November 8, 2011

I wanted to give a quick update on meds as well. I saw a doctor out by my college because my anxiety has been particularly bad. She put me on Zoloft for my anxiety, which is technically an antidepressant, but also can help with anxiety. So hopefully that will help. She told me that I can still take my buspar as needed when the anxiety is bad, and I still have been taking that the same amount as before, but the Zoloft is supposed to take 4-6 weeks to kick in...

Gotta go!

Emmy R.

Dream...and a little bit of past and present...

I had a crazy dream this morning, just before I woke up. Somehow my mom had found out about my self-harm. Someone had told her about it. I only remember freaking out and bawling (which is crazy because I quite literally never cry), feeling so out of control. I was at my aunt's house and I ran down the hallway and into the bathroom She sent my sister after me and made her go into the bathroom with me. My sister was supposed to make sure I didn't cut myself. I wasn't planning on cutting myself, I just needed to be alone and they couldn't/wouldn't give me that.

It was horrible. I think the reason that I don't really tell anyone is because of the fact that I worry that they will freak out and think that I am going to cut myself all the time. The reaction of my mom in my dream is probably my second best guess as to how she would react, the way I could really see her reacting is by pretending the conversation never happened.

I think I wrote about that before. I don't remember though. My mom tends to react to hard situation by pretending that they don't exist. For example, when I tried to tell her that my best friend was doing drugs in middle school she told me my friend was probably lying to me and to just go to sleep. This is the reaction I would actually probably expect. However in high school when they (my parents) almost, sort-of-kind-of, found out via the school counselor and computer tech guys at school (long story short, I was posting on one of my blogs at school, and because of some research I was doing for a paper about eating disorders and pro-ana/mia websites it put up a red flag and they found my blog as well). Anyways, they took me out to get a smoothie and basically started yelling at me. That is why I could also see them to get into that place where they are angry at me and overreact.

Anywho, I need to start thinking about heading off to my internship now.

Oh wait, but I never told you that over the weekend I sort of told one of my friends about my self-harm, actually he sort of guessed. Yikes! I was a little bit tipsy and sort of lost my filter, whoops. Anyways, so now he knows, and I am mostly ok with that. I will add more detail at some point maybe if I decide to blog again soon.

Emmy R.

November 6, 2011

I love you and miss you.

Today makes 5 years since my best friend Paige passed away from her battle with cancer. When she died my heart was ripped apart. I have healed in many ways, but there will always be a part missing. I love you and miss you so much Paige! March 4, 1990-November 6, 2006

November 5, 2011

Transtheoretical Model of Change

Developed by James O. Prochaska at the University of Rhode Island and his colleagues in 1977. From what I can tell, it was first used with smoking cessation, and later used with other behaviors viewed as negative, and now it can be applied to many areas where a person might want to change things in their life.

What is the Transtheoretical Model of Change?

It is a way to outline how ready a person is to end a negative behavior in their lives.

  • Precontemplation – a stage where people are not planning on taking action to change things in their lives. Generally people are not aware that their behavior is a problem
    • Personal: I don’t know that I have been in this stage, I think for the most part I knew from the beginning that what I was doing was not ok, hence trying to hide it from the very beginning, however I wasn’t planning on taking any steps to change my actions.

  • Contemplation – a stage when people are sort of beginning to recognize that they have a problem, and that they need to change their behavior. The look at the pros and cons of continuing their behavior.
    • Precontemplation to contemplation.
      • Increasing knowledge about self and problem
      • Beginning to express feelings about your problem
      • Thinking about how your behavior impacts yourself and those around you
    • I think that this stage for me was when I was a sophomore in high school, or year 10. I was realizing that I had an issue and considering the possibility of change.

  • Preparation – a stage where people begin to have an intention to take action soon. May make some small steps.
    • Contemplation to Preparation
      • Thinking about yourself with regards to the behavior.
    • This was probably also during year 10. I made personal steps and sought out help from people who also struggled with self-harm via the internet.

  • Action – a stage where you make obvious changes in your life and positive change is visible.
    • Preparation to action
      • Thinking about freeing yourself from your behavior
      • Committing yourself to taking action steps
    • This was probably the summer after my sophomore year when I first made a step to ask for help with what I was doing. I talked to a youth leader and was not able to tell her everything, but I was seeking out help on a greater level than before.
    • I might still be in this stage, or between this stage and the next.

  • Maintenance – a stage where people are working on keeping from relapsing. A person could be in this stage for the rest of their lives.
    • Action to maintenance
      • Substituting thoughts, activities, places, people and things that could influence you to use the old behavior with new things
      • Having someone who can help keep you accountable
      • Remembering the positive benefits of change
    • I could be considered to be in this stage, but not always, because I have relapsed in the recent past, but I am also working towards not relapsing again.

  • Termination – This is a stage that some people add on to the model, where a person is no longer tempted to go back to their old behaviors. They are completely sure that they will not go back to their old way of coping.
    • I am not sure how this stage fits in to my life. I would love it if I could be here someday, but a large part of me wonders if this is even possible for me.

  • Relapse – some people also include relapse as a part of this model, it is not considered a “stage” but rather what happens when someone moves back to a previous stage.