May 6, 2009
Gay marriage...
This video could be considered a little obscene...but that is ok...I just want to hear your thoughts...
May 5, 2009
The final counseling appointment...
I had another counseling appointment today, it is my final one for this year unless something comes up. I only have a week and a half of classes and then a week of finals and I go home. I decided that I would probably be really busy during the next week so i told the counselor that i was not going to make an appointment for the remainder of the school year (unless, of course something comes up and I want/need to talk.)
So what did we talk about today? We did some chit-chatting about how the past week was for me and such and she asked me about how the last week was better or changed because of our conversation. Anyways after that she asked me if there was anything specific I wanted to talk about. After some hmm-ing and umm-ing I told her about the self-harm. Now as I mentioned before she had read the notes that the other person who I talked to at the beginning of the year had taken, but I was really happy that she let me wait till I was comfortable with bringing up the subject myself before addressing the matter. I was kind of like "well you know how I said that I had kind of pushed down the emotions and buried them when (not) dealing with Paige's death? well I used a different way to 'express' those feelings...I self-harmed..."
She asked some great questions and just made me feel very comfortable with talking to her about it. She asked me about my feelings when i would cut, and my reasons for cutting (i.e. control, expressing emotions), who already knew, how long it had been since I last cut etc. I may have fibbed a little on that last one...I said three months...but I am pretty sure it hasn't been that long...oh well...
Anyways...She also asked me about what sort of things I do when I want to self-harm, instead of self-harm. I sort of explained how I like to be creative, or journal, or blog etc. Then she asked me about my support system when I go home...hmmm...I sort of beat around the bush and didn't give an answer...then she asked me again...and i told her that I didn't really have anyone who knew about this at home, also I told her about my friend who has helped me through so much in the past and how I hope to be able to talk to her some more about this whole issue, also that even though she will be moving I hope to be able to dialogue with her about it via skype or something of that sort.
Near the end of our meeting she mentioned perhaps starting a support group for people who struggle with self-harm. I think that would be a GREAT idea and I hope to do something with that next year. Also she asked me what I am going to do next year during the school year if I am struggling with cutting again, I said "well I would like to tell you that I would come straight here but I don't think that I would. What if they had to tell someone? I just couldn't deal with that." She told me that if the people at the counseling center only have to tell if someone is a threat to their own life, not if they are just cutting. Whew! that was a relief to hear! So next school year my plans consist of going to the counseling center if this becomes a big struggle again at some point next year. Also I want to form some sort of support group if at all possible. I think that would be VERY helpful if I were able to have people to dialogue with and share my struggles with who understands where I am coming from....
Okay that is all for now!
Emmy R.
So what did we talk about today? We did some chit-chatting about how the past week was for me and such and she asked me about how the last week was better or changed because of our conversation. Anyways after that she asked me if there was anything specific I wanted to talk about. After some hmm-ing and umm-ing I told her about the self-harm. Now as I mentioned before she had read the notes that the other person who I talked to at the beginning of the year had taken, but I was really happy that she let me wait till I was comfortable with bringing up the subject myself before addressing the matter. I was kind of like "well you know how I said that I had kind of pushed down the emotions and buried them when (not) dealing with Paige's death? well I used a different way to 'express' those feelings...I self-harmed..."
She asked some great questions and just made me feel very comfortable with talking to her about it. She asked me about my feelings when i would cut, and my reasons for cutting (i.e. control, expressing emotions), who already knew, how long it had been since I last cut etc. I may have fibbed a little on that last one...I said three months...but I am pretty sure it hasn't been that long...oh well...
Anyways...She also asked me about what sort of things I do when I want to self-harm, instead of self-harm. I sort of explained how I like to be creative, or journal, or blog etc. Then she asked me about my support system when I go home...hmmm...I sort of beat around the bush and didn't give an answer...then she asked me again...and i told her that I didn't really have anyone who knew about this at home, also I told her about my friend who has helped me through so much in the past and how I hope to be able to talk to her some more about this whole issue, also that even though she will be moving I hope to be able to dialogue with her about it via skype or something of that sort.
Near the end of our meeting she mentioned perhaps starting a support group for people who struggle with self-harm. I think that would be a GREAT idea and I hope to do something with that next year. Also she asked me what I am going to do next year during the school year if I am struggling with cutting again, I said "well I would like to tell you that I would come straight here but I don't think that I would. What if they had to tell someone? I just couldn't deal with that." She told me that if the people at the counseling center only have to tell if someone is a threat to their own life, not if they are just cutting. Whew! that was a relief to hear! So next school year my plans consist of going to the counseling center if this becomes a big struggle again at some point next year. Also I want to form some sort of support group if at all possible. I think that would be VERY helpful if I were able to have people to dialogue with and share my struggles with who understands where I am coming from....
Okay that is all for now!
Emmy R.
May 3, 2009
Registration
I just registered for classes...i got into everything I needed to get into! YAY! well except one class but my advisor told me to take it this semester but it isn't even offered this semester...oh well...i will take it next semester...
ok off to read a book for a religion (theology) paper and then write the paper...ick...
Emmy R.
ok off to read a book for a religion (theology) paper and then write the paper...ick...
Emmy R.
an older poem...
I was going through a binder of my old poems I randomly pulled out today. I found one I want to share. It is an older one but I just check and it doesn't appear that I already posted it on here. I wrote it kind of as a letter to a friend who has struggled with bulimia, so here it is...
4-4-08
Xxxxx,
There's something
I want to ask you
I hope it is ok
What I want to know is this
do you ever feel
like you really wish
that you could go back
to the way things were \
do you ever get stressed
and feel like you need
the release you once had
and the calm you felt after
Do you?
I must know the answer
(and I almost hope you do)
because that would make me normal
and not craxy for wanting to go back
sometimes
to the way things were,
when relief
was only a pinch, a scratch, a cut, a burn
away
I desperately hope that I am not just
losing it
4-4-08
Xxxxx,
There's something
I want to ask you
I hope it is ok
What I want to know is this
do you ever feel
like you really wish
that you could go back
to the way things were \
do you ever get stressed
and feel like you need
the release you once had
and the calm you felt after
Do you?
I must know the answer
(and I almost hope you do)
because that would make me normal
and not craxy for wanting to go back
sometimes
to the way things were,
when relief
was only a pinch, a scratch, a cut, a burn
away
I desperately hope that I am not just
losing it
Mother's day
Thinking ahead to Mother's day...
Coming up on May 10...
I'm writing a card to send to my mom...
Looking at my card...
I want a poem...
Perhaps I could write one...
My style of poetry...
On a Mother's day card?
I don't think so...
I googled "Mother's day poems"...
Here are two that I found...
Coming up on May 10...
I'm writing a card to send to my mom...
Looking at my card...
I want a poem...
Perhaps I could write one...
My style of poetry...
On a Mother's day card?
I don't think so...
I googled "Mother's day poems"...
Here are two that I found...
"Happy Mother's Day" means more
Than have a happy day.
Within those words lie lots of things
We never get to say.It means I love you first of all,
Then thanks for all you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I honor you.But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of
Your happiness on this, your day,
With pleasure and with love.
I know we sometimes argue, and
I sometimes blow my lid.
But I still love you very much:
I'm only just a kid.
Sometimes I need to push against
The fences you erect,
Even though I know they're there
To shelter and protect.I know you want the best for me
And to keep me from all harm.
I just want you to know I couldn't
Have a better mom.
I am thinking that I am going to use the first poem in my card...i started to cry a little as i read it...boy do i miss my mom...
I head home in about 18 days!!! I can't wait...
but those 18 days are going to be VERY busy...filled with final papers and projects and exams....
back to my "Theology" book i have to read and then write a paper on...
ick...
Emmy R.
May 1, 2009
beneath the surface
Growing up
so innocent
never did anything wrong
it was the image
which i wished to portray
it was ME
it was how i defined myself
ask me to go to the party
and drink
no thanks
are you sure you don't want
a cigarette?
yes i am sure
you're a goody two shoes
yup, that's me
(or so they thought)
the ones who made fun of me
pretended to ask me out
were jerks
their words heart
but i was a good girl
i didn't do the bad things
nope
i didn't
at least not the bad things
they had in mind
what did i do?
i did "bad things"
behind closed doors
i cussed
(where my parents couldn't hear)
*shock*
i once had a swallow
of my dad's Kahlua
when no one was at home
*gasp*
oh i am such a rebel
but the real part
was different
words
used
which hurt me
caused pain
loss felt
but never spoken of
emotions
not willing to be felt
expressing themselves
with
cuts
on my body
blood flowing
expression happening
behind closed doors
walls i built up around me
heart encased
behind impenetrable forces
the "good girl"
has issues
more than she could ever admit
more than she ever will
no one will ever truly know
the depth to which my scars run
i wear some on my body
but
you can't see the ones
beneath the surface
Emmy R.
so innocent
never did anything wrong
it was the image
which i wished to portray
it was ME
it was how i defined myself
ask me to go to the party
and drink
no thanks
are you sure you don't want
a cigarette?
yes i am sure
you're a goody two shoes
yup, that's me
(or so they thought)
the ones who made fun of me
pretended to ask me out
were jerks
their words heart
but i was a good girl
i didn't do the bad things
nope
i didn't
at least not the bad things
they had in mind
what did i do?
i did "bad things"
behind closed doors
i cussed
(where my parents couldn't hear)
*shock*
i once had a swallow
of my dad's Kahlua
when no one was at home
*gasp*
oh i am such a rebel
but the real part
was different
words
used
which hurt me
caused pain
loss felt
but never spoken of
emotions
not willing to be felt
expressing themselves
with
cuts
on my body
blood flowing
expression happening
behind closed doors
walls i built up around me
heart encased
behind impenetrable forces
the "good girl"
has issues
more than she could ever admit
more than she ever will
no one will ever truly know
the depth to which my scars run
i wear some on my body
but
you can't see the ones
beneath the surface
Emmy R.
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