March 15, 2010

I am not doing so hot right now...i just want to go cut and make things sucks...

my friend hates me
she thinks i am wrong
I think she is wrong
she got mad at me for something stupid
and then she forgave me
and then she got mad again
and then we talked it out
and she forgave me
and now she hates me again
she has been ignoring me
except when we yell at each other
and now
she went to our RA
and now we are meeting tonight
to "talk about things"
i kept telling her before
that we needed to get a mediator and talk about it
she didn't want to
so last night i finally decided
i was done
but now she wants to talk
i hate this
i am freaking out a lot now
i want to make things better
the only way i know how
it helps....
it helps.
it will make things better
my brain is lying to me
my arms ache for the blade
the blood creeping through my skin
coming out my veins
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
drip (relief)
but i will not
i need to calm down
but i never let myself
learn another way
so i will sit her
hold my knees to my chest
and rock
and rock
and rock
rock until i can stand
to walk away from the blade
and deal with this shit

when i finally choose to give up
you decide you want to hold on
and then my arms forget
their desire to hold the blood inside
and my brain stops working
the way a 'normal' person's does

but, i made it through just now...
and i held on another day
i'm on day 25 (:

but on a more positive note I just need to get through this week until friday and then I fly home, and everything will just be better and I will not have to deal with this...

Emmy R.

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