August 10, 2010

When things like this happen
I automatically blame myself
It makes me feel
Like less of a person
I start to hate myself

And I blame myself
Because it has happened
To me
This abandonment
Far too many times in my life
It makes me hate myself

When I am just learning
To love myself again
And my world crashes around me
So generally I fight any relationship
I am a loner

And I do not trust
So it hurts even more
When it comes from

One of the few people

Who I have let in

So i haven't updated in a while, screwed up again today, I just haven't been doing well this summer...

right now i am sort of in a bad place. I cut today and am just really feeling down and bad in general...i haven't been doing so great in general lately with sort of a roller coaster of emotions...

It all started with a routine TB skin test which tested i had to get a chest X-Ray which was negative, so my doctor said i have latent TB and there is pretty much no chance of it going positive unless i wait till i am old or have some sort of immune deficiency so she put me on an antibiotic to kill whatever i do have in me so there will be no chance of getting it, unless of course i am exposed again...

anywho i told my friend who i was going to be rooming with next year because i though it was sorta humorous...i really didn't think anything of it because my doctor said that testing positive and exposure was pretty common and i wouldn't get active and blah blah i told her and she told her mom and her mom freaked out and overreacted and told her she shouldn't room with me anymore because of it... (she has had her husband (Lung Disease, he was not a smoker or anything) and first daughter (SIDS) die of lung related diseases) and she basically runs her daughters life because she is way too worried all the time and over protective (my friend, brandy, is not even allowed to eat microwave popcorn because some ingredient in it can cause issues with the lungs, like i said over protective)

so now my friend is going to ditch me and move into another room or something, if she even can at this point with only 3 weeks left before the school basically i am now just really frustrated with her mom for running her life and also with her for letting her mom do it...and also with myself for even telling her in the first is all bullshit...and i am pissed off about it...

but there is nothing i can do about it anymore because though she asked me for my opinion she really didn't consider it and had already pretty much made up her mind...

the thing that frustrates me the most is that i feel abandoned (yet again) by someone i obviously she will still hang out with me (or so she says she will) so she didn't really abandon me she just chose not to live with me...but it feels like i have been abandoned...

I am probably crazy for thinking that way...but