so i was just driving home from an event at my home church and a song came on the radio talking about how you can run to god for everything and with everything. I was thinking about how I just don't seem to believe that, i mean you can't exactly run to someone with your problems if you doubt their existence can you. It was at this point that i began to psychoanalyze myself. (I know, weird...but that is sometimes what i do when driving home by myself...) Anyways, a random thought popped into my mind. Perhaps the reason i don't want to trust the support of something that is invisible is because i can't even trust the visible support systems in my life. For example, my first close friendship ended in her moving away, the next ended up with her choosing drugs over me. After that I tried to rely on the support system of my family through my mom by trying to talk to her about what was going on. Then when she rejected me i sought the help of youth leaders, who didn't want to believe that a junior high student could really be doing drugs. After that came high school and another great friendship which ended in death. After/during that i turned to cutting which seems to be the best support system i have found. It doesn't leave me, it can't do drugs (it is the drug...LOL), it cant die. Later I found a great support system through my friend Laura, but again, she has gone. We haven't even spoken to each other yet and our only communication has been in the form of short posts on each other's facebook walls. Another support seemingly gone. If i told some people about this they would tell me that this is god telling me that i am supposed to lean on him...but i think that is a load of crap...it seems to me that if there is a god, he is just enjoying torturing me. Again, why would i choose to trust the support of something invisible when i have yet to find something visible that will support me...other than my cutting, which, crazy me, i am trying to give up...
Emmy R.
July 22, 2009
July 17, 2009
what's up with me...
Chilling in my room tonight and I though I would do a quick update on here. I have spent a lot of time the last three days babysitting! It has been really great to get a chance to see some of the kids I babysat for in the past (and a few new ones as well). Anyways, I have also made quite a bit of money, perhaps less than minimum wage but still it is nice to have a bit more money for next year...
Today after babysitting I went to Marshals to look for a new bathing suit and also to look for jeans. I love to go shopping but it can be frustrating, this time wasn't to bad though. I did not find a bathing suit or a pair of jeans, but it did find a great pair of shorts, which i also needed, and a birthday present for my sister. My sister is headed off to college next year to a private college in the northern part of the state i attend. I am so happy for her that she seems so excited. Anyways, she is going to be running for the cross country team there and has to be there early which means she wont be home for her birthday. I found a cute frame that says "sisters" and then has a cute definition after it (which i would share but i don't feel like digging for the frame) and has room for a 4x6 photo which i put a picture of my two sisters and i in. I also got some cute card things that have an "A" on the front which is her initial. I think she will like it. I also want to add a few more things and also add a note about college and how much I have enjoyed my first year and perhaps some advice about the first year of college.
Basically my life has been pretty boring lately. I have struggled a bit with cutting, but i didn't give in and there have been more good days than bad days. I just watched some of the new episodes of my favorite show "Degrassi: the Next Generation". Basically i have been chilling a lot. which means I sleep a lot, and I sleep in late...i am going to try to not make the sleeping in too much of a habit anymore. I want to still be ok and not have to make too much of a major adjustment when I go back to college.
One thing that has been on my mind a bit since the end of last school year was something my RA had talked to me about. She asked me to think about perhaps being open to talk to some people about my cutting. She said she knew some people from in the dorm who also struggle with cutting and that she though that it could be good if we were able to be like accountability partners or something...i am not sure exactly what she had in mind...but it sort of makes sense...i mean it would be great to have someone who really understood where I was coming from but at the same time it would be hard because it could possibly be a trigger...
Also related to that, i was thinking about, at the end of last year, that it would be great if i could help to start a support group or something. I am now thinking that it would be cool if we could start some sort of awareness group. I think that that would be very helpful because so many people don't understand the issue.
Both of these ideas are great at their very heart but both could have so many issues and so many scary parts to them. I mean in either one of them what would happen if I were asked to share my story to a larger croud. I don't think i could deal with that. Next year there are four more students coming to my college who I went to high school with. What if they heard, told their parents, who in turn told my parents (such is the small-town-ness of my high school). Anyways, i just am still not sure what I want to do, and every time I think about this i come to the same conclusion that I just don't know.
Ok...off to bed...i am getting my hair cut in the morning...so i have to get up earlier than usual...
Emmy R.
Today after babysitting I went to Marshals to look for a new bathing suit and also to look for jeans. I love to go shopping but it can be frustrating, this time wasn't to bad though. I did not find a bathing suit or a pair of jeans, but it did find a great pair of shorts, which i also needed, and a birthday present for my sister. My sister is headed off to college next year to a private college in the northern part of the state i attend. I am so happy for her that she seems so excited. Anyways, she is going to be running for the cross country team there and has to be there early which means she wont be home for her birthday. I found a cute frame that says "sisters" and then has a cute definition after it (which i would share but i don't feel like digging for the frame) and has room for a 4x6 photo which i put a picture of my two sisters and i in. I also got some cute card things that have an "A" on the front which is her initial. I think she will like it. I also want to add a few more things and also add a note about college and how much I have enjoyed my first year and perhaps some advice about the first year of college.
Basically my life has been pretty boring lately. I have struggled a bit with cutting, but i didn't give in and there have been more good days than bad days. I just watched some of the new episodes of my favorite show "Degrassi: the Next Generation". Basically i have been chilling a lot. which means I sleep a lot, and I sleep in late...i am going to try to not make the sleeping in too much of a habit anymore. I want to still be ok and not have to make too much of a major adjustment when I go back to college.
One thing that has been on my mind a bit since the end of last school year was something my RA had talked to me about. She asked me to think about perhaps being open to talk to some people about my cutting. She said she knew some people from in the dorm who also struggle with cutting and that she though that it could be good if we were able to be like accountability partners or something...i am not sure exactly what she had in mind...but it sort of makes sense...i mean it would be great to have someone who really understood where I was coming from but at the same time it would be hard because it could possibly be a trigger...
Also related to that, i was thinking about, at the end of last year, that it would be great if i could help to start a support group or something. I am now thinking that it would be cool if we could start some sort of awareness group. I think that that would be very helpful because so many people don't understand the issue.
Both of these ideas are great at their very heart but both could have so many issues and so many scary parts to them. I mean in either one of them what would happen if I were asked to share my story to a larger croud. I don't think i could deal with that. Next year there are four more students coming to my college who I went to high school with. What if they heard, told their parents, who in turn told my parents (such is the small-town-ness of my high school). Anyways, i just am still not sure what I want to do, and every time I think about this i come to the same conclusion that I just don't know.
Ok...off to bed...i am getting my hair cut in the morning...so i have to get up earlier than usual...
Emmy R.
July 12, 2009
"Walk w/ Me"...
"Walk w/ Me"....
I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. No, I really don’t. I’d rather keep it to myself- handle it alone. I do think it would be good for me to share it with you, though. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of what you’ll say and of how you’ll act.
I’m afraid you might feel sorry for me in a way that makes me feel pathetic. Like I’m some “poor thing.”
I’m afraid you’ll try to cheer me up. That you will give me words, or texts or prayers that tell me in a subtle way to stop feeling bad. If you do that I’ll feel worse (but hide it behind my obedient, cheerful smile). I’ll feel you don’t understand. I’ll feel that you are making light of my problem because you believe it can be brushed away with some brief words of cheer.
I’m afraid you’ll give me an answer. I’ve been wrestling with this problem for some time now. I have thought endless thoughts about it. Can you answer in half-minutes what I’ve struggled with for weeks?
Don’t belittle me.
I’m so afraid you might ignore my problem, talk quickly about other things, or tell me of your own problems.
I’m afraid too, that you might see me stronger than I do- not need you to listen and care. (It’s true I can get along alone, but shouldn’t.)
What I’d really like is if you would “just walk with me.” Listen as I begin in some blundering, clumsy way to break through my fearfulness of being exposed as weak. Hold my hand and pull me gently as I falter and begin to draw back, Say a word, make a motion or a sound that says, “I’m with you.” If you’ve been where I am tell me how you felt in a way that I can know you’re trying to walk with me.
Walk with me- don’t change me.
But I’m afraid. . . you’ll think I’m too weak to deserve respect and responsibility. . . you’ll explain what’s happening to me with labels and interpretation. . . or you’ll ask me, “What ya going to do about it?”
Please. Just walk with me. All those other things seem so much brighter and sharper- smarter and expert.
But what really takes love is to just walk with me. (taken from Being Withby Visser and Kok 1976)
Emmy R.
I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. No, I really don’t. I’d rather keep it to myself- handle it alone. I do think it would be good for me to share it with you, though. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of what you’ll say and of how you’ll act.
I’m afraid you might feel sorry for me in a way that makes me feel pathetic. Like I’m some “poor thing.”
I’m afraid you’ll try to cheer me up. That you will give me words, or texts or prayers that tell me in a subtle way to stop feeling bad. If you do that I’ll feel worse (but hide it behind my obedient, cheerful smile). I’ll feel you don’t understand. I’ll feel that you are making light of my problem because you believe it can be brushed away with some brief words of cheer.
I’m afraid you’ll give me an answer. I’ve been wrestling with this problem for some time now. I have thought endless thoughts about it. Can you answer in half-minutes what I’ve struggled with for weeks?
Don’t belittle me.
I’m so afraid you might ignore my problem, talk quickly about other things, or tell me of your own problems.
I’m afraid too, that you might see me stronger than I do- not need you to listen and care. (It’s true I can get along alone, but shouldn’t.)
What I’d really like is if you would “just walk with me.” Listen as I begin in some blundering, clumsy way to break through my fearfulness of being exposed as weak. Hold my hand and pull me gently as I falter and begin to draw back, Say a word, make a motion or a sound that says, “I’m with you.” If you’ve been where I am tell me how you felt in a way that I can know you’re trying to walk with me.
Walk with me- don’t change me.
But I’m afraid. . . you’ll think I’m too weak to deserve respect and responsibility. . . you’ll explain what’s happening to me with labels and interpretation. . . or you’ll ask me, “What ya going to do about it?”
Please. Just walk with me. All those other things seem so much brighter and sharper- smarter and expert.
But what really takes love is to just walk with me. (taken from Being Withby Visser and Kok 1976)
Emmy R.
conservative-ness...
I don't know if I have posted about this before but it is just something going through my mind right now...
A while back (when I was at my cousin's wedding [Bianca is my cousin and Patrick is her husband]) we were hanging out with her Patrick's family and I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom. Now i know I have written a blog before about how conservative my cousin is and how i got into an argument with her...but Patrick's mom is a bajillion times more conservative than her. Basically my whole family is extremely conservative...
Anyways, I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom and she was talking about a college that she is hoping one of her sons will apply to and attend. She mentioned how she believed this school did a good job of teaching kids how to think and not what to think. But then she went on to mention that it was a very conservative school and she also liked that it held very conservative values. I asked her how a school could be teaching you how to think and not what when they were teaching you to believe conservatively...I was slightly confused...she then looked at me like I was a little kid for not understanding how that worked and she dropped the conversation because she though I was being impertinent or something...
So back to how this sort of thing is on my mind today...well not specifically today...but just in the back of my mind lately...
I know that I am very conservative in many ways...mostly because of the way I was raised I believe...but being at the college I attend I am truly being taught "how to think and not what to think." I think that they do a great job of presenting ideas that are very controversial in the United States (and many other countries as well i believe) and giving us a chance to consider all sides of them and then decide what we believe. One example is homosexuality. I have gotten a chance to hear from gay students who attend my christian college...I have heard their stories and their struggles and have come out of it a changed person...I am not the same as I was in the begining of the school year...
ok...i am rambling...but it's just what is on my mind right now...
one last thing...i think my nose piercing is infected...i am not very happy about that...but i am off to take a shower and clean the piercing really well right now...and also clean the nose ring...and put it back in...hopefully that will help...I think that vacation and the really dry hair and dusty air was not good for the piercing...
gotta go hop in the shower...
Emily
A while back (when I was at my cousin's wedding [Bianca is my cousin and Patrick is her husband]) we were hanging out with her Patrick's family and I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom. Now i know I have written a blog before about how conservative my cousin is and how i got into an argument with her...but Patrick's mom is a bajillion times more conservative than her. Basically my whole family is extremely conservative...
Anyways, I was having a conversation with Patrick's mom and she was talking about a college that she is hoping one of her sons will apply to and attend. She mentioned how she believed this school did a good job of teaching kids how to think and not what to think. But then she went on to mention that it was a very conservative school and she also liked that it held very conservative values. I asked her how a school could be teaching you how to think and not what when they were teaching you to believe conservatively...I was slightly confused...she then looked at me like I was a little kid for not understanding how that worked and she dropped the conversation because she though I was being impertinent or something...
So back to how this sort of thing is on my mind today...well not specifically today...but just in the back of my mind lately...
I know that I am very conservative in many ways...mostly because of the way I was raised I believe...but being at the college I attend I am truly being taught "how to think and not what to think." I think that they do a great job of presenting ideas that are very controversial in the United States (and many other countries as well i believe) and giving us a chance to consider all sides of them and then decide what we believe. One example is homosexuality. I have gotten a chance to hear from gay students who attend my christian college...I have heard their stories and their struggles and have come out of it a changed person...I am not the same as I was in the begining of the school year...
ok...i am rambling...but it's just what is on my mind right now...
one last thing...i think my nose piercing is infected...i am not very happy about that...but i am off to take a shower and clean the piercing really well right now...and also clean the nose ring...and put it back in...hopefully that will help...I think that vacation and the really dry hair and dusty air was not good for the piercing...
gotta go hop in the shower...
Emily
July 11, 2009
Just remembered that i typed out this poem/word vomit thing the other day...so here you go...I think it is from almost a week or so ago...but that doesn't really matter...
Thoughts,
Questions
Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
Considering
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Counseling?
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
Insignificant
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
“Issues”
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?
Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…
Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)
Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…
now for my movie and then sleep...
Emmy R.
Thoughts,
Questions
Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
Considering
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Counseling?
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
Insignificant
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
“Issues”
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?
Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…
Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)
Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…
now for my movie and then sleep...
Emmy R.
random-ish-ness
we got back home from vacation early this morning...so nice to be home...and to finally sleep in my own bed...
I just got done watching a movie about bulimia on youtube (I know it is lame that that is my friday night entertainment...) The movie is called "Sharing the Secret"...
It was a good movie...but sort of depressing...but invigorating at the same time...in some ways it made me want to give up...it made me think that the fight isn't worth it...but in other ways it made me want to stay strong and not cut...conflict within myself...
anyways...about to start another movie via youtube...Painful Secrets (aka Secret Cutting)...i've seen this one before and i really do love it. It is about a girl who cuts and her struggle and the path to healing...i really like this movie...but i am sort of frusturated because i can't get keepvid.com to work...(keepvid is a great site where you can download the videos from youtube...) I want to get all the parts to Painful Secrets and put them together and put them onto a DVD...
The agenda for tomorrow is that i will possibly go to the beach for a friend's sweet 16...otherwise i will hopefully going out and about...I want to get to the craft store and find some material for a sewing project i want to try...(i like to randomly make different clothing items...i want to make some kid's clothes...)
that's all for now...can't think of much to write...i wanted to write a poem...but i am too tired now...so off to bed...
Emmy R.
I just got done watching a movie about bulimia on youtube (I know it is lame that that is my friday night entertainment...) The movie is called "Sharing the Secret"...
It was a good movie...but sort of depressing...but invigorating at the same time...in some ways it made me want to give up...it made me think that the fight isn't worth it...but in other ways it made me want to stay strong and not cut...conflict within myself...
anyways...about to start another movie via youtube...Painful Secrets (aka Secret Cutting)...i've seen this one before and i really do love it. It is about a girl who cuts and her struggle and the path to healing...i really like this movie...but i am sort of frusturated because i can't get keepvid.com to work...(keepvid is a great site where you can download the videos from youtube...) I want to get all the parts to Painful Secrets and put them together and put them onto a DVD...
The agenda for tomorrow is that i will possibly go to the beach for a friend's sweet 16...otherwise i will hopefully going out and about...I want to get to the craft store and find some material for a sewing project i want to try...(i like to randomly make different clothing items...i want to make some kid's clothes...)
that's all for now...can't think of much to write...i wanted to write a poem...but i am too tired now...so off to bed...
Emmy R.
July 2, 2009
Post Secret
just checked out this week's post secrets...amazing! i love it! (http://postsecret.blogspot.com/) anyways...i liked this secret...and many of the other ones...
i sent in a few secrets at one point...but they never showed up in the sunday secrets...maybe they are in the new book...i will have to look...
Emmy R.
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