saying goodbye...

today i said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world...
and I quite possibly won't see her for 3 years...
we both hope that at some point i will be able to go out to Israel and stay for a little while or she will be out by my college (she is originally from around there and her family still lives there)....but who knows....augh...i hate this...

another thing...i am a failure...a complete and utter failure...

i had a great chance to tell laura about the self harm...but i chickened out...

at first it was just really weird because we went shopping together and just were sort of hanging out and walking around the store and picking up some last minute things that she needs before her trip...and it just wasn't really a time or place where i could bring it up...i mean i didn't really want to talk about it in front of a whole bunch of people...and right after that she needed to drop me off back at home so she could get some more stuff done with other people...i kept on telling myself that i just needed to get it done with and say something to her on the car ride home...but it still didn't feel like the right time...so basically i screwed up and didn't tell her...i am just so disappointed in myself...i almost want to cut...but i won't...i just won't...i'll have even more reason to hate myself if i let myself back into that habit...




I had e-mailed my RA to say hi and see how she is doing and she e-mailed me back to say that her grandmother had passed away and that she has been really busy with that and she asked me how i was doing...i told her that i was doing good but not looking forward to the next day (today) because i had to say goodbye to laura...she told me that if i needed to talk then i could call her and she would listen...but i don't think i will...even if things are bad...i mean i hope i will...but i just don't know...AUGH!!!...

I am really worried about what i would do if i were to mess up...previously i would have covered it up with a jacket or long sleeves...in high school i always wore a sweatshirt...even during the hottest months...now i have worn a jacket like once in the past month...if i were to start wearing a jacket all of a sudden...well...it would be suspicous...anyways...i just don't feel like talking about that anymore right now...





oh i have one other thing i wanted to mention...i hung out with my friend paige's little sister the other day...it was really great...i always come away from when we hang out really refreshed...we had fun getting lunch and walking around the mall together...it is really nice being with her because even if we don't talk about paige we both still share the fact that we knew and loved her...and it is great to be around someone that also shares those burdens and that pain with me...




ok wait...i have one more thing...then bed...i have this tv show that i am like absolutely in love with called degrassi: the next generation....basically it is a soap opera sort of thing (only not quite so dramatic) made for teens...anyways...that tv show came from a tv show made in the 80's which was an after school program for kids which talked about issues that kids their age faced...it started as "Degrassi Junior High" then became "Degrassi High" and then later then created "Degrassi: the Next Generation" which is what it is now....and it still talks about issues that many people face now and in a realistic way...The reason i am really fond of this show is because it is one of the things in my life that really helped me realize my self-harm was an issue...one of the characters, Ellie Nash, starts cutting to deal with her mom's drinking....and basically she ends up getting caught and starts to deal with the cutting and the stuff behind the cutting...so ya...the reason i brought this up is because i have just started watching all the episodes of "Degrassi Junior High"...it is pretty cool because you get to see some of the adult characters in Degrassi: TNG and how they were as kids in Degrassi Junior High....anyways...i have really got to get to bed now....


Emmy R.