So I had my appointment today with a counselor at my school. I think that it was a productive meeting and I have another appointment not this next Monday but the Monday after that. At the start of the meeting I was really nervous and unsure what I would talk about. She came to the waiting room and called my name and I went with her to her office. She offered me a chair and I sat down and she sat across from me in her chair. She began by mentioning that she noticed that I had seen several different therapists and she said that I was probably pretty used to the whole therapy thing and she also asked if I had already been told about the confidentiality thing. I told her ya I was sort of used to it and that I had heard the confidentiality thing. She then asked me what had brought me to her office today. I was sort of uncomfortable and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Then I finally just said that I came because I struggle with self-harm and I had had a close call the other day with it but made it through and I did not do anything. She proceeded to ask me questions about my self-harm and even asked me some specific questions about my self-harm. It was really weird because I have never had anyone do that before. She asked me where I cut and with what and how deep it usually was. It was weird to have her asking me about a thing like that but it was also very nice to talk about it. After that she mentioned that previous to my appointment she did not know about me having had other appointments or she would have read what they wrote. She said she is going to read it before our next appointment. After she said that she began to ask me more questions about my reason for coming in. She had me explain why I was feeling the urges and what events sort of lead up to it. It was good to talk that over. Basically what I told her was that I had been stressed out because of being on dorm leadership and starting classes and that an argument with my friend pushed me over the edge. Then I told her how I knew I couldn't go back to my room and how I wanted to talk to my last year RA and she wasn't there and then I went on a walk until I felt ok. Later on after some more discussion she asked me about the story again. I mentioned the stress and the argument and how it made me want to cut. She asked me what happened next. I was like...uh...i didn't cut. She was like you are right, you didn't. That is the most important part of the story. The story doesn't end at the urge. It ends at how you deal with the urge. She mentioned that a few more times throughout the rest of our chat. Near the end she mentioned that the important part of my urge the night before was that I fought against it, even though I knew of a way I could get faster relief, I struggled through the hard stuff and made it through. I told her that it was really hard to look at it from that perspective because I always felt bad for even getting to that point, like i should have known and done something about it before i got to that point. She said that I still made a huge accomplishment...
Anyways, so the appointment went well, and I have another one two mondays from now. She said we will work on stress management techniques. I think that will be helpful. I also wanted to talk with her about possibly having a support group....but we'll see...
I would like to talk to my RA from last year about what was going through my mind. It is sort of hard to find a time to talk to her. She is busy with her new floor and we barely get a chance to talk. I would really like to talk to her about my cutting, and also about the possibly about talking to the person who she mentioned also struggles with cutting.
ok that's it for now...
Emmy R.
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