so...what do i do when...

earlier today I saw my sister's arms...she has 3 scars there which most people would probably not pick out, but because of my history with cutting I saw them right away...I right away considered the fact that they were just marks from how she slept...(you know how the creases in bedsheets can leave marks?)...or something like that...but later today I looked at her arms again, pretending to just be looking at her bracelets and messing around and turning her bracelets in circles on her arms and turning her arms to look at the bottom where I had seen the marks before...she jokingly pulled away and was like what are you doing? and I was like I am just messing with your bracelets...and we just laughed....

but now I do not really know if i should say anything about it or if i should just leave it alone...i mean i know that it would freak me out if someone were to just confront me about scars...i would like practically hyperventilate....so i am kind of in a weird place of thought on this...i mean if she is cutting I would want her to stop so that it doesn't get worse than it is now...but on the other hand maybe it was a one time thing, or she just needs to wait until her own time to figure that out...i feel like I should just remind her that I will always love her no matter what...nothing will stop that...and I would probably like to just tell her that I am always here to listen...that is probably what I will do...

and anyways, besides that, I have really been considering telling my RA about my struggle...it is just wierd though...like if i tell her she is going to have to tell our RD, who is pushing for me to be and RA alternate...how do i know if he will judge me? maybe he will think that because I struggle with this it means that I would not be a good RA...i really do not know...i flip back and forth between telling and not telling constantly...just like i flip back and forth between going back to counseling and not going back...i just do not know...

there are pros and cons to each side...some are obvious and others are not...

I guess one of the pros of telling people in general (not just my RA) is that I can be real with people...not just pretending that I am ok, even when I am not...

but going along with that...it would almost be like I had to go to people to get help when I was doing bad...like I didn't have the option to try to sit it through...and i would feel like if I did mess up it would be way worse and I would be a disappointment...and then if I told my RA about a mess-up she would have to tell my RD...and that makes things a bit screwy...and plus the "having to get help" thing would screw with my control issues...man...i am way more screwed up lately..maybe i should go back to counseling...i have had "out of control" things happen to me way too much lately...i feel like more than normal...luckily i have been able to deal with them...

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oh i just remembered something that happened at my "talk" between my "friend" and me and RA...i mentioned something about how her flipping back and forth between liking me and not liking me screws with me and how our relationship is just not healthy and how that is just especially not good for me...and she was like well why is it so bad for you? and I was just like well that is something i do not feel comfortable telling you, especially if you are not interested in being friends....you could use it against me...and she was just like well whatever...i think she thought I was lying...when in fact that is the most honest I have been with anyone in a really really long time...

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ok before I post this message I just want to go through a conversation thing, for anyone who hasn't been reading this blog since earlier on, this might seem a little weird, but this is something i like to do before i have a conversation, sometimes over and over and over, to decide if i will have a conversation......

Me: Hey Leah, can we talk?
Leah (RA): Sure what is up Em?
Me: If I tell you something, how much of it do you have to tell *RDs name*?
Leah: (Answers question)
Me: ok, well, ummm, I want to tell you something kind of personal, actually really personal, something that barely anyone knows about me...
Leah: ok...
Me: well do you remember when you had Amanda and I in here and we talked?
Leah: *nods*
Me: well i said something during that, something about how this sort of situation is really not good for me...and then amanda asked why and I said I did not feel comfortable talking to her about it...well that is what I wanted to talk about...
Leah: mmk...
Me: this isn't exactly something easy to talk about, but i feel like it is something I need to learn to talk about...
Leah: ok well you can tell me if you want...
Me: Leah, can you promise me that you will not judge me? will you still be my friend? can we not be weird around each other if I tell you this?
Leah: *nods*
Me: mmk... *looks down at hands, not at leah* well i struggle with cutting...when i get in a bad situation that is what i turn to...i mean not always, but I often get tempted to turn there, it sort of turned into an addiction after so long of using it to cope with some really hard stuff that has happened into my life....*still looking at hands and glances up, searching leah's face for some giveaway of what she is thinking...*
Leah: ..................................*****and i never know how they will react*****...................................







ok so sort of a sad note to leave this blog post on...but i want to get some stuff done before i go to bed since i have to get up in the morning to babysit (: I am excited to see some of my kids I babysat for in high school! I love all those kids!!!