January 4, 2010

Quote from "Purpose for the Pain" by Renee Yohe

Mom & Dad 4/5/04 - Another Excert From The Book
I open my mouth and the words won't come out, they're buried somewhere inside me, a vast graveyard that lies unmarked and readily forgotten. I'd rather forget. You'd be better off behind that blindfold; I don't want you to see. I don't want to hurt you…I'm broken, and this flight parallels all we wish to leave behind…but it will catch us. I can't run fast enough and endurance is lacking. I'm void of the defiance required to fight this off, I'm so drained by the constant fa├žade. Yet, I could never collapse into you, I could never stop. I wouldn't know how to end this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain, the disappointment, the lies, and the shame, for being the dirt under the rug. Sweep aside all the complications of my life so that it appears presentable. I know you never meant it like that. I never meant to be this way, but you don't even know it. It's a whole different world that lies undiscovered by you, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't think you'd understand, and I don't want your sympathy. I don't want to be the little child in your arms, I'd rather cry alone…and I don't know why. These tears are ungrateful, are they not selfish? Are they not wrong? What more is there, what's left? I don't want to do this, I just want to forget. To erase the blur that leads up to here, that's all it is after all. A dark blur that plagues my memory and my heart. I love you…and so I can't tell you, I won't tell you. I'm sorry.
"To tell or not to tell,
that. Is the question."

*sigh* my parents will NEVER know....................

1 comment:

{when all else fails...love} said...

if you ever have a point in which you want to tell, or feel like it will kill you to not, literally i will stand by you while that happens. i know that seems so out there, and that i dont know you. but i have been there. and i will fly to the east coast and sit beside you if you need someone to be there for you. just wanted to make sure you know you are cared about. really. : )