June 26, 2009

so...

i keep trying to start a post but then fail to finish it when i get caught up in the wonderful world of the interwebs...lol...but i am going to finish it this time...


update...

i am gone on a family road trip around the us...partly for my cousin's wedding(which was in the same state i go to college in)...which i was a bridesmaid for and which went very well...but it was a busy busy few days preparing for the wedding and such....the actual wedding day went something like this
5:00am - get up and pack up to go to the church and get hair done...
5:30am - actually leave the house to head to church...
6:00am - arrive at church...
6-9am - all the bridesmaids and the bride get their hair done...
9:00am - wedding pictures...
10:00am - actual wedding service
after the service off to the next town for some more pictures...and to the lake for some pictures on the beach...
after those pictures to the place where the reception was held...and we were VERY late because all the roads were blocked by fallen trees because of a huge storm the night before...
anyways...it was a very busy day...as well as the days before it...and after too...



after that we hung out for a couple of days in the area...and then went to the northern part of the state where the wedding was along with some family and camped with them for a few days...now we are even further north in that state just camping with my family...truthfully i am ready to be done with the vacation...






ok...now a little update about how I am actually doing...i haven't cut...though have been tempted...and i did bring my razors because there is a certain comfort of just having them with me...just knowing i could cut calms me down sometimes...

i have been missing my friend who moved to israel quite a bit...but i try to push that from my mind usually...i just don't want to deal with it...


ok that's it for now...off to bed...

Emmy R.

June 12, 2009

saying goodbye...

today i said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world...
and I quite possibly won't see her for 3 years...
we both hope that at some point i will be able to go out to Israel and stay for a little while or she will be out by my college (she is originally from around there and her family still lives there)....but who knows....augh...i hate this...

another thing...i am a failure...a complete and utter failure...

i had a great chance to tell laura about the self harm...but i chickened out...

at first it was just really weird because we went shopping together and just were sort of hanging out and walking around the store and picking up some last minute things that she needs before her trip...and it just wasn't really a time or place where i could bring it up...i mean i didn't really want to talk about it in front of a whole bunch of people...and right after that she needed to drop me off back at home so she could get some more stuff done with other people...i kept on telling myself that i just needed to get it done with and say something to her on the car ride home...but it still didn't feel like the right time...so basically i screwed up and didn't tell her...i am just so disappointed in myself...i almost want to cut...but i won't...i just won't...i'll have even more reason to hate myself if i let myself back into that habit...




I had e-mailed my RA to say hi and see how she is doing and she e-mailed me back to say that her grandmother had passed away and that she has been really busy with that and she asked me how i was doing...i told her that i was doing good but not looking forward to the next day (today) because i had to say goodbye to laura...she told me that if i needed to talk then i could call her and she would listen...but i don't think i will...even if things are bad...i mean i hope i will...but i just don't know...AUGH!!!...

I am really worried about what i would do if i were to mess up...previously i would have covered it up with a jacket or long sleeves...in high school i always wore a sweatshirt...even during the hottest months...now i have worn a jacket like once in the past month...if i were to start wearing a jacket all of a sudden...well...it would be suspicous...anyways...i just don't feel like talking about that anymore right now...





oh i have one other thing i wanted to mention...i hung out with my friend paige's little sister the other day...it was really great...i always come away from when we hang out really refreshed...we had fun getting lunch and walking around the mall together...it is really nice being with her because even if we don't talk about paige we both still share the fact that we knew and loved her...and it is great to be around someone that also shares those burdens and that pain with me...




ok wait...i have one more thing...then bed...i have this tv show that i am like absolutely in love with called degrassi: the next generation....basically it is a soap opera sort of thing (only not quite so dramatic) made for teens...anyways...that tv show came from a tv show made in the 80's which was an after school program for kids which talked about issues that kids their age faced...it started as "Degrassi Junior High" then became "Degrassi High" and then later then created "Degrassi: the Next Generation" which is what it is now....and it still talks about issues that many people face now and in a realistic way...The reason i am really fond of this show is because it is one of the things in my life that really helped me realize my self-harm was an issue...one of the characters, Ellie Nash, starts cutting to deal with her mom's drinking....and basically she ends up getting caught and starts to deal with the cutting and the stuff behind the cutting...so ya...the reason i brought this up is because i have just started watching all the episodes of "Degrassi Junior High"...it is pretty cool because you get to see some of the adult characters in Degrassi: TNG and how they were as kids in Degrassi Junior High....anyways...i have really got to get to bed now....


Emmy R.

June 11, 2009

not sure...

I don't know if I can handle this
i really am not sure...
my best friend is moving away
and I won't see her for like three years
i am crying
and feeling stressed out
i feel like i am losing control
i really want to cut
it has always made things "better"
but i know that the
"better"
only seems better at the time...
and in the end is much worse
reminding myself of that
works for now
...for now...










I am hanging out with Laura as much as possible tomorrow since that is the last time i will see her for about three years. I am scared because I just don't want to have to deal with this...i just know that tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day and i HATE crying in front of people...actually i hate crying in general...anyways...as you might have guessed....i still haven't talked to Laura about the cutting...i definitely really want to but i just haven't gotten the chance...i think i am going to tell her first thing tomorrow....so that afterwards we can just hang out and it will have been done with...i am going to write out a practice conversation below...for some reason that always helps me get my thoughts straight...


*i get to her house and we exchange greetings and talk for a little bit, eventually the conversation dies down and we are just chilling*
E: Laura?
L: Ya
E: I have something I want to talk to you about...
L: What is it?
E: Do you remember at serve when i started talking to you about "it"
L: yes i remember...
E: well i have something i want to talk to you about about that...
L: ok...
E: First, I want to tell you what "it" is...Laura, i'm a cutter...I know you might think it is weird that i am bringing this up right before I won't see you for several years...but I really wanted to have a conversation about this...
L: *hugs* I am glad you felt comfortable with sharing that with me...
E: I am glad I did too. I want to tell you something else too...I started seeing a counselor at calvin and I am going to continue again next year...



gah...ok this conversation sucks and is really really fake and unrealistic...and it is actually stressing me out more than i was before...so i am stopping it...hopefully the conversation will happen...i really do want to have this conversation tomorrow though...if i do you will be hearing about it...







Another thing...i leave on friday for a family vacation...we are going to the state where my cousin lives (also the state my college is in...) and i am in her wedding and then we are heading back home and meandering our way accross the US in a van and a trailer....fun stuff....

i know most of my posts have been lame lately...and they will probably continue to be so...especially when i am on vacation with little siblings looking over my shoulder all the time...




that's it for now...
Emmy R.

June 5, 2009

Pictures with my new camera...

rusty old trailer hitch from a trailer we used when I was younger...
Slide I played on as a kid in my backyard
pretty flowers from a bush in my backyard...



a kitten my mom got, her name is diamond
another kitten my mom got...his name is copper...






ok...that is all...time for bed...


Emmy R.

June 4, 2009

CAMERA!!!

just got my beautiful Canon EOS Rebel XS today...*sigh* i have had a bit of fun today trying to figure out how to work it (there are SO many settings...)

I would like to name it...but I am not sure what I should name it...and I am not sure if it is a boy or a girl...so maybe a unisex name...like taylor or something...

anyways...i walked around the house today and the yard finding random pictures to take...so much fun!!!

I am going to put them up tonight yet I think...or perhaps tomorrow...

Emmy R.
Just about to head to bed but I wanted to put up an update about today...and tomorrow...

I brought lunch to school for my sisters today...it was fun to be back on campus and to not have to wear uniforms there (: (I went to a private christian CRC affiliated school [From K-12] where we had to wear nasty little uniforms [though the uniforms were only started my 8th grade year...and at that point the whole school got them...]...ugh...horrible)

Anyways...after that I went to WalMart and was looking at Digital SLR camera cases...not much to see there...but i stopped and bought a few cans of chef boyardee, some applesauce and some dog food for a homeless guy I saw on my way to the store...when I got out though he wasn't there and I couldn't find him...

After that I went and picked up my friend and brought her to our highschool so she could show her son off...(and btw...she went to the doctor's again and it turns out that she had a miscarriage of the baby she had just found out she was pregnant with...but the test was positive because she had been pregnant and she still had the hormones in her...) ...so we hung out at school and then I brought her back home and then headed home myself...

On the way home I saw that same homeless guy again so I was able to give him the food and dog food...that was good...

Then I went out to eat with my family and babysat for a family that I have babysat for a TON in the past...

Then I came home and have been wasting my life in front of my computer...LOL...





Tomorrow (well actually today since it is after 2am)....I am sleeping in till whenever i decide to wake up and then going to chill around the house until my sister gets done with school...then I will be going to Best Buy with her and my dad for her to get her Laptop (gradation present) and me to get my camera (birthday present/I am paying for part of it). I don't remember if I talked about the camera I am getting in any previous posts but here is what I am getting...It is a Canon Rebel xs with an 18-55mm lens...see the pics...



so ya...I am super excited about that...but for now...to bed...I will post pictures of my camera (or at least taken with it) soon...

Oh and one other thing....I really think I want to name my camera...any suggestions?


Emmy R.

June 3, 2009

I am sitting on the computer and filling out some random survey where you put all your music on shuffle through iTunes or Windows Media Player and then answer the questions using each song that you shuffle through....

I just answered the question "What is your worst fear?" with the song Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day....

oddly that makes perfect sense...and it actually fits with how I am feeling right now...well only sort of though...




I went to the psychiatrist the other day and they upped my ADD meds...I thought that they were making me more anxious but my doctor said that it was probably because I was under medicated....



I hung out with my friend today...it was nice...I babysat her adorable daughter first for a few hours and then she came home and we hung out for a little bit...but I didn't talk to her about it yet...hopefully we can actually go get coffee or something so that we can get a chance to have a better conversation...

well we'll see...

later...

Emmy R.

June 2, 2009

"Ignorance isn't bliss - it's ugly"

I just saw this picture on flickr and I decided I needed to share it....but I am going to bed now....it's almost midnight now and I am getting up at around 6:30am ish...

Emmy R.

Today (6/1):

I hung out with my best friend and helped her pack for her move to Israel...

I went shopping

I tried to help heal a broken heart...a friend called this afternoon and told me her boyfriend had broken up with her...which is really bad since she has a 3 month old little boy with this guy...and then accompanied her to the doctor because she needed to check out some things to do with the IUD she had put in (IUD=Intra-Uterine Device...a form of birth control) which led to the doctor asking her to take a pregnancy test and thus finding out that she is about a month along with her second child...same dad...

I came home and sat in my room trying to distract myself from everything and watched some movies online...

writing this blog...(:




Tomorrow (6/2):

babysitting one of the cutest little girls in the world (who happens to be the daughter of my best friend, so i might just be a little bias...)

hanging out with my best friend after for a little while...

possibly bringing up a very important conversation with said best friend (i.e. talking about my issues with SI)



















Song I heard...and liked...

listen to it here
http://www.myspace.com/mollyjenson

it is called "Do You Only Love the Ones"

Lyrics (I could only find lyrics with guitar chords too...and I am lame and tired to I am just copying and pasting them here...and not deleting the chords...):
Intro is just going back between C & F

C F
Where’s your heart?
C F
Where’s this love you talk about
C F Dm G
Did someone hold a gun
C F
To your head
C F
Who’s that girl you laugh about?
C F Dm G
Did a feeling do you wrong
Dm G
You’ve been gone to long

Em Am
Did you love her?
Em Am
Did you leave her cold
Em Dm G
Did you see her through?
Dm G
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?

C F
C F
Where are you now?
C F
Are you afraid of being found?
C F Dm G*
See I’m alone when you’re around
C F
Silly girl,
C F
What can you see from way up there?
C F Dm G
Is that the world in devil’s clothes?
Dm G
Looking down your nose

Em Am
Are you lonely?
Em Am
Are my scars too deep?
Em Dm G
Do you have them too?
Dm G*
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?

C F
C F
Listen, love
C F
To a melody for you
C F Dm G
Would it change your point of view
Dm G
Or do you only love the ones who sing your tune?
Dm G*
Or do you only love the ones who look like you?



















That's all for now...i will let you know what happens as far as the conversation I want to have tomorrow...

Emmy R.

June 1, 2009

recently...

I have been getting really really lazy with posting blogs and such since right before exams and such...but here is an update...

I have been home for about a week and a half and I am still enjoying it! It is quite weird though because I am beginning to realize how much I have changed since this time last year. I guess it is probably because I am putting myself back into an old situation...anyways...

I just had my 19th birthday! (: yay for being able to legally drink in Canada...hahaha....

I just was checking out the PostSecret blog and found a secret that I totally could relate to.
Postsecret - TWLOHA
twloha.com

It made me remember one specific time where I was at the grocery store with my friends picking up a few things and I needed to buy and one of the things I needed to get was Band Aids because I was running out. I head over to the area where the band aids and such are and I am looking at the boxes trying to find one that is hypo-allergenic and latex free (i think I have a slight latex allergy or an allergy to the glue on the band aids) band aid. Anyways, I am sitting there picking out some band aids and my friend comes over and says, "Gosh, how do you go through band aids so fast, what are you, a cutter?" I stopped and looked at her and couldn't come up with a response. She sort of started to chuckle and then i did too because I had no clue what the heck to do. Normally I would make some sort of comment about how they shouldn't make fun of that sort of thing because it is a serious issue, but since at that point I had quite a few healing cuts on my arm I just didn't know what to say...so i chickened out...this was back in late January/February-ish when I had the huge backslide.

Anyways, on a happier note I get to see my friend Laura tomorrow, I am going to her house to help her pack for her move to Israel and we are just going to hang out...I am not sure how much we will be able to hang out over the next while but it will hopefully be a lot since she leaves on the 15th for Israel and then I will likely not see her for about 2 years. Anyways, I am not sure if I want to try to talk to her about the whole self-harm thing right away or if I want to wait for a little bit so we can just hang out first or something...

Oh and I have another little tidbit to share...I just found out that I am actually not 100% Dutch...I actually have a little bit of Jewish in me...I guess somewhere why back in my family line one of my great great great great great great great grandpas married a Jewish girl. Another thing I found interesting was that my family was actually a royal family until he married the Jewish girl and then he got like taken out of the family line or something...

anyways...time for bed! I have a lot to do tomorrow...well not really but I am getting up rather early...so to bed I go...

Emmy R.