationship with while I just seem to sit around and noone is ever interested in me...
I am really upset right now but I can barely cry...I just thought about something...I am currently on a medication that one of the side effects can be a dry mouth, could that possibly also lead to not being able to produce tears? I hope that that is part of the problem and not just me...
OK I am out...I have WAY too much homework to do to sit on here and blog all night...already it is 12:30am...I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework...
Emmy R.
That I still feel like cutting is a way out
That I can't cry when I need to
That I have scars covering parts of my body
That I will never be a "normal" college student
That I will always bear the burden of my past
That it seem like no guy will ever be interested in me
That I can't tell the truth even when it is the most important thing
That when my friends say things jokingly about self-harm I don't tell them off and let them know the seriousness of the matter
That I can't even be honest with myself
That even I never know what I am feeling
That I am so behind in my reading for all my classes that it seems like I will never catch up
That my body has scars all over it (how will I ever explain that to my children?)
*sigh* I am in a pretty sad mood right now...just frustrated with life...
I went to a panel discussion held in my dorm basement tonight that was about love and relationships. There were three couples: one married for 11 years, one married for 2 months, and one engaged to be married in july. They all seemed so happy. It raised some feelings for me...
How can a guy ever love someone who hates/hated themselves so much that they drag/ed a razor across their wrist? How can a guy love someone who can't even love themselves?
One of the main things I aspire to do in my life is to get married and raise children. I love kids, they are a passion in my life. Of course according my family and religion it has to be in that order, get married and then have kids...
I want to have at least one child even if I never get married. Weather I use a sperm donation or I adopt that I one of the things I want to do in my life...but I wonder, how can a person who is as screwed up as me ever do a good job raising a child
And again, I wonder, am I unlovable? Why is it that it seems like everyone around me can find someone to be in a relationship with while I just seem to sit around and noone is ever interested in me...
I am really upset right now but I can barely cry...I just thought about something...I am currently on a medication that one of the side effects can be a dry mouth, could that possibly also lead to not being able to produce tears? I hope that that is part of the problem and not just me...
OK I am out...I have WAY too much homework to do to sit on here and blog all night...already it is 12:30am...I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework...
Emmy R.
February 20, 2009
To tell or not to tell...
yet another post...
I figured I would write on here that I am considering talking to my RA (who knows about my past struggle) about how I messed up. The thing is though, I think she is going to ask me why I did it. and The truth is that I just don't know why I started again. There was really no defining moment, I just did it...perhaps because of a buildup of stress? The only thing about it is that if I tell her then she has to tell our RD (the guy in charge of our dorm who lives in the dorm) and I don't really want him to know about it...
I just don't know what to do...my school has a free counseling center and I suppose i could go talk to them, but I really don't want to tell a complete stranger...much less I don't want any of this to go on my record or anything...also I have never officially had any therapy or anything, I basically stopped before on my own...so should I try to do that again?
I really trust my RA and I think she is an amazing person, but I don't really want to dump on her...but no one else really knows my story...I suppose I could just tell her that I am struggling with it, but she will just want to pray with me...and I honestly can't say if that will help...
OK...well got to go...I have a test to study for...and some sleep to get...
Let me know your thoughts...
Emmy R.
gah...I just don't know what to do...any advice???
I figured I would write on here that I am considering talking to my RA (who knows about my past struggle) about how I messed up. The thing is though, I think she is going to ask me why I did it. and The truth is that I just don't know why I started again. There was really no defining moment, I just did it...perhaps because of a buildup of stress? The only thing about it is that if I tell her then she has to tell our RD (the guy in charge of our dorm who lives in the dorm) and I don't really want him to know about it...
I just don't know what to do...my school has a free counseling center and I suppose i could go talk to them, but I really don't want to tell a complete stranger...much less I don't want any of this to go on my record or anything...also I have never officially had any therapy or anything, I basically stopped before on my own...so should I try to do that again?
I really trust my RA and I think she is an amazing person, but I don't really want to dump on her...but no one else really knows my story...I suppose I could just tell her that I am struggling with it, but she will just want to pray with me...and I honestly can't say if that will help...
OK...well got to go...I have a test to study for...and some sleep to get...
Let me know your thoughts...
Emmy R.
gah...I just don't know what to do...any advice???
Considering...a SI poem...but sort of random...just ranting my current thoughts...
Considering
My coping mechanism of choice
Razor to my skin
It helps me deal with my pain
To bury the hurts in my past
To hide the feelings
That are unacceptable to the world
(Or does it?)
Crippling emotionally
Tears I cannot cry
Emotions left unexpressed
Remembered only through the
Pink scars along my wrist
But the pain comes back
I cannot keep it at bay
Even with this method
That once seemed to work so well
I have come to know
The reality
The calm I felt
Through the razor to my skin
Only lasts for a short while
Soon the feelings creep back
They find their way
And begin to taunt me again
And I cut
Cut them out
Remove them
But somehow
They return
Again
Again
Again
Does it even work?????
My coping mechanism of choice
Razor to my skin
It helps me deal with my pain
To bury the hurts in my past
To hide the feelings
That are unacceptable to the world
(Or does it?)
Crippling emotionally
Tears I cannot cry
Emotions left unexpressed
Remembered only through the
Pink scars along my wrist
But the pain comes back
I cannot keep it at bay
Even with this method
That once seemed to work so well
I have come to know
The reality
The calm I felt
Through the razor to my skin
Only lasts for a short while
Soon the feelings creep back
They find their way
And begin to taunt me again
And I cut
Cut them out
Remove them
But somehow
They return
Again
Again
Again
Does it even work?????
Hold - Superchic[k] and The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I wanted to share two songs I like...here you go...lyrics are below each video...
Superchic[k] - Hold
Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
[instrumental break]
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Ok one more...I don't much like the sound of the song...a little tame for my general tastes...but all the same...I like the lyrics...
The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking.
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction.
My faith is shakin.
But I,I gotta keep tryin.
Gotta keep my head held high.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on 'cause,
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah-yea
Keep on moving,
Keep climbing,
Keep the faith,
Baby.
It’s all about,
It’s all about the climb.
Keep your faith,
Keep your faith.
Whoa, O Whoa.
Superchic[k] - Hold
Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
[instrumental break]
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Ok one more...I don't much like the sound of the song...a little tame for my general tastes...but all the same...I like the lyrics...
The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking.
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction.
My faith is shakin.
But I,I gotta keep tryin.
Gotta keep my head held high.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on 'cause,
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah-yea
Keep on moving,
Keep climbing,
Keep the faith,
Baby.
It’s all about,
It’s all about the climb.
Keep your faith,
Keep your faith.
Whoa, O Whoa.
February 14, 2009
poem
standing Still
in Front of the mirror
old Scars
newer Cuts
markings that Remind me
of where I have Been
of where I Can Be
of where I am
Razor Blade resting
on the counter in front of me
Will i
or Won't i?
these are the Questions
running through my Mind
a Simple yes or no would suffice
or would it?
would the Emotions facing me
Express themselves
or is this the Only way
can i even Cry?
crying:
Strength or Weakness?
cutting:
Coping or Crazy?
I don't feel like this poem has an ending but that is all I got...
oh well
Emmy R.
in Front of the mirror
old Scars
newer Cuts
markings that Remind me
of where I have Been
of where I Can Be
of where I am
Razor Blade resting
on the counter in front of me
Will i
or Won't i?
these are the Questions
running through my Mind
a Simple yes or no would suffice
or would it?
would the Emotions facing me
Express themselves
or is this the Only way
can i even Cry?
crying:
Strength or Weakness?
cutting:
Coping or Crazy?
I don't feel like this poem has an ending but that is all I got...
oh well
Emmy R.
February 11, 2009
Current status... and Re: Comment on Trigger: Release and lastly, a poem: Lament
I don't think that I mentioned this yet in my blog. Actually I don't think anyone knows yet, and I don't plan on telling anyone anytime soon (besides those who read this blog of course).
*WARNING: possibly triggering post*
I started self-harming again. I am not even super sure why I started again, I didn't like have a specific emotion or frustration that made me want to cut to deal with it. I just was feeling sort of weird that whole day and then I just decided (as I was getting ready to hop in the shower) that I didn't want to fight the urges anymore. I got a scissors and just started running them across my wrist, no blood (my stupid college scissors aren't as sharp as the ones I have at home). I was mad that the scissors were not sharp but I gave up after a while because they just weren't sharp enough to get blood, and my roommate was in my room where my razors were so I couldn't get them. Then just the other day I got out one of my razors and had another session. Beautiful!
I don't plan on telling anyone besides those who read this blog though. I just don't even want to fight anymore, the will to stop is just gone...
That brings me to the second half of my post...
The comment on my last post made me think about my self-harm. Megalulz (who posted anonymously because he "Can't be arsed to sign in" :) talked about how he feels when he self-harms. How he doesn't feel pain.
"This was horrible and difficult to watch. I winced as she used the blade on
herself. Seems I just can't bear seeing other people cut themselves, but when I
do it myself seems perfectly normal. I'm surprised I winced, since I don't
associate physical pain with cutting. I am quite certain that the girl in the
video, 'imaginary' as she is, would feel no pain from the blade going through
her arm. I've never felt pain when I'm cutting myself, not ever, even the times
I cut myself the worst and I could literally hear my skin rip open. I find
shallow cuts or scoring are sore afterwards; deeper cuts do not hurt when made,
nor do they hurt afterwards. I find that to be strange."
I wanted to talk about the thoughts going through my head when I self-harm...
I do feel the pain of the object cutting into my skin. The pain, though, is a good pain. Technically bad, but the outer pain helps to express my inner pain, it gives me an outlet for when I need to express things. I can express hatred or anger towards myself, or God, I can express my frustration with events in my life. All the emotions I need to express can be "simply" and "easily" dealt with. But the truth of the matter is that I am not dealing with the emotions instead i am burying them which actually makes things worse...but who cares...
One last quote from Megalulz:
"And I love it when she says, "Maybe through my blood I can be free."
That is my favorite line as well...
Anyways...that is my thoughts on this matter for today...I had more to say about the first part but I forgot what it was...oh well...
Last thing for this post...I wrote a poem early this morning at like 2am or 3am.
Here it is:
2-11-09
Lament
Not Understanding
Why things happened
The way that they have
Grieving
For those I have lost
To death, to drugs
Or to so many other things
Grief left alone
And not expressed
Screams from my body
In sudden bursts of
Anger
Causing me to lose sight of myself
Grieving (again)
Because I can’t understand
How I could even lose myself
Hatred
Seeping through
Towards myself,
For having this feeling I despise
And towards God,
Because I don’t know who else to be angry at
Stress
Caused by beliefs once held true
Now questioned
And friendships falling apart
And not being able to understand
How that happened
Without me realizing
Emotions buried
Deep, never to be found
Leaking out
In the blood that I bleed
Silver Razor.
Porcelain Skin.
Crimson Blood.
A beautiful picture
Red lines
Covering the surface’
Of my wrist,
My thigh,
My stomach.
Grief
Anger
Hatred
Stress
I try to articulate
Through the blood dripping
From lines on my skin
Lines that make it impossible
To truly heal
They cover up and bury
Emotions unexpressed
Causing me to return
To this unfruitful
Venue of communication
So I have finally reached the end of what is a quite long post...(:
Emmy R.
*WARNING: possibly triggering post*
I started self-harming again. I am not even super sure why I started again, I didn't like have a specific emotion or frustration that made me want to cut to deal with it. I just was feeling sort of weird that whole day and then I just decided (as I was getting ready to hop in the shower) that I didn't want to fight the urges anymore. I got a scissors and just started running them across my wrist, no blood (my stupid college scissors aren't as sharp as the ones I have at home). I was mad that the scissors were not sharp but I gave up after a while because they just weren't sharp enough to get blood, and my roommate was in my room where my razors were so I couldn't get them. Then just the other day I got out one of my razors and had another session. Beautiful!
I don't plan on telling anyone besides those who read this blog though. I just don't even want to fight anymore, the will to stop is just gone...
That brings me to the second half of my post...
The comment on my last post made me think about my self-harm. Megalulz (who posted anonymously because he "Can't be arsed to sign in" :) talked about how he feels when he self-harms. How he doesn't feel pain.
"This was horrible and difficult to watch. I winced as she used the blade on
herself. Seems I just can't bear seeing other people cut themselves, but when I
do it myself seems perfectly normal. I'm surprised I winced, since I don't
associate physical pain with cutting. I am quite certain that the girl in the
video, 'imaginary' as she is, would feel no pain from the blade going through
her arm. I've never felt pain when I'm cutting myself, not ever, even the times
I cut myself the worst and I could literally hear my skin rip open. I find
shallow cuts or scoring are sore afterwards; deeper cuts do not hurt when made,
nor do they hurt afterwards. I find that to be strange."
I wanted to talk about the thoughts going through my head when I self-harm...
I do feel the pain of the object cutting into my skin. The pain, though, is a good pain. Technically bad, but the outer pain helps to express my inner pain, it gives me an outlet for when I need to express things. I can express hatred or anger towards myself, or God, I can express my frustration with events in my life. All the emotions I need to express can be "simply" and "easily" dealt with. But the truth of the matter is that I am not dealing with the emotions instead i am burying them which actually makes things worse...but who cares...
One last quote from Megalulz:
"And I love it when she says, "Maybe through my blood I can be free."
That is my favorite line as well...
Anyways...that is my thoughts on this matter for today...I had more to say about the first part but I forgot what it was...oh well...
Last thing for this post...I wrote a poem early this morning at like 2am or 3am.
Here it is:
2-11-09
Lament
Not Understanding
Why things happened
The way that they have
Grieving
For those I have lost
To death, to drugs
Or to so many other things
Grief left alone
And not expressed
Screams from my body
In sudden bursts of
Anger
Causing me to lose sight of myself
Grieving (again)
Because I can’t understand
How I could even lose myself
Hatred
Seeping through
Towards myself,
For having this feeling I despise
And towards God,
Because I don’t know who else to be angry at
Stress
Caused by beliefs once held true
Now questioned
And friendships falling apart
And not being able to understand
How that happened
Without me realizing
Emotions buried
Deep, never to be found
Leaking out
In the blood that I bleed
Silver Razor.
Porcelain Skin.
Crimson Blood.
A beautiful picture
Red lines
Covering the surface’
Of my wrist,
My thigh,
My stomach.
Grief
Anger
Hatred
Stress
I try to articulate
Through the blood dripping
From lines on my skin
Lines that make it impossible
To truly heal
They cover up and bury
Emotions unexpressed
Causing me to return
To this unfruitful
Venue of communication
So I have finally reached the end of what is a quite long post...(:
Emmy R.
February 9, 2009
Trigger: Release
WARNING: this may trigger. Do not watch the video or read the transcript of it if you are easily triggered.
This is a beautiful video that I feel expresses the feelings and the idea of self-harm very well. I found this yesterday and I have watched it over and over again, it is just amazing. I have probably watched it like 50 times. A very significant waste of the time I should have been doing homework but all the same I love it.
http://www.whatistrigger.com/
Transcript: (as best as I could get it...)
I am not ok (black screen)
I am not ok (black fades to girl walking into bedroom)
I am not sure if God even knows how not ok I am (walking, don’t see face/head)
I run but my depression follows (sits on bed, looks at journal)
I can’t hide (journaling) [CUT]
But I can’t stand and fight (journaling) (chair crashes against mirror)
Trying to be normal (journaling)
Trying to be normal (you see three faces; sad, medium and happy)
The thoughts (ugh) they possess me (see cuts)
Try to fit in (journaling)
try to be normal (journaling) (touches cracked mirror, image of herself)
Ooh what a cry possesses me
I want to hurt (journaling) (crying voice)
Pain (journaling) (crying voice)
Forward (echo: forward, forward) tea kettle sound
The hurt, it’s who I am now (rips page from journal and crumples them)
(The Pain)
The pain drives me (try to fit in, try to be normal) (scratches arm)
Demands of me (gets up and walks to dresser) (voice gets more and more upset)
Drives me (opens dresser drawer)
Demands of me (picks up razor and hold it in hand) (more upset)
Forward (echo: forward, forward) (closes dresser drawer)
Feed me (more upset)
Drive me (zoom in on face)
Release me (echo: Release me) (looks at camera) (more upset)
Release me (said calmly, she knows what she is going to do…)
(Girl cuts her arm, drips of blood hit the floor, you hear deep, relaxed, breathing in and out, sits on ground)
Maybe through my blood (my blood) I can be free (I can be free) (cuts again) (Breathing, then lays down)
These scars, a reminder (view of side of arm, not very graphic)
That I am not one of his children
That I am not one of his children (said with emphasis)
(it starts raining in the room, music plays)
ink pours out from the journals and down the dresser, blood from her arm all mixing with the rain
This is a beautiful video that I feel expresses the feelings and the idea of self-harm very well. I found this yesterday and I have watched it over and over again, it is just amazing. I have probably watched it like 50 times. A very significant waste of the time I should have been doing homework but all the same I love it.
http://www.whatistrigger.com/
Transcript: (as best as I could get it...)
I am not ok (black screen)
I am not ok (black fades to girl walking into bedroom)
I am not sure if God even knows how not ok I am (walking, don’t see face/head)
I run but my depression follows (sits on bed, looks at journal)
I can’t hide (journaling) [CUT]
But I can’t stand and fight (journaling) (chair crashes against mirror)
Trying to be normal (journaling)
Trying to be normal (you see three faces; sad, medium and happy)
The thoughts (ugh) they possess me (see cuts)
Try to fit in (journaling)
try to be normal (journaling) (touches cracked mirror, image of herself)
Ooh what a cry possesses me
I want to hurt (journaling) (crying voice)
Pain (journaling) (crying voice)
Forward (echo: forward, forward) tea kettle sound
The hurt, it’s who I am now (rips page from journal and crumples them)
(The Pain)
The pain drives me (try to fit in, try to be normal) (scratches arm)
Demands of me (gets up and walks to dresser) (voice gets more and more upset)
Drives me (opens dresser drawer)
Demands of me (picks up razor and hold it in hand) (more upset)
Forward (echo: forward, forward) (closes dresser drawer)
Feed me (more upset)
Drive me (zoom in on face)
Release me (echo: Release me) (looks at camera) (more upset)
Release me (said calmly, she knows what she is going to do…)
(Girl cuts her arm, drips of blood hit the floor, you hear deep, relaxed, breathing in and out, sits on ground)
Maybe through my blood (my blood) I can be free (I can be free) (cuts again) (Breathing, then lays down)
These scars, a reminder (view of side of arm, not very graphic)
That I am not one of his children
That I am not one of his children (said with emphasis)
(it starts raining in the room, music plays)
ink pours out from the journals and down the dresser, blood from her arm all mixing with the rain
February 8, 2009
PostSecret
I just finished my secret for post-secret (above). I will try to remember to mail it out tomorrow...this is the first secret I have made and I plan to make a few more some day when I have time.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
PostSecret
13345 CopperRidge Rd
Germantown, MD 20874
Emmy R.
A Doubter's Confession
This could even be my own confession...except...I suppose my doubt goes even further than just the Resurrection Story and Easter...
Emmy R.
The Woman at the Well
This video is based off the story of the woman at the well in the bible. I have posted below the story. I think that this video is very poignant. Watch it and let me know what you think if you like...
Emmy R.
John 4:1-30, 39-42 (MSG)
The Woman at the Well
1 -3 Jesus realized that the Pharisees were keeping count of the baptisms that he and John performed (although his disciples, not Jesus, did the actual baptizing). They had posted the score that Jesus was ahead, turning him and John into rivals in the eyes of the people. So Jesus left the Judean countryside and went back to Galilee.
4 -6To get there, he had to pass through Samaria. He came into Sychar, a Samaritan village that bordered the field Jacob had given his son Joseph. Jacob's well was still there. Jesus, worn out by the trip, sat down at the well. It was noon.
7 -8A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?" (His disciples had gone to the village to buy food for lunch.)
9The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?" (Jews in those days wouldn't be caught dead talking to Samaritans.)
10Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."
11 -12The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"
13 -14Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."
15The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"
16He said, "Go call your husband and then come back."
17 -18"I have no husband," she said.
"That's nicely put: 'I have no husband.' You've had five husbands, and the man you're living with now isn't even your husband. You spoke the truth there, sure enough."
19 -20"Oh, so you're a prophet! Well, tell me this: Our ancestors worshiped God at this mountain, but you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place for worship, right?"
21 -23"Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God's way of salvation is made available through the Jews. But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.
23 -24"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
25The woman said, "I don't know about that. I do know that the Messiah is coming. When he arrives, we'll get the whole story."
26"I am he," said Jesus. "You don't have to wait any longer or look any further."
27Just then his disciples came back. They were shocked. They couldn't believe he was talking with that kind of a woman. No one said what they were all thinking, but their faces showed it.
28 -30The woman took the hint and left. In her confusion she left her water pot. Back in the village she told the people, "Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out. Do you think this could be the Messiah?" And they went out to see for themselves.
***
39 -42Many of the Samaritans from that village committed themselves to him because of the woman's witness: "He knew all about the things I did. He knows me inside and out!" They asked him to stay on, so Jesus stayed two days. A lot more people entrusted their lives to him when they heard what he had to say. They said to the woman, "We're no longer taking this on your say-so. We've heard it for ourselves and know it for sure. He's the Savior of the world!"
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson
February 3, 2009
A note to Nottheusual/Megalulz and a long post on Lament...
Nottheusual/Megalulz:
You don't have to follow me if you want...but just so you know...I actually like that you follow it...I really like that someone cares enough to read the blogs I post...
So even if you don't "follow" anymore, Thanks for at least reading them!
Emmy R
This past Sunday i attended church at a non-denominational church that is near the university I attend. I have attended the church several times before and like the feel of it better than the CRC church I attend at home. My home church has like 2,000 people that attend and this smaller church has only about 40 people. I guess that I have some hard feelings towards the CRC denomination because of the hypocrisy that I saw. (I believe I discussed it in this post http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-spiritual-journey.html but if i didn't, or you have any questions, comment on this blog and let me know and i can explain it further)
Anyways, I attended this church with a friend and after we stayed for a bible study thing for college students. (there was a free lunch involved...:) ) We (there were 5 of us including the 2 leaders...) discussed Lamentations 2 (I guess they had discussed Lamentations 1 the previous meeting.) First the main leader asked what we thought "lament" meant. I said I thought it meant a deep sadness, frustration, grief, anger and several other words along those lines. He told me that that was a pretty good definition of what lament was. We then discussed the role of the church in lament. It was quiet for a while and then the other leader piped up and said that the church should, ideally, be there for those who are lamenting and they should support them through the hard times. She also said that people often don't speak of their laments, especially to the church, because they feel ashamed and guilty about their lament and they also fear the judgment that they believe the church will bring. We also discussed how the anger and frustration we feel when lamenting, and also the lament shown in the passage, are often expressed through our anger at God. This is another reason we feel we cannot express our lament to the church.
As we discussed this I was freaking out! The whole concept of lament, which I had previously known about but barely understood, describes exactly what I have been going through for the past few years. I have been so frustrated and angry because of the things that have happened in my life. (Originally I did not allow myself to be angry at God and instead became angry at myself which started my self-harm.) I still don't understand completely this whole concept yet but I am just interested in the idea. Maybe my anger at myself and also God is actually ok. Maybe I am not a horrible person because of my anger. The person who wrote lamentations poured out their anger and frustration towards God and expressed how they were feeling. Maybe I need to express my own frustration and anger and I need to tell someone about my own struggle with God. This scares me hugely, because I am so afraid of being judged for the feelings that I have had/am still having.
Emmy R.
Below is the passage from Lamentations that we read. We read it in a different translation but this should make the same points...this is copied and pasted from bible.com
The Message (MSG)
Lamentations 2
God Walked Away from His Holy Temple
1 Oh, oh, oh...
How the Master has cut down Daughter Zion
from the skies, dashed Israel's glorious city to earth,
in his anger treated his favorite as throwaway junk.
2The Master, without a second thought, took Israel in one gulp.
Raging, he smashed Judah's defenses,
made hash of her king and princes.
3His anger blazing, he knocked Israel flat,
broke Israel's arm and turned his back just as the enemy approached,
came on Jacob like a wildfire from every direction.
4Like an enemy, he aimed his bow, bared his sword,
and killed our young men, our pride and joy.
His anger, like fire, burned down the homes in Zion.
5The Master became the enemy. He had Israel for supper.
He chewed up and spit out all the defenses.
He left Daughter Judah moaning and groaning.
6He plowed up his old trysting place, trashed his favorite rendezvous.
God wiped out Zion's memories of feast days and Sabbaths,
angrily sacked king and priest alike.
7God abandoned his altar, walked away from his holy Temple
and turned the fortifications over to the enemy.
As they cheered in God's Temple, you'd have thought it was a feast day!
8God drew up plans to tear down the walls of Daughter Zion.
He assembled his crew, set to work and went at it.
Total demolition! The stones wept!
9Her city gates, iron bars and all, disappeared in the rubble:
her kings and princes off to exile—no one left to instruct or lead;
her prophets useless—they neither saw nor heard anything from God.
10The elders of Daughter Zion sit silent on the ground.
They throw dust on their heads, dress in rough penitential burlap—
the young virgins of Jerusalem, their faces creased with the dirt.
11My eyes are blind with tears, my stomach in a knot.
My insides have turned to jelly over my people's fate.
Babies and children are fainting all over the place,
12Calling to their mothers, "I'm hungry! I'm thirsty!"
then fainting like dying soldiers in the streets,
breathing their last in their mothers' laps.
13How can I understand your plight, dear Jerusalem?
What can I say to give you comfort, dear Zion?
Who can put you together again? This bust-up is past understanding.
14Your prophets courted you with sweet talk.
They didn't face you with your sin so that you could repent.
Their sermons were all wishful thinking, deceptive illusions.
15Astonished, passersby can't believe what they see.
They rub their eyes, they shake their heads over Jerusalem.
Is this the city voted "Most Beautiful" and "Best Place to Live"?
16But now your enemies gape, slack-jawed.
Then they rub their hands in glee: "We've got them!
We've been waiting for this! Here it is!"
17God did carry out, item by item, exactly what he said he'd do.
He always said he'd do this. Now he's done it—torn the place down.
He's let your enemies walk all over you, declared them world champions!
18Give out heart-cries to the Master, dear repentant Zion.
Let the tears roll like a river, day and night,
and keep at it—no time-outs. Keep those tears flowing!
19As each night watch begins, get up and cry out in prayer.
Pour your heart out face-to-face with the Master.
Lift high your hands. Beg for the lives of your children
who are starving to death out on the streets.
20"Look at us, God. Think it over. Have you ever treated anyone like this?
Should women eat their own babies, the very children they raised?
Should priests and prophets be murdered in the Master's own Sanctuary?
21"Boys and old men lie in the gutters of the streets,
my young men and women killed in their prime.
Angry, you killed them in cold blood, cut them down without mercy.
22"You invited, like friends to a party, men to swoop down in attack
so that on the big day of God's wrath no one would get away.
The children I loved and reared—gone, gone, gone."
You don't have to follow me if you want...but just so you know...I actually like that you follow it...I really like that someone cares enough to read the blogs I post...
So even if you don't "follow" anymore, Thanks for at least reading them!
Emmy R
This past Sunday i attended church at a non-denominational church that is near the university I attend. I have attended the church several times before and like the feel of it better than the CRC church I attend at home. My home church has like 2,000 people that attend and this smaller church has only about 40 people. I guess that I have some hard feelings towards the CRC denomination because of the hypocrisy that I saw. (I believe I discussed it in this post http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-spiritual-journey.html but if i didn't, or you have any questions, comment on this blog and let me know and i can explain it further)
Anyways, I attended this church with a friend and after we stayed for a bible study thing for college students. (there was a free lunch involved...:) ) We (there were 5 of us including the 2 leaders...) discussed Lamentations 2 (I guess they had discussed Lamentations 1 the previous meeting.) First the main leader asked what we thought "lament" meant. I said I thought it meant a deep sadness, frustration, grief, anger and several other words along those lines. He told me that that was a pretty good definition of what lament was. We then discussed the role of the church in lament. It was quiet for a while and then the other leader piped up and said that the church should, ideally, be there for those who are lamenting and they should support them through the hard times. She also said that people often don't speak of their laments, especially to the church, because they feel ashamed and guilty about their lament and they also fear the judgment that they believe the church will bring. We also discussed how the anger and frustration we feel when lamenting, and also the lament shown in the passage, are often expressed through our anger at God. This is another reason we feel we cannot express our lament to the church.
As we discussed this I was freaking out! The whole concept of lament, which I had previously known about but barely understood, describes exactly what I have been going through for the past few years. I have been so frustrated and angry because of the things that have happened in my life. (Originally I did not allow myself to be angry at God and instead became angry at myself which started my self-harm.) I still don't understand completely this whole concept yet but I am just interested in the idea. Maybe my anger at myself and also God is actually ok. Maybe I am not a horrible person because of my anger. The person who wrote lamentations poured out their anger and frustration towards God and expressed how they were feeling. Maybe I need to express my own frustration and anger and I need to tell someone about my own struggle with God. This scares me hugely, because I am so afraid of being judged for the feelings that I have had/am still having.
Emmy R.
Below is the passage from Lamentations that we read. We read it in a different translation but this should make the same points...this is copied and pasted from bible.com
The Message (MSG)
Lamentations 2
God Walked Away from His Holy Temple
1 Oh, oh, oh...
How the Master has cut down Daughter Zion
from the skies, dashed Israel's glorious city to earth,
in his anger treated his favorite as throwaway junk.
2The Master, without a second thought, took Israel in one gulp.
Raging, he smashed Judah's defenses,
made hash of her king and princes.
3His anger blazing, he knocked Israel flat,
broke Israel's arm and turned his back just as the enemy approached,
came on Jacob like a wildfire from every direction.
4Like an enemy, he aimed his bow, bared his sword,
and killed our young men, our pride and joy.
His anger, like fire, burned down the homes in Zion.
5The Master became the enemy. He had Israel for supper.
He chewed up and spit out all the defenses.
He left Daughter Judah moaning and groaning.
6He plowed up his old trysting place, trashed his favorite rendezvous.
God wiped out Zion's memories of feast days and Sabbaths,
angrily sacked king and priest alike.
7God abandoned his altar, walked away from his holy Temple
and turned the fortifications over to the enemy.
As they cheered in God's Temple, you'd have thought it was a feast day!
8God drew up plans to tear down the walls of Daughter Zion.
He assembled his crew, set to work and went at it.
Total demolition! The stones wept!
9Her city gates, iron bars and all, disappeared in the rubble:
her kings and princes off to exile—no one left to instruct or lead;
her prophets useless—they neither saw nor heard anything from God.
10The elders of Daughter Zion sit silent on the ground.
They throw dust on their heads, dress in rough penitential burlap—
the young virgins of Jerusalem, their faces creased with the dirt.
11My eyes are blind with tears, my stomach in a knot.
My insides have turned to jelly over my people's fate.
Babies and children are fainting all over the place,
12Calling to their mothers, "I'm hungry! I'm thirsty!"
then fainting like dying soldiers in the streets,
breathing their last in their mothers' laps.
13How can I understand your plight, dear Jerusalem?
What can I say to give you comfort, dear Zion?
Who can put you together again? This bust-up is past understanding.
14Your prophets courted you with sweet talk.
They didn't face you with your sin so that you could repent.
Their sermons were all wishful thinking, deceptive illusions.
15Astonished, passersby can't believe what they see.
They rub their eyes, they shake their heads over Jerusalem.
Is this the city voted "Most Beautiful" and "Best Place to Live"?
16But now your enemies gape, slack-jawed.
Then they rub their hands in glee: "We've got them!
We've been waiting for this! Here it is!"
17God did carry out, item by item, exactly what he said he'd do.
He always said he'd do this. Now he's done it—torn the place down.
He's let your enemies walk all over you, declared them world champions!
18Give out heart-cries to the Master, dear repentant Zion.
Let the tears roll like a river, day and night,
and keep at it—no time-outs. Keep those tears flowing!
19As each night watch begins, get up and cry out in prayer.
Pour your heart out face-to-face with the Master.
Lift high your hands. Beg for the lives of your children
who are starving to death out on the streets.
20"Look at us, God. Think it over. Have you ever treated anyone like this?
Should women eat their own babies, the very children they raised?
Should priests and prophets be murdered in the Master's own Sanctuary?
21"Boys and old men lie in the gutters of the streets,
my young men and women killed in their prime.
Angry, you killed them in cold blood, cut them down without mercy.
22"You invited, like friends to a party, men to swoop down in attack
so that on the big day of God's wrath no one would get away.
The children I loved and reared—gone, gone, gone."
Rampant Emotion: wordle.com
I made this "wordle" at wordle.com
with my poem Rampant Emotion
06-07-08
Rampant emotion
Completely out of control
Unstoppable, it seems to be
Running unchecked
Through my soul
Causing extensive damage
Irreparable, it might seem
In a wild storm,
Damaging everything
Rampant emotion
February 2, 2009
Questions about me and my self-harm...
Age: 18
Birthday: Late in May
Label yourself (prep,goth,druggie,weirdo, etc.): I don't do labels...
How long have you been cutting?: 4-5 years...
Favorite tool?: mainly scissors sometimes razors
Where (place) do you cut? (school,home, etc.): usually the bathroom on my own...sitting on the toilet or in the shower
Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists,forearms,& upper arms etc)
No, the scars are barely visible
Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?: No
Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?: not generally
Do you cut on your hands, neck, or face?: not usually...though sometimes my hands
Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?: not really
What's your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut/scar?: They are barely visible...so people never see them...but one time a friend saw a cut and I said it was a cat scratch...lame i know...
Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?: a few...basically invisible...
Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?: No
Do you have (diagnosed or not) Depression, and/or Bipolar/BPD?: maybe a little depression...
Who knows you cut?: My RA, RD and a few random friends
Have you ever been caught cutting?: no
Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?: no
Did you have a good childhood?: most of it...until jr high...
Why do you cut?: it helps me to deal with emotions that I don't know how to express
Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?: Yes
Do you want to stop cutting, but cant because of addiction?: I have mainly stopped...but the pressure to start again is sometimes almost unbearable...and I have messed up...
Do you like cutting?: that is a wierd question....I don't really like it...but I don't know how i would have gotten through the things i went through without it...
How many times have you tried to complete suicide?: never...my self-harm is about living through crap...not dying...
What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?: I understand what people have gone through to make them feel the way they do that leads to self-harm...because I have gone through it too...
Do you like watching movies with Self-injury?: depends on my mood...
Do you like looking at pictures of Self-injury?: again depends on my mood...
Do you sometimes envy other people? (non-self-injurers): depends...we all have crap to deal with in life...
Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?: yes, but I don't post them online generally...
Do you want to die? if yes, Why?: No
Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?: Yes, I actually just wrote a paper on it...
What do you like to listen too while cutting?: I don't listen to anything...
Have you ever needed stitches from cutting? no
Do you dream about cutting? no
Would you rather have a boyfriend/girlfriend that is also a cutter?: maybe because they would understand...but no because I don't want them to have to deal with that type of pain...
What do you use to bandage your cuts after a session?: I cover my cuts with gauze and tape generally
if anyone has any other questions let me know...I will most likely answer them...
Emmy R.
Birthday: Late in May
Label yourself (prep,goth,druggie,weirdo, etc.): I don't do labels...
How long have you been cutting?: 4-5 years...
Favorite tool?: mainly scissors sometimes razors
Where (place) do you cut? (school,home, etc.): usually the bathroom on my own...sitting on the toilet or in the shower
Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists,forearms,& upper arms etc)
No, the scars are barely visible
Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?: No
Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?: not generally
Do you cut on your hands, neck, or face?: not usually...though sometimes my hands
Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?: not really
What's your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut/scar?: They are barely visible...so people never see them...but one time a friend saw a cut and I said it was a cat scratch...lame i know...
Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?: a few...basically invisible...
Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?: No
Do you have (diagnosed or not) Depression, and/or Bipolar/BPD?: maybe a little depression...
Who knows you cut?: My RA, RD and a few random friends
Have you ever been caught cutting?: no
Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?: no
Did you have a good childhood?: most of it...until jr high...
Why do you cut?: it helps me to deal with emotions that I don't know how to express
Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?: Yes
Do you want to stop cutting, but cant because of addiction?: I have mainly stopped...but the pressure to start again is sometimes almost unbearable...and I have messed up...
Do you like cutting?: that is a wierd question....I don't really like it...but I don't know how i would have gotten through the things i went through without it...
How many times have you tried to complete suicide?: never...my self-harm is about living through crap...not dying...
What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?: I understand what people have gone through to make them feel the way they do that leads to self-harm...because I have gone through it too...
Do you like watching movies with Self-injury?: depends on my mood...
Do you like looking at pictures of Self-injury?: again depends on my mood...
Do you sometimes envy other people? (non-self-injurers): depends...we all have crap to deal with in life...
Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?: yes, but I don't post them online generally...
Do you want to die? if yes, Why?: No
Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?: Yes, I actually just wrote a paper on it...
What do you like to listen too while cutting?: I don't listen to anything...
Have you ever needed stitches from cutting? no
Do you dream about cutting? no
Would you rather have a boyfriend/girlfriend that is also a cutter?: maybe because they would understand...but no because I don't want them to have to deal with that type of pain...
What do you use to bandage your cuts after a session?: I cover my cuts with gauze and tape generally
if anyone has any other questions let me know...I will most likely answer them...
Emmy R.
Self-Harm Survey
Hey I used to Self-harm and I am just interested in having some people take an anonymous polls that I have set up a poll online that I would love if people would go take it...just follow the link and answer the questions...Thanks!!!
http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/7L9Q153/Self-Harm-Survey
Emmy R.
http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/7L9Q153/Self-Harm-Survey
Emmy R.
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