September 7, 2009

Labor Day Weekend, Skillet-Awake, Poem

It has been a really long time since I last updated this blog. I have been at college for just over a week now and was gone to the northern part of the state this weekend to go camping with some friends and one of their family. I have really enjoyed spending time back at college. It has been great to reconnect with old friends and just spend time with them.

Anyways this weekend i went camping with my friends Jon, Jordan and Amanda and also Jordan's family. It was fun to spend some time outdoors and to just hang with my friends. It was a bit crazy. The first night, friday night, i spent at Jordan's house along with Amanda and Jon. For some reason on the drive to his house I was feeling really down. I was feeling really stressed too and just altogether not doing great. I really wanted to cut but I made it through the evening. The next morning we headed to the campground. When we got there we just hung out and went down the the lake (the campground was on a lake) where we took some pictures and just chilled. I also spent some time with Jordan's little sister who is adopted and she is just adorable and we became fast friends. That night we went to sleep (Jon, Jordan, Amanda and I in the same tent) and none of us slept very well because it was REALLY cold. Anyways the next morning we got up and Jon, Jordan and I went Canoeing with Jordan's family. Jordan's dad and a couple other relatives got really drunk which was highly amusing but also very weird since I have never been around that sort of thing before. Anyways the guys and i were all in the same canoe. It was really fun and we had a great time. After getting back from canoeing we had dinner and sat around the fire. **side note** Previous to going camping Amanda had told me and I had witnessed the very homophobic ways of Jon and Jordan which I am not very happy about. **end side note** A conversation somehow got started about homosexuality and I started to realize that Jordan's dad is even more homophobic than Jordan is. It was really wierd because since he was still drunk he also didn't really care what he was saying and was very blatant about his feelings. I was trying to talk in a civil matter about some of the things I have learned this past year and I would like to think that some of what I said made sense in his drunken homophobic mind but I doubt it. Anyways this conversation really got me thinking about my values and what sort of values I would like to see in a potential mate. **side note** i have had a crush on Jordan and Jon and varying different times throughout the past year and recently found out that one of them likes me back **end side note** During the "discussion" I was feeling a bit put down by so many of the others who did not agree with me and I almost felt ashamed. I was thinking about this (the discussion and the potential mate thing) on the car ride home and I wrote this down.

"I've spent too much of my life trying to be someone I'm not. Too much of my life caring about what other thingk about me. Too much of my life being walked on. I will not be another female who is afraid to stand up for herself. I will be strong and learn what I believe. I will voice my opinions even when other don't agree. -Emmy R. 9/6/09"

It was really freeing to think about that and actually be able to voice it through writing it down.

During the car ride we were listening to the new Skillet CD Awake (which is an absolutely amazing CD by the way) and some of the lyrics were really hitting me.

Skillet - Monster
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged, but I can’t control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it
It’s scratching at the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
I hide under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this? Make it end

Skillet - Sometimes
Sometimes I don't wanna be better
Sometimes I can't be
put back together
Sometimes I find it hard to believe
there's someone else who could be
Just as messed up as me

Those lyrics really hit me for some reason. I like them. The whole CD is amazing. Sometimes when you listen to a CD a certain song jumps out and the others are just ok...well this is not one of those CDs. I really liked all the songs all the way through.

During another part of the car ride I was just reflecting on what a hard time I had with not cutting the other day. I am sad that I still am struggling with it. I wrote this short little poem while I was processing that.

"I have scars that you can't see
scars that don't touch
the surface of my skin
scars taht are there
most through no fault of my own
I have scars that you can see
small almost invisible scars
lining the skin of my wrist
the scars you can't see
are the ones that hurt the most
when they were made
it may not make sense
but the scars that bled
and cover my wrist
healed the fastest
and hurt the least
some on the inside
are very old
and still have yet to heal"

I don't really like the end to this poem but nothing good was/is coming to mind, so this is all you get (:

I start classes tomorrow and I am sort of excited and sort of nervous. Also I plan to go to the counseling center and make an appointment to talk with someone soon. The other night was just way too close a call. Also I want to talk to them about possibly making a support group. Hopefully this will all work out.

Emmy R.

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