January 3, 2010

remembering....and word vomit...

Driving down the highway
Nothing to do but follow
The car in front of me
Giving me time to think
Racing through my head
Leaving room for nothing else
Remembering times long past
Lies to people who care
People trying to help?
I went on my old xanga
At school
BIG mistake…
The tech guys saw it
Forwarded it to the counselor
She was worried about me
And she called me into her office
Asked me about it
At which point I lied
I told her I was pretending
That I heard about it and wanted
To talk to people who struggled
I knew people who did it
I read about it in a book
But, no, I was not doing it
She said she still had to call my parents
They freaked out
And overreacted
And I lied to them too
I lied and lied and lied
Now I am wondering
How my life would have been
Had I actually told the truth
And I’m feeling bad for the lies
Part of me is saying
That I should talk to the counselor
The other part of me says
That it is a crazy idea
They will put me away
In a padded room
With a straight jacket
But I hate myself for lying
And I want to make things right
I want to start telling the truth
And where better to start
Than where I lied before?

I joked with my friends
The other day
About how I might never tell
My deepest darkest secret
Maybe not ever
Maybe not even my future spouse
What scared me
Was that I meant it
I really truly meant it
My secret
Is so misunderstood
By SO many people in the world
That I do not want to be misunderstood
Except, how can they understand me
If they do not know my secret?
How can I understand myself
If I cannot admit my secret?

I hide behind happy smiles
Long sleeve shirts
And lies
I will NOT let them realize
The truth that hides behind my eyes…

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