November 8, 2011

Dream...and a little bit of past and present...

I had a crazy dream this morning, just before I woke up. Somehow my mom had found out about my self-harm. Someone had told her about it. I only remember freaking out and bawling (which is crazy because I quite literally never cry), feeling so out of control. I was at my aunt's house and I ran down the hallway and into the bathroom She sent my sister after me and made her go into the bathroom with me. My sister was supposed to make sure I didn't cut myself. I wasn't planning on cutting myself, I just needed to be alone and they couldn't/wouldn't give me that.

It was horrible. I think the reason that I don't really tell anyone is because of the fact that I worry that they will freak out and think that I am going to cut myself all the time. The reaction of my mom in my dream is probably my second best guess as to how she would react, the way I could really see her reacting is by pretending the conversation never happened.

I think I wrote about that before. I don't remember though. My mom tends to react to hard situation by pretending that they don't exist. For example, when I tried to tell her that my best friend was doing drugs in middle school she told me my friend was probably lying to me and to just go to sleep. This is the reaction I would actually probably expect. However in high school when they (my parents) almost, sort-of-kind-of, found out via the school counselor and computer tech guys at school (long story short, I was posting on one of my blogs at school, and because of some research I was doing for a paper about eating disorders and pro-ana/mia websites it put up a red flag and they found my blog as well). Anyways, they took me out to get a smoothie and basically started yelling at me. That is why I could also see them to get into that place where they are angry at me and overreact.

Anywho, I need to start thinking about heading off to my internship now.

Oh wait, but I never told you that over the weekend I sort of told one of my friends about my self-harm, actually he sort of guessed. Yikes! I was a little bit tipsy and sort of lost my filter, whoops. Anyways, so now he knows, and I am mostly ok with that. I will add more detail at some point maybe if I decide to blog again soon.

Emmy R.

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