February 20, 2011

Hello again.

I started writing in this blog a few years back because I wanted a place to be anonymous and to share my innermost feelings. I wanted to be faceless, sort of a cover to show how I felt. My real emotions came through this blog. Poems I wrote, the emotion spewing forth through my fingers as I was typing. Somehow though, the relief that I felt as I typed stopped coming as easily. Little by little the relief that this blog brought lessened. It brought me to this point, where I rarely come on here anymore, each time promising to write more regularly, apologizing for my absence to the empty ears of my nonexistent audience.

I miss the days where I could pour my emotions out on here and it was so easy, so simple. I could talk about my struggle with self-harm and know that only strangers will read it. I could be a nameless, faceless stranger.

I changed my mind the other day. I uploaded a photo of myself, it scares me to think that someone I know could come across this blog and see my photo and read my words. How would they react? What would they think? Would they realize that the truth is that I am a stranger, a stranger to everyone around me? Would they think this blog was fake? Would it be dismissed, a mere trifle that I exaggerated my emotions into?

I started recording videos for a YouTube account a while back. I really enjoy making the videos, another outlet for me to express myself, but somehow not quite as pure as the written word. . I have met some amazing people on YouTube. I feel like I am doing far more good there than I ever did on here. I have more subscribers than I ever thought possible when I first started out. I thought maybe one or two people would find my videos, but there have been so many more who find me, some subscribe, others just comment on my videos. Strangers who I get to know through their posted videos, countries or even continents separate us, but I feel closer to them than I do to almost anyone in my real life currently. I was even asked to join a collaboration channel, where hundreds upon hundreds of people subscribe and could possibly watch my videos. I feel like I am in a position to help people and that is what I want to be doing. The pain in my life that I have experienced, I don’t want it to be all for nothing. If I can help other people maybe that will be enough, maybe it will make the pain ok. I don’t really know.

Right now I am struggling; I feel depression looming over me, most of the time I hardly make it through the school day. After I am done with school and work I come back to my room and fiddle around on the internet for the rest of the afternoon, hardly caring enough to glance at my homework and doing the bare minimum to get a passing grade.

I feel like a failure. I sit in my room all day by myself doing mostly nothing. I close the door so I don’t have to face the laughter and good times that might ring down the hall towards me from the other rooms. I hate myself for where I am. I walk around campus, rarely smiling, feeling alone. I hardly care enough to try to find some people to hang out with. Most weekends I spend cooped up in my room, by myself, watching reruns of Law and Order. I wish I felt some purpose to my life, I mean I know what I want to do in the future, but what should I do now? How can I have purpose in my life now? I feel alone and sad.

This might seem stupid, but it frustrates me that everyone around me has a “significant other” all my friendships change because people start dating and then care more about spending time with their new beau than about any old friends. Of course I sit here on the other side of things completely alone, with no dating prospects. I haven’t ever had any dating prospects. Then my mind follows some sort of deranged logic that leads me to what seems to be the fact of my lack of value. People have no interest in spending time with me, what does that say about me as a person? Guys have never given me a second glance, how should I understand my value from that? Long ago, I accepted the fact that I would likely never marry. I might say to my friends that I just have too much personality for most guys, but the truth is that guys just flat out are not interested. But like I said, I have accepted that. I will grow old, either alone or with my adopted or foster children, or even still living with my parents (my goodness I hope that last one doesn’t happen, I mean I love my parents, but I don’t want to live with them forever). I am resigned to this fact, and for the most part I am ok with it. I wish I had a friend though, someone I could trust to fill in that gap, the loneliness that is all consuming, someone who needs me as much as I need them. All of my friends have someone else, another friend group, or just SOMEONE, who they can go to besides me. No one needs me.

This blog is getting far, far too long, so I am going to end it soon. I suppose I will end with this, I don’t know where I am going right now. I wish I had something in particular to look forward to, but I cannot seem to find it right this second. I hate this feeling of being at rock bottom. I want to go back to counseling I think, make a new appointment with the counseling center on campus, but I worry myself too much about it. I have been before, and it doesn’t seem to help, but I just don’t know what else to do. I think I am depressed. I hate to use that word, it seems so cliché, but I just don’t know what else to call it.

Anyways, I am out of here. Hopefully I will be back soon with another post, sorry for leaving you guys hanging (that is if anyone really reads these) so long between posts.

Emmy R.

No comments: