March 1, 2010

I hate
that I can not
cry when i want
i hate
that I cry
when I should not
I wish i had
some semblance of control
over my emotions
But unfortunately they control me
they control me
they beat me when I am down
they hit me when I cannot handle them
so I try to run from them
I try to hide them
I cut my skin
to push them away
to hide them beneath my skin
I wish i knew another way
to do this
but it has been 6 years
Six years
how can I relearn this thing after 6 years
how can i teach myself
to show my emotions
after so long
6 years, almost one third of my life
one third wasted
in bondage
to this thing called cutting
one third where I made choices
not to feel
I made choices
to hide
I made choices
to cut
I made choices
that have led to an addiction
which controls my life
it controls each step I take
for everything I involve myself in
i have to take into consideration
my weakness...

I am in a sucky place right now...i do not really trust myself right now...I am headed over to my RAs room to see if i can get a hug...and then off to my meeting tonight...

for now goodbye...

Emmy R.


Clueless said...

Emmy, I'm sorry that you are in so much turmoil. I feel for you for I know too well that place. I've been cutting probably more years than you are old. It is an addiction which is so hard to manage until you learn alternative ways of caring for yourself and ways of coping with your emotions. Yes, it sucks. It has been about a year since I cut...hooray, but like an alcoholic, I am always in recovery. The hardest part for me which I am working on know is self-hatred.

Take care,


Emmy R. said...

Thanks so much Clueless! It is great to hear from someone else who struggles with cutting, that is where i get most of my support is from people I have met online who also have struggled.

I am currently working on learning alternative ways of coping with my emotions (a long and hard process to be sure) of those ways is writing, which is what helped me on Monday night when I wrote i am still cut free...13 days cut free...(:

the self-hatred is something that would be hard to deal with, i know that it is hard to work with in my own life as well...

Emmy R.

Clueless said...


I'm glad that my comment was encouraging. Congratulation on 13 days!! It does take time to go through the whole process. But, I am hopeful that you will learn the keys and perserve.