March 20, 2009

memories...and a poem/rant thing...

lately I have been reminded of my friend who passed away my junior year of high school a lot. I loved her so much! I really don't know why I am posting this here...but I really want to just talk to someone, to have a deep talk with someone...being reminded of her is really screwing with my emotions and I just really want to cry right now...I want to just sit in a corner and bawl. another part of me wants to talk to someone...but who wants to hear some whiny college freshman talk about her friend who passed away almost 2 1/2 years ago? the answer is no one. I don't really know what I should do. I think I maybe want to go talk to the councelors at my school's counceling place on campus but since there is no class next week for spring break I won't be able to talk to them until I get back. *sigh* I really don't know what to do. I guess I am just going to talk about her here since that seems to be my only option at this point (not that I don't love this blog)...here goes my little poem/rant thing...


your memory haunting me
your face flashing in front of my eyes
your voice quoting napoleon dynamite
plays inside my head.
it's been so long
why do I still remember you like this
why do I picture your face
every time someone mentions cancer?
I love you
I loved you
but you were taken from me
by the god I am told loves me
why did he do that?
how loving can he really be?
How could he let someone
as amazing as you die?
how could he love someone
as horrible as me?
someone who cuts her body
to deal with
pain
anger
frustration
grief
how can he love someone
who purposefully desecrates
the sacred temple of her body?
someone who cant even love herself?
there can only be one answer...
he can't...
he can't...
he can't...




I am also feeling very homesick currently...I wish I could be with my family and friends instead of here where i feel so alone...



Oh a happier note spring break is this coming week. I am going to be spending the week at my friend's house...hopefully it will be a nice little distraction from life in general...except for the fact that I have a butload of stuff to get done over the break...oh well...




Emmy R.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Who wants to hear some whiny college freshman talk about her friend who passed away almost 2 1/2 years ago?"

Emmy! If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times: It's perfectly obvious that you are just so uber nice! As I've also said before, I know I only know you via your occasional musings on your blog, but I can't imagine there is anyone in this world who could dislike someone as nice as you, or who wouldn't want to help you if they could.

YES! GO TALK TO YOUR COUNSELLORS! That's an order! Did you ever talk to your RA about your cutting? I still can't believe that your RA would have to tell your RD about your cutting... That does indeed make it a tough call for you to make, and I don't feel able to offer any advice.

I really don't like it that you feel alone with your problems, I don't like it that you've got no one around you who you can talk to. Emmy, you must agree with me that university is meant to be a great time during your life. It wasn't for me, my time at university made my already-difficult life impossible, and that's why it makes me so sad when I read your blog. You have got to find someone to talk to. It's not fair that you should be alone with all this. You have a right to expect love and support from those around you:

"I really trust my RA and I think she is an amazing person, but I don't really want to dump on her."

I quoted this because I don't want you to worry about dumping on people. There is no risk of you becoming a simply burden of problems for someone else to shoulder. You've got your friends, a social life, hopes for the future, a caring family, you've got your church... In short, you have a full, rounded life. Seriously, do NOT worry about becoming a 'dumper', no normal person would see you this way, you've got too much going for you. If you're not convinced by what I'm saying, you could perhaps try and find different friends or whatever to talk about different problems with. One person could be your "I'm feeling sad about my friend who died" person, another could be "I'm self-harming" person. That way no single person is dealing with all of your sadness. To be honest, I don't even think that's necessary to worry about, for the reasons I gave before: you are a really nice girl with a well-rounded life. If you were my friend I wouldn't be worried about you telling me about all these things.

If I can talk about myself for a moment (and you know how I like to do that), I did indeed worry about dumping on others because I am not like you in important respects: I didn't have a social life; I didn't have any friends; I wasn't going out; I wasn't studying or working. In short, my life was completely empty, and that's why I chose not to burden family and handful of acquaintances with my issues. I'm not even saying that my choice was the right one; a lot of my choices are made in the light of btter personal experience. I know what it's like to have someone 'use' me and refuse to involve other people even when it was clear that I wasn't coping with being their one and only support, essentially the only thing keeping them alive. That simply is NOT the case with you, there is no risk at all of one person being forced to keep you alive, you've got too many other people in your life for that to ever happen.

And so I really must insist that your situation is not like mine (or my suicidally depressed friend's), I mean at least in this respect. Of course I don't want to imply that this makes your problems any less deep-seated, it doesn't make them any easier to cope with or to sort through, but it does mean you can share your problems with others without worrying about dumping on them.

That's my two cents. You are such a nice girl, please don't let anything I've perhaps said dissuade you from getting the support and love that you need, the love and support that you deserve!

As I said at the start, it makes me very sad to read that you are feeling so sad and alone. Please reach out to the people around you who love you and care for you. You have the RIGHT to their support.

...

OK I've hashed and re-hashed that enough! I'm still not happy with it, but I'll just say that I hope that it came across OK. It's hard when you're just typing stuff out... I'm sorry if anything I wrote came across 'preachily' (that isn't even a word. OH HAHA!! THAT IS ACTUALLY A WORD! dictionary.com says so xD) or like I'm talking down to you as a teenager; I just don't want you to continue being isolated like you are at the moment - cos you shouldn't be!

Oh, it'd be good for you to try and nail down WHY you self-harm. You said before that you weren't sure why you'd started up again. There's something which is not dealt with (aren't I good at stating the obvious?) and it's important you find out what it is.

All of my best wishes from sunny England!

Emmy R. said...

Thanks for what you said...seriously! Your comments always make me feel better...

To start with I think I am going to go to the councelors at my school. I have been before though and it wasn't really the best experience. I met with this guy who basically, after the second time I went, he told me that he didn't think I needed to come anymore that I was ok. That kind of made me not want to go any more...Now I think I want to go but I want to talk to someone else (preferably a female, since the last person was a male and I think I will just feel more comfortable talking to a female...)

I did talk to my RA about the self-harm because one night near the middle of last semester I was really struggling (this was before I had messed up which was early this semester and still currently, though not for about a week...) and I went to her room and I just really needed to sit somewhere so I wasn't in my room alone so I sat in her room and watched a movie with her. She could tell that something was up, probably since I was like crouched into the fetal position clutching a pillow, and she asked me if I was ok or if I needed to talk...I told her I didn't want to talk. a few days later I thanked her for letting me stay there and told her that I would like to tell her why I needed to be in her room. then I told her...she seemed understanding...but I just don't know if I am willing to bring it back up...perhaps if she asks me about how I am doing with it I will tell her. She has asked in the past so perhaps she will ask again...we'll see...

The reason why she would have to tell him is just because she can't be responsible for something like that...something about the confidentiality laws...I am not exactly sure...but he already knows about my struggle because he was my teacher in an intro class that all freshman have to take and I mentioned it in a paper I wrote. The only thing that I am worried about is him knowing I still am struggling...which is the same thing I worry about with telling my RA...I just don't like purposefully showing people my weaknesses...if that makes sense...

I do agree with you that university is supposed to be a great time in my life...but so far it just hasn't been that...I have yet to even find a good friend. I have a hard time making friends and I tend to get taken advantage of because I trust too much and too fast. *shrugs*

again I want to thank you for being so kind to me and for giving me such great advice and for just "listening" to me...

Emmy R.

Anonymous said...

"I met with this guy who basically, after the second time I went, he told me that he didn't think I needed to come anymore that I was ok."
Hahaha! Unbelievable! No wonder you're hesitant about counselling! Was similar with my uni psychiatrist when I tried to get him to help my friend; I mean, he was like some kind of Nazi. If you weren't suicidal before you saw him, you were afterwards. And I agree, find a female counsellor. My one-on-one psycho time has always been with a bloke, I felt much more comfortable with that.

"I have yet to even find a good friend. I have a hard time making friends and I tend to get taken advantage of..."
What is it with nice people? They always seem to get the rawest deal. You can't imagine my disbelief that you find it hard to make friends. How is that possible?

Anyway, so you say that the problem is not that your RA/RD don't know you did it, but that they don't know you are still doing it... "I just don't like purposefully showing people my weaknesses...if that makes sense..."

That does indeed make sense, but if that really is the only reason for your not telling them - that you just don't want to seem 'weak', as you put it - I think you've got to just swallow the nasty-tasting medicine.

...

I was going to type out some more stuff, but it's clear to me at last (I've finally realised it, takes me a while to grasp things sometimes!) that I don't think I know you or your situation well enough to offer anything useful in terms of advice. At best I can only state the obvious to you, things that you'll already know for yourself. But I assure you all my kind words are heartfelt, I'm not just trying to cheer poor, diddums Emmy. It makes me sad to read that a nice girl like you is finding things so tough.

I wish for a problem-free, fantasy scenario where you tell your RA/RD about your ongoing self-harm; you talk it through with them and they support you and you never self-harm again; your doubts about God are all magically vanished away by Jesus himself appearing to you in person and explaining things to you; you go on holiday - sorry, you go on vacation *spit* to the Netherlands and meet a Dutch guy; you marry and have twenty kids and then you live happily ever after; and then you go to Heaven where everyone wears orange klompen and makes little boats out of klompen and puts zeiltjes in them and sings songs about them and... KLOMPEN!!! Why's life so tough, why can't we all just wear klompen and be happy?

OK, enough rambling nonsense from me. I've got hours of lifting pieces of metal up and down ahead of me.

I HATE LIFTING WEIGHTS! IT'S BORING!

Emmy R. said...

"I wish for a problem-free, fantasy scenario where you tell your RA/RD about your ongoing self-harm; you talk it through with them and they support you and you never self-harm again; your doubts about God are all magically vanished away by Jesus himself appearing to you in person and explaining things to you; you go on holiday - sorry, you go on vacation *spit* to the Netherlands and meet a Dutch guy; you marry and have twenty kids and then you live happily ever after; and then you go to Heaven where everyone wears orange klompen and makes little boats out of klompen and puts zeiltjes in them and sings songs about them and... KLOMPEN!!! Why's life so tough, why can't we all just wear klompen and be happy?"

this just made my day!...(: thanks!