March 15, 2010

just fyi...

so....

I had a meeting with my RA and my "friend" Amanda. Amanda came our RA the other night and asked her about possibly moving out of the dorm because she is pissed off at me and because she is pissed off at some of our other friends. So she went to our RA to ask her about that and our RA decided that it would be a good idea to get me and Amanda to talk this thing out.

My RA called me this afternoon at around 4:30pm and told me that we were meeting at 6:30pm. The wording she used was "asking" me if i would come, but i did not feel like I had the ability to decline. I was freaking out in my last post about the situation because I was feeling completely out of control and just freaking out because I was just really feeling nervous and stressed and out of control. I think it was this added on to the whole frustration with Amanda and the fact that it is midterms week and I am helping organize the dorm banquet. My life is stressful and this lack of control just really freaked me out...i wanted to cut SO bad!!! but I sat here and wrote out my previous post and just really spit it all out. I then went to dinner and came back after I ate and went to my room and sat for a while. Then it was time to go to the meeting. I went over there and sat down in my RAs room. Eventually Amanda came and joined us. We all just sat there for a bit and it was all i could do to not dig my nails into my arms so i could bleed (thank goodness i just clipped my nails). Anyways, we sort of started talking and basically Amanda told me what I was doing wrong, which was that my personality sucked and she didn't like it, so I told her that she was complaining about my personality and she got all defensive. She then started talking about how she only tried to be friends with me for our mutual friend's sake and how she has basically not put any effort into our friendship for the whole school year because she just doesn't care. Meanwhile I stayed pretty much silent the whole time focusing all my effort on trying to stay in control (I was copying the pattern on the pillow that was in my lap with my finger, weird i know, but it helps...)...so then after a while Amanda basically just said that she isn't really interested in being friends anymore. So I was like ok then, and my RA told me I could leave and she was gonna talk to Amanda about the specifics of what she had to do to move out.

After that I started bawling on the way back to my room but my roommate was there so it was weird so I went down to the prayer room in the basement...and just lay there and bawled...and then I stopped crying and went back upstairs. I went about my evening as normal...but still having the lack of control bugging me in the back of my mind.

so basically I decided that I need to talk to my RA about that. but I feel like things are a bit awkward now between us. We are friends, but I just do not know what it will be like now...but I still think that it will be good to talk to her about it. Maybe even talk to her about the cutting...so she knows why....or something...i do not know...

ok I need to start getting ready for bed...

bye

Emmy R.

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