I had a very close call just a couple of nights ago. I made it through though. I have been really stressed lately and I guess I just needed one more crappy thing to push me over the edge. My stress is with being on the leadership team in my dorm and with getting used to classes again. On Saturday night I went out with friends and we got burgers. One of my friends was in a bad mood and was basically being rude to everyone. I was trying to cheer her up or at least make her smile by being my usual random self. Nothing I was doing was working though and later we went back to the dorms and watched the movie Juno in my friends (the crabby) room. She was going on and on about how much the songs in the movie suck and how they are not in tune or some crap like that and I mentioned that I like them and then I wanted to play one of the songs (which plays in the credits) for another of our friends so I brought my laptop over and started the song. My crabby friend just went apeshit at me and got really mad because she didn't want to hear the song. I went out in the hall and finished playing it for our friend. Then I put my computer away and came back and started writing on her door (our doors are dry-erase boards) the lyrics to one of the songs. She saw me doing it and asked our friend was I was doing and he said and then she went apeshit again and told me that i had to erase it. I left without doing so because I don't like being bossed around and then I went back to her room because I was really frustrated by her yelling at me and told her that just because she was in a bad mood was no reason to treat other people like crap. I was in tears at that point (remember i was already stressed, plus PMSing, so therefore very emotional) and I went back to my room and laid down on my couch and was crying. I really wanted to cut so I left the room and my cutting materials behind and went for a walk. I walked up to my, last year RA, and current friend's room because I just really needed a hug and she knows about my struggle with self-harm. She wasn't there so I left and just walked around campus crying and barely keeping it together. I got to a large grassy area at the center of campus (called commons lawn) and sat down in the middle. I held my knees to my chest and just cried. I really wanted to cut or do something to express what I was feeling but I sat there and then laid down and soon enough I calmed down, then I went back to my room and chilled.
This evening I went to say hi to my last year RA. I came to her room and we chilled for a while and she asked me some questions about how things were going. She asked me how I was doing with "the things we talked about last year" (aka my self-harm). I told her that I was doing ok right now but had had a close call recently. I then told her that I had not "done anything" though. She proceeded to tell me that it was ok, but even if I had done something it would have been ok. I don't really know how I feel about what she said. On one hand it feel it is weird because all I have ever really heard is that "cutting is bad you should not do it" and the concept of her being ok with it is weird. On the other hand I think it is nice that she said that because I know that she will be there for me even if I do start cutting again...
One last thing to add to this post. The last close call really scared me and now I have an appointment tomorrow at my college's counseling center. I am really nervous about going again because it will be a new person because the person I talked to last year was an intern and is working in a different place this year. I don't really know what I want to talk about. I sort of want to talk about starting a support group for self-harm, but I sort of want to talk over what happened the other night...
ok that's it for now...i need to work on homework and then go to bed...
Emmy R.
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