September 16, 2009


So things have been a little crazy. I am getting stressed out with my position as the AC secretary. I just am constantly feeling out of control and stressed. These are two things that usually really trigger my need to SI. I am being driven nuts and am constantly on edge. I came really really close to cutting yesterday and several other times over the past week or so.

Part of me is saying that I should make an appointment at my college's counseling center. The other part of me says I should not because I am strong enough to beat this on my own and I don't want to let them control it. GAH!!! I just don't know what to do. Last night I went to my RA from last years room hoping that we could chat. It didn't end up working out because there was someone else in the room and also because she had to go to an event in her dorm. I left and was feeling really stressed out, almost more so than before, and I walked around for a bit and then headed back to my dorm room, still stressed. This is driving me nuts!

I think I might make and appointment with a college counselor, but it will be weird. The person I talked to last year at the end of the year is not there anymore because she was just an intern. I would have to get to know someone new all over again. I suppose it would be good to at least go in and talk to them about possibly starting a support group...but now I don't know if that is a good idea.

My old RA, Lauren, had told me at the end of this past school year that she knew another person who struggled with cutting and she would talk to them if I wanted to see if we could become some sort of accountability partners or something. At the end of the summmer I e-mailed her and told her that I thought it would be nice to talk about cutting with someone who really knew what I was talking about. She told me she would try to get in contact with the person she was talking about and she also mentioned that it would be nice to talk about the whole thing in person as well. We still haven't gotten a chance to do that.

I just don't really know what to do and I am stressed, conflicted and feeling very out of control. All of these are things that are my triggers for self-harm.....................................but, at least for right now, I will be ok...

Emmy R.

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