Rampant Emotion

Rampant emotion
Completely out of control
Unstoppable, it seems to be
Running unchecked
Through my soul
Causing extensive damage
Irreparable, it might seem
In a wild storm,
Damaging everything
Rampant emotion

Friends

Friends
Where are they

Are they found in the
Fake
Surface relationships
Of the people
We randomly meet

Are they found in the
Random
People
That attend
The same school as us

Are they found in the
People
Who we
Sometimes call
Our friends

Are they found in the
People



I never finished this poem...and I have no clue where to go from here...

Wishing

*note to readers*
This poem was written during part of the healing process from the SI. I kind of wrote about my pattern and what I would do. Some of this is exactly what I did while some of it comes from friends stories.
*end note to readers*

The razor blade
Slides
With a will of its own
The skin
Separates
Slowly
The blood
Bubbles
Through the space
Then
Trickles
Down my arm

I watch
But it is not my arm
You see
It’s not mine,
Not until the pain comes

Then
Then the arm becomes mine
And I realize what I have done
The blood flows
I quickly grab some
Toilet paper
And press it against my skin
The toilet paper turns red with my blood
But I am alive
I know this…
I know this because
Dead people don’t bleed
The bleeding slows
I remove the toilet paper
I begin cleaning the wound
I’ve done this nearly every time
I’m no even sure for how long

Good it’s clean
Now for the gauze and tape
And on top of that the wristband
No one will ever know
…sigh…
Now there is relief
All I have to do is press on it
Ouch
But dead people don’t feel pain
And that is all I need to know
--for now

A Rant

I am so confused…
A friend telling me things
That I am not sure if I want to know
She comes to school stoned
And tells me about the
Bowls (of pot)
That she smokes
And the
Boats (of ecstasy)
That are going to be at the party
Then she tells me
About a prank she is going to pull
She says she is going to tell this guy
That she is pregnant with his kid
And just use it to play a practical joke
And then she
Mentions
That she was pregnant
And had a miscarriage
And then…
She says she’s been pregnant
THREE
Times
What do I believe?
I just don’t know…
I am so confused
How do I deal with a friend like this?
I just don’t know…
Is she making it up?
Or telling the truth
Why did she never tell me about the miscarriages before?
Why?
And I don’t know what to do
Because I really care about her
And I don’t want to see her doing these things
But I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to stop her
Tears come to my eyes
As I think about her
The things
That she’s gone through
(If she’s telling the truth)


A scary thing
Is that sometimes I want to join her
I want to…
Be with her at these parties
I want to smoke a joint with her
Just once…
I want to know how it makes me feel
I want to know why she does these things
I want to be able to understand where she’s coming from
But at the same time I don’t ever want to do what she’s doing

I am so confused
And I will say it again
I am so confused
I am so confused
I am so…
And you’ve probably heard it enough
But it’s the truth
I don’t know how to deal with this
I don’t understand
Why she feels the need to do these things
(I couldn’t with *name ommited for privacy* either)
At least I know now
What she’s doing
And can understand
The physical part of it
But I have no clue
What’s going on in her mind
I just don’t understand
And I wish I could
Even just a little bit

And I wonder if it’s possible
To know
Even though I don’t
Truly understand
I’ve never been in her place
Never had someone
Hurt me
In such a horrible way
But if I had
Would I choose to try
To block all those memories out
And fill my life with
Meaningless things
To push those horrible memories
Out of my head

But for now I am stuck
Not knowing
Not understanding
And remaining confused

So maybe I will talk to some people
Maybe I will get some advice
From *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Or *name ommited for privacy*
Maybe they will be able to help me
Understand


As of now
I feel
numb
And absolutely
bewildered






some changes May 5, 2008

Ode to a Water Bottle

*note to readers*
This one was written during the beginning of my senior year of high school and I don't have an exact date but I have given an approximate date as to when it was written.
*end note to readers*


I look at you
You’re only half full
And what I want to do
Is sit here and mull
Over why you must be
Not full to the top
But halfway empty
And so I sit
And I think
And I think
Then I open the lid
And take a drink
“Oh my”
Says I
When I’ve taken a drink
For it tasted like nothing
Or so I did think
There was no taste of
Apple, cinnamon, or pear
I set the bottle down
And before I put the lid back on top
With my nose I did smell
But alas
I found there
No smell at all
No smell like anything
Not like pie or cookies
So then I decided
That even without
A smell or a taste
I will say
That I still enjoy water

They Piss Me Off

They piss me off
Why can’t they let him
Be just who he is
Why do they need to
Pick over his faults
And always put him down
It makes me so mad that
They just can’t let him alone
If they aren’t big enough
To accept him as he is
Why are they my friends
What’s so different about me
That they can accept me but not him
Why are their minds so unaccepting
What do I have that he doesn’t
Why me and not him
He came here to a Christian school
Expecting nicer kids
Ones who wouldn’t hurl hurtful words to his face
But at this Christian school kids aren’t so
Christian-like
They hurl words aimed to hurt
These words they use

Retrospect

The thousand things
I wish I’d said
Go running across my mind
They all come to me in retrospect