Gluttony...

I went to church today with my friend Amanda...it was the first time i had been back to church since college started in the beginning of September...

The sermon was on gluttony. The pastor talked about how gluttony is really just making a god of our stomach (through eating, drinking alcohol etc.). Eating or drinking out of weakness and eating or drinking to numb ourselves. He also mentioned that it could be anything, not just what we eat or drink, it could be, for example, shopping.

He said that gluttony is finding refuge in something "predictable". And it becomes a "god that does our bidding" in a way. It is something we can control, which has a benefit for ourselves. We can turn to eating, drinking or shopping and we know the result we will get, a sense of relief and solace from whatever is going on. While on the other hand if we turn to God and his word for solace there is no way we can predict what will happen or if anything will happen.

In a sense the eating, drinking or shopping becomes an idol. The idol is so much more manageable than God is. We can control, or at least we believe we can control, the idol, whereas we cannot control God. But in the end we, instead of controlling our idol, wind up controlled by it, controlled by our appetite or instinct.

This sort of hit me. I don't know if I believe in God, I was raised so I would, but as of now I just don't know. Even though I don't know where I stand as far as believing in God, somehow the basic message of what the pastor said spoke to me.

I have something in my own life that could be considered gluttony. I don't eat too much, I don't drink, I don't go shopping to deal with the crap going on in my life. I have an idol, and idol which I like to believe I can control. My idol is predictable, it gives me the sweet feeling of relief, and it works the same every time. My idol comforts me, helps me to forget the things in my life which I don't know how to deal with. I believe I can control my idol, I want to believe it does not control me. In this I am starting to realize I am wrong. I went so long without my idol, my gluttonous pleasure, but I gave in again. I gave in because I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my idol, my idol controls me.
I do not control my cutting, my cutting controls me.




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ok, that was sort of a weird realization I had today...not that I never really thought about the control my cutting has over me, but it really hit me today...
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and I wanted to share an update about my counseling appointments and just basically my life right now...

I have been meeting with the counselor at my school every Monday for the past few weeks and this past Monday we decided to make it every other week. The meetings have been good. It is sort of funny though because the lady I meet with has a Bachelors and Masters in Social Work (my major at college) and then her PhD in Psychology. I can recognize the way she asks questions and some of the questions she asks and the general format of the sessions from a Social Work Class I am taking right now about "Interviewing for Solutions". Anyways, the meetings have been going well I think. I have messed up since we have started the counseling but I am scared to tell her, I am scared to tell anyone. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it and know they would not freak out, and know they would not judge me. It scares me to show people that weakness, to let them see the part of me I try so hard to hide. But along with it scaring me, i think it would really take a burden off of me. but, at the same time, I don't want to take the burden off of me because that means putting it on someone else...
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I also want to share some lyrics and a video with the song, i don't know what the video is of but i just wanted to share the song and I didn't know how else to do it...

Bittersweet by Plumb
I've been carrying this old luggage
and its really been buggin' me
so when you called to see me
I couldn't believe it
could it really be
You need to feel forgiveness
I need to feel resentment
Running down the drain
This bruising chain I've carried
Is the pain that I'm burying today

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

The clock is always ticking
Bitterness grows by the minute
why can't we realize
the wounds that we're inflicting
on our own flesh
it isn't healing
by keeping love inside

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet

Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It pours through my skin
and lets you in
and we are free
Now I can breathe
and I feel grace rush over me
It runs through my veins
and what i taste
is Bittersweet
Bittersweet


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Emmy R.