April 2, 2009

Time for an update:

Spring break was last week and I am going to share something that I wrote on the car ride to the friend's house while riding in the back seat of her mom's car. It is a really short little thing and just some random thoughts that were going through my mind at the time which I "wrote" in my phone so I could put it on here...

"Sitting in the back seat. I am hearing them sing praise songs to the god they believe in and as loud as they can. They seem to really love him. I wonder how they can love him so much. I just don't understand..."

So ya...not much...but as for a little more of an update...

I went to my friend's house for spring break and the week was pretty good. It is wierd though how much you learn about a person by seeing how they interact with their family and friends. My friend, who I would have previously described as introverted and meek, showed me how little I really know about her. My friend is an only child and lives with just her mom, her dad passed away when she was nine. Her relationship with her mom was not at all what I would have expected. I knew that they were really close because of phone conversations I had overheard and what she said about their relationship. I didn't expect what I got though. Her simple and fairly introverted and meek personality was turned inside out. She was using every cuss word in the book and was very disrespectful to her mom and aunt and uncle (her aunt and uncle live with her and her mom). She even called her mom a bitch. The way she said it was in a joking way but it was still very weird to hear that come out of her mouth. My opinion of her and my relationship with her and my understanding of who she is has changed drastically!

At the end of spring break (we had to leave early from my friend's house because of weather conditions for her mom driving back home) I stayed at my cousin's house. It was good to see her but I also realized a little the ways I have changed since being at college and also the ways she has changed since she left for college. My cousin is five years older than me and went to the same college I am currently attending. My whole family is pretty conservative but it seems to me that my cousin has gone over the deep end as far as conservative goes. We got into a HUGE argument about the roles of men and women in relationships. She was saying that a man should be the head of the household and a woman should be submissive to him in everything. I do not believe the same thing and I told her so. I believe that marriage is an equal partnership that a man and woman enter into and that they should each play all roles especially the ones they are best suited for. Not every man is a great leader and not every woman a great with the childcare and household stuff. anyways we got into a huge debate because she said it is a SIN for a woman to be in the head of the household position. ugh... anyways my cousin also told me that being liberal is a sin which I also don't agree with. I am still a very conservative person but considerably less so that I was a few years ago. My cousin said that my family prays every day that I will not become a liberal...oh dear...LOL...



Ok...so what else is going on with me? The last blog I wrote I talked about how I was thinking about going to the counseling center at my college. I would still like to go but I sort of feel stupid for going. It is hard because I had a bad experience last time I went so I just don't really know if I want to risk the same bad experience again. I don't really know what I want to do. I think I would like to call and set up and appointment. I also would like to talk to my RA about some of the stuff that is going on...but I am not 100% sure I want to do that either. I don't want her to view my any differently. I hate being in a position where I can disappoint someone. I do not want to disappoint her and tell her that I slipped up and started self-harming again. (It has been about 2 weeks or so now since I last cut so I am doing pretty good currently.) But I also sort of do want to tell her so that someone knows. I am a very private person so it is hard for me to talk to other people about things going on in my life. (This blog is an exception because it is anonymous and no one knows who I am.)



One more thing currently going through my mind right now is possibly switching colleges. I haven't really told anyone about this yet. The college I am currently attending has a very hard academic program and my grades SUCK! I am currently majoring in Social Work and I would like to get into graduate school after college if possible but you need really good grades to get in. I wonder if I were to go to another college, perhaps even one with a better program for Social Work, if I could get better grades and then be more likely to get into graduate school. ugg...I just don't really know what to do. The college I am currently attending is pretty expensive because it is a private college so I am trying to think about after college too and how much debt I end up with.



Anyways...I should get to work on some homework...

Emmy R.

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