Just remembered that i typed out this poem/word vomit thing the other day...so here you go...I think it is from almost a week or so ago...but that doesn't really matter...

Thoughts,
Questions
Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
Considering
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Counseling?
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
Insignificant
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
“Issues”
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?

Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…

Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)

Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…







now for my movie and then sleep...

Emmy R.

random-ish-ness

we got back home from vacation early this morning...so nice to be home...and to finally sleep in my own bed...

I just got done watching a movie about bulimia on youtube (I know it is lame that that is my friday night entertainment...) The movie is called "Sharing the Secret"...

It was a good movie...but sort of depressing...but invigorating at the same time...in some ways it made me want to give up...it made me think that the fight isn't worth it...but in other ways it made me want to stay strong and not cut...conflict within myself...

anyways...about to start another movie via youtube...Painful Secrets (aka Secret Cutting)...i've seen this one before and i really do love it. It is about a girl who cuts and her struggle and the path to healing...i really like this movie...but i am sort of frusturated because i can't get keepvid.com to work...(keepvid is a great site where you can download the videos from youtube...) I want to get all the parts to Painful Secrets and put them together and put them onto a DVD...



The agenda for tomorrow is that i will possibly go to the beach for a friend's sweet 16...otherwise i will hopefully going out and about...I want to get to the craft store and find some material for a sewing project i want to try...(i like to randomly make different clothing items...i want to make some kid's clothes...)



that's all for now...can't think of much to write...i wanted to write a poem...but i am too tired now...so off to bed...

Emmy R.

Post Secret

just checked out this week's post secrets...amazing! i love it! (http://postsecret.blogspot.com/) anyways...i liked this secret...and many of the other ones...

i sent in a few secrets at one point...but they never showed up in the sunday secrets...maybe they are in the new book...i will have to look...

Emmy R.

Two posts in one...

I typed this out the other day while my family was driving to our next destination. I didn't get a chance to put it up on here until now. So here you go...

oh one more thing...not having access to blogger all the time has really made me miss my handwritten journal that i used to use...it doesn't depend on internet access...i pretty much stopped using a journal when i started posting on here...and since i stopped using it i stopped bringing it everywhere with me...i think i am going to start using it again when i get home...

Emmy R.

**************************

Feeling

Abandoned

Left alone

To fend for myself

Knowing

That I am selfish

For feeling this way

Hating the fact that I can’t

Control

Those emotions

Yesterday I got a text message to my phone…It was a Facebook status update…it said “Laura ******* said some tough goodbyes, moved into our apartment, and conquered an Israeli grocery store today. I can’t wait to fill you in on more detail…” I got this message and through my phone commented on Laura’s status update saying, “*hugs* I love you and miss you a lot…I am glad to know that you are starting to get settled in…hopefully we will be able to talk soon!” After sending that message it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears…I kept the tears back however because I was riding in the car with my family…and I hate to cry in front of ANYONE…so anyways…I sat there in the back seat of the family van siblings on either side of me fighting back tears…finally I distracted myself by shoving my nose into the third Harry Potter book (I’m re-reading them over the vacation) and lost myself in the story…

I’m in the car again now typing this in a Word document…driving south and we are going to go visit some of my dad’s friends and then drive even further south and visit some family…then slowly begin the trek home making random stops along the way…so there you have it…my exciting life…(:

Emmy R.

so...

i keep trying to start a post but then fail to finish it when i get caught up in the wonderful world of the interwebs...lol...but i am going to finish it this time...


update...

i am gone on a family road trip around the us...partly for my cousin's wedding(which was in the same state i go to college in)...which i was a bridesmaid for and which went very well...but it was a busy busy few days preparing for the wedding and such....the actual wedding day went something like this
5:00am - get up and pack up to go to the church and get hair done...
5:30am - actually leave the house to head to church...
6:00am - arrive at church...
6-9am - all the bridesmaids and the bride get their hair done...
9:00am - wedding pictures...
10:00am - actual wedding service
after the service off to the next town for some more pictures...and to the lake for some pictures on the beach...
after those pictures to the place where the reception was held...and we were VERY late because all the roads were blocked by fallen trees because of a huge storm the night before...
anyways...it was a very busy day...as well as the days before it...and after too...



after that we hung out for a couple of days in the area...and then went to the northern part of the state where the wedding was along with some family and camped with them for a few days...now we are even further north in that state just camping with my family...truthfully i am ready to be done with the vacation...






ok...now a little update about how I am actually doing...i haven't cut...though have been tempted...and i did bring my razors because there is a certain comfort of just having them with me...just knowing i could cut calms me down sometimes...

i have been missing my friend who moved to israel quite a bit...but i try to push that from my mind usually...i just don't want to deal with it...


ok that's it for now...off to bed...

Emmy R.

saying goodbye...

today i said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world...
and I quite possibly won't see her for 3 years...
we both hope that at some point i will be able to go out to Israel and stay for a little while or she will be out by my college (she is originally from around there and her family still lives there)....but who knows....augh...i hate this...

another thing...i am a failure...a complete and utter failure...

i had a great chance to tell laura about the self harm...but i chickened out...

at first it was just really weird because we went shopping together and just were sort of hanging out and walking around the store and picking up some last minute things that she needs before her trip...and it just wasn't really a time or place where i could bring it up...i mean i didn't really want to talk about it in front of a whole bunch of people...and right after that she needed to drop me off back at home so she could get some more stuff done with other people...i kept on telling myself that i just needed to get it done with and say something to her on the car ride home...but it still didn't feel like the right time...so basically i screwed up and didn't tell her...i am just so disappointed in myself...i almost want to cut...but i won't...i just won't...i'll have even more reason to hate myself if i let myself back into that habit...




I had e-mailed my RA to say hi and see how she is doing and she e-mailed me back to say that her grandmother had passed away and that she has been really busy with that and she asked me how i was doing...i told her that i was doing good but not looking forward to the next day (today) because i had to say goodbye to laura...she told me that if i needed to talk then i could call her and she would listen...but i don't think i will...even if things are bad...i mean i hope i will...but i just don't know...AUGH!!!...

I am really worried about what i would do if i were to mess up...previously i would have covered it up with a jacket or long sleeves...in high school i always wore a sweatshirt...even during the hottest months...now i have worn a jacket like once in the past month...if i were to start wearing a jacket all of a sudden...well...it would be suspicous...anyways...i just don't feel like talking about that anymore right now...





oh i have one other thing i wanted to mention...i hung out with my friend paige's little sister the other day...it was really great...i always come away from when we hang out really refreshed...we had fun getting lunch and walking around the mall together...it is really nice being with her because even if we don't talk about paige we both still share the fact that we knew and loved her...and it is great to be around someone that also shares those burdens and that pain with me...




ok wait...i have one more thing...then bed...i have this tv show that i am like absolutely in love with called degrassi: the next generation....basically it is a soap opera sort of thing (only not quite so dramatic) made for teens...anyways...that tv show came from a tv show made in the 80's which was an after school program for kids which talked about issues that kids their age faced...it started as "Degrassi Junior High" then became "Degrassi High" and then later then created "Degrassi: the Next Generation" which is what it is now....and it still talks about issues that many people face now and in a realistic way...The reason i am really fond of this show is because it is one of the things in my life that really helped me realize my self-harm was an issue...one of the characters, Ellie Nash, starts cutting to deal with her mom's drinking....and basically she ends up getting caught and starts to deal with the cutting and the stuff behind the cutting...so ya...the reason i brought this up is because i have just started watching all the episodes of "Degrassi Junior High"...it is pretty cool because you get to see some of the adult characters in Degrassi: TNG and how they were as kids in Degrassi Junior High....anyways...i have really got to get to bed now....


Emmy R.

not sure...

I don't know if I can handle this
i really am not sure...
my best friend is moving away
and I won't see her for like three years
i am crying
and feeling stressed out
i feel like i am losing control
i really want to cut
it has always made things "better"
but i know that the
"better"
only seems better at the time...
and in the end is much worse
reminding myself of that
works for now
...for now...










I am hanging out with Laura as much as possible tomorrow since that is the last time i will see her for about three years. I am scared because I just don't want to have to deal with this...i just know that tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day and i HATE crying in front of people...actually i hate crying in general...anyways...as you might have guessed....i still haven't talked to Laura about the cutting...i definitely really want to but i just haven't gotten the chance...i think i am going to tell her first thing tomorrow....so that afterwards we can just hang out and it will have been done with...i am going to write out a practice conversation below...for some reason that always helps me get my thoughts straight...


*i get to her house and we exchange greetings and talk for a little bit, eventually the conversation dies down and we are just chilling*
E: Laura?
L: Ya
E: I have something I want to talk to you about...
L: What is it?
E: Do you remember at serve when i started talking to you about "it"
L: yes i remember...
E: well i have something i want to talk to you about about that...
L: ok...
E: First, I want to tell you what "it" is...Laura, i'm a cutter...I know you might think it is weird that i am bringing this up right before I won't see you for several years...but I really wanted to have a conversation about this...
L: *hugs* I am glad you felt comfortable with sharing that with me...
E: I am glad I did too. I want to tell you something else too...I started seeing a counselor at calvin and I am going to continue again next year...



gah...ok this conversation sucks and is really really fake and unrealistic...and it is actually stressing me out more than i was before...so i am stopping it...hopefully the conversation will happen...i really do want to have this conversation tomorrow though...if i do you will be hearing about it...







Another thing...i leave on friday for a family vacation...we are going to the state where my cousin lives (also the state my college is in...) and i am in her wedding and then we are heading back home and meandering our way accross the US in a van and a trailer....fun stuff....

i know most of my posts have been lame lately...and they will probably continue to be so...especially when i am on vacation with little siblings looking over my shoulder all the time...




that's it for now...
Emmy R.